10 years later I realise it was all stress

[misscph1973]

I have had some great support in this forum to a post I wrote a few weeks ago about my near breakdown. To sum it up, my DH is blind and I do everything.

In the last couple of weeks, aided by the support I got in above mentionened thread, I have come to the realisation that I am not actually an angry person as I thought, but that my knee-jerk reaction to stress is anger. And there has been a lot of stress since I started "grown-up" life with full time work and family life. I am beginning to realise just how rubbish I am am at dealing with the stress and burdens associated with the work/life balance. It's an odd mixed feeling of relief, regret and resentment. I with I had recognised it as stress and being over burdened. I wish I had chosen to not fret over the state of the house and not had such high expectations of myself. I wish I had stopped to think. I wish I had enjoyed it more, the last 10 years of my DCs lives. I wish I had said to my DH that I couldn't do it and that I hadn't just gritted my teeth and carried on with the deadlines, the hoovering, the baths, the home work etc, getting angrier and angrier with the perceived constant demand on me. I wish I wasn't naturally inclined to take everything upon me and then resent it. I wish I didn't always try to be strong and then break down.

I am sitting here with tears down my face for all the times I shouted at my DH and my kids. At how ridiculous it all is. At how much time I have wasted.

I don't think I have ever felt like how I thought it would be like to be a grown-up. I never thought I would have so much doubt and so much worry.

Sorry. Rant over. I'm actually okay, I just really needed to get this out of my head, and it just wasn't enough to write it down just for myself. Obviously my life is not always like I described above. If you read this, your comments are appreciated, but don't take me too seriously ;)

I do really hope that I will be able to change, just a little bit at a time, that I will be able to stop and really feel how it feels and consider the possible consequences for myself (and thereby my family), rather than just do what I always have done. Because it's not good for me and it ruins my relationship to my family. At the end of the day, no one will remember and appreciate if the floor was washed or the deadlines were met. What will be remembered is how we were as a family.

Hi OP, I 'm not so great with advice but just wanted to say my Dad is blind and my mum always had to do everything, cleaning, DIY, gardening, school runs cooking etc etc. She was always exhausted. I have no answers for you but wish I had a bit of sage advice. I just wanted to say that I know where you are coming from. For my mum she gets respite care for Dad and has time to herself a couple of times (normally a weekend ) a year and she is part of a support group where she goes once a month for tea and chats. These little things help. Do you know if there is any help in your area or even possible a family member pitches in for a weekend just to give you a break. You seem to be in a place where are restructing your time, commitments, thats not a bad thing and from your OP it sounds like the right thing for you. Don't kick yourself for what you see as your wrongs because all you were doing is what you thought was the best for your family at the time. You sound like you are too hard on yourself, I'm the same and so is my mum sometimes you just have to accept your human and can only do so much.
Have you tried talking to you DH about how you feel sometimes it helps just to let it all out.
I hope that you have a good day today.

I agree with you - I don't think you are inherently angry. I'm sure you are extremely stressed. I also think you are exhausted.
How old are your dcs? My ds is 10 and is expected to do various chores eg dishwasher, hoover. Can your dcs take some responsibility now? Afterall, family is about team work. What can your dh do independently? Could he talk to the dcs about their homework and build more of a role for himself there?

Family is not one person doing everything. Yes, you can probably stop worrying about the floor (I only wash mine when things start sticking to it - blush!) But it is probably time to revisit the division of labour in your house. And, even more importnantly, booking in time for you to have some life.

my knee-jerk reaction to stress is anger - I think many of us are guilty of that behaviour. I definitely am.

I think realisation that this is a pattern we have to break is first step in regaining sanity!

Thank you for your responses, they really help!

LBZT, I have actually only just realised that I am a carer. I am trying to get in touch with the local carer support, but they are really hard to get through to. I don't really need any financial help, I just really need emotional support. It's been quite a relief that recognise that I am a carer!

