Support thread for those with unhappy, bitter, lonely parents.

[code]

Am hoping I'm not alone, would like to hear from others how they manage
and support parents who are unhappy and lonely.

Here's my story:

I'm an only child, my father went off with OW when I was a few months old and mum was in her early twenties. He was a useless and absent parent and I don't see him.

The problem is mum never seemed to get over this. She's late sixties now and never had another partner. She's still very angry at father and doesn't trust men. She has zero hobbies/interests since retiring and has lost most of her friends through being difficult/sulking/argumentative (never her fault of course). She is always right and everyone else is wrong. These character traits are intensifying / becoming more ingrained as she ages.

She loves my DC (she tolerates poor DH and is generally ok towards him) and is helpful and often nice but I'm just finding her such hard work of late. She's overly anxious/worrier and this has worsened now she has so much free time. She projects a lot of this onto us and makes me anxious. She scoffs at people having interests and is above everything. She won't join clubs or do things on her own. She's also always hinting to come on holiday with us, we have tried this several times but she's even harder work on holiday, wanting to control everything and having a go at DH all the time. She now sulks when we say we're going away. She occasionally says things which make me realise she's lonely and prefers company. But she is too difficult to be friends with!

She makes me feel so responsible for her happiness and social life. She has a couple of friends left and 2 siblings. She drives them all potty too and I'm constantly trying to placate her / get her to see the other side to stop her falling out with them and being even more unhappy.

Would be interested to hear the stories of others and how best to manage unhappy people.

Really agree with posters who say that detaching yourself emotionally from parents like this is the key to happiness. It's not easy and for me, took professional help, but it was worth it. Knowing - I mean really knowing - that you are not responsible for their happiness and that you cannot influence their behaviour, is wonderful.

You're right loveis did you detach gradually or was there a hoo-ha? Have they noticed / said anything?

I think I was physically detached already because I went to uni at 18 and then straight to London to start career and never went back home to live. Phone calls were once a week with visits every month or so, so I've never had to deal with daily dramas and them being closely involved with my day-to-day life.

Emotionally/mentally, I detached over a period of months in my 20s after the counselling. No, they've never said anything, I don't think they're emotionally aware/intelligent enough to understand and because our lives weren't intertwined, it probably wasn't apparent anyway.

There have never been any big bust-ups, mostly because a tiny part of me still doesn't want to deal with the fall-out. So I gloss over things that might cause arguments; the difference is that years ago, I would have worried about it for days afterwards and analysed it to death. Now I know that I'm doing it for practical reasons (because I can't be arsed to get caught up in a drama) and I move on immediately. No more thinking about it.

That's good to hear, I will try to do the same.

Ifuknow - it is a total mystery. But yes, it's long been obvious that she actively chooses misery. There's never ever been the slightest effort to do anything to improve/ change things.

She definitely tries to sabotage my happiness, whether for its own sake or because her narc traits mean she can't bear not to be the centre of everything. Big events have to be made about her, not me. Code- your mother and the pill story is so familiar. I had similar weird stuff when I got engaged, and married. And anything bad that happens to me is just a source of stress/drama for her, she doesn't actually care about ME. If she really can't think of a fun way of twisting it to her own advantage she just ignores it.

You'd think that if you'd been so unhappy your whole life, you'd at least be happy that your child seemed to be making a good life? Rather than trying to sabotage every good thing that came their way? Or trying to shit all over what they want to do? It amazes me.

Code, there are so many similarities between your relationship with your mum and mine with my mum. My dad died when I was 13. My mum just lost the plot really, started smoking again, then began drinking, then drinking heavily...etc. my teenage years were the worst of my life. Mum was usually too drunk to care how me or my sister were getting on at school and we pretty much had to take care of ourselves.

My mum blamed everyone else for not being happy, especially me and my sister. There were rows every other day about how unhappy she was, we didn't spend enough time with her, she was lonely... It felt like we were expected to put right everything that was going wrong in her life. This continued for a good couple of decades. We tried to get her interested in activity clubs or places she could meet people but she would just scoff at the idea and grumble. There was always some silly reason why she couldn't go.

After I left home mum would often ring and complain about being lonely and use the old 'emotional blackmail' to get one of us round to see her. The thing is every time I went round to see her, someone else would turn up and my mum would be all laughing and smiley and life and soul of the party.

My mum drove me totally insane and I have vowed that I will never treat my daughter the same way. I will never rely on my daughter to make me happy. I used to tell my mum 'you can't wait for life to come and get you, you have to go get it!'. It just fell on deaf ears though.

