10 years later I realise it was all stress

[misscph1973]

I have had some great support in this forum to a post I wrote a few weeks ago about my near breakdown. To sum it up, my DH is blind and I do everything.

In the last couple of weeks, aided by the support I got in above mentionened thread, I have come to the realisation that I am not actually an angry person as I thought, but that my knee-jerk reaction to stress is anger. And there has been a lot of stress since I started "grown-up" life with full time work and family life. I am beginning to realise just how rubbish I am am at dealing with the stress and burdens associated with the work/life balance. It's an odd mixed feeling of relief, regret and resentment. I with I had recognised it as stress and being over burdened. I wish I had chosen to not fret over the state of the house and not had such high expectations of myself. I wish I had stopped to think. I wish I had enjoyed it more, the last 10 years of my DCs lives. I wish I had said to my DH that I couldn't do it and that I hadn't just gritted my teeth and carried on with the deadlines, the hoovering, the baths, the home work etc, getting angrier and angrier with the perceived constant demand on me. I wish I wasn't naturally inclined to take everything upon me and then resent it. I wish I didn't always try to be strong and then break down.

I am sitting here with tears down my face for all the times I shouted at my DH and my kids. At how ridiculous it all is. At how much time I have wasted.

I don't think I have ever felt like how I thought it would be like to be a grown-up. I never thought I would have so much doubt and so much worry.

Sorry. Rant over. I'm actually okay, I just really needed to get this out of my head, and it just wasn't enough to write it down just for myself. Obviously my life is not always like I described above. If you read this, your comments are appreciated, but don't take me too seriously ;)

I do really hope that I will be able to change, just a little bit at a time, that I will be able to stop and really feel how it feels and consider the possible consequences for myself (and thereby my family), rather than just do what I always have done. Because it's not good for me and it ruins my relationship to my family. At the end of the day, no one will remember and appreciate if the floor was washed or the deadlines were met. What will be remembered is how we were as a family.

[misscph1973]

Thanks for clarifying, you are not de-railing the thread.

With all your pains, have you tried trigger point massage with a lacrosse ball and a foam roller? Look into it, it is very easy, quick and you can do it yourself. Helps me and DH immensely.

Sounds like you DD is doing very well, but I can appreciate the strain on her and yourself with making her able to cope.

I guess your DH travels for work? It sounds like he does understand that his travelling is taking its toll on the family?

It's taken me a very long time to really, truly understand that my anger is not going to disappear unless I look at the root cause, which is the stress. I am not going to be able to be a nice person if I am constantly over worked (and I mean with actual, paid work as well as house work and my own expectations).

My mum was very angry for a large part of my childhood, in the years before she split from my dad, and I hated her for it, I hated her for letting it all out on me when it had nothing to do with me. I am terrified of doing the same. Unfortunately the result is that DH gets all my shouting. It seems someone has to take it from me, I find it very hard to vent safely.

[BiddyPop]

I managed to get to a sunrise yoga class last autumn for about 8 weeks, but that finished over winter and I never got back to it in spring. I am looking into going again either sunrise or lunchtime once the latest spasms are settled. Or else back to pilates, which I tried about 4 years ago and liked.

Whiplashes were someone hit me first, and 13 months later, I rearended someone else. 2nd I would say probably had stress as part of the reason. But when I get overstressed now, the muscles lock back into the place they were then. I do get massages and physio to deal with it. But after I had driven for 3 hours solo, I cut my finger Sunday last week and had to spend 9 hours in A+E waiting for supergluing on hard chairs and in the cold, so the whole lot of that combined to cause it to lock up again. I struggled on last week while DH is away (still is- back Saturday), but I have noticed myself being shouty - DD and I have gone for walks most evenings which has helped. And I had brought my yoga ball to work about 4 weeks ago to use instead of my desk chair part of the time, and that helps too.

Yes, DD has an official DX, and she takes meds for the adhd and gets some resource time at school for the asp. But as she is high functioning, lots of people don't see when she lets her barriers down at home and the reality of her coping is taking it out on DH and I. But she has matured a lot the past year and learned to deal with things better (she's not going under desks at school this year, whereas it was a nightmare start to the year last year).

DH swears the travel is finishing up next month. I've heard that before, but it seems more likely this time - but I won't fully believe it until there are no more plane tickets booked.

It's a case of baby steps for me and just trying to make sure I keep the show on the road but slowly making changes to give ME a chance.

