I'm 44. I thought I'd left it too late to have a child. And then I fell in love! (With a man who doesn't want one...) Help!!!

[griselde]

I'm not asking for help because I know that no help can be given. But after years of struggling with the children/no children thing, and heartbreak over relationships that failed, and one deeply felt miscarriage, I've found that I still haven't found any peace and equanimity.
Worse, I've found my confusion actually deepen as I've gotten older.
I had a long stint of singledom in my late 30s and early 40s. I was quite depressed during this period. I found it difficult to be an ageing, childless single woman. I felt judged. I felt lonely. I contemplated having a child alone but in the end I decided that it wasn't my top priority. I didn't want to go it alone. I'm in a fairly insecure profession and I worried about how I would provide for it. And Sarah Jessica Parker's line from Sex and the City about "If I'd really wanted a baby, wouldn't I have found a way to have one by now?" resonated with me. I decided that having a meaningful romantic relationship was my top priority and while I, ideally, wanted a child too, I didn't dare raise my expectations that far. And as a 40-something, going dating - internet dating of course at my age - I didn't want to be that cliche: the spermhunter. The He'll Do woman. That's what I'd done in my last relationship. That really had been a bad idea. So I said I "maybe" wanted children. As in I hoped, but I didn't assume.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I started a relationship with a man who'd said he didn't want children on his profile. On our whatever date, we discussed it. I said I wanted to leave the door open. He said okay. We were both desperate to have sex with each other....
It was a quite magical time. I fell very deeply for him. There was none of that 40-something last chance saloon about it. I felt 25 again. I'd never expected to fall so completely for someone at my age. It felt like more than I could have hoped for. And yet....I wanted more. A year later, I asked him if he'd ever consider us having a child, and he said, yes. I felt overwhelmed.
But it turned out he didn't. It was a blip, he said. A mistake. He's never really wanted children - though he'd contemplated it with an ex - but now it was too late. He'd been very clear, he said. Why on earth did I enter into a relationship with him, a man who didn't want children? Why did you enter a relationship with me, I said, a woman who said "maybe"?
We saw a professional. And it came down to this: I could respect his views. Or we could split up. I felt better because I realised I had a choice. I could choose to leave, or I could choose to stay. I chose to stay.
But it hasn't been the end of it. We fight. We are opposites. We don't handle confrontation well. He's a very loving, sincere, loyal man who I find very attractive. He's clever and successful in his career and we share similar interests. But, we are also opposites. He is very highly strung, organised, disciplined. We're both over emotional.
And I feel a sense of loss....
It's become worse as I get older, partly I think because I fear getting older. And I see how much meaning my parents have had had from their children, and how meaningful I find my adult relationship with them. And I prematurely regret that I won't have that. I've never yearned for a baby per se; but I do mourn the not-having-a-family-of-my-own, particularly when I project ahead to later years. He doesn't understand. If I say such things, he feels under attack. And then I feel like well, it's okay for him, we're doing things his way....
He never contemplated the if-it'll-make-you-happy approach to not-quite-convinced fatherhood. Which I understand and respect...and yet still. It hurts.
So, like I say, I know there are no answers. But I obsessively read other people's accounts: regret at having children, regret at not having children.
He believes that the issue of children - and my ongoing feelings of loss and what he perceives of as resentment toward him - is the root cause of many of our issues. And I feel....misunderstood. I feel like the rows and arguments and flying-off-the-handles break the compact we made when we agreed to settle the children issue: that we would have to be each other's family; that we'd need to be everything to one another. He ended our relationship a year and a half ago in the middle of a fight. Since then, we've both raised question marks, threatened its existence. I feel insecure.
I find this lack of stability totally disorientating and disheartening. And it makes me think I made a mistake about choosing him over having a child. He thinks that I am holding him responsible for decisions I have made.
What is certainly true is that I've made a right royal mess of my life in many respects. I can't believe I'm 44. That I'm in another unstable relationship punctuated by rows and unhappiness. That I've completely fucked up the having-children thing. I dithered over so many things for years. In the absence of making difficult decisions, I made no decisions and drifted for years.....
I console myself with the Sarah Jessica Parker line and call up the ambivalence I've felt about having children - when I remember my childhood I remember very vividly my mother's exhaustion and my father's bad temper and happy holidays and a feeling of claustrophobia. And then, I leaf through friends' and acquaintances' Facebook photos: the women who do seem to have it all. Good jobs and cute children and a husband who seems to delight in them and who was willing to help support them.
I don't have that. And I wouldn't want to give a child any less than that. And it's madness to hold it against my partner. And yet....the way that he's been so singleminded about what he wants and so unconcerned about what I want, and my happiness is a hard pill to swallow.
He's wondering the same, I know: he's told me. As you can see I'm writing this down to try and help me gain perspective....but I would love any thoughts or insights that you think you might be able to bring to bear. I know that it's my fault, by the way. I don't "blame" him. Or do I? Have I deliberately constructed this whole complex scenario to create a scapegoat for my own feelings of ambivalence and indecision about having children? Or is it true...that one is most likely to regret the things you didn't do, rather than the things you did?
Sometimes, I agree with him. I think I am to old. (Not to conceive, I know that, or at least assume; I've always assumed I'd have to have some sort of assistance or foster/adopt). But to be just sending them off to university at the age of 65....(particularly given the aforementioned insecure career).
Ugh. Help!

