10 years later I realise it was all stress

[misscph1973]

I have had some great support in this forum to a post I wrote a few weeks ago about my near breakdown. To sum it up, my DH is blind and I do everything.

In the last couple of weeks, aided by the support I got in above mentionened thread, I have come to the realisation that I am not actually an angry person as I thought, but that my knee-jerk reaction to stress is anger. And there has been a lot of stress since I started "grown-up" life with full time work and family life. I am beginning to realise just how rubbish I am am at dealing with the stress and burdens associated with the work/life balance. It's an odd mixed feeling of relief, regret and resentment. I with I had recognised it as stress and being over burdened. I wish I had chosen to not fret over the state of the house and not had such high expectations of myself. I wish I had stopped to think. I wish I had enjoyed it more, the last 10 years of my DCs lives. I wish I had said to my DH that I couldn't do it and that I hadn't just gritted my teeth and carried on with the deadlines, the hoovering, the baths, the home work etc, getting angrier and angrier with the perceived constant demand on me. I wish I wasn't naturally inclined to take everything upon me and then resent it. I wish I didn't always try to be strong and then break down.

I am sitting here with tears down my face for all the times I shouted at my DH and my kids. At how ridiculous it all is. At how much time I have wasted.

I don't think I have ever felt like how I thought it would be like to be a grown-up. I never thought I would have so much doubt and so much worry.

Sorry. Rant over. I'm actually okay, I just really needed to get this out of my head, and it just wasn't enough to write it down just for myself. Obviously my life is not always like I described above. If you read this, your comments are appreciated, but don't take me too seriously ;)

I do really hope that I will be able to change, just a little bit at a time, that I will be able to stop and really feel how it feels and consider the possible consequences for myself (and thereby my family), rather than just do what I always have done. Because it's not good for me and it ruins my relationship to my family. At the end of the day, no one will remember and appreciate if the floor was washed or the deadlines were met. What will be remembered is how we were as a family.

[Apollinare]

Misscph - I would go truly mental if I was at home all day at everybody's beck and call. ...

[KouignAmann]

MissCPH can I just say thanks for this thread which has opened my eyes to why my marriage foundered in a sea of angry resentment after 24 years. My XH isn't blind but he is an eccentric genius who I nurtured for two decades along with running the house and raising DC and holding down a professional career. I was shouty and cross and got more bitter as he got more successful. I hated what I turned into and decided to leave. He then turned into full on controlling abuser in an attempt to get me back into line. I know my rambling on isn't helpful or relevant but your thread has made the Penny drop! Thank you and I hope you can change the dynamic between you to make your life better!

[antimatter]

I think if you stop treating him as a child and expect him to be a grown up many aspects of your relationship is going to improve.

I wish I did the same when I was still with my ex. I don't regret what happened since we split but I can see a lot of resentment was built within me because I took over his responsibilities and he was very reluctant to agree to contribute more when I was exhausted.

[misscph1973]

Appollinaire, it's not actually so bad, as we both get stuck in with our work in our home offices (thankfully we don't share!). But we are in the same house most of the day.

KouignAmann, so sorry to hear about your difficult DH, but happy to hear that my description of my troubles has been helpful for you. Of course your post is relevant, we can all learn from eachothers experiences. I hope that you are in a better place now?

I think resentment in yourself can often be hard to understand, as it can be a slow build up, so slow that it sneaks up on you and you think it's part of who you are. I am very typically beginning to understand it now, as my kids are a bit bigger now (7 and 9) and I am in my 40'es (think midlfe crisis!).

antimatter, I guess I do treat him a bit like a child, but it's hard not to sometimes! In my first thread some one pointed out that I was not talking about him like he was my partner, and that I sounded disconnected from him, which is true. I am trying to work out how to find the partner in myself, but it's just hard when my day is filled with tasks, jobs, chores etc., there is not much left of me!

[BiddyPop]

I wasn't going to open this thread but I'm so glad I did. Partly the good news in it of you seeing the reality you have and coming to terms with it. And getting lots of great advice to help the practicalities to.

But it also started ringing bells in my head, very loudly. I have been coping, badly, not with the same as you but a DH who spends 2 weeks out of 4 abroad, and having gotten DDs aspergers/ADHD dx almost a year into those travels. Dealing with various different au pairs living in my home and the boundaries that puts on me and not always as useful as I need them tone, working FT in a damn hard job, and basically being the household manager as well.