Sorry, I didn't mean to de-rail the thread.

[antimatter]

BiddyPop - if you can find time please try yoga.
It does wonders to bad back.
It will be also beneficial in helping you to relax.

[misscph1973]

Oh, BiddyPop, I feel for you! You are over burdened and I bet you feel trapped! I know what you mean when you say you can't switch off anymore, I am often like that, I just run around like a headless chicken. I am sorry to hear you had a near breakdown on the family holiday, but unfortunately I understand, I often have a near breakdown just before a family get together, because I want it to go well so badly but I haven't got the SPACE in my head!

Your whiplashes, how did they happen? Could it be stress related? Ie. tension building up? I am worried that you are getting physical symptoms of your stress. I hope I am reading to much into it!

How old is your DD? Has the ADH/Aspergers been officially diagnosed?

Best of luck. Take it easy. Work on one thing at a time. First you need to heal physically, ie. your whiplash. It will take time and rest. I hope you get time to get back on this thread!

[BiddyPop]

I wasn't going to open this thread but I'm so glad I did. Partly the good news in it of you seeing the reality you have and coming to terms with it. And getting lots of great advice to help the practicalities to.

But it also started ringing bells in my head, very loudly. I have been coping, badly, not with the same as you but a DH who spends 2 weeks out of 4 abroad, and having gotten DDs aspergers/ADHD dx almost a year into those travels. Dealing with various different au pairs living in my home and the boundaries that puts on me and not always as useful as I need them tone, working FT in a damn hard job, and basically being the household manager as well.

I know, in my heart and soul, that I am doing too much and have been for years. But the past year or so I have bne barely coping. So much that when my parents insisted on a family holiday this year, all 15 (6 DCs, 4 DPs and 3 DGCs) I couldn't refuse but it meant I screamed abuse at DF the first morning when I got given out to for my attitude. Both of us were at fault, I DO know that. But I cannot switch off anymore. And a couple of whiplashes in the past 3 years mean my back and neck go into spasm, making me suff a lot of pain, far too easily.

I am working on destressing. I am working on handing over more chores to others. I am working on carving out time just for me. I will get back to working on losing 2 stone and getting fit again once the latest round of spasmy muscles ar relaxed again and I can function normally again. But I had recently noticed just how angry I had become, and intolerant I was sounding, not intentionally but just as a reaction to my internal stress levels.

I hope you are successful in your own efforts to take back some control. I may not get to keep track of them, but will cheer you on from here.

[misscph1973]

Appollinaire, it's not actually so bad, as we both get stuck in with our work in our home offices (thankfully we don't share!). But we are in the same house most of the day.

KouignAmann, so sorry to hear about your difficult DH, but happy to hear that my description of my troubles has been helpful for you. Of course your post is relevant, we can all learn from eachothers experiences. I hope that you are in a better place now?

I think resentment in yourself can often be hard to understand, as it can be a slow build up, so slow that it sneaks up on you and you think it's part of who you are. I am very typically beginning to understand it now, as my kids are a bit bigger now (7 and 9) and I am in my 40'es (think midlfe crisis!).

antimatter, I guess I do treat him a bit like a child, but it's hard not to sometimes! In my first thread some one pointed out that I was not talking about him like he was my partner, and that I sounded disconnected from him, which is true. I am trying to work out how to find the partner in myself, but it's just hard when my day is filled with tasks, jobs, chores etc., there is not much left of me!

[antimatter]

I think if you stop treating him as a child and expect him to be a grown up many aspects of your relationship is going to improve.

I wish I did the same when I was still with my ex. I don't regret what happened since we split but I can see a lot of resentment was built within me because I took over his responsibilities and he was very reluctant to agree to contribute more when I was exhausted.

[KouignAmann]

MissCPH can I just say thanks for this thread which has opened my eyes to why my marriage foundered in a sea of angry resentment after 24 years. My XH isn't blind but he is an eccentric genius who I nurtured for two decades along with running the house and raising DC and holding down a professional career. I was shouty and cross and got more bitter as he got more successful. I hated what I turned into and decided to leave. He then turned into full on controlling abuser in an attempt to get me back into line. I know my rambling on isn't helpful or relevant but your thread has made the Penny drop! Thank you and I hope you can change the dynamic between you to make your life better!

[Apollinare]

Misscph - I would go truly mental if I was at home all day at everybody's beck and call. ...