I am not sure that reaching your 40s without having children necessarily means you didn't want them.

Friends and acquaintances of mine who are still single and childless in their 40s ( or older) have tended not to do everything they could to meet someone ( no effort put in) or they have had very unrealistic ideas about what a partner should be, and unwilling to compromise at all. ( ie they have wanted 10 ticks on the Tick List and were not happy with 8 or 9.)

I know it's maybe the wrong thing to say but there are loads of women out there who are happy mothers and happy in a relationship, but they settled with someone less than 100% perfect because they knew time was running out for a child.

I think it's almost impossible to find a man who wants to be a father to your children at a time when you both want it, and who ticks every single box on your Tick List of a great partner. Most people end up compromising on something unless they are exceedingly lucky, and if you don't you risk ending up with nothing.

I think you need to leave him because if you stay, you will never get over what you see at some level as a betrayal

You should go to a fertility doctor and discuss your options

You should realise your chances of conceiving are very small now; yes, women do conceive via IVF and naturally at your age but it's rare, even with donor eggs. Do you really want to adopt or foster? Having your own child is very hard work, another's person's child triply so - or more.

I think you may decide you can live without children, which is a valid choice. But your relationship with your dp has been poisoned by it and won't recover.

Good luck whatever you decide. I feel for you

There's quite a bit of misinformation here by people on stats/ infertility.

I've just checked the book written by my gynae / obstetrician who is also a leading fertility expert in the UK.

He gives a rate of 28% infertility ( note- NOT fertility) for women aged 40-44.
This means no conception after 1 year of trying.
That means that in theory conception is still possible for around 70% of women aged 44.

OP if you want details of him or the book, PM me.

I think perhaps this is much more about your relationship than it is about children.
You've talked about an intense, 'magical' start to it, and this isn't necessarily a good thing.

You also say I've weathered our rows because I've felt that the lows are the price you pay for the highs .... not really; and if the rows are bad, this may well be behind your feelings of instability.

You mention he's been single-minded about what he wants and unconcerned about what you want. If this is literally true, it isn't the basis of a truly loving relationship. That doesn't mean one has to give in to the other, but you would expect some caring and perhaps regret, rather than indifference, when you can't agree on something so important.

So I would focus a bit more on whether this relationship is really as equal and loving as you deserve. You say you don't really feel like a team, and that's what comes across to me too.

