Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anxious, jealous, controlling and nagging....

30 replies

Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 13:13

How can I stop being the above and improve my relationship with dh?

We get very little time together and recently he has started spending more time away from home. When he's there I find myself nagging, questioning and being grumpy.
I have always been jealous but its getting worse. I really want to improve things.

Doi just need to stop and think. To not moan about the mess or nag about all the things that need doing etc? How can I rein in my jealousy as its out if hand.he turns away from the tv if an advert with any vaguely attractive woman comes on as I'm so insecure. Its horrible. I feel horrible, he's not happy.

Would counselling as a couple help or do I just need to stop it all now somehow?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 13:18

Maybe the place to start is to spend more time together? If you're an insecure person, being in a relationship where you don't spend any time together is going to feed the insecurity which, in turn, is likely to make you bad-tempered and suspicious.

Why do you get so little time together? Why has he started spending more time away from home? Is the time you spend on your own fun and rewarding or the opposite? Does 'all the things that need doing' mean the domestic chores all fall to you because he's away so much?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 13:22

He has been needing to go to a lot of appts and then keeps needing to be on his own (health issues). He will take dcs out if he feels ok.

If the dcs are all in bed and nobody wakes up for any length of time which is rare he will watch tv rather than talk to me etc. seems like we are in the same house but living parallel lives with little interaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 13:23

He does his fair share of housework etc is just there seems to be so much to do it is overwhelming. We are both exhausted.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 13:24

What are the health issues?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 13:26

You sound rejected?

It must be difficult living with someone who needs to be alone even though you don't get much time with them Sad

Jan45 · 15/09/2014 13:35

Mmm, most women that nag, moan etc are doing it for a very good reason, usually cos their OHs are ignoring them or are just plain lazy.

By what you say, if your OH isn't interested in spending time with you, what's the actual point.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 13:40

He is in a lot of pain all the time due to joint problems and dislications (eds) so that is affecting his mood.

Both of us being exhausted is not helping.

I do feel that my personality in general is starting to irritate him, I know I'm bagging all the time, I'm just tired and when the house is a mess I nag. I nag about everything and I end up telling him I've got to dothis and this and that as I have a lot to do and then I think he assumes I'm asking him to help me when sometimes I'm not, I just want him to know how much I do.

Jealousy is another issue, I feel insecure and hideous

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 13:41

Dislocations

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 13:42

Nagging not bagging

Typing whilst trying to do other things too is not working !

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 14:00

Back to first principles.... A house generates a certain amount of work. There's a bare minimum standard and there's 'show home' standard. Hopefully you're aiming for something between the two. There are two adults in the house... one registered disabled (?).... and some children. All of those people with the exception of babes in arms can take on some daily tasks, even if it's just picking up a tea-cup of hanging coats up. Are you in a position to hire any help? So you can only get as much done as you can get done but it has to be a team effort rather than anyone sloping off to be alone.

Watching TV rather than talking to your partner has nothing to do with housework and everything to do with attitude. Everyone's entitled to some quiet time within a family but not to the extent that you start to believe you lead separate lives. If his moods are having a negative impact on your family life, he should talk to his GP and see if medication or treatment can be adjusted.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 14:03

'Insecure and hideous'.... why?

Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 14:12

For the last few weeks we have had a cleaner for 2 hours a week but it doesn't seem to make a dent in it and I feel quite miserable about such a cluttered untidy house. Its not dirty at all but its frustrating I can never find what I need etc and I hate it that I'm tired yet find myself late at night tidying the kitchen/making packed lunches/doing washing etc when i want to rest then I nag dh about helping me. The other night I lost my temper as yet again I had to tidy out and 'restock' dd2s medicine bag as dh wouldn't do it when I asked.

As fast as I tidy more mess is generated and I get annoyed. Dcs are limited in what they can do due to their health issues but I have tried to give them some jobs, dd1 will feed the rabbit each day and clean it out a couple of times a week, ds1 will do dusting, dd2 puts her toys away and ds2 tries to help her.