YvyB, My DCs are 7 and 9 and they do help out. Unfortunately it's a drop in the ocean ;) My DH does do what he can, but it's not much.

I am very, very stressed, we moved this summer. I think that is how I started realising that I was stressed, that it had been building up over the last many years and head become a constant for me, so I wasn't really realising. My DH had been telling me that I was stressed, something that I didn't want to admit, I wanted to be Superwoman. I have started talking to him about it, he is listening, but I think he is quite overwhelmed by it, as it just comes gushing out of me like a tidal wave.

I am unfortunately guilty of comparing myself to other people, especially those in glossy magazines ;) Also, I was a cleaner as a student, so I just see dirt everywhere. It's not that my standards are high, it's just that I can't help noticing dirt.

I do have a gardener and a window cleaner, so I do get some help. But the daily cleaning is just no happening as much as I would like it to, it happens in between things if I can steal a moment.

Now that the kids are older, and not in constant need of service, I sometimes get to just stop and think, and it's scary. I have been running on overload for so many years. Because they are getting older, I am beginning to see those beginning glimpses of them disappearing, because they are growing up, and I am beginning to regret every moment I haven't spent with them.

antimatter, it's quite a relief for me to that I have found the root to my issue. For years I was focusing on the symptom, the anger and lack of patience. Now that I know that I am stressed, I can start tackling that. It's not going to happen overnight. But it's a huge step for me to admit that I can't do it. I now need to start saying no.

You should pat yourself on the back for getting thru and having achieved so much to date. No one can have done what you have and breezed thru it. You have recognised that you need a gear change and that the pace is not sustainable long term and doesnt have to be. My house is now a pit but I justify it as the trade off for not screaming at my kids and having a heart attack....and snuggling up watching TV under the slanket with a pizza for a long lazy cuddle at least once a week...that unconitional love and golden moment is "perfect" - not a shiny kitchen floor, gritted teeth with the veins in your neck bulging as you scream at the kids to get out of the kitchen. But mess is stress -- so have simple daily and weekly routines.
1)Mon clean bathroom
2)Tues Clean kitchen floor
3)Wed clean lounge
4)Thurs clean bedrooms
5)Fri hoover hall and stairs

Stick one wash on, dry it and put away everyday.
Clean kitchen everyday
Tidy up every day........BUT dont clean every day people who have cleaners only Clean once a week!! step back from the hoover

If you think that you would like to spend more time with them - do it!
my kids are 15 and 17 and I made effort to persuade my workplace and am working full-time 5:30 AM - 2:30 PM. That means I am at home by 4 PM.
It is very hard for me as I love staying up late and had to force myself going to bed latest 9;30 but have that extra time at home with them in the afternoon.

I had a cleaner when they were younger and can see that it kept me sane. Would you be able to delegate cleaning to someone?

As for reducing stress - relaxation tapes/apps helped me as did listening to books about Buddhism. I am not religious but trying to take out of Buddhism what makes me more relaxed, hard to explain how it works for me...
I had last November a week at home (my annual holiday) and I was feeling so unwell I hardly left my bed. My tongue was sore and blistered, I went to see a consultant and he diagnosed it as stress related scalloped tongue. I was in agony, no painkiller was helping. Apparently is not that uncommon to have such symptoms.

I started listening to books by Pema Chödrön. They were highly recommended to my by one of my friends.
They helped me to relax and take another look at my worries and stress. I drive to work so it was Audible for me.

I also downloaded a couple of apps with hypnosis tracks to help me to go to sleep. I think that helped a lot as some days my mind couldn't switch off and I was tossing and turning when I knew I need to sleep so I can be up at 4 AM next morning.

Finding peace in my heart is my aim. I am getting there albeit very slowly .
I wish I got into meditation and relaxation sooner!