No one will be single for that long if they don't want to be. I disagree entirely. I know of a number of people in exactly that siutation - some people are just unlucky. And I think that settling for a less than good (and I don't mean perfect - just good can be hard to find) relationship just to have children is a terrible idea and deciding not to make that compromise is no indicator that you don't actually want children.

And I am aware that your 20s and 30s are two decades - my point still stands - I know people in that situation.

The relationships is a separate issue from the children one imo.

It comes across that you do now want a child - and this is high in your list of priorities. Please don't waste any more time. You may, or may not, be too old - but you sure as hell will regret not trying.

Have I deliberately constructed this whole complex scenario to create a scapegoat for my own feelings of ambivalence and indecision about having children?

But the OP said this.

It's easy to want something when it seems (almost) out of your reach.
But did you really want it enough when the options were better?

I'm not sure you did- it's just now that the clock is ticking and this man hasn't worked out.

You've already said that you dithered and made no/poor decisions in your 30s.

Maybe you need to accept the child is not going to happen and focus on building everything else you want- a secure relationship and a secure job.

Just to add to the crowd of voices, that I don't think this is something you can get past. Your relationship is suffering as a result. I don't blame either of you although I think you needed to be more honest with yourself a bit earlier that you really wanted children. I think you felt that it would 'get in the way' of finding a great relationship, but actually, it just led to some deception on both sides.

Re the Sex in the City line, I think it would be quite easy to get 44 and not have had a child when you really wanted one. Reading between the lines of your post, you sound like you do want to be a mother - a lot. You try and justify why you're not, but the desire and regret is very much there. I think you need to go for it now. There's a lot of children out there who really need a mum who wants them. Your post is so sad and heartfelt - but it could be very different quite soon. I wish you all the best.

I did the sperm-donor-on-my-own thing and I have to say, it's not for the faint-hearted. You need to be very committed to put yourself through it.

Admittedly rules may have changed since I did it 10 years ago, but I had to jump through a lot of hoops. The clinic required me to have pre-treatment counselling sessions to ensure I'd thought it through, and was going into it with the right attitude. (this was standard practice, not specific to me). I had to write an account of why I wanted to do it, what support network I had, what male influences my child would have, how I would cope with a child with disabilities etc. My case was then put before an ethics committee, who only met every 2 months. The whole process took 6 months, and that was before I even started the treatment.

It took a year of treatment for it to work, and DS1 was born over 2 years after I'd started the process.

I don't mean to be negative, but I wanted to point out that in my experience it was far from simple, and had I not been absolutely desperate to have a child, I think I would have given up. And of course it cost a fortune too.

Griselde, I really can't tell whether you wanted to have a child or not but having had 2 children who are now in their teens I am going to be completely honest with you and say that there are times where I have regretted having my children. Overall it has been a long hard slog. There have been lovely times but I believe if someone had spelled out to me how it would pan out I honestly don't think I would have had them. My own dad said to me recently that no-one would have kids if they knew what was ahead.

They have put years on me and nearly put me in hospital with worry at times. They are coming of age and they will leave me and to be honest I am looking forward to it. Trust me I love them deeply but boy are they hard work. My DC don't have any catastrophic disabilities and I already find parenting hard. I think society paints this ideal where you have to get married, have children, buy a house etc. In reality it is all just bollocks.

I lived overseas for years and everyone I knew pinned all their unhappiness on the fact that they did not live in their homeland. Everyone pins their unhappiness on the thing they don't have. As for photos of happy families screw that for a game of darts. I don't take photographs of my son when he is being aggressive and hitting walls or photographs of my daughter being a complete bitch. I don't take photographs of shit school reports and filthy bedrooms which would be condemned.

Today I am glad I had them but if you had asked me that question last week I would have said otherwise. The whole happy family thing is very precarious. I am 48 with an 18 and 16 year old that I find it hard to manage. Do you really want to deal with teenagers at 60 years of age? I find it very tiring and I don't like waiting until 5 or 6am when they roll in drunk and treat the house like a dumping ground.

