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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cheating husband with thai women

69 replies

livingaboard · 12/09/2014 17:38

Hi there. I live abroad with 1 child. We have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and lived most of our life abroad.

My DH (darling husband)?! might change that to CH (Cheating Husband for this post) job means he travels often. He started a new business last year and its been a bit tough money wise. I am a mum on my own most of the time.

I have just found out that CH has had 2 affairs with 2 thai women. The 1st was sex not girlfriend I think. The 2nd is now I think his girlfriend. He pays for her flights from and to bangkok to other islands where we has work. They stay in nice resort hotels, I have seen photos of them out at lunch with other people I have met, friends of his. I know he has lied to her about what job he does, I dont think she knows about me or our son.

I am devastated of course, but have spent the last month gathering evidence and financial records. Found his and her facebook pages, she is pretty, very young, I know where she works and what she does for a job. I have both of the ladys email addresses.

Basically my post is how do I approach the Big show down? I have decided to tell him a day before he flies out again, as I want him to think and sweat. I am scared of D day. He is in control of money, property and is emotionally controlling and can be a bully.

He has lied a lot, I have found many lies and have copies of these lies. I have been speaking with many lawyers, my life will change completely as I will probably be left with not a lot. My friends are around everyday to support me. I am lucky to have them.

I have not told my family as I am very humiliated and they will be very upset. I have not even cried yet, I am trying to be factual, have a list of questions etc on paper that I have written with a friend to keep my on track and will try hard not to be emotional. He is having a midlife crises, loosing weight, listening to clubbing music all the time, texting constantly, is completely addicted to his ph and computer. We have been having a tough time, but never thought in a million years that he would cheat as he has always been so strong on the loyalty thing.

Your thoughts...
Ps; truely amazed how many posts on cheating there is on mumsnet, didnt know it was an epidemic!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/09/2014 17:42

What do you want the outcome to be?

You say you've collected all of the paperwork you need. I hope you mean evidence of, say, joint finances rather than lies caught out.

Vivacia · 12/09/2014 17:42

Also, don't be humiliated. The shame is his. You've focused on the practical, but also get your emotional support in place. Tell people.

PenisesAreNotPink · 12/09/2014 17:46

Can't you not tell him? He might not go on the trip and stay to bully you?

Leave once he's gone ? Or are you planning to stay in the house?

What makes you think that there won't be any money for you? Is he hiding it? Will move to Thailand to avoid paying you?

Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 17:48

I have a heap of paperwork re finances, offshore bank accounts, we only have 1 shared account. He is hiding money, I have some record of this. Property is in his name, but is our family home. I have copied everything I can find, lawyer says I have done a good job.

I dont want to divorce, they thought of being a single mother aboard scares the crap out of me. I want honesty and seperation with a view of saving this marriage. But I think he will want to leave me. Crazy as I dont like him, but still love him. Is that nuts or what!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/09/2014 17:49

So what's your exit plan? Escape to family? Ask him to leave and separate? Serve divorce papers?

Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 17:50

The rules here are, I can live in the house for up to 2 years and he has to pay for it. I am not moving, he can leave and find out how hard it is to live with out his family. Im staying put for now.

If he has work booked, he will leave, so no probs there. I want to give him a couple of weeks for him to think and think hard.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 12/09/2014 17:52

What if he refuses to leave, as can happen here in the UK?

I think you're absolutely right to make him experience what he has to lose.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2014 17:57

Have you got an STI check ?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 12/09/2014 18:20

What would happen to you financially if he fucked off to Thailand and stopped your access to any money?

Vivacia · 12/09/2014 18:25

What has your lawyer advised?

myfriendflickadee · 12/09/2014 19:05

Are you a British citizen? You can still get divorced in the UK courts even if you are currently living abroad and even if you married abroad, if you meet certain criteria. You don't even have to come to the UK for proceedings, it can be done in your absence.

You may have find you have greater rights if you divorce in the UK, particularly financially.

lavenderhoney · 12/09/2014 19:11

Do you want him back? It doesn't sound it tbh. Where are you living? Which country? If he refused to pay you what would you do? Don't assume he will. It may cost a fortune to chase him through the courtsc.

Do you want to stay there, work there, educate your ds there, find a new partner one day there etc etc? If not, then be extremely careful how you go about things. With your dh living nearby with his new gf. Or a stream of them.

Find out if he can refuse to allow you to leave or have full custody before you do anything. Start to stash away money, perhaps invent having to lend your parents a lump sum. He seems to have plenty of spare cash. You need it, even if you do decide to stay.

Contact an expat lawyer and do as much research as you can on expat forums.

And AF is right, you do need to have an sti check up. And then no sex or anything so a " urinary infection" is a good excuse.

