Affair - the one detail I can't get over

[Peapod70]

I found out about a month ago that my husband of 19 years had a one night stand (if he's telling the truth that it was just the once). We have two children and what, I thought, was a pretty great marriage and life. Our sex life was virtually non-existent due to a huge lack of privacy in our very tiny house but we've both agreed that this was the only thing 'wrong' with our marriage.
It was absolutely devastating to find out about it but he was repentant and distraught about what he'd done and I decided that I didn't want to throw away our past or our future.
However, yesterday I asked the question that has been at the back of my mind since I found out and the question that I really didn't want to know the answer to - "put me and her side by side - is she prettier than me?"
At first he came out with all that "you're different" non-committal rubbish answer but when I pushed him to answer succinctly, he said that yes, she is prettier.
I know I shouldn't have asked but the details (and imagined details) have been torturing me since I found out and this was the final question I had.
So now I feel finished and done in. I'm 43 and overweight and already felt pretty ugly - but now I feel beyond worthless. How do I get over this?

My question relates to whether he sort of wanted you to know, or he might actually want out without being the one who calls it a day. Is that a possibility? Because it is odd that he would admit that he thought she was prettier. Even when pressed. I think that is what hurts you. That in his opinion she is prettier.

I'd be weary of trying to "fix" your sex life now. The trust needs to be there, or I wouldn't be having sex at all. Certainly not unprotected sex.

You've hit on exactly how I feel (that love actually scene). I always cry watching that part because to me, that's the worst thing that could happen. And now it has - I feel a fool, and everything i've been, we've had in the past 19 years feels foolish too

Hi peapod. When my (then) partner cheated on me, I wanted to know if the other woman had a flat stomach. I was obsessed with it for some reason. I was overweight and felt ugly. I asked the question, and he answered honestly, because I had asked for honesty, no matter how brutal. The answer was yes. It made me feel sick.

I hasten to add, I knew what she looked like, because I knew her. I asked the question because I was blaming myself, and needed confirmation that my weight was the reason he cheated.

It wasn't. It was just such a painful time. I asked painful questions so I could pin it all on myself. I needed more confidence in that situation, but of course, he had totally stripped any that I had away from me in his actions.

Your husband is 100% to blame for this. You are not responsible for pushing him there with your perceived looks, nor is the other woman responsible for pulling him there with hers.

The only advice I can give is to start doing things for yourself that make you feel good, without him. You won't gain strength from him, or his answers to those kinds of questions. You will gain strength from working out how to be happy on your own. This way, whether you stay with him or not, you will be safe in the knowledge that you don't need him.

Don't compare yourself to this woman anymore. You are clearly way better than that, and it's a completely undeserved torture that you are putting yourself through.

"if I've heard the truth, it was a one time occasion in 19 years of marriage"

When I read the opening post, I thought it might mean a situation where there has been one truly terrible mistake (for a ONS could be that, whereas an ongoing affair really isn't) and you had made a decision to reconcile, and we're looking for help in dealing with painful aspects in order to find a way to a reunited future.

But that comment doesn't fit with that scenario. Do you think you have got to the bottom of what has been going on? Do you know enough to make a decision on whether to attempt a reconciliation at all?

For telling the truth about infidelity can cause immense pain, but may be necessary to get everything out so it can be dealt with, by both of you, with common aim of working together to fix things. (And a ONS with someone superficially pretty and nothing deeper might be less hard than someone chosen for their character). But if you don't believe he was (generally) truthful before, then what is going on? Is this a real honesty (has he for example told you details you could not possibly have thought of), or is he leaving all the work to you (ie responding only to what you ask, but offering nothing of himself unless asked?)

Just saying that when my ex married again - the ex I left because he was a shit - I became oddly fixated with how pretty, or not, his new wife was - and was mighty relieved I am the prettier. She could have him as far as I was concerned, so it wasn't about him, it was about me, how I felt about myself.

I'm not sure what I'm saying, just that this hits at a more primal place. Doubly pertinent in the circumstances op (hug)

Your value as a person is not based on how your husband (or anyone else) treats you. His poor treatment of you may make him worthless to you but never the over way around. His actions are no reflection what so ever on your value as a human being.

I know it's easier said than done but don't ever let someone else's bullshit convince you that you are not good enough.

my ex left me for someone less attractive than me. What the hell does that say??

Actually I had a few well meaning friends and relatives comment on this fact, but I just presume that he got on with her better.

Either way, its gonna hurt

'Just saying that when my ex married again - the ex I left because he was a shit - I became oddly fixated with how pretty, or not, his new wife was - and was mighty relieved I am the prettier. She could have him as far as I was concerned, so it wasn't about him, it was about me, how I felt about myself.'