I realise I can't put myself in your shoes because I did have children. The cost was a broken marriage, being broke, working my arse off, being regularly stressed and highly anxious. I just think society should be more honest about how hard it is to rear a family. I work with women in their 40's who have told me that they never had children and don't regret it.

I hope you find some peace. Best wishes.

BB that is a really honest and genuine post and I think you are brave to say those things.
I don't regret having children but concur that it is very hard work.
Like many parents we had a rough time when they were teens- nothing terrible thank God, but it was still exhausting.
I know my own mum used to say to me that having children wasn't the be all and end all of life- and she was a 1950s SAHM! And I was a 'good' child as was my brother. We were very 'easy' children.

The photos on FB are a nonsense and I hope the OP sees through that- no family is as it appears from the outside.

And as a lot of posters are suggesting IVF etc, it's worth asking if the OP on her own has the finances as it costs thousands as well as being very emotionally and physically draining- not something to do on your own unless you really are desperate.

I think you need to stop taking life lessons from SATC

You need to get down to brass tacks here and stop all that navel gazing flowery nonsense.

Your relationship sounds crap. If it makes you unhappy, leave.

If you want a baby, stop dicking about and try for one.

If you haven't got the guts to either leave your relationship or try for a baby, stop whining about it and accept that you are responsible for the decisions you have made in life. No one else.

Pinfrocks, thanks for kind words. I would never ever say those words aloud in RL. I just wish society would be more honest about being a parent. I feel for new mums when I see parenting magazines with gorgeous babies wrapped in fluffy blankets. There isn't any puke or snot on the blankets. I once saw a programme about baby models and they air brushed the babies faces! Is it any wonder that the reality of having a baby really shocks new mums?

Griselde I hope it helps to read these posts. If you were to take the pressure of having a baby out of the equation do you think you could be happy with your partner?

I was at a fertility clinic this week and they do now offer IUI with a sperm donor for single women. This won't be NHS funded so you would have to do it as a self funding patient and you may have to shop around to find a clinic who are prepared to do it. If you afford it, the door isn't completely shut. Although I have to say I think the chances are very slim, I think I remember seeing something like a less than 10% success rate after 40.

I think if you have the money and you really feel you want to do this (and it sounds to me like you do) then you may have to go it alone. I think if you remained in a relationship with this man you would resent him for taking away your last chance of a child and I don't think a relationship could stand that kind of resentment bubbling away at the heart.

Blimey. Thank you so much for all your replies. I've never posted anything in any forum before but I've found it very humbling that so many people bothered to engage with my problem in such a thoughtful way. Thank you. I really do appreciate it.

I wanted to respond to a few of the comments, in no particular order...

There was so much here that I have contemplated in one form or another and it was so interesting to have other people pick them up.

So, Pinkfrocks...."It's easy to want something when it seems (almost) out of your reach. But did you really want it enough when the options were better?"

That's a really valid point and one I've thought about a lot. I did go for it with a (highly unsuitable) ex-boyfriend. I prioritised the idea of having a family over the idea of having a boyfriend who I really loved and respected (yeah, I know. Big Mistake!). I really wasn't going to make that mistake again. Hence, the decision to prioritise the relationship. I could have held out for someone who could have given me both, potentially. But...to meet someone when you're over 40 felt like such a miracle in itself to be honest.....I really didn't feel any right or expectation to have it all...

You also say, "There's a bit of ostrich about how you behave" which is entirely spot on. It's a really terrible affliction and one that has caused all sorts of bad outcomes.

BrowserBlues. Thank you for your honesty about how you felt about having children, I appreciate it. I'm not a naturally patient person and I've always worried that I wouldn't have the reserves of tolerance that I see in my friends who are parents. I've always thought, it would be different if they were my own. But maybe that's only true up to a point...a friend of mine has a couple of very difficult children and I've always felt relief when I've got to leave. And it's also why it's made the idea of going it alone so very hard.

