Please help me sort this mess out, I am so desperate

[sillymillyb]

I was going to name change but I really don't care any more. I am so desperate that I want to end everything, but I have a little boy, and he needs me so I can't. Please help me sort this out, I don't know how to unpick it.

I don't even know where to begin. In the past I have been horrible, actually, I would say I am still horrible quite a lot. I don't mean to be, but I am. I know my mum slags me off behind my back - she gave me her old phone and it was full of notes she had been keeping on me. It scared me that what she had written was so different from what I thought had happened, but I ignored it because she is my mum. I know from other threads on here that we have a dysfuntional relationship and that I need to step back. But I have struggled and now I'm in a mess and still haven't disengaged.

I've found out she has been slagging me off to my brothers and they now have cut me off. Some of what she has said is true but misrepresented, and some is just lies. I am bloody 33 and I am sad because my brothers are taking my mums side in some invisible battle I didn't even know was going on.

The incidents that have caused this are 2 things. The first was when I had an argument with my mum, nephew and son in the car. I was driving. I was trying to stay calm and not engage, but I turned to my mum and said if she continued to talk to me like that then I would pull over the car and she could get out. She told me to pull over, pulled my nephew out the car and walked off. I drove back around the block but they weren't there / weren't answering phones etc. I later picked them back up and apologised to my nephew. He has told his parents, who have said I kicked him out the car and left him by the road.

My mum looks after young adults she used to foster, they have learning difficulties and behavioural problems. One of them had a tantrum (she is 27) and hit my son and me when she was lashing out. I was trapped in the house with her, panicked and called the police. My mum and now brothers have said I have created a drama out of this, am making her out to be evil and I have done worse in the past (I once hit a foster sister - the same age as me, in an argument. I was out of order) I deliberately told no one about this incident so that no one could accuse me of creating a drama

No matter what I do it turns to shit, I know this and it haunts me. I have been trying so hard to be a better person since I had my son. I never go out, I don't see any one, but I can't escape it and I am going to wreck things for my son.

Against all advice on here, I am living next door to my mum in a house she owns, with her doing my childcare for me (she insists - she says I am being unfair to DS and not putting him first if I send him to anyone else because he is so secure and happy with her) I have no money, I don't know how to escape this. I actually rent another house, but the landlord and I are in legal battle at the moment as he was letting himself in unannounced and has taken out the bathroom and won't put it back in.

I just feel I have messed up my life so badly, and I wish I could end it all. My son is upstairs talking to himself in his cot before he goes to sleep and I feel so guilty for what I have brought him into - he deserves more than me, but everytime I try and make things better I make it worse.

So tell me, in baby step by steps, how the hell I make things better please? because I don't know how to do this and I am so desperate.

Just get away from the lot of them. You definitely need to move and stop using her for childcare - and fuck your brothers. I am n/c with my mum and dad for abuse reasons - my brother (whom I actually thought believed me and loved me) just cut me off one day without a reason. It still hurts but fuck them all - I am a great mum - my kids love me and are happy. The only harmful thing about your situation are your family - walk away and take your dear little boy with you - he needs you and loves you xxx

How easy/difficult would it be for you to move home and make alternative arrangements for childcare?

To be honest, if family relationships are dysfunctional it's perfectly reasonable to withdraw and cut contact. If people are ganging up on you and not hearing your side of things, then not being in touch with them is the only logical and sensible thing to do.

I'm absolutely certain that I've read posts from you before describing your mother and the fostering arrangements, putting the fosterkid's welfare ahead of her own family's. Am i right?

If you are feeling suicidal please call the samaritans. Please.

And see your GP. They will be able to help.

It seems your controlling, emotionally abusive mother is at the root of all this. Do you feel you'd like to get away from her?

You are not a crap mum. You are the sane one. Your poisnous mum will be poisoning your DS too. He doesn't deserve more thanyou. He deserves less of her. You are his chance to get away.

Yes Bitter that's me. I was abused by a foster child when I was younger and it has caused lots of problems within the family.

To be honest I didn't know about this until tonight so no one has even asked my opinion or side of things. I just didn't know it was an issue. I have had a shitty past - of my own doing / self sabotage - and I have struggled so hard to leave it behind since having DS. It just feels like this has been tagged on the end of it and I am damned no matter who I am now / what I do.