Don't get me wrong, I really loved my mum, I just didn't like her sometimes. My mum passed away 3 years ago now and I'm now free of the drama and depression though I really do miss the nice side of her. Try to be tougher with your mum. Don't put up with the sulks and dramas when you want your holidays alone with your family. I know it's hard but you cannot allow her emotional blackmail to drag you down. Sometimes it feels like people like this have a little rain cloud permanently above their head. This rain cloud is 'contagious' if you get too near, if you get what I mean. Her depression will become your depression if you allow it.

I wish you all the luck in the world :)

I too am an OC. My DM has always had MH issues, going back to her 20s. This made my childhood 'interesting' in all sorts of ways and it has taken me many years, and some therapy, to get a perspective on the verbal, physical and emotional abuse I suffered until I left home at 18.

My DM (and my enabling DF) never had any interests, friends or social life so the three of us were hot housed in a sort of bubble, just the three of us. My DF spent as much time as he could out of the house and my agoraphobic DM stayed at home ranting about him. Very uncomfortable.

When I was 33 my DM decided that I was a disappointment to her and I had ruined her life and shown no remorse. Since then (26 years ago) she has had nothing whatsoever to do with me, or her grandchildren. To put it context I had a successful legal career and was pregnant with my second child when she did this. Any attempt to resolve this just leads to her saying I am cruel and refusing to engage at all.

She has no friends, no living relatives other than me and my DC. I know she is bitter because she never wanted children in the first place and then could not control me, but she has chosen loneliness for herself.

Do I feel guilty? Yes I do, despite the therapy, but I still don't know what I did and have no way of finding out, so I have to leave it alone and walk away. Is it difficult? Yes it is, but she was never much of a mother to me. I think I mourn the relationship we could have had rather than our actual relationship.

Oh yes, I had the strops about my wedding (DH was too good for me) and over both DC birth. Recently had gallbladder out and you've have sworn that it was her going under the knife. Everything has to be about her.

You lots are bring back many repressed memories!

Sorry to hear your mum died Angleshades. Really sad that your teenage years were ruined because of her behaviour. The recurring theme in all our stories seems to be their selfishness.

RockinD I'm sorry to hear your mother did that to you. You are no doubt better off without her but it must still be very painful.

turkeyboots I know! Sometimes it's better to repress i think.

Code - me and my mum were getting along much better when she died. She was still drinking but I don't think it was as much - either that or she was just better at hiding it. She was also addicted to painkillers and other prescription drugs and also energy drinks, she had a totally addictive personality. In the days before she died she would often say 'I was a good mum wasn't I?'. That was a tough question. There was no point in arguing at that point as she had only days left so I'd just roll my eyes and say 'yes mum'. I didn't want her last moments to be sad so I just told her what she wanted, needed to hear. Although I do miss her I really do feel totally free now. Almost like I can breath again. That probably sounds horrible but it's how I honestly feel. There were so, so many bad times but thankfully time has dulled the pain of them now. I'm free to live life the way I want to without any grumbling, put downs, manipulation, depression...etc and I am choosing to live a happy life with my DD and DP.

Forgot to add that my mum was also a paranoid schizophrenic which also made a lot of the episodes doubly difficult. Mum could never be blamed for anything as she was ill. She managed to turn a lot of her friends against me, my sister and my brother. We were the 'children from hell who had no respect for her, she should get shot of the lot of us' I'd often hear that or get pulled aside by various acquaintances of mum telling me I needed to buck up my ideas and be nicer to mum. I often would feel totally bewildered and think 'what are you on about? Who are you?' Mum would often pretend we'd beaten her up, thrown her downstairs...etc all total lies but it covered the fact she'd fallen over drunk and made herself look better. It's so depressing thinking back to these times. It feels like a lifetime ago now.

I don't think you'll ever be able to manage your mum's behaviour. She more than likely knows what she's doing and knows it has some hold over you. While she has this hold over you she will never change, it's all part of the control. If she wants to be that way then fine - but try not to let it affect your life too much. You deserve to be happy after years of putting up with it. The good thing is that you recognise how destructive her behaviour is and you're unlikely to turn out the same. Put your dh and dc's first and make your family life the way you want it and if that means cutting your mother out more then so be it.

I'm so sad to hear there are so many people out there with nightmare parents. Sending big hugs and to you all.

Angleshades I understand what you mean about being 'free and able to breathe' now your Mum has died. My DM has cast a cloud over my entire life, most of my unhappy times have involved her at the centre of them. She's now terminally ill and I can finally see light at the end of the tunnel. I am looking forward to being free, not having to justify my choices, not being criticised. It's very sad for a daughter to feel this way about her mother and not how I wanted things to be, but I had to finally give up on her ever being a 'normal' Mum.