ZenNudist. What you said is exactly spot on:
"It's just as likely that he got caught up in the romance and saying things that he believed at the time but later regretted. Anyway you're back to square one. He still doesn't want children." That is exactly how he explained when we went to see a therapist. I wasn't happy about it, but at least I understood it, or at least understood how he saw it.

Which brings me to Romeyroo's comment:
"FWIW, I think the professional was wrong, because she put his wishes first, you were the one who had to accept or leave. The foundations of a good relationship are built on compromise. That is true of every aspect of your relationship. By bringing every argument back to the child question, your partner is implicitly returning to the accept or leave advice for every issue. That is a nonsense, but that is the bottom line he is giving you, accept his behaviour or leave. And that goes beyond the child issue."

Romeyroo that is exactly what I hoped the therapist would say. But she didn't and I accepted it. I think if one partner wants a child and one doesn't, it'd be unfair on the child to simply go with the one who does. I think it's the one relationship situation that is a zero sum game. It's either yes or no, and if there's one no than it really has to be no, doesn't it? On the other hand, what I've found very difficult to accept is that the compromise is all on my side. He has got his own way. There has been no concomitant sacrifice on his. And - see my later comments about marriage - where there is a potential "loss" for him, he doesn't want to make it...

I don't know about your "My final armchair assessment is that in your desire for stability, you may have mistaken controlling, disciplined behaviour for that. Whereas in reality, a lot of love and a heartfelt commitment to managing come what may are actually more important."
I don't know. I absolutely agree that my ideal is to have a partner who is "come what may"...as for the rest dunno.

Whatsgoingoneh and Outer....
You words were quite...frank. But they're nothing that I haven't already thought of, and accused myself of. Have I always been a commitmentphobe? I don't know. Maybe harsh but fair. Certainly making irrevocable decisions has never come easily. "Are you constantly looking back at roads not taken?"

Yes. Yes, I am. It's something that I have to address. It feels like a curse.

Outer:"I think you need to stop taking life lessons from SATC." Good point. "You need to get down to brass tacks here and stop all that navel gazing flowering nonsense." Another good point. I just don't know how...

"You relationship sounds crap. If it makes you unhappy, leave." It has also made me very happy.

"If you want a baby, stop dicking around and try for one." Well, that's what I've been wrestling with...

"If you haven't the guts to either leave your relationship to try for a baby, stop whining about it and accept that you are responsible for the decisions you have made in your life. No one else."

Yep. Yep. Yep. I get it. It's a sound point, forcefully made. And it's why after the counselling, I could accept the no baby thing. Because it had been turned around into my decision. It wasn't that he was stopping me from having a child. I was stopping myself.

But I just don't get the "guts" part. I love my partner. We have horrible rows but we also have a very intimate connection. And I've thrown so many relationships away (some deservedly. Some, well, I don't know...settling down perhaps wasn't my uppermost priority in my 20s...). And I'm not exactly the easiest person in the world. I do want to try and do things to address my ostrich ways, my predisposition to obsess about the past and worry about the future...but let's just say I know I have my faults and drawbacks too. I don't know...there were a lot of responses of the "Chuck him, move on" variety...but I hate throwing out of date salad out of the fridge, let alone a whole, bleeding relationship, hand-built, nurtured over 3 years, with such hopes invested in it. How do you do that?>> Even when you secretly worry you're actually incompatible...?

I think maybe my greatest difficult re having a child, not having a child is that, Pinkfrocks, I'm much more of the a-child-is-the-product-of-a-union kind of a believer rather than I-have-a-right-to-create-new-life-come-what-may. (Part of the reason why adoption as a possibility seems to sit a little easier). But I well and truly fucked that up as the very first poster said when I elected to spend my last remaining fertile years with a man who didn't want children. Nice one, Griselde.

