What is this behaviour and how do I challenge it.

[Iseeall]

I have looked at many posts in relationships but can't find the answer.

I want to be able to challenge dh but I don't understand exactly what it is he is doing, two examples from yesterday.

1. We were in a bakery and dh was ordering, he said to me, conversationally, 'what are you having'. At this point I was still looking at the selection. I then said to dh 'I will have xxx'.. Then dh says 'well tell the man then'

1. we were on the station platform, dh was ahead of me but I wanted to use the Ladies. I asked him to wait a moment, but he just looks at me and said 'don't look so confused, we were on the same platform earlier'

These examples sound trivial when I type them out, but it is something I would like to challenge, because it is fairly constant.

What should I say/do.

Ex p was like this. Little snide put downs, remarks that made it seem like I was stupid or less intelligent than he was.

I was once invited to a rugby match by the chair of a big club. When we got there ex told anyone in earshot we were only there because I 'fancied one of the players' - not because I've been a rugby fan all my life & had written to the club on a couple of occasions to do with the sport.

Dragging me off a bus step by my collar as I'd dared to get on before a couple of 'older ladies' (they were in their late 40s at most). He'd shake his head & say stuff like 'she'd have no manners if I didn't pull her up like this. She has no respect for her elders & betters'. They looked mortified.

I'd go with a massive sigh then a direct " stop being such a knob"

If he questions what you mean. Tell him he knows EXACTLY!

I think the first one was a bit much. You could have said sharply I'm not a child so please don't speak to me as if I am one. Second point I didn't get at all.

A long time ago now: but when I was in this kind of situation myself, it made me feel in day to day life I was continuously "doing it wrong".

The idea these people were trying to give to me, was I was some sort of "head in the clouds" , moody, incapable, irrational, eccentric, person who could do nothing right.

And further: everyone else (apart from them) was "allegedly" noticing this and staring at my face analysing my (alleged) expressions and continual social faux pas. I was apparently some gibbering idiot who constantly mispronounced words and couldn't get through basic social tasks without needing assistance and coaching.

I was fairly young and took this to heart: I even ended up recording my own voice, as I worried my own speech/social skills weren't up to scratch . I overthought every encounter and became very self-conscious.

But it SO wasn't me: it was the people around me making me think I was deficient in some way.

I suspect it was also intended to isolate me: "you're so weird you're lucky you've got me to tell you what to do - and if you try to meet or talk to new people you won't be able to cope or you'll end up insulting them and they won't like you"

(if you knew what specialist job I do now and the level of confidence/organisation one needs to do it - pretty much the same as I had then, you'd get how ridiculous that perception is and how it really was "them not me")

And even if you didn't want to say it in front of the baker, I'd definately have said it once outside. "Tell the nice man what you want?? I'm not 10, FFS"

Definitely pull him up on it, particularly if he does it in front of other people. In these situations with other folk around he will think you will want to be " polite" and not make a scene. You should disabuse him of that idea. In my experience some men do this to perpetuate the " little air-head woman" syndrome . Some of the great comments suggested on here would also do the trick. Put him on the back foot each time and he will soon stop because he won't know what you are going to say next and won't want to look an idiot. Don't let him get away with it because the next step is him making all the decisions as you are too " stupid/ silly etc. " to be asked your opinion and anyway " you won't understand dearie "...

Thanks for all the replies.
Yes I really do have to pull him up on this. Every time. I will try the 'sorry, what did you say' line.
I'm just not the confrontational type but from your replies I will nip this in the bud.

I'd also be asking myself why he's trying to pull you down like this. Undermining you. I'd be taking a long hard look at him and weighing up how much strings-free fun there is between us.

People who work on pulling you down like this often don't have your best interests at heart, unless it's simply a bad habit he's fallen into. If it is, it needs sorting out quick.

I think people who don't see anything wrong with this are either rude themselves or are used to being spoken to rudely. I would be shocked if my husband said something like this because to me, it is very cutting.

It's like he's intentionally trying to make you feel stupid.

'sorry, what did you say'

Don't say sorry, it will just reinforce his 'correctness' in the the situation. Instead give him this face , and say confidently "What did you say???"

you could say, ''You sounded just like my dad'' !

I'm also thinking about why he's doing this. There's a small chance he just misinterprets situations so you could pull him up on it and see if it gets better.
I'd be more worried that he is doing it deliberately or genuinely thinks you are stupid.
If he's doing it deliberately and you pull him up on it he may get more sneaky.
I'd be really careful.

I'm guessing that if op answers in the ways the pp suggest that her arse of a husband will make out like she's creating problems/being over sensitive/is a moody arse.

It's what my ex would do...be rude and put me down then act like I was a drama queen for pulling him up on it. In the end I shut up- which of course us what he wanted.

:( op I feel for you...this type of twattishness is awful.

If he is doing that only with you, then he is a twat sorry.
By pulling him up on it each time, he might realise that he is clearly going way over acceptable limits. Or he might find other ways to put you down or up the 'attacks'.
It's quite difficult to say like this but either way, you need to respond. If he changes, great. If he doesn't then you will know what to do :(
Personally I would have a mix of bit answering but looking at him as if he was coming from another planet. And a few 'standard' answers along the lines of 'you really don't make sense there'
Be careful nit to engage I to the conversation then 'but why do you think I'm nit mdking sense. Lease explain' because he us likely to then turn it around on you (maybe you have some experience if that already?)

