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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Affair - the one detail I can't get over

68 replies

Peapod70 · 15/09/2014 08:15

I found out about a month ago that my husband of 19 years had a one night stand (if he's telling the truth that it was just the once). We have two children and what, I thought, was a pretty great marriage and life. Our sex life was virtually non-existent due to a huge lack of privacy in our very tiny house but we've both agreed that this was the only thing 'wrong' with our marriage.
It was absolutely devastating to find out about it but he was repentant and distraught about what he'd done and I decided that I didn't want to throw away our past or our future.
However, yesterday I asked the question that has been at the back of my mind since I found out and the question that I really didn't want to know the answer to - "put me and her side by side - is she prettier than me?"
At first he came out with all that "you're different" non-committal rubbish answer but when I pushed him to answer succinctly, he said that yes, she is prettier.
I know I shouldn't have asked but the details (and imagined details) have been torturing me since I found out and this was the final question I had.
So now I feel finished and done in. I'm 43 and overweight and already felt pretty ugly - but now I feel beyond worthless. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
flakeyfinancials · 15/09/2014 09:37

Why the fuck are people equating being overweight to being ugly - Im overweight a bit but I am certainly not ugly. Im better groomed and dressed than come of the scruffy skinny bints I see shuffling along on school run.

Sorry OP you are getting shitty posts like this.

MsAnthropic · 15/09/2014 09:38

I can sympathise with "one detail" thing. My exH cheated on me before we were married and I asked him lots about it. It was all upsetting, but there was one detail that really stuck that took years and years to get past.

You're only 43 and you're not worthless. Kylie Minogue was cheated on - it has nothing to do with your looks or hers. Do whatever you need to to feel better about yourself for you Thanks

Fairylea · 15/09/2014 09:38

Completely agree with flakey.

flipchart · 15/09/2014 09:39

I think if you push a question you should be prepared for an answer, even if it was one you don't like.

I think the DH has been painfully honest. Sure he could have lied and said no darling you are prettier. Can you imagine if the OP bumps into the OW some point down the line and finds out the OW is stunningly beautiful. She would see her DH as a liar again and the healing process is back at square one.

BringMeTea · 15/09/2014 09:40

Agreed Flaky. All the OP did was say she considered herself overweight. The DH has never mentioned weight yet some posters have jumped on this as if maybe he had a point! Really odd.

ravenmum · 15/09/2014 09:41

If by "people" you mean me, flakey(?), I was using the words from Peapod's post, where she says "I'm 43 and overweight and already felt pretty ugly " - I meant that if I said "You should lose weight" that would be agreeing with her perception that she is ugly.

Greenrememberedhills · 15/09/2014 09:43

Three cheers for Cog.

Your H is a twat.

flakeyfinancials · 15/09/2014 09:47

Its seems the DH's response to her questions has made OP question her whole self.

I found my DH and I both had to look within and accept our reseptive parts in what happened to us before we could sort ourselves out. Hearing my DH admit his failings in the run up to the seperation meant more to me than any apology because I knew he had took the time to think...

Im not saying this is the case for OP but my point is it is never straight forward as this. The point about Kylie Minouge illustrates OP situation quit well.

Losing weight is a funny one because although you do get satisfsction form looking better, buying clothes - it is more about the fel good factors you gain, the energy, endorphins follow, you do more so feel more accomplished and thus gain confidence and yes control if that been an issue.

Initial weight loss is physical but the psychological benefits re ten fold IMO

flakeyfinancials · 15/09/2014 09:49

Raven ..I see, crossed posts with my last one - sometimes we can forget about the other benefits of losing weight too I suppose.

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/09/2014 09:57

If your H said his ONS was ugly, would that have made you feel better? I think that answer would make you question why he would go with someone who was deemed uglier than you.

The ONS is about opportunity and a feeling that they can get away with it rather than how they look.

You need to do what works for you to build up your self esteem and any affair makes you question yourself, it's only natural. It makes you feel ugly, fat and unwanted.

I too used the example of Kylie for myself and Colleen Rooney, Victoria Beckham, Katy Perry and all the other beautiful women who had this done to them. It's not about looks, it's about opportunity.

The important thing now is how you move forward. Yes, exercise can release positivity in the brain and and change the way your body looks but I suspect you are not eating properly at the moment anyway while you deal with this.

Thinking of your looks and the pain of rejection is natural. It will all take time.

Vivacia · 15/09/2014 09:59

I wouldn't suggest that she lose weight, though, as that is basically saying "Yes, you are ugly"

Absolutely. It's as though her problem is all to do with how thin she is, rather than his infidelity.

The thing about this being "the one detail" makes me wonder if it's a symbol of you not being ready to move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:06

I think all the 'one detail' illustrates is that the OP's confidence and self-esteem are exceptionally low. She's been placed in this sick competition and, even though she originally thought she'd won, I think she's now at that place which is very, very common.... looking at the 'prize' sat in front of her and getting a nasty sinking feeling that he probably isn't worth it.