Like I say, maybe self esteem was an issue. And, also, actually, now I remember it...the world wasn't exactly teeming with men who wanted children who wanted to hook with a 41 year old woman. Internet dating makes that abundantly clear: if they tick yes to kids, they also tend to have an upper age limit that bears no relation to their age and I never once saw extend past 40...

So there were reasons. It wasn't totally me being a fuckwit. Though it mostly was. But yes, I need to own that and deal with it. One way or another....

Thank you all again. I really do appreciate it. Oh yes, and whoever it was who said she was 51 and didn't know what she wanted to be when she grew up - thank you! Made me laugh....

Something else has struck me about all this - you haven't mentioned any other family members. Your parents, his parents, sisters, brothers - any? Having a child is like getting married in that suddenly, you are part of another family. This can be pretty overwhelming. You suddenly realise that you are responsible not just for your own life, not just for your child's life, but for your child's membership of two families and all the relationships in it (and if you're very unlucky, you will be assumed to be responsible for far more of your partner's family relationships than you expected as well).

It's often something I think about novels, TV shows and movies - where are the relatives? Where are yours? How old are they and how healthy are they? It is really not fun trying to balance the needs of two or more generations. Whether you or your partner is finding your own relationship life-enhancing becomes a lot closer to the back burner tbh.

Hmmm. I think you are really trying to see a balanced view of what is going on here, which is to your credit. But you are talking about a mam who pursues his own happiness and wellbeing, emotionally and financially, first and foremost. He does not really see beyond the end of his nose, much less share your vision of you two in a committed relationship, taking on the world. That is never going to be a man who loves you come what may; it is a man who loves you so long as you fit in his highly organised, disciplined life, as long as he has nothing to lose. Like his property or his 'freedom'. If you genuinely are a commitmentphobe (really? When you were prepared to settle for Mr Less than Perfect in your last r/s?), then you have more than met your match. He definitely is.

I don't actually believe that he got so caught up in the romance he forgot he fundamentally did not want kids. You don't forget such fundamental things in the heat of the moment. Especially if you are a highly organised, disciplined person who protects their assets first and foremost. I agree there is no compromise on wanting a child,, you either do or don't, but you could also have no fixed view and accept what nature gives you. It is not black and white unless you make it black and white. I think there is always room for compromise, if you wish to find it.

I am very tired so not even making sense now

Maybe you need a break from him. A bit of space where you can see how you feel about him and the situation from a distance.

If he gets all huffy then that may help you in this decision, just as if he is understanding and give that space to you.

How can you be both happy and unhappy in your relationship?

It feels to me that there may be too much of liking having drama in your life.
Living like that is exhausting.

Like another poster I've been struck by the lack of realism from you about what having a child would be like - in the context of a wider family ( your parents, siblings, nieces, nephews etc.)
You appear to have a rose-coloured view of family life- maybe not but you haven't posted anything about the trials and tribulations of teenagers, for instance.

I' d suggest rather than looking back you need now to focus on the present, completely.

These are your options:
-Continue with your relationship- will will mean no child as this man doesn't want one.

-End this relationship, be on your own, no man and no child.

-In time, find another man.

-Go down the route of adoption of IVF/ donor sperm/platonic male friend willing to impregnate you -and be a single parent.

I suggest on a scale of 1-10 you rate each and write down the pros and cons for each.

Do not underestimate the single parent option. You would be 60 when your child might- as a teen- scream they hate you, why were they born, [who was their father??] , tell you to fuck off and punch walls. And that was on a good day. Ha ha!

I don't know any family who has escaped any or some of this with teens, even if they morphed into wonderful adults. it's tough with 2 parents- nightmare as a single parent. And the 2 friends I know who adopted have had those issues x 10!!!

Time to take control.

I don't think you need to "own" and "deal with" being a fuckwit. What does that even mean?? I think you need some TLC from women who have been in your situation.