[misscph1973]

Oh, wow, you lot are just so brilliant, you REALLY get it! I have been trying so hard for years to make all of this work, all this juggling everything and not getting anywhere and always being frustrated.

Appollinaire, we do get several types of deliveries during the week and we do meal plan, it works well, but it's also hard as we are both food snobs and spend a lot of time cooking, but that's probably what has kept us together, that we enjoy cooking together, that is always an area where we rarely disagree, and we have a great time.

The lack of headspace has been a real problem - in those rare moments where I stop and think, I would just be so shocked at how little I reflected over my life - and then I would be off again, as it is so much easier to be busy than to have time enough to think about how I really feel.

What I find really hard, is that I have to be really hard to get anywhere, I just don't understand why DH just doesn't bloody think just every now and again and actually worry about me and my well-being and not just himself.

walkingwounded: For me, almost the hardest part has been recognising when I'm at my limit and what DH needs to do to support me. - so true, I am not very in touch with myself to put it mildly. When DH does ask "so what do you want", I have absolutely no idea.

And the resentment you describe is what really has been worrying me, as it was just growing and growing, and that scared me.

Antimattter, thankfully I work from home as well. That is also a bit problematic sometimes, as we really do see enough of each other. I have considered getting an office, but I don't think I would like it, I hate commuting, it's one of the main reasons I gave up being an employee.

Yes, you are right, it's often like having 3 kids. When it's worst, I immediately tense and grit my teeth as soon as anyone calls my name, as it will just be another demand. It's awful when it's like that.

No, I don't really go out for myself, not more than a few times a year. Doesn't help that we just moved and I don't know anyone here, but I am sure it can only get better.

This afternoon I drafted a weekly cleaning plan (obviously I do most of it, but it's a start), and it doesn't actually look so bad when it's down on paper. I followed it today (hoover downstairs), and now I am not going to worry about hoovering downstair until Friday, and it feels very liberating ;)

I can do this! I actually feel great, and you are a huge part of it!

Now I will go and have a cup of tea that DH just made me (he's not all bad!).

[antimatter]

I gather you do school runs and full-time job+commuting - he is at home with no commuting.

Even if any task takes him twice as long then he can still do a lot in those extra (I am guessing) 2 hours he has and he is less tired than you!

You sound like a mother of 2 small kids and one who is a grown-up teenager who only does what suit him.My ex was like that too.

It's hard to unlearn old habits but if you don't soon your either have nervous breakdown or file for a divorce.

Neither would be easy on the family. You have to sit him down (not at home, go out for a chat like that) and discuss things. Make list together of things which need doing daily, weekly and monthly. Divide between them between each of the family member. Write rota and everyone who does their bit puts a cross against "task done".
In return come up with lists of things which would be earned prizes - choice of pudding for sunday lunch, choice of film to watch, choice of outing etc.

I think he has to agree to set tasks and a routine. You have to be strong not to step in and take over.

Do you go out by yourself at all?

Re:roomba - maybe that should be aim to save for in the next 12-18 months for your family?

[Walkingwounded]

I agree with Apollinaire, and am glad that the clouds are starting to clear. Realising when and how you are being taken advantage of is pretty key.

Your DH does not have the monopoly over being stressed and exhausted. Your needs count too. For me, almost the hardest part has been recognising when I'm at my limit and what DH needs to do to support me. Then there are a few stages after that - articulating it and expecting him to step up. And getting used to having too be a hardass occasionally.

It takes a while, as you recognise, but it's really important to start changing patterns now, or you'll risk spending the rest of your life in confused resentment. Hope it works out for you op.

[Apollinare]

I don't want to seem like some super efficient Linda Snell - am clearly not, but a lot of what you say misscph resonates. But what works for me is having a clear morning and evening routine, very quick so it gets done, and a daily wash load and away - kids can help with this as well. I menu plan (badly) and shop online every week as I HATE going to the supermarket. Its always going to be different when one partner is disabled - the normal rules need to be more flexible.