If I were you I would claim carer's allowance, and use the money to pay for a cleaner a few hours a week. We have done just that and it is amazing how much difference it makes to my stress levels. Coming home to a clean house is just wonderful and frees me up to do so much that I don't feel under pressure.

kittybelle: "gritted teeth with the veins in your neck bulging as you scream at the kids to get out of the kitchen" - unfortunately not unfamiliar ... A messy dirty house stresses me, but I will try to tell myself that it's not really worth stressing over.

I do put a wash on every day, it's putting it away that is troublesome ;) I am actually thinking that a routine for cleaning, and then not doing more than what's on it, might very work, rather than puting out fire. Trouble is there will always be a work deadline throwing a spanner in the works. But it's worth having a go to see if it would work.

antimatter, my DH is actally a very serious meditator. I have tried many times, with his help, but I end up doing a shopping/to do list in my head every time. I think the more important thing for me is to be more rational and less emotional so I can make better decisions.

coolaschmoola, unfortunately my DH is not blind enough for me to get carer's allowance. He does actually work, from home on the computer.

Yesterday started off difficult, neither kids had slept well so they were cranky. I have a very short fuse at the moment, so I found it almost unbearable. I did talk to DH, tearfully, about how I just can't do it anymore. He did listen, but only for so long, I guess I was very full on with my stress. I am quite sure he took it onboard. we did end up having a nice afternoon and nice dinner time. Kids off to be early, both had done their homework and also their tidy/cleaning tasks without too much complaining.

DS came into my bed in the early hours, he had had a nightmare. Neither kids have ever come much into our beds, so I let him. Can't say I enjoyed it, but, I let him.

This morning I got DH to take a more active role in keeping the kids at getting ready for school while I hung up the washing and cleaned the kitchen. I also took the dog out before the school run. It was nice. Now I will tackle my deadlines!

Thank you so much again for all your suggestions, they are VERY helpful and all are going into my sanity notes.

I remember visiting a residential school for the blind when younger and being completely taken a back by the pupils capability for independence. Is your H's sight loss a recent development? Are there other factors that contribute to him being less able? Sorry to be blunt but simply being blind doesn't make you incapable. There are lots of blind people, who with a little extra support and home adaptations living independent lives.

I have been visually impaired since birth and I remember having to tell my Ex that I didn't need leading when crossing the road. He pointed out that he was only helping as he had witnessed me nearly being hit by traffic in several occasions, I can only think of one occasion where this just might have happened. I had to point out to him that it wasn't sheer luck that I had survived living in busy cities the world over (non visually impaired travel companions had more issues crossing some streets in Bangkok, Mumbai and Hanoi than I ever did and I am generally very cautious in busy traffic).

The laboured point I am trying to make is, don't feel trapped into doing it all when you have a capable man who is only marginally less able. Organisation and routine are the way forward.

OP, no need to elaborate on your finances here but two things might help if you don't already have them, PIP and Carers allowance. PIP is definitely not means tested. It's a faff to claim but CAB will help withe the forms.

Then spend the money on help with cleaning and ironing and anything else that will ease your burden.

It's what these benefits exist for. If you haven't already done so, please do look into applying. PIP is obviously paid to your DH but I'm hoping you have a shared approach to money.

Good luck, you sound hideously over burdened.

Isetan, DH is not completely blind. He has Retinitis Pigmentosa, and he's always had it, and it just gets worse. He does do a lot, I am amazed at what he can do, but obviously he can't drive and housework is a complete waste of time, as he misses so much. He does wash pots and pans quite well. He reads to kids from iPad, the backlight really helps. He takes them out for long walks (they find the way, learns lots). He supervises some of kids chores.

Matildathecat, DH gets DPLA, is that the same as PIP? As far as I can see there is not much point in applying for carers allowance as DH only received middle component of DPLA and that kind of states that he is fairly independent. Took 3 goes to get it over 3 years, it was hard.

We recently lost all tax credits as we now earn too much, and that's fine, but it's hard to get used to not having them anymore.