You need a lot more info just at a time when you can't think straight. Keep calm, and I should think he knows you know, if its all over social media. Unless he is pretending he is networking.

Its not you its him. Do tell close family though. Its a listening ear in rl, which keeps it real for you.

Anniemannie · 12/09/2014 19:14

Oh god you poor thing. I think your clearheadedness here is admirable, and your OH is a blinkered twat.

lavenderhoney · 12/09/2014 19:15

If you do decide to tell him, make sure he leaves then and there. And nc for two weeks. Be aware he will use that time to see a lawyer and find out his rights.

Its is more beneficial to you financially and custody wise, I expect to divorce in the UK. You must file before him otherwise the country laws where he files are used. Be very very careful.

I know a good lawyer used to this kind of thing. If you want his email pm me.

Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:27

We havent had sex in a year. ive tried many times to bring our relationship back on track.

I live in france, have contacted a uk lawyer who says i have no rights as a uk citizen as I live in france.

I dont know what to do if he refused to leave. i think he will be so horrified I know that he will.

i have a french lawyer. I am finding out my rights re property with a lawyer in nz as we were married there. french lawyer says i dont have any rights to the home as it is under his name. but i am looking into nz law. Still waiting to hear from her about this.

My ds is so in love with his father, it is why i have not mentioned anything yet. am on anti depression and stress meds to help with the anxiety and stress. have diarrhea most days from the anxiety. exercising and looking really good i have to say from it. I am a slim attractive women, so dont now why he dosent fancy me anymore. I think he looks at my like his best friends and mother but not a women, love anymore.

He has said in the past that he is unhappy and I have mentioned counselling and I still support him with his work. we text all the time. Our conversation is work, ds and the news.... I want him to know I know before he carries on further into this new relationship. I have a good friend who is a psycologist, so talking to her helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:29

I have savings, have moved money to accounts he does not know about. Not a lot but enough to pay for lawyers.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:35

I want my family back. I want my husband back. though will dont know if this will be possible. I understand a crises has happened to him. I believe in marriage ups and down and take my vows seriously.

I cant tell my immediate family as if we work it out they will never see him again. the trust will be broken forever. I have to see what his reaction is first.

he might be so shocked he will want to stay and work at it. or he might say no i dont want this anymore. i dont know

OP posts:
deste · 12/09/2014 19:35

Friends DB married a Thai girl so lived in Thailand. Your DH probably won't be the only one giving her money. She will have a few on the go at once.

foxinthebox · 12/09/2014 19:40

NZ divorce law is shocking. Your absolute best bet is not to petition there.

Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:40

I dont blame the women as he is lying to them to. I blame him. Loyalty is so huge for him, so i dont know why he has done this to us.

Its been difficult since we had ds as i had pnd after the birth and was undiagnosed for 1.5 years until i saw my sister in law who told me to see a dr. dr put me on meds for 9 months and i was good again.

I think he lost his status as number 1 with me and felt he lost his wife during that difficult time.

I am strong and have not lost my self esteem. I just dont know if I stay here or go home or try to make a life here. no family here, good friends though. I really want ds to have a bi lingual education, he is speaking french so well now and really likes school. My life here is good. I dont now if I could return back to start a new life as I have been away for so long now

OP posts:
Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:43

Im still waiting to hear from nz lawyer if being married in nz means I have rights to property here. as the notaire here has stated on our property that i do not, which I think is incorrect. My next step is to wait to hear from nz lawyer about this and approach the notaire here to challenge the property law she wrote in the deed.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:47

nz law is you must be seperated for 2 years before you can file for divorce. In france you can file when you want. they look after the impoverished spouse and family here. I would be a lump sum and allamony for child until he is 18. but I want half of the property so I can buy another one for us to live in. If I dont get that then I will have to move back. It is easier for me to work in an english speaking country and I will have family to help me with childcare while I work.

I will be back to square one! Not so great when you gave up your family, country and job to be with OH 15 year ago. Raising a child on my own.

Devasted my beautiful ds will be in the middle of this. he is such a beautiful child. and my main priority.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:49

girlfriend is thai, young, a bar tender in a hotel, she has no idea. I almost feel sorry for her. Its not her fault, she is much a victim as I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
livingaboard · 12/09/2014 19:51

I am talking on this post as I have not found another source of support online. I have looked many times, there is nothing to find that would help me. All my family are british and live between england and nz. I lived and worked in the uk for years, so know the system. My family in the uk are supportive. If my immediate family new they would want to kill him.

OP posts:
foxinthebox · 12/09/2014 20:04

Not only that but maintenance is 0 and child support is capped in NZ. Any legal link to the uk should be explored.