Re your comment:-

"I really do have to pull him up on this. Every time. I will try the 'sorry, what did you say' line.
I'm just not the confrontational type but from your replies I will nip this in the bud".

I have a feeling that what you are going to try will not work at all and you need to reply differently. Saying, "sorry what did you say?" could well give you a, "well are you hard of hearing as well now" type response and never say the word sorry to such people because it sounds like an apology. In the heat of the moment could you actually come out with a response anyway given that you have not been able to do so to date?.

He could well change tack and become even more sneaky. He knows full well that you have not confronted him before now so I doubt that any reply at all will nip this in the bud sharpish. His behaviour as well seems entrenched and perhaps even learnt from childhood (his parents may have behaved similarly). Such men do not change.

I think he is doing this deliberately to undermine you as a person and to big himself up due to his own inadequacies.

You do not want your children thinking his behaviour towards you is at all normal. Consider carefully how he behaves towards you in your own home.

To me it shows he has no respect for you and thinks you are beneath him. Do you work?

At a guess I would say that he is the main earner, in a decent position at work and is used to being in control and showing seniority through small put downs.

It's very difficult to advise how you handle it as I would have gone batshit-crazy eons ago.

I would forget any pithy comebacks and instead sit him down and tell him what he does and how it makes you feel. If he gaslights and says it's all in your head, tell him that every time he puts you down in conversation you will cease to continue the conversation with him, and then stick to it.

I am the queen of silence when incensed so that line of attack would come exceptionally easily to me, perhaps not to you. But if my partner talked to me like a child on a regular basis he would get very little in return and I would wait for the apology until I resumed normal conversation again.

Oh and in osychogy they would say that he acts like a 'parent' and expect you to act as the 'child'. The best way to tackle it wo any aggressity is to act as an 'adult' and answer to him as such. Think about what you would say to someone else talking to you like this. What would be your time of voice, facial expression etc? That's where you need to be with him.

The incident on the station platform - - he was suggesting to the OP that she looked confused and that this was because she didn't know where she was and had lost her bearings.

By doing this he implied that

1. she is prone to confusion
2. he expects her to "forget" where she is and be disorientated (suggesting that she often does this)
3. he needs to be there to guide her because she is incapable of looking after herself

It isn't even that subtle, it's obviously nasty and designed to make the OP feel stupid and doubt herself.

Can't believe how many people fail to see a problem with this.

My exH was like this...usually in front of other people... little digs designed to make me look a bit silly/stupid. At first I used to wait and pull him up on it afterwards but it often turned into an argument and became a recurring theme that as soon as people had left/we'd got home from the pub he'd turn to me with a sigh and say 'right, what did I do this time?' .... After a while I took the path of least resistance and started ignoring it, but that wasn't great and really

No real advice as Ive never been in this situation, but I think id be inclined to play him at his own game for a bit taste of his own medicine and all that I know maybe a bit childish but he needs to know how hes making you feel and confronting him sounds like he may just turn the tables on you

gah, posted too soon! When I ignored it, it just ended up denting my confidence.

More recently I started challenging it- either with a 'I don't know what you mean, what exactly are you trying to say', or if it was something a bit mean I'd say a very sarcastic 'oh thank you so much, what a lovely thing to say'- this particularly worked in front of other people- it left him looking a bit stupid when he tried to say I should 'take a joke'.

Unsurprisingly, I found out 6 months ago he was having an affair and he left. Now that I have recently started seeing someone who treats me with respect and like an equal, I can't believe I put up with it for so long.

He is making you out to be a helpless inadequate so that he can feel superior to you.

There isn't an easy way to challenge this sort of behaviour, because it is likely that anything you do or say will be twisted in order to fit his "script" that you are the inferior/difficult/problem one.

So if you stop a conversation because he makes one of his digs, it is likely you will be accused of sulking.

If you try to play him at his own game and make similar remarks back to him he will accuse you of being difficult/moody/hormonal, or he will subtly twist what you have said into an unfair accusation on your part and play the victim

If you call him on his behaviour and say something like "That was a very patronising remark. I am perfectly capable of finding my own way down the platform.", he will gaslight you and say he didn't mean it like that, or that you can't take a joke.

He has an entrenched opinion of you in his head which rewards him because it makes him feel better about himself. He is not going to give that reward up easily.

Dealing with his comments is like putting a band aid on a broken arm - it might make you feel a little bit better, but will do fuck all good.

You need to LTB get to the bottom of WHY he is treating you like this. It's nasty.

Hmm it's quite subtle isn't it but I totally get it and have been on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour myself.

It makes you feel uncomfortable and as if you can't do anything right. I felt as if everything I did completely irritated my partner when I know I am a completely normal person who gets on with everyone else perfectly fine.

It is to undermine you. The comment from a pp which asks do you work didn't apply in my case. I had a senior job, he chose not to work at all but he always tried to belittle me or undermine any success I had.

I ask myself why did I have a partner who acted as if he disliked me and treated me worse day to day than the next door neighbour or the bloke down the road.

I do think you should make a stand. You might not be up for the arguing but the alternative is being afraid to speak or be yourself, constantly on egg shells. It is awful for your self-esteem.