I remember your original thread. It's good that you recognise that what has been causing a short fuse has been stress and overburden. It's not that you're an inherently angry person.
Does your DH recognise the degree of strain you have been under? How is he planning to support you?

Hi Walking. Yes, I believe DH does understand it. We have not made any specific agreements but just realising it has been a massive relief for me. I am wary that I will slip back into old habits of just getting on with things, and that he will just let me, but surely it can't get any worse and it will slowly start going in the right direction. I have been doing this for nearly 10 years, so it's not going to change overnight. But I am hopeful ;)

PIP is the replacement for DLA for new claims, yes. So your DH will stay on DLA until the government switch everyone over, unless he misses a renewal form deadline. To make a new claim it is only possible to claim PIP.

OK, thanks, George.

Sorry to be blunt but when I wash pots and pans I don't look a them - I do everything feeling for specks of dirt under my fingers and using sponge or more likely scourer ro clean them.

(I wear glasses and having very high astigmatism I can't see 20/20 wearing them anyway so I could take my glasses off and won't be able to see much)

Besides you could build up full set of crockery, cutlery and pans so that they go into dishwasher. Just soak and 1-2 lots of stuff goes into the dishwasher.

I am sure he could peel potatoes and vegetables, clean a bath, fold clothes from drying line, etc... Does he do that?

I feel you stepped in and took over many duties where your dh could learn to do it.

How about Roomba for hovering?

antimatter, be as blunt as you like, in this case I need things spelled out ;)

DH does cook, very well, actually. When he cleans, he does like you, he feels. Unfortunately there is not just his eye sight, there is also years of having his mum do everything for him and then being a typical lazy male to consider. He is definitely quite choosy with tasks. Getting him to clean pots and pans was quite hard. Other things I have simply given up, as he just doesn't do it - we will agree that this is now his area, but he just doesn't get it done (he is also busy with work as I am), and then I end up picking up the pieces (say an unpaid bill), which I always point out to him loudly with lots of anger! So I often end up doing things because it's just not worth it asking him as it upsets me too much when I can't trust him. I know it's defeatist, but I haven't got the energy. And he used to be lots worse, he is better. He is hardly a "modern man", although I think he likes to see himself as one.

Part of him just doesn't "see" everything I do, it's like he thinks it happens overnight by magic. Some times he will ask me to do something (like remember to buy milk) just before we go to bed, and then first thing in the morning he will ask if I have done it, completely unaware that I obviously didn't leave the house while he slept to go shopping. I am sure he means nothing evil by this, but if I am really stressed, then that really can set me off on a massive rant.

No, can't afford a Roomba, unfortunately. I recently worked on their Scandinavian campaign, actually (I'm a translator), and it so sent me off dreaming about one ;)

OK, I best stop slagging him off, I have parted with so much information that anyone who knew him would know it was him in this thread...

misscph - I look after my DH who has a chronic illness and disability- and until recently I spent a lot of time either mega-stressed and overwhelmed or anxious in case the house of cards collapsed. Lately I have thought - fuck it, I’m not being a carer anymore, I want to be a wife. When the kids were young, I spent much energy protecting them from the consequences of his illness by doing everything, now they are adults I don’t need to but wish I had got arsey a lot sooner. It doesn’t teach them well to see mummy as a full time reluctant carer – especially when also a bad-tempered harridan like me!

An elderly relative recently told me as gently as possible that rather than slagging my DH off, as I thought I always did, I actually over -compensated for his selective idleness and made excuses for his poor behaviour. As gently as possible - I can read this sub-text in your posts and its caused by care and concern, not weakness. DHs illness causes him to have acute pain much of the time and general feeling ill and knackered. I am not unsympathetic but now I cannot believe that I put up with so much crap. What an idiot.

