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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - the one detail I can't get over

68 replies

Peapod70 · 15/09/2014 08:15

I found out about a month ago that my husband of 19 years had a one night stand (if he's telling the truth that it was just the once). We have two children and what, I thought, was a pretty great marriage and life. Our sex life was virtually non-existent due to a huge lack of privacy in our very tiny house but we've both agreed that this was the only thing 'wrong' with our marriage.
It was absolutely devastating to find out about it but he was repentant and distraught about what he'd done and I decided that I didn't want to throw away our past or our future.
However, yesterday I asked the question that has been at the back of my mind since I found out and the question that I really didn't want to know the answer to - "put me and her side by side - is she prettier than me?"
At first he came out with all that "you're different" non-committal rubbish answer but when I pushed him to answer succinctly, he said that yes, she is prettier.
I know I shouldn't have asked but the details (and imagined details) have been torturing me since I found out and this was the final question I had.
So now I feel finished and done in. I'm 43 and overweight and already felt pretty ugly - but now I feel beyond worthless. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
Needadvice5 · 15/09/2014 08:19

You poor thing, you must feel terrible.
Not sure that you can, why would you want to be with someone that has so little respect for you?

How did you find out about her? could it be that he's had an actual affair?

lordnoobson · 15/09/2014 08:19

The easy answer and the one best for you is to lose weight. Not to keep him but just when I ever have done I feel amazing and more confident. Plus live your best life and all.

I don't think men have affairs with pretty women. They have affairs with women they can get.

Izzy24 · 15/09/2014 08:24

Men can be so stupid. Or just plain cruel.

If he's stupid, you may want to keep him. If he's cruel you definitely don't.

mrsbucketxx · 15/09/2014 08:25

Lord this has nowt to do with wright if that's what op wants then yes but you can be skinny and miserable too.

I would rally up some girlfriends and go shopping ir go out for the night, spa day, park run anything that makes you feel better about yourself.

Or taking a course learning something new. Taking time for you.

Your husband is an ass. As its been said the woman was available that's it.

Fairylea · 15/09/2014 08:28

Your dh was cruel to say that. If he is committed to making this work and putting the ons behind you both then he should be bending over backwards to prove to you how amazing you are and how he can't live without you. I'm not hearing any of that from him. He needs a kick up the arse and possibly a swift one out of the front door.

Explored · 15/09/2014 08:32

Actually, I'm not sure that's all bad. If you've decided you're staying together, then at least you have a "reason" for his behaviour. His head was turned by her looks. Better that than that she was better company, better in bed, more intelligent or any of the things that really matter.

Hopefully, as Fairyleas says, he is telling you all the reasons he'd rather be with you than her.

ravenmum · 15/09/2014 08:38

What a complete idiot - either that or he's being deliberately nasty, as all he had to do was say "No". How hard would that have been?

Your husband has not chosen a prettier woman over you. He has chosen indecent behaviour over decent behaviour. He is the one that comes out of this looking bad.

My husband's mistress is ten years younger than me and probably more good-looking, but I have to say that I'm not comparing, as she could have been an ugly old witch and I'd still find his behaviour cowardly and disgusting.

Original poster
Peapod70 · 15/09/2014 08:42

Thank you everyone for your input. It was a cruel and harsh thing to say but he was so intent on being truthful (as I have pleaded for the truth). Yes, he is listing a million ways in which I am his perfect partner and bending over backwards to make me feel better but all I can hear is the "she's prettier". After reading other threads here with some horrendous and heart breaking situations that people are in I feel childish and petty about this. I can't function - it's just running through my head all the time and I feel scared about everything.

OP posts:
TheDietStartsTomorrow · 15/09/2014 08:48

I second the losing weight suggestion. I know it sounds shallow but it'll do loads for your self esteem.

Your DH has chosen you above this woman. He chose you not for you r looks but because of everything else that you share and everything else that is more important to him than looks. She may be prettier than you but you're the one he loves and the one he's chosen to be with.

What he needs to do is make it up to you by letting you know how special you are to him and helping to restore your confidence in the marriage.

Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:52

Did he tell you about the ONS or did you find out?

What he said was that he found her prettier than you, not that she is, IYSWIM. And that would be the end for me.
Is he staying because he loves you or because it's more comfortable for him?

ravenmum · 15/09/2014 08:53

Think of Charles two-timing Diana with Camilla and then tell me it's all about the looks ... But how many women can say that their husband could never find someone prettier than them? That is only a problem if their husband goes looking.

