I'm 44. I thought I'd left it too late to have a child. And then I fell in love! (With a man who doesn't want one...) Help!!!

[griselde]

I'm not asking for help because I know that no help can be given. But after years of struggling with the children/no children thing, and heartbreak over relationships that failed, and one deeply felt miscarriage, I've found that I still haven't found any peace and equanimity.
Worse, I've found my confusion actually deepen as I've gotten older.
I had a long stint of singledom in my late 30s and early 40s. I was quite depressed during this period. I found it difficult to be an ageing, childless single woman. I felt judged. I felt lonely. I contemplated having a child alone but in the end I decided that it wasn't my top priority. I didn't want to go it alone. I'm in a fairly insecure profession and I worried about how I would provide for it. And Sarah Jessica Parker's line from Sex and the City about "If I'd really wanted a baby, wouldn't I have found a way to have one by now?" resonated with me. I decided that having a meaningful romantic relationship was my top priority and while I, ideally, wanted a child too, I didn't dare raise my expectations that far. And as a 40-something, going dating - internet dating of course at my age - I didn't want to be that cliche: the spermhunter. The He'll Do woman. That's what I'd done in my last relationship. That really had been a bad idea. So I said I "maybe" wanted children. As in I hoped, but I didn't assume.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I started a relationship with a man who'd said he didn't want children on his profile. On our whatever date, we discussed it. I said I wanted to leave the door open. He said okay. We were both desperate to have sex with each other....
It was a quite magical time. I fell very deeply for him. There was none of that 40-something last chance saloon about it. I felt 25 again. I'd never expected to fall so completely for someone at my age. It felt like more than I could have hoped for. And yet....I wanted more. A year later, I asked him if he'd ever consider us having a child, and he said, yes. I felt overwhelmed.
But it turned out he didn't. It was a blip, he said. A mistake. He's never really wanted children - though he'd contemplated it with an ex - but now it was too late. He'd been very clear, he said. Why on earth did I enter into a relationship with him, a man who didn't want children? Why did you enter a relationship with me, I said, a woman who said "maybe"?
We saw a professional. And it came down to this: I could respect his views. Or we could split up. I felt better because I realised I had a choice. I could choose to leave, or I could choose to stay. I chose to stay.
But it hasn't been the end of it. We fight. We are opposites. We don't handle confrontation well. He's a very loving, sincere, loyal man who I find very attractive. He's clever and successful in his career and we share similar interests. But, we are also opposites. He is very highly strung, organised, disciplined. We're both over emotional.
And I feel a sense of loss....
It's become worse as I get older, partly I think because I fear getting older. And I see how much meaning my parents have had had from their children, and how meaningful I find my adult relationship with them. And I prematurely regret that I won't have that. I've never yearned for a baby per se; but I do mourn the not-having-a-family-of-my-own, particularly when I project ahead to later years. He doesn't understand. If I say such things, he feels under attack. And then I feel like well, it's okay for him, we're doing things his way....
He never contemplated the if-it'll-make-you-happy approach to not-quite-convinced fatherhood. Which I understand and respect...and yet still. It hurts.
So, like I say, I know there are no answers. But I obsessively read other people's accounts: regret at having children, regret at not having children.
He believes that the issue of children - and my ongoing feelings of loss and what he perceives of as resentment toward him - is the root cause of many of our issues. And I feel....misunderstood. I feel like the rows and arguments and flying-off-the-handles break the compact we made when we agreed to settle the children issue: that we would have to be each other's family; that we'd need to be everything to one another. He ended our relationship a year and a half ago in the middle of a fight. Since then, we've both raised question marks, threatened its existence. I feel insecure.
I find this lack of stability totally disorientating and disheartening. And it makes me think I made a mistake about choosing him over having a child. He thinks that I am holding him responsible for decisions I have made.
What is certainly true is that I've made a right royal mess of my life in many respects. I can't believe I'm 44. That I'm in another unstable relationship punctuated by rows and unhappiness. That I've completely fucked up the having-children thing. I dithered over so many things for years. In the absence of making difficult decisions, I made no decisions and drifted for years.....
I console myself with the Sarah Jessica Parker line and call up the ambivalence I've felt about having children - when I remember my childhood I remember very vividly my mother's exhaustion and my father's bad temper and happy holidays and a feeling of claustrophobia. And then, I leaf through friends' and acquaintances' Facebook photos: the women who do seem to have it all. Good jobs and cute children and a husband who seems to delight in them and who was willing to help support them.
I don't have that. And I wouldn't want to give a child any less than that. And it's madness to hold it against my partner. And yet....the way that he's been so singleminded about what he wants and so unconcerned about what I want, and my happiness is a hard pill to swallow.
He's wondering the same, I know: he's told me. As you can see I'm writing this down to try and help me gain perspective....but I would love any thoughts or insights that you think you might be able to bring to bear. I know that it's my fault, by the way. I don't "blame" him. Or do I? Have I deliberately constructed this whole complex scenario to create a scapegoat for my own feelings of ambivalence and indecision about having children? Or is it true...that one is most likely to regret the things you didn't do, rather than the things you did?
Sometimes, I agree with him. I think I am to old. (Not to conceive, I know that, or at least assume; I've always assumed I'd have to have some sort of assistance or foster/adopt). But to be just sending them off to university at the age of 65....(particularly given the aforementioned insecure career).
Ugh. Help!