I know, in my heart and soul, that I am doing too much and have been for years. But the past year or so I have bne barely coping. So much that when my parents insisted on a family holiday this year, all 15 (6 DCs, 4 DPs and 3 DGCs) I couldn't refuse but it meant I screamed abuse at DF the first morning when I got given out to for my attitude. Both of us were at fault, I DO know that. But I cannot switch off anymore. And a couple of whiplashes in the past 3 years mean my back and neck go into spasm, making me suff a lot of pain, far too easily.

I am working on destressing. I am working on handing over more chores to others. I am working on carving out time just for me. I will get back to working on losing 2 stone and getting fit again once the latest round of spasmy muscles ar relaxed again and I can function normally again. But I had recently noticed just how angry I had become, and intolerant I was sounding, not intentionally but just as a reaction to my internal stress levels.

I hope you are successful in your own efforts to take back some control. I may not get to keep track of them, but will cheer you on from here.

[misscph1973]

Oh, BiddyPop, I feel for you! You are over burdened and I bet you feel trapped! I know what you mean when you say you can't switch off anymore, I am often like that, I just run around like a headless chicken. I am sorry to hear you had a near breakdown on the family holiday, but unfortunately I understand, I often have a near breakdown just before a family get together, because I want it to go well so badly but I haven't got the SPACE in my head!

Your whiplashes, how did they happen? Could it be stress related? Ie. tension building up? I am worried that you are getting physical symptoms of your stress. I hope I am reading to much into it!

How old is your DD? Has the ADH/Aspergers been officially diagnosed?

Best of luck. Take it easy. Work on one thing at a time. First you need to heal physically, ie. your whiplash. It will take time and rest. I hope you get time to get back on this thread!

[antimatter]

BiddyPop - if you can find time please try yoga.
It does wonders to bad back.
It will be also beneficial in helping you to relax.

[BiddyPop]

I managed to get to a sunrise yoga class last autumn for about 8 weeks, but that finished over winter and I never got back to it in spring. I am looking into going again either sunrise or lunchtime once the latest spasms are settled. Or else back to pilates, which I tried about 4 years ago and liked.

Whiplashes were someone hit me first, and 13 months later, I rearended someone else. 2nd I would say probably had stress as part of the reason. But when I get overstressed now, the muscles lock back into the place they were then. I do get massages and physio to deal with it. But after I had driven for 3 hours solo, I cut my finger Sunday last week and had to spend 9 hours in A+E waiting for supergluing on hard chairs and in the cold, so the whole lot of that combined to cause it to lock up again. I struggled on last week while DH is away (still is- back Saturday), but I have noticed myself being shouty - DD and I have gone for walks most evenings which has helped. And I had brought my yoga ball to work about 4 weeks ago to use instead of my desk chair part of the time, and that helps too.

Yes, DD has an official DX, and she takes meds for the adhd and gets some resource time at school for the asp. But as she is high functioning, lots of people don't see when she lets her barriers down at home and the reality of her coping is taking it out on DH and I. But she has matured a lot the past year and learned to deal with things better (she's not going under desks at school this year, whereas it was a nightmare start to the year last year).

DH swears the travel is finishing up next month. I've heard that before, but it seems more likely this time - but I won't fully believe it until there are no more plane tickets booked.

It's a case of baby steps for me and just trying to make sure I keep the show on the road but slowly making changes to give ME a chance.

Sorry, I didn't mean to de-rail the thread.

[misscph1973]

Thanks for clarifying, you are not de-railing the thread.

With all your pains, have you tried trigger point massage with a lacrosse ball and a foam roller? Look into it, it is very easy, quick and you can do it yourself. Helps me and DH immensely.

Sounds like you DD is doing very well, but I can appreciate the strain on her and yourself with making her able to cope.

I guess your DH travels for work? It sounds like he does understand that his travelling is taking its toll on the family?

It's taken me a very long time to really, truly understand that my anger is not going to disappear unless I look at the root cause, which is the stress. I am not going to be able to be a nice person if I am constantly over worked (and I mean with actual, paid work as well as house work and my own expectations).

My mum was very angry for a large part of my childhood, in the years before she split from my dad, and I hated her for it, I hated her for letting it all out on me when it had nothing to do with me. I am terrified of doing the same. Unfortunately the result is that DH gets all my shouting. It seems someone has to take it from me, I find it very hard to vent safely.