Support thread for those with unhappy, bitter, lonely parents.

[code]

Am hoping I'm not alone, would like to hear from others how they manage
and support parents who are unhappy and lonely.

Here's my story:

I'm an only child, my father went off with OW when I was a few months old and mum was in her early twenties. He was a useless and absent parent and I don't see him.

The problem is mum never seemed to get over this. She's late sixties now and never had another partner. She's still very angry at father and doesn't trust men. She has zero hobbies/interests since retiring and has lost most of her friends through being difficult/sulking/argumentative (never her fault of course). She is always right and everyone else is wrong. These character traits are intensifying / becoming more ingrained as she ages.

She loves my DC (she tolerates poor DH and is generally ok towards him) and is helpful and often nice but I'm just finding her such hard work of late. She's overly anxious/worrier and this has worsened now she has so much free time. She projects a lot of this onto us and makes me anxious. She scoffs at people having interests and is above everything. She won't join clubs or do things on her own. She's also always hinting to come on holiday with us, we have tried this several times but she's even harder work on holiday, wanting to control everything and having a go at DH all the time. She now sulks when we say we're going away. She occasionally says things which make me realise she's lonely and prefers company. But she is too difficult to be friends with!

She makes me feel so responsible for her happiness and social life. She has a couple of friends left and 2 siblings. She drives them all potty too and I'm constantly trying to placate her / get her to see the other side to stop her falling out with them and being even more unhappy.

Would be interested to hear the stories of others and how best to manage unhappy people.

Wow Darkesteyes i thought i'd be the only one. I haven't thought about it in ages but this thread triggered the memory for some reason. I felt guilty about sex for so long.

We are women Code Its for procreation only. We are not supposed to enjoy it.

Thanks, DE

Oh I am such a failure as a catholic then :)
Thank you code and DE.
Even though I am sorry for all your situations, it's nice to know I am not alone.
Off to the hospital today with my sons (6month asthma check) and mum is coming too.
I shall no doubt be back later!!

It helps so much to hear other people's stories. It can feel so lonely when all you see around you are seemingly happy families. And all of this gets a thousand times harder with Xmas looming as well I find.

Darkesteyes, I remember reading about your family on another thread. What is it with Catholics and a seriously messed up attitude to sexuality? I remember you saying that you argued with your mum when she said that women who had been sexually abused were to blame. We discovered a few years ago that my dad has been meeting up with other men for sex and has been for years. My mum told me and my sister but my dad doesn't know that we know. My mum has stayed with him and its all happy families, on the surface at least. Its disturbing and scary. I'm in minimal contact, which they can't seem to wrap their heads around and there's lots of pressure to 'keep in touch'. They're in so much denial, its incredible.

Huge hugs to everyone on here.

Badvoc does everyone really need you, or do they just want you to take care of everything because it's easier for them?
My DM wants me at her beck and call 24/7 because that's most comfortable for her. She doesn't need it though, other carers can come in but they might not be able to fit in with her (inflexible) routine, which she doesn't like, so creates a fuss.
Of course your young children need you, but can you take a step back from everyone else and explain that you need to take time out for yourself and your own sanity? If they don't like it then it just goes to show how selfish they are.

DM used to monitor my periods on a calendar hung up on the wall, so she could work out if I was pregnant, I wasn't even in a relationship/having sex. Was more interested in horses than boys! But yes the female/whore theme was in our house too! S.E.X. was something grubby and not to be talked about.

Lotta Its called ostrich syndrome i think. if we pretend that something isnt happening then it isnt.

my parents are both still working at 78 because they dont want to be together all the time.

My mum used to tell me when i was a kid that she stayed with my dad for the sake of me and DB.

3 years ago after the jewellery receipt incident she admitted that the reason she stayed was financial "theres no way im losing my house" but from the attitudes shes shown towards my situation i know damn well that there is a big element of "what will the neighbours/other people think" in there. I have never met people so obsessed with sex as so called devout Catholics. Obsessed to the point of insanity.

'My mum used to tell me when i was a kid that she stayed with my dad for the sake of me and DB.'

Well isn't that just what every child wants to hear?! You must have felt so loved in that moment. Dear me. My mother has said that if she had her time again, she wouldn't have had children, which was equally lovely.

'there is a big element of "what will the neighbours/other people think" in there. '

OH YES to this. All that really matters is that things look right, it doesn't matter if what's underneath is rotten. I visited my parents over the summer and they had recently come back from a cruise. In the living room was a framed photo of the two of them, dressed to the nines for dinner, taken by a professional photographer on the ship. They look like the most loved-up, happiest couple without a care in the word. It's heartbreaking and sick and hilarious and ridiculous all at once.

When my sister and I were in our 20s and bringing fairly long-term boyfriends home for weekends, my dad was livid at us sharing a bed with these men. My mother told me that my dad described us as 'tramps' behind our backs. Helpful of her. His own daughters, very much grown adults, sharing a bed with other adults who we had been in relationships with for a year or more. Tramps. All lovely jubbly to our faces but behind our backs - tramps.

Darkesteyes, I feel that you and I could probably share 'messed up sexuality' stories from now until the end of time!

I know what you mean about nice to your face and gold plated bitches behind your back. Fools gold.

Ah yes there was the particularly "lovely" first serious boyfriend i had at 18 who i stupidly leant money to and when i asked for it back he said "well you wouldnt want me to tell your mother you are not a virgin any more would you" Arsehole! So another by product of this is that abusive men will take advantage of the situation if they know that your family is emotionally abusive. I told my DM in the end and CHRIST did i get a hard time "You are ruined for all other men" is a comment i still remember now 23 years later. I told her because i wanted to be in control of the situation.

My 19 year old niece is currently living there. She has a male friend (my DM wants my niece to date him but she isnt interested him in that way) My DM keeps moaning on about what a nice guy he is Shes only met him twice about 10 mins each time. Oh but DM doesnt want them sleeping together OHHH NOOOOO DMs actual words were "they can be boyfriend and girlfriend. Which just means they kiss and cuddle" I SHIT YOU NOT!

My theory on this is that its to do with the fact that DM (and a lot of ppl in her religion and culture) think that women should be "owned" Its to do with the "ownership of women" Because if my niece is dating then she is "owned" But if shes not sleeping with him then she stays "pure" The Madonna/whore complex is definately at play here. This aside DM cant seem to get to grips with the fact that my niece and this young bloke are just friends. And keeps having a go at my niece for not wanting to "date" him.