Romey I didn't say being a single parent per se was a nightmare. I said that is was often better to have 2 parents around when dealing with the difficult teenage years. I don't understand your comment about someone not wanting to change their life- assume you mean if you have a child, whereas I meant they'd have been a parent of that child from the start and wanted to be.

I don't think you ever really put aside your desire to have children if you do want them. I thought I'd made my peace with it in my late 30s - I hadn't.

I went through my 20s and 30s having adventures/fun relationships with men who were totally unlikely to want a child with me. And for years I was convinced I would never have children, I thought the SATC quote applied to me too. In fact, I thought (as did my family) I was deliberately sabotaging any chance I had of settling down.

At 39 I met someone a lot younger than me and even though it didn't look realistic that he'd want a child with me, after a couple of years I asked him. He said yes, we were lucky and our daughter is 3, she was born when I was 42. I'd love to have a second one but I suspect it is too late and to be honest with you, I am enjoying being a mum so I don't want to constantly regret things... My daughter is enough for me.

People always told me "you can't have it all". All I really want to say is that if you feel you want a child - go for it. Knowing what I know now, I'd tell anyone else at this stage in life to try if they think they want to.

You might be able to conceive naturally - lots of people do, but there's other ways as all the posters are saying. It is about living in the now I suppose... I don't worry about being an older mum - perhaps I will later on but for now, I'm just busy being a mum. Life isn't perfect, but I wouldn't ever change my past or my present.

That's a sad story, but it's so unlikely at 44 I think you'd be mad to push away a man you love because the baby issue. But if you're unhappy and can't handle a relationship, 'fix' yourself first. self-love.

I posted this stat yesterday and will so so again- the figure of infertility for age 40-44 is 28%. Someone of 44-45 still has a reasonable change of pregnancy but after 45 the rate of miscarriage is 50%.

ps, having read a bit more of the thread, I'm going to give you the mindset I had when I had children. HAVE a child, come hell or high water. Donor Egg, Adoption, last-chance saloon. Forget the man. Just put all your effort in to at least TRYING. Then, later, you'll either know you did what you could. You won't be thinking what if. or, maybe, you'll have a child, and then later you can worry about romantic relationship.

everything else can be sorted out 'later'. this is the one thing that benefits from immediate attention. so, i change my mind since the first post. forget about the relationship for now. you need to do what you need to do to know that you have tried.

The first step would be having her own fertility investigated. she may be able to conceive from her own egg supply, then other options are possible.

I have been thinking more about this thread today.

IMHO it is imposible to reconcile all unknowns in ones life. Don't even try to do all the guessing.

Concentrate on simple questions with 2 possible answers.
Write them down and be honest with answers.

Also with order of questions.
TIme isn't on your side therefore - ask yourself those questions, answer them, move on.

Each of those steps is going to be painful but make decisions and don't look back.
Life is too short!

I don't understand your comment about someone not wanting to change their life- assume you mean if you have a child, whereas I meant they'd have been a parent of that child from the start and wanted to be.

I meant that if someone is highly organised and controlled about how they live their life, even if they said they wanted a child, then it might be difficult for them to make the changes in their life to accomodate that child.

I'm speaking from experience and possibly projecting too much - ds's dad was kind of like the guy in Sleeping with the Enemy right down to the tins in the cupboards having to be the same way round and everything in the exact right place. I loved him, and thought it was just the way he was and it would be fine, because he did make some efforts to be more flexible. But throw a baby into the mix and he genuinely could not cope, at least that is my best reading of the situation (though it became awful). He has day-time contact now which he enjoys because - I think - he can go back to his highly organised, controlled life when he is finished. I don't for a minute doubt that he loves and wanted DS; DS loves him - but the actual rough and tumble of family life 24/7? No.

As for two parents being better in the teenage years, it depends on the parent. A young person discovering their identity, as my older child was, is going to struggle with a parent who is very rigid and controlled and tries to impose their views/outlook etc on that young person whichever way. That is the reality of living with a highly disciplined, organised, controlled person.

For the sake of openness, that is the context of my comments.

so what you are saying is that someone with OCD traits - rituals etc and possibly a bit of Aspergers thrown in- doesn't make a good parent.

True!

But there isn't any chance of the OPs' boyfriend being a father to their child- he doesn't want children....

But there isn't any chance of the OPs' boyfriend being a father to their child- he doesn't want children....

yes, maybe OP's partner has more self-awareness than DS's father - or maybe DS's father does want to be a parent, but in small doses.

Probably besides the point, anyway, but it goes back to the point I made in my first post on here, to the OP, that the issues in the relationship will not be resolved by a child - as they are not actually to do with the lack of a child - they are to do with the type of person who - in OP's words - puts what he needs for his happiness first. The problem from OP's perspective is that he suggested otherwise at two crucial points in the relationship - at the start and a year in - both points when she might have walked away rather than get more invested in trying to make things work.

