What is this behaviour and how do I challenge it.

[Iseeall]

I have looked at many posts in relationships but can't find the answer.

I want to be able to challenge dh but I don't understand exactly what it is he is doing, two examples from yesterday.

1. We were in a bakery and dh was ordering, he said to me, conversationally, 'what are you having'. At this point I was still looking at the selection. I then said to dh 'I will have xxx'.. Then dh says 'well tell the man then'

1. we were on the station platform, dh was ahead of me but I wanted to use the Ladies. I asked him to wait a moment, but he just looks at me and said 'don't look so confused, we were on the same platform earlier'

These examples sound trivial when I type them out, but it is something I would like to challenge, because it is fairly constant.

What should I say/do.

I find that checking my phone/bag/watch then eventually giving a blank look and a vague "Hmmm?" works well.

It pisses them off no end if they think you're not actually paying attention to what they say.

"How could he twist that response around to make me seem stupid."

This is no way to live! As others have said, constantly policing what you say and having to plan your responses, however cutting or clever, to your own husband is not a healthy relationship. Even if it makes you feel better in the heat of the moment, it won't make you feel better long term. It won't make him stop doing it.

All these suggestions of play-acting surprise and confusion are pointless. It would be mirroring the behaviour you want him to stop, and what use is that? You'll just both be doing it.

The only course of action, it seems to me, is to sit down and tell him, exactly and in detail, what is upsetting you (and stand your ground - what he's doing is unpleasant, no matter what he says), and what you want to change. Then when he does it next (which he probably will), to say "that's an example of what I don't want to happen." If he keeps doing it after that, then that gives you a clear message about his underlying motives for the behaviour.

The problem with the OP sitting down with her DH and laying out exactly how much he is getting to her is that she is engaging with his behaviour and rewarding him by revealing exactly how much she is upset by it. Picking him up on each instance and saying "That's an example" just opens the way for him to deny it or argue the toss with her.

Developing strategies for ignoring the behaviour is not play-acting or mind games - it is the OP refusing to engage. Refusing to engage limits the reward her DH gets by behaving like this.

If this is just a bad habit he has got into, it may decline on its own if the OP changes the way she responds. If, as I suspect, he is a twat, refusal to engage gives the OP a coping strategy that limits her own emotional upset.

The behaviour you describe is very damaging to you and very difficult to challenge. You can say all the right things in the most effective way but at the end of the day it's him who must be wanting to change. And he doesn't. Not much you can do about that.

Fear and Trembling is a movie about humiliation and how there is no other decent way out of it except to leave. It's about problems at work, rather than in a relationship, but still very relevant to your case.

Talking about it in terms of not 'rewarding' behaviour makes it into some kind of game. It's not a game, it's supposed to be an adult relationship, and if it needs to be played like this then it's not worth it. A person who is rewarded by obvious upset and hurt in others is surely not worth trying to out-game in the first place.

squitchey I agree it is supposed to be an adult relationship. But one party (not the OP) isn't behaving like an adult.

I'm not making suggestions so that the OP can "win", I'm making suggestions so that she can try to take back some control over how much she is upset and hurt on a day to day basis.

And I agree, a spouse who is rewarded by upset and hurt in others is of questionable worth. However the OP sounds like she needs help with some ways to keep or regain her equilibrium when her DH behaves like this.

Once she is feeling stronger and more in control of her emotions (because she isn't quite so much at the mercy of manipulation tactics) she may then feel up to evaluating her marriage more objectively. That is hard to do when you are confused and upset by frequent small incidents.

Sitting him down for a chat is pointless. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing- that's why he's doing it.

Playing the game back and/or telling him to F off etc is pointless- it's no way to live. I know, because I tried it with similar behaviour. It's no way to live and chips away at your soul.

Ask yourself if you even like him as a person. It's not a nice trait is it? It's horrible behaviour and as my lovely friend put it when we were talking about my ex and his behaviour "he's just not being your friend is he?". I realised that he wasn't treating me as if he even liked me. Once I saw that it was the beginning if the end for me.