How did I get from where I was then to where I am now – as bolshie as hell and insistent that he at least cooks a few meals, helps in the house and takes some responsibility for decision making. Oh yes, is more pro-active in helping himself. First – you may not like this but it worked for me... I started doing Flylady. I only do the minimum cleaning and it took a few years to get in the way of things but now at least the house looks fine and I don’t feel like a martyr. Then I increased my hours at work which got me out of the house and let me be me for a few hours. And made it clear that I don’t appreciate coming back to carnage, and in fact needed a little nap for 15 minutes when I got in. Eventually I went back to uni – fab fab fab. I don’t go to his doctors appointments anymore – well, he doesn't come to mine, does he, ..and I don’t emotionally engage with his illness, angst over it or try to solve it. I pretend that I am a practice nurse.. concerned, but going home at 5!

At first it was a bit tricky – quite a bit of door slamming and dramatic sulking. Now its better, I still do loads more but at least its manageable. He is starting to take a lot more responsibility for managing his illness and disability and feels better for it. I think the difference is that he realised I was getting ready to walk and didn't want me to, and I am now financially independent.

Apollinare, thank you so much for your reply, really appreciate it! I am very impressed by what you have done, what a great example for me.

I often feel that in our relationship it is only DH that is allowed to be stressed - he had really bad stress some years ago, but he sorted it out with meditation. But he has become quite good at not leaving any room for any one else in the "stress room". But it's both of us, it's a dynamic - I let him do this, and he is just fine with that.

In the past, when kids were really little, I did quite a bit of door slamming and just down right refusing to do certain things, and it worked, but it was so hard. I also found myself at a psychologist because I couldn't work out what the problem was, why we were always fighting and why I loved it when DH was away on business. After a few sessions I stopped, because it made no diffference. Years later I realised that the strain on our relationship was DH giving up smoking (really hard on all of us)! I often take the blame for just about anything, but DH is also happy to blame me. But again, I have become better at recognising it, so I am moving forward.

I can recognise much of what you write - "and takes some responsibility for decision making. Oh yes, is more pro-active in helping himself." Sounds a bit like my DH. In arguments in the past I often accused him of being a difficult lodger rather than my husband.

I do know Flylady and I actually appreciate it. I often try to clear out and get some routines, but then a deadline gets in the way ;) But perhaps I should start again, as I have got some habits from this - I often give myself 10 min. to declutter, and it works fine. Timing tasks is actually quite an eye opener ;) My mum is quite a horder and so is my sister, so I always look great next to them, but my MIL was quite shocked when she helped us move this summer and saw the amount of boxes with just my clothes. And I do actually clear out!

Again, thanks for your post, really nice to read it. And thanks for not saying LTB ;)

Aha, the 'his mum did everything' affliction that not only blind men appear to suffer from. He is a grown arse man and he should be doing his fair share, not just cherry picking the jobs he likes. You won't be the first or last woman who runs her self ragged trying to do it all when there is a perfectly able grown up nearby. It's time you got tough, it's less of he can't but can't be arsed and that ain't on.

Isetan, obviously you are right, but DHs poor mum has so much guilt because DH is blind and also because she didn't leave his abusive dad 10 years earlier (she was only 20 when she got DH), so she over compensated, and DH just thinks that's normal, and it's hard to make him think otherwise. To a certain extent I have a "poor blind man" syndrome here, but I am working on it. Unfortunately no one gave me a manual for relationships when I grw up, and I'm not a quick learner... But MN is a great teacher ;)

I don't want to seem like some super efficient Linda Snell - am clearly not, but a lot of what you say misscph resonates. But what works for me is having a clear morning and evening routine, very quick so it gets done, and a daily wash load and away - kids can help with this as well. I menu plan (badly) and shop online every week as I HATE going to the supermarket. Its always going to be different when one partner is disabled - the normal rules need to be more flexible.