He's not a 'bad man' he's just a man who- in his mid to late 40s- I assume, has decided that a child is not on his agenda. maybe he had a blip- he's allowed that. maybe he did it to hold onto the OP and give himself time to reconsider. All allowable.

I can also understand his intent to have some kind of arrangement to hold onto his property should they marry- both my kids talk of having pre-nups because with 40% of marriages ending in divorce, someone who has worked very hard may find it unfair that a less well of spouse could walk away with half their life's earnings in no time at all.

Another topic- but I can see his point.

I'm not sure I said he was a 'bad' man; but I think, given the issues around female fertility, to say that you will consider a child, or leave the issue open, to a woman in her early 40s, to hang onto her, whilst you make up your mind is not the act of a thoughtful person.

To end a relationship in the middle of a fight, when your partner has agreed to accept your views on not having children and to make a relationship with you regardless, is not the act of a thoughtful person. Because what it does is threaten the OP with abandonment, having already cut off the chance of any further family.

But we can agree to disagree on our assessment of this. For the OP, I would quite simply say, regardless of the motivations or how random strangers on the internet assess the situation, the point is that you cannot make this one person responsible for your happiness or unhappiness from here on in. You are where you are; and you need to make a choice about where you go next.

(To the other point, where I live, any assets you have before the marriage remain your assets should the marriage end. It is not the case that a spouse can walk away with your life's work, unless they have been your partner and supported you when you built up those assets. It is actually very hard to walk away with someone's life's earnings on the basis of a short marriage. If the partner has a property in his own name, which will not be the marital home, it will remain his property thereafter).

Are you in the UK then out of interest?

My close friend who filed for divorce was advised by very eminent lawyers in the City that her share of her mum's house ( they co-bought it) would, on her mum's death and the friend's divorce, be shared with the DH as part of the settlement- it would certainly go into the pot. I know that one concern was - if they were to divorce- to do so before her mother died.

Someone I know walked away with 50% of his wife's assets (she inherited a lot). It was a longer marriage (10-15 years or more), and I guess she inherited some of it whilst they were married, but still it was 'her' inheritance from her family.

(And the reason for the divorce was he was abusing her teenage dd, but anyway...perhaps she didn't disclose that during divorce. Seemed unbelievable to me).

OP: Can I jump in here with something a little off tangent? I'm 51 and met my OH when I was 42.5. We met on t'internet. The whole thing was totally unexpected in that neither of us thought that we would find love again. Anyway, I fell pregnant several months later and had DD when I was 43.5. I have been a lone parent since I was 6 months pregnant with her. OH had died by that point. So, the last nearly 7 years have been tough. I also have a 17yo DS from a much earlier relationship.

The lovely little things grow into teenagers and my DS is pretty much the same as another poster upthread says her DC is. I don't know where half my cutlery is (well, yes I do, it's buried under the floordrobe in his room), he has drinks in beakers that have mould growing on the top... To mention a couple of things. It's tough. Sometimes it's really tough. I wouldn't be without them though.

But, the thing is, like other people have said, your relationship is being run to his specifications with not very much regard to yours. That's not right. The balance of "power" for want of a better word is weighted very much in his favour. I don't think that you're being unreasonable in putting your wants/desires out there for analysis by others and I think that a lot of the feedback is very valuable.

Bottom line: Disregarding his idea of what should and shouldn't be, do you want to live the rest of your life dancing to someone else's tune? Do you think you would like the freedom to have a say in the choice?

The decision will be taken away from you in the years to come anyway - by the menopause.... Should you give away your autonomy just yet?

pinkfrocks, the UK has different constituent parts with different legal systems and family laws. If you mean, am I in England, then no, I am not.

oh that explains it then because in England the sum total of each of your assets is considered in any settlement.

I assume you're in Scotland because as far as I know there is no Welsh or Irish law but I could be wrong.

Apologies but I'm going to be very simplistic about what is clearly complex and emotional for you - I think you are focusing on the children issue because it occupies your mind rather than the real issue which is your relationship. Sure it may be good sometimes but I suspect it's niggling you that it's not good enough. Everyone expects up and downs but is he really kind and good enough to be a good partner for you - or are you settling for second best because it's too scary to admit it and put yourself back into a life of being single.

You said you regret not having a family of your own when you project years ahead...

but you can never guarantee that your children will want you in old age or live near enough to see you often! I moved away from my parents almost 40 years back and i know my mother has never really got over it- she'd like me in the next street.

Have you no extended family? A family doesn't have to be just your own children. What about nieces, nephews, cousins and so forth?

Feelings of ambivalence are nearly worse than knowing & saying that you don't want children. I work in an area highly populated by mums & kids. The more I see of them, the less I want it for myself. It's difficult, as emotionally, hormonally my body is making that last push for pregnancy. There's mixed messages... I can see how you let the situation roll on. As much as I have given myself a timeframe to decide, you must make that same decision & live with it either way.