^^
This.

Your response will need two components, assertion (easy for someone to write on MN) and a plain and reliable response. Maybe something like:

"What's your point? If you've got some criticism then tell my directly and don't speak in code."

[Denial]

"Look, if you've got something to say, speak plainly."

[Counter-attack]

"OK, so you don't want to tell me what your point is/Whatever."

And then, I would bet my house, he'll pull a shocked face/hurt face/ roll his eyes and make out like the op is a drama queen/ mad woman.

Why would you have to engage in bullshit like this with your own husband??? Why? Because he's a twunt.

Ltb. I know it's easier said than done (been there, it's the hardest thing) but honestly- do you want this utter bollocks in your life??

This person is showing contempt for you. He's barely disguising it. I think you should confront it head on.
There have been threads like this before. One poster gave a really good response which I screen dumped. I've attached it here-hope it works.
I commented on that thread that I know s/o who does this to his wife. He pulls faces, makes comments under the breath and also does gaslighting. Eg he says "you're not going out like that?" and she'll say "why?". He'll then just be like "what? What? What are you going on about?" as if she is mental and has imagined it. He never explains himself but she never challenges it. I saved the response to tell her to use it.
I hate it because my dad used to do it-he criticises but if you dare tease him back he acts like a victim or makes out you're over reacting.

Oh, I remember that, Chicken. Yeah, that's perfect.

The issue with all of the suggestions for responses that confront his behaviour is that they just won't work with someone like this. This man has a script in his head with a role assigned to the OP. He has a vested interest in keeping her in that role because it feeds some psychological need of his own - most likely the need to prop up his own ego by making the OP feel small (look up "predatory self-esteem").

He is not going to alter that script willingly and suddenly accept that he is being a dick just because the OP says so - in his head the OP is an inferior person and he doesn't have to listen to her or give her opinions any credence. Any response that the OP gives, any attempt to make him see that his behaviour is unreasonable is likely to be twisted and used against her, because in his script she is the problem, not him.

The only sane "response" is to tell him to fuck right off

I would go with my suggestion initially as it is less confrontational and the OPs H wouldn't carry on like this if she was someone very confident and strong in the first place. Not saying of course OP is insecure, but like a lot of women in relationships like this, too bloody nice! If you are a nice person who only sees the best in people you are an ideal candidate for this type of gaslighting.

If the blanking and 'you are not making sense' doesn't work or it gives her a result and improves her confidence but he still persists, go for the suggestion by Chicken.

I would never ever sit down and explain how much his behaviour upsets me. It's an open invitation to deny, ridicule and further upset the OP. An honest conversation only works if the partner is behaving in an upsetting way and there is no ill intent, just thoughtlessness or immaturity. The H in this case doesn't fall into this category. It's nasty, humiliating, calculating behaviour.

Op have you tried anything yet? It could be that he stops once he realises he is doing it, if not then I think you really have a much bigger problem.

My ex did this, in public, in front of our children. Sigh.

Any concocted response from me was utterly pointless. A 'fuck off dear' would have him hooting at the use of 'dear', or he'd have replied 'oh nasty aren't you?' or 'abusive'.

I am really no good at this type of game and found it frustrating and upsetting. The thing is I never really wanted to master the cutting come-back remark in the first place!

A short term workable response is a simple 'shh.'

Long term, my ex is ex for reasons connected to this sort of horrible, disrespectful behaviour. One great result from leaving the relationship is that our eldest DC had begun to talk to me in a similarly pissy way, copying dad. Now DC1 speaks normally to me and always respectfully.

Proceed with caution, OP.

Dp started behaving like this and I found the only thing that worked was a simple

'What did you say?' Or

Statement - 'please don't speak to me like that'

When put on the spot in a non confrontations way he initially got a bit defensive and stroppy but it's totally stopped now as he realised he had no good explanation or reason for his behaviour.

Zombie thread