Why are you worried about her being prettier? I'm guessing maybe because despite all his protests, you still don't fully trust him? Might that be at the heart of your feelings?

Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:54

His head was turned by her looks. Better that than that she was better company, better in bed, more intelligent or any of the things that really matter.
Hmm

He got a chance for sex and he took it, or he pursued it. Did he use protection?

Explored · 15/09/2014 08:57

Lweji, you've quoted me out of context (amazing how much that happens here). Of course all the issues you state are important and true, but I started "if you've decided you're staying together..."

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 09:05

"It was a cruel and harsh thing to say but he was so intent on being truthful (as I have pleaded for the truth). "

I make a point of not asking difficult questions unless I'm 100% sure of the answer... or at least prepared to hear an answer I don't like. That punch in the guts answer you got is rather why I do it.

I don't think you should expect to just 'get over it'. Not for a long, long time. What's happened to you is horrible and I don't think he's doing enough to make amends. He's certainly doing absolutely nothing whatsoever to boost your shattered self-esteem. Why, for example, does he say you're the 'perfect partner'? That's more about him than you isn't it? What is it about you that's perfect... apart from being a satisfactory appendage, that is?

BringMeTea · 15/09/2014 09:11

Shocked at people suggesting the OP should lose some weight.

pinkfrocks · 15/09/2014 09:19

But if you don't like yourself for being overweight or not making any effort with your appearance this does result in low self esteem.

First rule of being in a healthy relationship is to love yourself.

If you don't for whatever reason, change it.

rb32 · 15/09/2014 09:21

BringMeTea....it's probably because losing weight has made alot of people feel better about themselves, which may help the OP.

Vivacia · 15/09/2014 09:23

It's an easy thing to suggest in a complicated situation.

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/09/2014 09:26

She may be prettier, but she has a black heart to sleep with a married man. Not to take any blame away from him at all.

FWIW, I understand. I went downhill fast when I found out my STBXH's OW was older than me but absolutely stunning. She has a black heart too though.

I am shocked at the advice for you to lose weight! You could lose 3 stone and still feel this dreadful pain.

It will take time, he needs to make you feel secure and wanted if you want this to work.

lordnoobson · 15/09/2014 09:26

you can be shocked. I dindt say it would solve it. It just always makes me feel better and more in control

BringMeTea · 15/09/2014 09:31

Losing weight might or might not make the OP feel better but it doesn't seem constructive advice to the OP. A woman whose husband has betrayed her and then told her the OW was 'prettier'. Feels a bit like agreeing with him to suggest weight loss. IMO it was an unspeakably cruel and crass thing to say. (The DH).

ravenmum · 15/09/2014 09:32

If my friend was feeling down about her appearance I wouldn't suggest that she lose weight, though, as that is basically saying "Yes, you are ugly"...

Coincidentally, at the same time I found out about my husband's affair, I had surgery on my nose so as to be able to breathe better. This involved lowering the bridge of my nose, which was part of the problem. As a result I now have a more attractive face. Has this helped my self-esteem? Not in the slightest. I still see my face as ugly, deep down. This is something I kind of suspected before the operation, and has confirmed to me that it's psychological help I need with that, not surgery!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 09:34

My guess is, if the OP lost 15st of unsightly flesh in the shape of her cheating DH, she'd feel better and more in control as well. When self-esteem has been shattered to the core by something like an affair, it's natural to wonder 'where did I go wrong?' and 'what has she got that I haven't?'.... when the real question is 'why am I wasting my time with a thoughtless, faithless, tactless shit who is standing there & basically telling me I'm ugly?' Hmm

flakeyfinancials · 15/09/2014 09:36

Of course you feel this way you trust and self esteem have been 'attacked' by this incident. Dont feel bad for feeling as you do - you are entitled.

My DH had a thing with girl who I throught was maybe a bit prettier than me (we were separated) but I know from others she really was not a nice person and I know I have a lot to offer my DH.

He is with YOU now not her. She and however she looks is not the problem. You need to discuss how it came to this with your DH - it will take time, over a year for me when we reconciled and I still had triggers that gave me flashback feelings.

I have worked on my own self esteem. I read alot of threads on here and made more time for myself both for my mind and body.

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/09/2014 09:37

Cog - exactly!!!

Why do we take the blame and question ourselves? Happens time and time again and I know I questioned myself too.