Once you've got this down, it gives you some head space to see if you are being manipulated, if you need to go out more as a couple, if you need more things that are fun, if your DH is using his disability as a cop-out ( undoubtedly YES). As women it seems there is a lot of pressure to be the perfect nurturers, esp with a disabled partner and for years I fell for that one. Now I just go for bit -of -a- bitch if I think I am being taken advantage of.
Things are not perfect of course... somebody near here is having a flounce atm, difference is that I am not mortified and apologetic... just carrying on writing my PhD thesis

[misscph1973]

Isetan, obviously you are right, but DHs poor mum has so much guilt because DH is blind and also because she didn't leave his abusive dad 10 years earlier (she was only 20 when she got DH), so she over compensated, and DH just thinks that's normal, and it's hard to make him think otherwise. To a certain extent I have a "poor blind man" syndrome here, but I am working on it. Unfortunately no one gave me a manual for relationships when I grw up, and I'm not a quick learner... But MN is a great teacher ;)

[Isetan]

Aha, the 'his mum did everything' affliction that not only blind men appear to suffer from. He is a grown arse man and he should be doing his fair share, not just cherry picking the jobs he likes. You won't be the first or last woman who runs her self ragged trying to do it all when there is a perfectly able grown up nearby. It's time you got tough, it's less of he can't but can't be arsed and that ain't on.

[misscph1973]

Apollinare, thank you so much for your reply, really appreciate it! I am very impressed by what you have done, what a great example for me.

I often feel that in our relationship it is only DH that is allowed to be stressed - he had really bad stress some years ago, but he sorted it out with meditation. But he has become quite good at not leaving any room for any one else in the "stress room". But it's both of us, it's a dynamic - I let him do this, and he is just fine with that.

In the past, when kids were really little, I did quite a bit of door slamming and just down right refusing to do certain things, and it worked, but it was so hard. I also found myself at a psychologist because I couldn't work out what the problem was, why we were always fighting and why I loved it when DH was away on business. After a few sessions I stopped, because it made no diffference. Years later I realised that the strain on our relationship was DH giving up smoking (really hard on all of us)! I often take the blame for just about anything, but DH is also happy to blame me. But again, I have become better at recognising it, so I am moving forward.

I can recognise much of what you write - "and takes some responsibility for decision making. Oh yes, is more pro-active in helping himself." Sounds a bit like my DH. In arguments in the past I often accused him of being a difficult lodger rather than my husband.

I do know Flylady and I actually appreciate it. I often try to clear out and get some routines, but then a deadline gets in the way ;) But perhaps I should start again, as I have got some habits from this - I often give myself 10 min. to declutter, and it works fine. Timing tasks is actually quite an eye opener ;) My mum is quite a horder and so is my sister, so I always look great next to them, but my MIL was quite shocked when she helped us move this summer and saw the amount of boxes with just my clothes. And I do actually clear out!

Again, thanks for your post, really nice to read it. And thanks for not saying LTB ;)

[Apollinare]

misscph - I look after my DH who has a chronic illness and disability- and until recently I spent a lot of time either mega-stressed and overwhelmed or anxious in case the house of cards collapsed. Lately I have thought - fuck it, I’m not being a carer anymore, I want to be a wife. When the kids were young, I spent much energy protecting them from the consequences of his illness by doing everything, now they are adults I don’t need to but wish I had got arsey a lot sooner. It doesn’t teach them well to see mummy as a full time reluctant carer – especially when also a bad-tempered harridan like me!

An elderly relative recently told me as gently as possible that rather than slagging my DH off, as I thought I always did, I actually over -compensated for his selective idleness and made excuses for his poor behaviour. As gently as possible - I can read this sub-text in your posts and its caused by care and concern, not weakness. DHs illness causes him to have acute pain much of the time and general feeling ill and knackered. I am not unsympathetic but now I cannot believe that I put up with so much crap. What an idiot.

How did I get from where I was then to where I am now – as bolshie as hell and insistent that he at least cooks a few meals, helps in the house and takes some responsibility for decision making. Oh yes, is more pro-active in helping himself. First – you may not like this but it worked for me... I started doing Flylady. I only do the minimum cleaning and it took a few years to get in the way of things but now at least the house looks fine and I don’t feel like a martyr. Then I increased my hours at work which got me out of the house and let me be me for a few hours. And made it clear that I don’t appreciate coming back to carnage, and in fact needed a little nap for 15 minutes when I got in. Eventually I went back to uni – fab fab fab. I don’t go to his doctors appointments anymore – well, he doesn't come to mine, does he, ..and I don’t emotionally engage with his illness, angst over it or try to solve it. I pretend that I am a practice nurse.. concerned, but going home at 5!

