What is this behaviour and how do I challenge it.

[Iseeall]

I have looked at many posts in relationships but can't find the answer.

I want to be able to challenge dh but I don't understand exactly what it is he is doing, two examples from yesterday.

1. We were in a bakery and dh was ordering, he said to me, conversationally, 'what are you having'. At this point I was still looking at the selection. I then said to dh 'I will have xxx'.. Then dh says 'well tell the man then'

1. we were on the station platform, dh was ahead of me but I wanted to use the Ladies. I asked him to wait a moment, but he just looks at me and said 'don't look so confused, we were on the same platform earlier'

These examples sound trivial when I type them out, but it is something I would like to challenge, because it is fairly constant.

What should I say/do.

I'm surprised that some can't see the problem here. The fact the is is only like this with you suggests that it is deliberate, rather than just an annoying habit.
I agree that questioning him on each occasion may not be helpful.
It might be a good time to have a long careful look at the rest of your relationship.
I'm sorry I don't have any more useful advice. this behaviour sounds difficult to deal with & you have my sympathies.

I suspect that this is the tip of the iceberg, isee. What else makes you uncomfortable?

The reason that some can't see the problem is that he's doing this in a weaselly way, not directly saying that Iseeall is confused, childish and relegated to the role of tea lady in her own house, but instead implying it indirectly. It is this indirectness that makes it so hard for you to respond, isn't it, Iseeall? He can easily say that you're imagining it, he didn't mean it, it's you being nasty by nagging - and it does take a while to work out what has just happened; that's not a fault of yours.

Ugh, "tell the man then". Not sure there is a cure for that attitude.
Maybe avoid the nasty nag accusations by not making it an argument about specific incidents. Instead maybe generally talk about how he sees a woman's role, whether or not he sees you as an equal or a dependent; if he asks where it's coming from, just say you read an article in the paper or something and were interested in his views! But it might give you something you could refer back to later ("Remember how we were talking about being equals the other day? For a moment there you sounded like you'd changed your mind!")

What about " Who the fuck ( hell) do you think your talking to " ? LOUDLY.
I have done that in the past ( not dh) .

"Did you mean to be so rude?"
would have worked in those 3 examples, and would make him aware of it.

If he IS being rude, it will give him pause for thought/ make him have to explain himself further.
If he isn't trying to be rude, it will help you both see that maybe you have a thinner skin than him, and he needs to reformulate his way of commenting.

How long has he been like this? Does he bully you in any other ways? Is he always right?

I had a bad experience with a boyfriend like this, and the constant, tiny wrong footing me was just a part of a bigger picture of emotional abuse that I didn't even fully grasp until years after the fact.

How about saying "do you realise that if you carry on talking to me like that, our marriage won't last much longer"?
I think he knows exactly what he is doing - trying to keep you in your place, which is way below his...
Good luck, OP.

wow my ex did exactly the same to me - infact the bakery example is pretty much word for word! we were in the bakery, he asked me what I fancied and I said "think I might just go for " and he said "well ... tell the lady then ... " like I was 5 years old.

Like you've said there were a few examples. I think it's a superiority complex brought on by their feelings of inadequacy. A lack of confidence perhaps that makes them feel like they need to be "the big man" because inside, they feel pretty small and useless.

bitter memories

Crikey, reminds me of my Dad especially the bakery conversation. I find it impossible to not feel like a total idiot in those sort of situations. Totally unnecessary as I am a fairly intelligent human being. It has definitely left scars as I still doubt myself.

I'm not sure what the solution is. My Mum used to tell me to not answer back to keep the peace. Although I love him my Dad was a difficult person. I'm not sure I could be bothered to live with someone like that now. I doubt he will improve. My Dad was always right.

The more I think about this, the more I'm sure that you can't win with him. However you respond will be turned against you somehow.

Thanks for all the replies.
It is sad to see that i'm not alone in experiencing this behaviour. As others have said, it is so very subtle you don't realise it is happening to begin with.
It is something that can be done in public, in social situations and friends/family would not pick up on or laugh off as a joke.