If the house was tidier and dh bothered to talk to me in the evenings I'd be so much happier.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 14:14

The insecure and hideous feelings have always been there from childhood. Due to DMs 'de sensitising' programme I have huge issues surrounding self image/esteem

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 14:21

I think you could do with working on your self esteem? You aren't hideous. It's good you know the route of these untrue thoughts. Maybe you could start with a [[http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/like/121421408273?limghlpsr=true&hlpv=2&ops=true&viphx=1&hlpht=true&lpid=108&device=c&adtype=pla&crdt=0&ff3=1&ff11=ICEP3.0.0&ff12=67&ff13=80&ff14=108&ff19=0 book?]]

How much of the 'stuff' do you really need? It's amazing how cathartic it can be to do a massive de-clutter. I seem to be forever doing so as my boys grow. Usually straight to the charity shop. Car boots are good too.

You have such a lot on your plate. Do you have any close friends/family who can help out? Can you join any sort of club so you meet new people? Although I imagine it isn't easy with the health issues your dcs have?

Keep talking on here and hopefully someone can help you?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 14:22

Book ....I'm usually ok with links? Blush

Waltermittythesequel · 15/09/2014 14:30

He does his fair share of housework etc

Hedge, unless there's been a drastic improvement (and I hope there has) this man has never done his fair share of housework or with the dc or in your relationship in general. Sad

Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 14:32

I have been decluttering, the are FIVE bin bags in my room waiting to go to charity shop (when dh agrees to take them) and yesterday I did some organising and got rid of some old toys but whenever I do things like that it means I'm not doing the 'normal' cleaning' and it builds up so it feels like one step forwards and two back.

I will try and speak to dh , I'm as guilty as him. He sits in the evenings and ignores me and I accept it. Maybe I should make the effort to talk to him and a t least try.

OP posts:
Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 14:35

He has been doing a lot more recently, I can't fault him there. Its just sometimes when I'm still tidying late and he's watching tv I get irritated. Maybe I need to be a bit more relaxed about it. Dh will Hoover, load dishwasher, tidy etc but after about 8pm does no more whereas I try to do it so its tidy in the mornings.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 14:39

Can you get a charity to collect?

Maybe it'd help you to lower your standards a bit whilst the dcs are small? I like my living room to be somewhat tidy but it's not to a lot of my friends standard. My dining room is usually full of clean laundry as my biggest bad habit is not putting it away. My dcs are teens and should do more but I'm far too soft.

Original poster
Edenviolet · 15/09/2014 14:42

I think my anxiousness and low mood is just manifesting itself in stress about the house. I have this odd feeling that if the house was perfect and organised I'd be happy and everything would be perfect.

OP posts:
maras2 · 15/09/2014 14:45

Is he going or has he been on his holiday without you or the kids yet?No wonder you feel fed up.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 14:46

But you do know it's not true about the perfect house making you happier?

I'm always suspicious of pristine houses where dcs are. It's a home for living in not to show.

Do you do much to relax? Could dh give you a massage?

MrsMoon76 · 15/09/2014 14:47

Hedehog, from memory you have 4 children, all with some form of disability, and your husband has never pulled his weight. Am I right in remembering that he went on holiday last year without you and only recently talked about going away again even though you told him you would not be able to cope?

You are not nagging, controlling or jealous - you are bloody knackered!

FreakinScaryCaaw · 15/09/2014 14:47

Holiday? That's added something to the mix!

ilovechristmas1 · 15/09/2014 14:48

Hedge, unless there's been a drastic improvement (and I hope there has) this man has never done his fair share of housework or with the dc or in your relationship in general. sad

thats's a bit unfair the DH was working fulltime till recently,he also got up with the kids at night (from what threads have previously said) and he has severe physical health problems

give the guy a break