At first it was a bit tricky – quite a bit of door slamming and dramatic sulking. Now its better, I still do loads more but at least its manageable. He is starting to take a lot more responsibility for managing his illness and disability and feels better for it. I think the difference is that he realised I was getting ready to walk and didn't want me to, and I am now financially independent.

[misscph1973]

antimatter, be as blunt as you like, in this case I need things spelled out ;)

DH does cook, very well, actually. When he cleans, he does like you, he feels. Unfortunately there is not just his eye sight, there is also years of having his mum do everything for him and then being a typical lazy male to consider. He is definitely quite choosy with tasks. Getting him to clean pots and pans was quite hard. Other things I have simply given up, as he just doesn't do it - we will agree that this is now his area, but he just doesn't get it done (he is also busy with work as I am), and then I end up picking up the pieces (say an unpaid bill), which I always point out to him loudly with lots of anger! So I often end up doing things because it's just not worth it asking him as it upsets me too much when I can't trust him. I know it's defeatist, but I haven't got the energy. And he used to be lots worse, he is better. He is hardly a "modern man", although I think he likes to see himself as one.

Part of him just doesn't "see" everything I do, it's like he thinks it happens overnight by magic. Some times he will ask me to do something (like remember to buy milk) just before we go to bed, and then first thing in the morning he will ask if I have done it, completely unaware that I obviously didn't leave the house while he slept to go shopping. I am sure he means nothing evil by this, but if I am really stressed, then that really can set me off on a massive rant.

No, can't afford a Roomba, unfortunately. I recently worked on their Scandinavian campaign, actually (I'm a translator), and it so sent me off dreaming about one ;)

OK, I best stop slagging him off, I have parted with so much information that anyone who knew him would know it was him in this thread...

[antimatter]

Sorry to be blunt but when I wash pots and pans I don't look a them - I do everything feeling for specks of dirt under my fingers and using sponge or more likely scourer ro clean them.

(I wear glasses and having very high astigmatism I can't see 20/20 wearing them anyway so I could take my glasses off and won't be able to see much)

Besides you could build up full set of crockery, cutlery and pans so that they go into dishwasher. Just soak and 1-2 lots of stuff goes into the dishwasher.

I am sure he could peel potatoes and vegetables, clean a bath, fold clothes from drying line, etc... Does he do that?

I feel you stepped in and took over many duties where your dh could learn to do it.

How about Roomba for hovering?

[misscph1973]

OK, thanks, George.

[Georgethesecond]

PIP is the replacement for DLA for new claims, yes. So your DH will stay on DLA until the government switch everyone over, unless he misses a renewal form deadline. To make a new claim it is only possible to claim PIP.

[misscph1973]

Hi Walking. Yes, I believe DH does understand it. We have not made any specific agreements but just realising it has been a massive relief for me. I am wary that I will slip back into old habits of just getting on with things, and that he will just let me, but surely it can't get any worse and it will slowly start going in the right direction. I have been doing this for nearly 10 years, so it's not going to change overnight. But I am hopeful ;)

[Walkingwounded]

I remember your original thread. It's good that you recognise that what has been causing a short fuse has been stress and overburden. It's not that you're an inherently angry person.
Does your DH recognise the degree of strain you have been under? How is he planning to support you?

[misscph1973]

Isetan, DH is not completely blind. He has Retinitis Pigmentosa, and he's always had it, and it just gets worse. He does do a lot, I am amazed at what he can do, but obviously he can't drive and housework is a complete waste of time, as he misses so much. He does wash pots and pans quite well. He reads to kids from iPad, the backlight really helps. He takes them out for long walks (they find the way, learns lots). He supervises some of kids chores.

Matildathecat, DH gets DPLA, is that the same as PIP? As far as I can see there is not much point in applying for carers allowance as DH only received middle component of DPLA and that kind of states that he is fairly independent. Took 3 goes to get it over 3 years, it was hard.

We recently lost all tax credits as we now earn too much, and that's fine, but it's hard to get used to not having them anymore.

[Matildathecat]

OP, no need to elaborate on your finances here but two things might help if you don't already have them, PIP and Carers allowance. PIP is definitely not means tested. It's a faff to claim but CAB will help withe the forms.

Then spend the money on help with cleaning and ironing and anything else that will ease your burden.

It's what these benefits exist for. If you haven't already done so, please do look into applying. PIP is obviously paid to your DH but I'm hoping you have a shared approach to money.

Good luck, you sound hideously over burdened.