I don't know how to get out of this situation though. I have made my world smaller and smaller till there is only my family in it. To walk away is terrifying. I have no money, I have just started a new business and I need childcare. I am scared to move back to the old house because of the landlord, I am scared of messing up my DS's life because he loves her and this house is his stability.

I am just fucked, and I don't know how to fix this.

You are all saying my mum is the problem, I am just as bad as her - I have been so horrid in the past. If I had a magic wand I would be in my own home and independent of her - but I don't know how to get to that point.

I am not suicidal as such. If I could press a button and not exist I would, but DS is upstairs and I would never leave him or hurt him or make him grow up in a world without me. So it is ok. Thank you for samaritans / gp advice though, I am sorry I gave that impression x

Alpaca I don't know if I was in the wrong or not. I was scared - she hit my son (aiming for me) then hit me. It's the first time it has turned physical despite her having regular tantrums and I panicked. My mum has said repeatedly since, that me and the young adult are very alike and my son has been more scared by me losing my temper in the past that from this incident. I have repeatedly told her I haven't lost my temper in front of him (we used to have screaming arguments prior to me becoming pregnant) but it's like she doesn't believe me or is rewriting things or something. I don't know. I know I am not perfect, but I have lost sight of what is normal. I don't know how to make it better

Ok - please help me fix this. I need to be practical.

Should I move back to the house I am renting? Is it best to move DS even though he is secure here? I don't know how to afford it other than to do loads of runs in the car and maybe hire a van for the big stuff. I don't know how to even organise that with DS about and no childcare.

Childcare - this feels easier. I can try and find a childminder, I think I would get 70% paid so this feels more attainable. Is this the right decision though? Do they want money in advance?

I know that things aren't right, I know I have messed up badly, but I don't want to make more wrong decisions. If I do the 2 things above then I will be told I am acting impulsively and not in DS best interests. I need to be sure I am not making things worse.

deep breaths.
stop calling yourself, telling yourself you're bad. you aren't.
the situation you describe is unhealthy and harmful for you and your son. you want to make it better. that shows that you are functioning effectively and that you are a responsible person and mother.
somehow, you need to distance yourself from your mum, her foster children and your siblings, so that you can gain strength.
but you might not be able to do it right away, you might need planning time.
don't go back to the old landlord. are you tied in to the lease? can you break free of that, as the place is uninhabitable?
you might have to bide your time, making enquiries about accommodation and childcare but not saying anything to your relatives about it until you are ready to go.

I agree with getting away from them all. Nothing is going to improve unless you do. It will be a circle of the same thing over and over again. Your mother shouldn't be having this kind of hold on you. Start making plans even if they are only in your head for the time being. Think and do one step at a time.

It's not you, it's your mum.

Really.

Firstly start by writing a list of all the things you are good at however small.

For example...

Making a roast dinner, doing your make up, making your son laugh, writing birthday cards, saving money etc

You can already add..
the different aspects of your company, having the guts to start a company, stopping shouting since having son, reaching out for help here, loving your son, being a good mum who looks out for him first

Please don't be nice to me, I need to be strong and I know you are trying to help but it makes me feel like I have lied to you all because you think it is so one sided.

I have done horrendous things in the past - I was a stripper / I went bankrupt / have been arrested / my sons dad and I aren't together / I punched my foster sister in a fight (This was a total one off, I have never been violent before or since) And those are just the things that I can think of off the top of my head.

It's just that I was trying to be different now, and I am upset that I can't do that. My son means everything to me, I want to be better for him. I had a years psychotherapy after he was born and I know I have problems, I know a lot relates to my family, but I am not blameless, I'm really not, and that scares me because for all my mum may be toxic, what if I am? What if I can't stop that happening to me and my son?

I am trying to be practical, I am writing a list of things I can do and steps I can take. I am just overwhelmed I guess and I know I am going to be accused of being irrational. I feel like I can't trust my feelings and I need a step by step plan so that I can try and be logical. It is all so very bloody hard, and I know it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, or what people post about on here, but I feel stuck.

When you feel low take the list out and read it.

Speak to your doctor, they can help you feel more calm, maybe offer some talking therapy to help you feel stronger.

Write down how the things you have mentioned made you feel and how they have impacted you. Don't use blame words for other people, keep it about you.