Abilly72 · 15/09/2014 10:22

Rather missing the point in many areas.NO sex life because of lcak of privacy in a little house??Come on..go out and get a room somewhere,go away for a weekend by yourselves,go out in the car what you say is no excuse -both of you should have been working on that.
Otherwise don't believe a word he says about pretty or anything else -be careful what you insist on you may get it and you will be hurt.

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/09/2014 10:27

How to knock someone's self esteem further!!

None of this is OP's fault!

Branleuse · 15/09/2014 10:39

I think you asked for one final slap in the face from your dh really. What a risky question. It doesnt matter whether shes prettier than you. It doesnt matter what either of you look like. I think you only asked that to hurt yourself more

Branleuse · 15/09/2014 10:40

you really do not have to be the prettiest, and if hes tempted by people because they might be a bit prettier than his wife, then hes pathetic

TimBurgessILoveYourSmile · 15/09/2014 10:41

Peapod
She ain't better than you sweetheart, in these situations I just think if it is there on a plate and they want to take it they will. I don't know you but I think that you know deep down you're more than enough of a catch for any man, especially one who betrayed you, he is the one below par not you!
Sod her looks, looks are one of many, many things that make us attractive, he obviously thought you were gorgeous when he met you, he probably does still think your pretty, bet if you got chatted up while with him he would go all caveman!. Personally I think he is a bit of a fool, he had his head turned and now he has to live with that. BUT, don't you dare balme yourself or compare yourself to her, because all the mums-netters are TEAM PEAPOD, everytime. I agree with FLakey - you have to think [and I have been in this position] He is with me, if he wanted her he would have picked her, but NO, he is with you. It is up to him if he is genuinely sorry to ensure you are never placed in a position again where you doubt his word. If you felt crap before, sure honey make yourself feel good again, but do it for YOU not cos he said she is Pretty (which is relative anyway). You ought to ask him if he would as pleased if you were as easy as her too... Big hugs x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:45

"he had his head turned "

Really? On what evidence? For all we know and for all the OP knows, this could be a regular thing where he goes out hunting women to have a fling with. MM are often quite persistent IME. 'Having his head turned' makes it sound like he's being lured onto the marital rocks by shameless women, rather than making a conscious decision where to park his penis for the afternoon...

Original poster
Peapod70 · 15/09/2014 10:46

I'm overwhelmed with all your responses - the kindness of strangers is a powerful thing thank you all.
I'm not offended by the suggestions that I lose weight. Very wrongly, I do equate my excess weight with feeling ugly (although I don't feel this about other women who are overweight, I want to stress that). I've yo-yo dieted for years -never managed to lose more than 2 stone.
I'm an intelligent woman and I do understand that my actions or inaction didn't make him sleep with someone else. I even realise that my question, "is she prettier?" has nothing to do with why he slept with someone else. He's told me that it was an opportunity that he took without thought of me or anything else at that moment and I understand that too.
And at this moment I'm angry - angry with him and angry with myself for placing too much importance on the stupid question and the stupid answer!

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/09/2014 10:48

Did you find out, or did he tell you?

Original poster
Peapod70 · 15/09/2014 10:50

CogitoErgoSometimes - if I've heard the truth, it was a one time occasion in 19 years of marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peapod70 · 15/09/2014 10:52

Lweji, I found out - he admitted that he wouldn't have told me. Hence the brutal 'honesty' since. I demanded it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/09/2014 10:52

I always think of this exchange in 'Love Actually' for moments like this. It's the one where Karen played by Emma Thompson confronts her cheating husband played by Alan Rickman

Karen: ..... Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?
Harry: Oh, God. I am so in the wrong. The classic fool!
Karen: Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too!

TimBurgessILoveYourSmile · 15/09/2014 10:52

No Cog, that isn't what I mean't at all...Perhaps I could have worded that better, I was only going on the remorse the OP said her OH had demonstrated...I sincerely hope she doesn't find this comes with an awful backdrop....and I certainly wasn't blaming the woman,I feel the blame falls squarely on her partner, I was just trying to further my point, so I hope that clears that up...Just feel for the OP that's all.

Matildathecat · 15/09/2014 10:52

peapod, firstly I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's horrible.

I'm going to go along with the poster above who is asking about looking at trying somehow to make some changes to your living arrangements. It's not good for either of you to have your sex lives almost extinguished by lack of privacy. This is not intended as a criticism.

Can you face discussing this aspect of the problem and trying to get some changes? It's not good for any relationship to loses this aspect of your lives. After he's grovelled enough and you feel a little bit stronger, maybe try to think of some constructive solutions.

and at the risk of the collective wrath of mn, nothing makes me feel better than a decent haircut, a bit of slap and a proper outfit. For you. Not him