'I am the eldest female child of an Irish catholic mother'

Same here turkey and badvoc. The guilt and the expectations and the weight of obligation have all but crushed the last breath out of me at times. You really do get brought up to put every last person before yourself, and to deny all of your own needs and feelings. I'm 5 years into weekly psychotherapy sessions and have only recently started to feel the weight of all of this lifting. I've only recently stopped being terrified - I really do mean terrified - of my parents disapproval. I've recently started to have periods of feeling really ok - calm, peaceful, grateful - about having minimal contact with them.

I'm so sorry for everyone on this thread. The utterly batshit behaviour that people have described on here is almost funny, its so ludicrous. And its terrifying how normal it all seems until you step back or move away or go into therapy or whatever and start to see how deeply abnormal and dysfunctional and downright scary it all is.

I am a very lucky woman. I am healthy and attractive and young. I earn enough money to take care of myself. I have friends who care about me. I have an absolutely wonderful partner. Still, the biggest stroke of luck in my life, the thing I am mostly profoundly grateful for above anything else, is being able to move to a different country, away from my parents and building a happy (working on it!) and healthy life here. I can't bear to even imagine the sort of person I would be if I hadn't been able to make that move.

Could have written op myself. DM is mean and bitter to everyone yet can put on a nice persona for those she hardly knows. Refuses to get a life and as me and DC are stuck in her house til end of year its become unbearable.
All of my siblings live overseas
I am the only one who lives in same large village and fear I will end up caring for her in old age as she is late 70s
She isa cruel person but sometimes does nice things and it surprises me so I get. V confused as to weather I am over reacting

My father died last July.
He collapsed and died in front of me and my mother.
My dh and I tried CPR but we nor the paramedics could save him. Later that same day mum had a heart attack.
I was my dads executor.
I did everything.
My brother was pretty much catatonic with shock.
My sister was abroad on holiday.
I planned the funeral, chose the hymns, readings, wrote the eulogy...
In nov I had to have emergency surgery.
Then later that month my dads sister got a terminal dx and died in march this year.
My youngest son has had an awful year health wise and had an operation in July.
I haven't even begun to mourn my dad.
How can I?
Everyone else needs me.
Everyone else comes first.
I am so tired.

Badvoc123, how absolutely awful for you. Its so hard to change the pattern you've learned of everyone leaning on you and everyone else's needs coming first. It wasn't something I was able to do without professional help and even now, its still something I'm working towards. I'm so sorry that you feel so undervalued by other people.

Sounds self pitying but I'm used to it tbh.
From my family anyway.
I am in many ways closer to my mil than my own mother.
Makes me sad really.

It's very sad Badvoc123. Its heartbreaking not to have a close and warm relationship with your own parents, especially when you see other people enjoying (or seeming to enjoy) that very thing. Not self-pitying at all - you are allowed to feel upset and exhausted. Take care of yourself

Thank you x

Good God, Badvoc. How much is one person supposed to shoulder ?

Take care of yourself now. I see others who have borne everything like this take a sudden nose dive with their own health once they take their foot off the gas pedal.

I don't know AF.
I really don't.
But it seems rather dramatic to day one cannot bear what one is required to bear
Thank you all.
And sorry op for thread derailment.
As I said...I wish I had an answer for you!

I am the eldest female child of an Italian catholic mother. I think my dad had an affair back in the early 80s.

I remember them having a huge row while we were all driving back from my grandparents and my mum saying she was going to jump out of the car while it was moving and opening the door and my dad pulling her back in. My mum didnt show my dad much affection growing up. When i moved out she moved into my room.(which she had to give up last year when my DN moved in) As an 8 year old i remember her "confiding" in me about his affair, I remember my dad saying i was going to be sharing my room with an 18 year old girl (i remember not wanting to ) 3 years ago my mum found a jewellery receipt in my dads wardrobe. He had bought a bracelet for another woman. My mum rang me up and her words were "your dad likes women with big holes" Yes i really wanted to hear that about my dad I dont think. And its fucking rich of her to expect support off me when she called me a whore after finding out about my affair years back when DH hadnt touched me for years.

AF i didnt realise that about your parents. Youve been a huge support to me on here Im sorry you are having to deal with something like that

Badvoc how harrowing and heartbreaking all that must have been. Im so sorry

I'm really sad to hear what you've all gone through. I'm glad we have this thread as it's good to share stories and hear that we're not alone.

Badvoc feel free to vent on here. I'm sorry no one is able to look out for you but we are listening.

code my mum did EXACTLY the same when i went on the Pill as a teen. Her "performance" included crying and waving her arms around, and trying to bully me into stopping taking it.