Once you have that clear send that in a letter to your mum and brothers with how you would like your relationship to be with them going forward.

Speak to citizens advice regarding your landlord. If you can manage to stay were you are now try for a while as at least it is a secure roof.

Is your son happy when taken care of by your mum? Are you happy with how she cares for him?

Do you think you can build on your relationship with your mum? She sounds like she must be a caring person to still look after adult foster children, is she? Do you think that she still sees you as the person you were before your son arrived? I know my DM and I still have sensitive spots where she will react in a way assuming my actions as a teen/young adult and I have had a very secure up bringing even if we did have bust ups we never went to bed without making up with a hug (know I'm lucky). Parents can drive you nuts, at 29 I lived with them with my now DH and by the end I wasn't sure I wanted to see them again, we just pushed each others buttons under the same roof. Now I don't know what is do without them.

Can you reach out to old girl friends via Facebook etc to reconnect and gain some external support?

The problem is your mother. She's exploiting your mistakes. She's the one who has you isolated by talking bad about you to other family members. She's created this situation.

You can regain control of your own life. You can! You must because she will eventually talk bad about you to your own child. She will dig the wedge in there - like she did already between you and the other family members. She will.

Being a stripper and going bankrupt don't make you bad.

Like I said.

1. Think positive - I am good at list to keep you positive
2. Legal advice regarding other house
3. Write down how you feel
4. Send letter to family (as per above)
5. Sit and talk with each family member
6. Make non family support group, other mums as sons school, old school friends or colleagues, reconnect, go for a coffee or invite them to yours or meet in the park with a free Waitrose coffee.
7. Write a list of 4 goals you want to achieve in the next 6 months, plus 1 to achieve in the next month - call an old friend for a drink for example.
8. Make sure you have quality time with your son each week, make memories for the future for both of you.
9. See the doctor about some more counciling.

10. Re write your list of what you are good at.

My dh got arrested, he's still a good man who deserves love.

Nothing on that list jumps out as being bad anyway, it's just life.

I remember you, it's not you, it's your mum.
Unless you get away from her you won't see this.

Thank you for not tearing me to shreds and for all helping me.

Ok - I like the above list. I can do that.

I have legal advice sorted for Tues morning already, so that is in hand.

I will write a positive list (I had one of these from my psychotherpy days so I will dig it out as a basis)

I don't know how I feel about letter to family, I will be accused of making a drama. It is poss easiest to just get on with things.

I will look for alternative childcare because I need this business to be a success so badly.

I texted 2 old friends this morning ironically, which took so much courage. It was obviously meant to be timing wise.

Goals I have already done and try and do regularly since DS was born. I drift if I don't have an aim and I need to stop failing at things.

My son is my world, I am really trying to make the most of our weekends and evenings now I'm back at work.

Doctor about more counselling I'm not sure about, I think I would feel like I had failed somehow? Because I had the hardcore psycotherapy and it hasn't worked or something? I will think about this, I promise.

Thank you for all your help, I feel so knocked for six, I am not sure why it has hit me so hard :S

Please don't be nice to me, I need to be strong and I know you are trying to help but it makes me feel like I have lied to you all because you think it is so one sided.

^^ I used to feel like this all the time. I was so used to believing my mother's version of everything that I felt guilty and as if I were lying every time I told anyone my version of anything.

It took me two years and a lot of heartache to get away, but, in short: the problem wasn't me, it was her.

I can tell immediately from your posts that the same is true of you. You will feel so much better once you get away from this poisonous mother. Please start the process today. You will feel as though as huge weight has lifted when you finally realise that it's NOT YOU who is the messed up one, and that you are actually OKAY. I know I did - and I've never looked back.

I don't know how... but you need to break free for your Mother.

The fact you've changed since you had your son and are looking to make more positive steps now shows strength of character and that even if you have a low opinion of yourself, you're not a bad person.
All of our lives are made up of good and bad experiences. Some have more extremes than others but it's how we deal with them that counts. So sure, maybe you've done stuff you're not proud of but you're not doing them now. And you've created a little person :)

You are on the right path, stay focused and read your positive list every morning and when you feel low.

I suggest letters as that way you can get everything you want to say across including that you don't mean to add any drama just need to express your feelings.