Once you've got this down, it gives you some head space to see if you are being manipulated, if you need to go out more as a couple, if you need more things that are fun, if your DH is using his disability as a cop-out ( undoubtedly YES). As women it seems there is a lot of pressure to be the perfect nurturers, esp with a disabled partner and for years I fell for that one. Now I just go for bit -of -a- bitch if I think I am being taken advantage of.
Things are not perfect of course... somebody near here is having a flounce atm, difference is that I am not mortified and apologetic... just carrying on writing my PhD thesis

I agree with Apollinaire, and am glad that the clouds are starting to clear. Realising when and how you are being taken advantage of is pretty key.

Your DH does not have the monopoly over being stressed and exhausted. Your needs count too. For me, almost the hardest part has been recognising when I'm at my limit and what DH needs to do to support me. Then there are a few stages after that - articulating it and expecting him to step up. And getting used to having too be a hardass occasionally.

It takes a while, as you recognise, but it's really important to start changing patterns now, or you'll risk spending the rest of your life in confused resentment. Hope it works out for you op.

I gather you do school runs and full-time job+commuting - he is at home with no commuting.

Even if any task takes him twice as long then he can still do a lot in those extra (I am guessing) 2 hours he has and he is less tired than you!

You sound like a mother of 2 small kids and one who is a grown-up teenager who only does what suit him.My ex was like that too.

It's hard to unlearn old habits but if you don't soon your either have nervous breakdown or file for a divorce.

Neither would be easy on the family. You have to sit him down (not at home, go out for a chat like that) and discuss things. Make list together of things which need doing daily, weekly and monthly. Divide between them between each of the family member. Write rota and everyone who does their bit puts a cross against "task done".
In return come up with lists of things which would be earned prizes - choice of pudding for sunday lunch, choice of film to watch, choice of outing etc.

I think he has to agree to set tasks and a routine. You have to be strong not to step in and take over.

Do you go out by yourself at all?

Re:roomba - maybe that should be aim to save for in the next 12-18 months for your family?

Oh, wow, you lot are just so brilliant, you REALLY get it! I have been trying so hard for years to make all of this work, all this juggling everything and not getting anywhere and always being frustrated.

Appollinaire, we do get several types of deliveries during the week and we do meal plan, it works well, but it's also hard as we are both food snobs and spend a lot of time cooking, but that's probably what has kept us together, that we enjoy cooking together, that is always an area where we rarely disagree, and we have a great time.

The lack of headspace has been a real problem - in those rare moments where I stop and think, I would just be so shocked at how little I reflected over my life - and then I would be off again, as it is so much easier to be busy than to have time enough to think about how I really feel.

What I find really hard, is that I have to be really hard to get anywhere, I just don't understand why DH just doesn't bloody think just every now and again and actually worry about me and my well-being and not just himself.

walkingwounded: For me, almost the hardest part has been recognising when I'm at my limit and what DH needs to do to support me. - so true, I am not very in touch with myself to put it mildly. When DH does ask "so what do you want", I have absolutely no idea.

And the resentment you describe is what really has been worrying me, as it was just growing and growing, and that scared me.

Antimattter, thankfully I work from home as well. That is also a bit problematic sometimes, as we really do see enough of each other. I have considered getting an office, but I don't think I would like it, I hate commuting, it's one of the main reasons I gave up being an employee.

Yes, you are right, it's often like having 3 kids. When it's worst, I immediately tense and grit my teeth as soon as anyone calls my name, as it will just be another demand. It's awful when it's like that.

No, I don't really go out for myself, not more than a few times a year. Doesn't help that we just moved and I don't know anyone here, but I am sure it can only get better.

This afternoon I drafted a weekly cleaning plan (obviously I do most of it, but it's a start), and it doesn't actually look so bad when it's down on paper. I followed it today (hoover downstairs), and now I am not going to worry about hoovering downstair until Friday, and it feels very liberating ;)

I can do this! I actually feel great, and you are a huge part of it!

Now I will go and have a cup of tea that DH just made me (he's not all bad!).