That is exactly what I do with dps ex. i became really ill last year because i was so obsessed about it/her. Turns out it was about me. not him or her, me!
I had to learn to feel better about myself to get her out of my head. I still have those moments but not often and they go quickly.

What do you do that makes you feel good about being you op?
What nice things did he say before he fucked up?

He didn't have his head turned, he choose to cheat on you, simple as that, it's not about being overweight, or who is the prettiest, it's about you now not being able to trust him, and, by what you are saying, until you actually appreciate yourself for who you are and expect others to treat you with respect, I'd imagine he'll be back at it again in the near future, don't stand for this kind of behaviour, he sounds a complete bastard to say that to you, why do you even want to bother trying with him.....he's shown you who he is.

Pretty is skin deep, ugly goes to the bone and she sounds pretty ugly to me if she is having ONS with random married men.

The issue isnt how she looks but how you feel about what he did. Can you really trust him again if you know that he will go with anyone who throws him a bone when he is out on his own?

I know some people say that ONS are easier to deal with than full blown affairs because they are often spur of the moment "aberrations" but I dont agree. A one night stand that was a "drunken mistake" proves that the person has no impulse control at best and is just selfish and utterly uncaring to their spouse at worst. It is also (in the cheaters head) a perfect excuse to blame the booze when in fact many people get stinko at the weekend and dont cheat on their partners.

Every time he left the house I would be thinking "Is this the night he does it again?".

Peapod, I think you need to be really careful that this doesn't become a cyclical, self-reinforcing spiral of jealousy, anger and bitterness. You're absolutely right to feel betrayed, shattered and angry - what's happened is truly awful. But you need to guard against becoming obsessed with details, because you can end up torturing yourself endlessly with it.

I suspect you asked whether she was prettier hoping that he'd say no or give you some other respose that would reassure and make you feel better? You didn't get the answer you wanted and now you feel a hundred times worse.

You need to get to a place where you don't need to know anything about her or exactly what happened. God knows that's not easy - But try not to focus on what happened, but on why and what can be changed to make sure it doesn't happen again.

All those saying that the OW is ugly or has a black heart for sleeping with a married man, presumably you think that the OPs husband is worse as he was the one who broke marriage vows. In which case why does the OP want to stay with him?

It sounds like you pretty much forced him to say this or lie. Why did you want to do that?

"You need to get to a place where you don't need to know anything about her or exactly what happened"

The OP 'needs' to do nothing at all. This is not the OP's problem to fix and never was. She's the innocent party in all this and he's the guilty one. It's not a beauty contest and she's asking questions - reasonably - that betray her insecurities. But who wouldn't presented with this kind of shock information? The OP is in that horrible post-affair period knowing that things will always be a bit worse from now on, the unhappiness has been imposed without her permission and that all the choices in front of her are ones she'd rather not take.

Oh my god what an idiot, why would he even say that. I am so sorry I know how hard it is to try and put an affair behind you and move on. Things like this do not help. Lve to you

Pretty is skin deep, ugly goes to the bone and she sounds pretty ugly to me if she is having ONS with random married men.
I may have missed it, but has it been confirmed anywhere that this woman knew that OP's H was married?

How did you find out Op ?

I don't think your husband should have said this to you, but as others have said asking questions you don't want the answers to is going to hurt. I imagine you are still in a state of shock really , it's similar to a bereavement I think. Is there any chance that you are now focusing on this aspect to avoid looking at other issues around his cheating ?

My ex h had a one night stand with a woman who was extremely unattractive and very overweight. I am not so you can imagine what this did to me. I focused also on this for a while but really it's not about how they look , or how you look. Some people focus on what was said , or money that they spent. Focusing on these things can sometimes be safe for a while as it prevents you looking at the bigger picture which is the more challenging painful part.

I'm sorry this has happened to you Op. I wouldn't wish the pain and misery of it on anyone.

You're devastated because he thinks she's prettier than you.

Well, I'm sure there are a million men that are less pathetic, disloyal and hurtful than him and therefore much more attractive.

I know he's your husband and you love him but I really wouldn't have a lot of respect for his opinion.

I'd rather be completely physically hideous (not at all suggesting you are!!) than an immoral, cheating knob.

I'd hate this too because my self esteem is virtually non-existent but honestly, this has made me angry. Nobody deserves to feel so shit.
Your confidence is low, I'm not convinced being around him is going to improve it... I'm not suggesting splitting up, but you should definitely concentrate on you more. Do things you enjoy doing; I always have better self confidence when I'm active and happy (generally).