When I was childless and 40 something and desperately confused, I found it very hard to express my pain to others. It was enormously isolating. All too often the conversation would lead along the paths (which they have here) of: "better get on with having a baby then - time's running out!" (Um, thanks, that's what I'm wrestling with) or "you just need to work out what you want" (yup, that's
What I've been trying to do for years) or "have you considered adoption?" (Donyou honestly think I haven't thought about everything?!)- all of which, though well-meaning, didn't even begin to touch of the pain and confusion about the past and fear of the future I was feeling. Comments like outer's - extraordinarily lacking in empathy and understanding - would have devestated me.

I think this is a very complex issue based on many factors. Personality is certainly one - if you have a tendency to be anxious and very analytical these decisions can be overwhelming - but there are many others: not meeting the right person at the right time; blind luck; being part of a generation of women who've had an enormous amount of choice and freedom; and many more.

Whether you stay with your partner or have a baby or do one or neither of these things, try to be very gentle with and forgiving of yourself right now. My one suggestion is that you check out the Gateway for Women community run by Jody Day, an amazing woman who has researched and written about this very topic in great, and compassionate, detail.

I hate throwing out of date salad out of the fridge, let alone a whole, bleeding relationship, hand-built, nurtured over 3 years, with such hopes invested in it. How do you do that?>> Even when you secretly worry you're actually incompatible...?

You're worrying you're incompatible. It doesn't sound ideal at all. You want to get married, he wants to "protect his assets", which I understand means he thinks you'll take half of his house. Well, yes. If he's not prepared to share a house with you, he's not a life partner. I take it you wouldn't eat the salad if it was actually rotting and vile smelling and if the relationship was at that point it nees to be binned. You need to sit down with your partner, TALK and come to some sort of resolution.

Just for balance, pinkfrocks, I would not describe being a single parent as a nightmare; I actually find it a LOT easier than shared parenting with someone who actually does not want to change their life, child or no child. But that is my perspective.

I think the other point I wanted to make to the OP is that it, at three years in, the rows and lows are balanced by the good times, where are you going to be in another three years? Exhausted? What about when the lows and rows are all the time, and you have lost so much confidence that you really believe it is all down to your issues and you need to 'own' these, rather than it being that you are desperately trying to make a situation work where it is really, actually all about him. Of course there were/still are good times, otherwise you would not be with him. But it is that holding on to ever decreasing good times which makes you stay in a bad relationship and slowly lose any sense of self.

OP. I think the older men get (and women too, but more men!), the harder they find it to compromise. Think how long he has got used to getting his own way. I bet he is 'management' level of a company, again used to often setting agendas and getting his own way. It is very, very VERY difficult for men like this to 'compromise' even if they love. I think you need to see that it may not be that he doesn't love you 'enough', but that he has become stuck in his ways.

This is the same with the marriage issue, giving up control of his assets to you. He has become very accustomed to getting his own way for years and years and controlling everything of value to him, including his time, money and assets. He will find it very hard to change, for the rest of his life - whether that be cleaning up his underwear or cooking food when he's tired. Can you handle that? If you can love the good things about him and genuinely accept the bad things (with no 'hope' of change), then there is hope for your relationship. I think if you can separate how he feels about you from the fact he won't change/ compromise, you may have some answers. I think it is possible he does really love you, but has been stuck for so long in his own ways, that he can't see compromise as an option. I couldn't live with that in such a close relationship, but maybe you can? I think with this man, I could have a romantic friendship but probably not live together or expect any more than a great companion if/ when we needed it.

The rows are coming from all the pressure in your relationship and the only way to ease them is to ease some of the pressure. Be more accepting, or change the relationship, or leave the relationship.

In the meantime, I think you need to look for something fulfilling to do. Stop analysing so much (no good can come of this, trust me) and DO. Maybe this is mentoring someone, a teen, a homeless person getting their life on track. I don't know. Look into some things you may find very rewarding. Find something else to give your life meaning, not your relationship or children.