I take on board comments that I should not prefix any talk about this with 'sorry' . Will think of a way to challenge every comment if I can.

As for dh answering out of context, how does this sound for a response.
'dh did you not understand what I said, are you ok?..(and repeat question/request)

What reply could he come up with. How could he twist that response around to make me seem stupid.

So your aim during conversations is not to say something he can use to make you look stupid. That's not a very nice situation, is it?

Tying yourself up in knots trying to predict his boring little comments is a waste of your time. Teach yourself not to care about anything he says because if you're going to put up with this for the rest of your life you'll waste a lot of energy that could be better spent on actually enjoying your life.
Relationships are meant to be fun, and enhance your life. That's the only point of them.

I'm very ashamed to say that I have treated someone like this before. It comes from a place of contempt and is designed to be subtle enough so that if you are picked up on it you can legitimately say 'why are you making such a fuss over something so small '.
Not being aware that you are doing it is no excuse at all.
If you know each other well then on some level he knows exactly what he is doing and that is unacceptable.

Is your DH a teacher OP?
I used to teach and many, many teachers I knew would talk to other adults like this; like they were their pupils.
They would also mimic bullying and childish behaviour that had become 'normal' to them from seeing it in the classroom everyday.

This is definitely a technique to make you doubt yourself, confuse you, make you think you weren't being clear enough. It's patronising, belittling, stealth emotional abuse.

Be careful with challenging him on everything especially in a 'what do you mean by that?' way. I think people like him are very adept at tying less manipulative people in knots and doing it very very easily. Especially if it's in public. It will make you appear confrontational and rude and maybe what he is trying to provoke. Make himself look like a martyr to a gobby woman.

Personally I would just ignore him and be 'busy' with my bag/phone/ rummaging in my pocket etc! Pretend I didn't hear what he said and when he repeats it (having given myself some breathing space) look puzzled and say 'you are not making sense'. Put it back on him. It's what he is doing to you. He will no doubt repeat himself so just repeat it yourself and say again, no, that's doesn't make sense as eg 'I know precisely what platform I am on!'

You are not so much challenging him on everything and pulling him up but you are making him look a fool which is what he is doing to you.

wheredoallthecalculatorsgo Very interesting. Dh is not a teacher but his job does entail lecturing to adults. I know he sometimes will make fun of someone/something in that 'jokey' way.

pinkroseI agree totally with what you say about challenging him I know i'll appear like a crazy lady who can't take a joke.

I must come up with some stock phrases to pull him up and make him think rather than outright confrontation. As many posters have said, confronting outright will just be twisted and turned right back at me.

I'm finding many helpful comments from you all. Thanks

The nip it in the bud boat has long sailed.

In the short term, look him in the face and chuckle and then ignore him, don't say a word to him (don't give him the satisfaction of looking hurt or confused). Medium term, the dynamics are off in your relationship and you're going to have to challenge his behaviour and have a serious look at your boundaries. Long term, reconsider your attachment to this arse.

Conflict is a part of life and unfortunately there are some (your husband included) who see your conflict avoidance as license to treat you disrespectfully.

This is malicious. He wants to humiliate you. You can't allow him to treat you as if you were mentally unwell or a child, to begin with. And then you should question what you are doing with someone who seems to despise you.

You won't feel better or more confident about yourself till you get away from this chap.

He is unpleasant and playing power games his own wife. You definitely deserve better.

You may find some value in the book 'the verbally abusive relationship' by Patricia Evans.

Is he ever lovely to you? Kind and considerate?

Is there a pattern to his behaviour?

I agree with Pinkrose.

I would try to ignore it (rummaging in the bag technique etc). Treat him like a toddler. If he is trying to get a reaction out of you to make you appear 'mad' - don't give him that satisfaction. And I also agree with the pause that this then gives you - to be able to think about what response you may give if he continues to be an arse!

Nasty man!

I think the stock phrase 'Oh Do Fuck Off Dear' would suit as a response to anything he says that puts you down or makes you feel crappy!
Then follow through!