cheating husband with thai women

[livingaboard]

Hi there. I live abroad with 1 child. We have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and lived most of our life abroad.

My DH (darling husband)?! might change that to CH (Cheating Husband for this post) job means he travels often. He started a new business last year and its been a bit tough money wise. I am a mum on my own most of the time.

I have just found out that CH has had 2 affairs with 2 thai women. The 1st was sex not girlfriend I think. The 2nd is now I think his girlfriend. He pays for her flights from and to bangkok to other islands where we has work. They stay in nice resort hotels, I have seen photos of them out at lunch with other people I have met, friends of his. I know he has lied to her about what job he does, I dont think she knows about me or our son.

I am devastated of course, but have spent the last month gathering evidence and financial records. Found his and her facebook pages, she is pretty, very young, I know where she works and what she does for a job. I have both of the ladys email addresses.

Basically my post is how do I approach the Big show down? I have decided to tell him a day before he flies out again, as I want him to think and sweat. I am scared of D day. He is in control of money, property and is emotionally controlling and can be a bully.

He has lied a lot, I have found many lies and have copies of these lies. I have been speaking with many lawyers, my life will change completely as I will probably be left with not a lot. My friends are around everyday to support me. I am lucky to have them.

I have not told my family as I am very humiliated and they will be very upset. I have not even cried yet, I am trying to be factual, have a list of questions etc on paper that I have written with a friend to keep my on track and will try hard not to be emotional. He is having a midlife crises, loosing weight, listening to clubbing music all the time, texting constantly, is completely addicted to his ph and computer. We have been having a tough time, but never thought in a million years that he would cheat as he has always been so strong on the loyalty thing.

Your thoughts...
Ps; truely amazed how many posts on cheating there is on mumsnet, didnt know it was an epidemic!

Could we have any more racist, homophobic posts on this thread, perhaps?

Sorry. Hugs.

Livingabroad- I don't mean this to offend you, but I find it genuinely sad that after blatantly pissing all over your wedding vows, not to mention any form of respect for you, you are leaving the decision on whether the marriage continues or not, to him.

What are you deciding in all this? Deciding to tell him you know and then sit pretty waiting for him to decide what to do? What if he says that he wants to work on things and then goes off and fucks another woman whilst away on business?

for what it's worth a family friend was married to a guy a bit like your husband. Turned out he was actually a bigamist and had another wife in Thailand by the time she actually confronted him about it. He summarily dumped her (the non Thai wife) and shacked up with his young foreign bride.

I have seen this on line by the way, which might help you if you divorce on grounds of adultery.

Consequences of adultery on divorce?

Article 212 of the French Civil Code states that spouses pledge mutual fidelity, help and assistance. Although the duty of fidelity is not defined, legal precedent shows that this is based equally on physical and moral fidelity.

Adultery thus occurs not only in cases of physical relations between one spouse and a third-party, but also in the event of intimate relations, even in the absence of consummation.

Adultery unquestionably constitutes a fault under the terms of article 242 of the French Civil Code and can result in petition for divorce against the offending partner for a fault.

However, adultery can also be punished in terms of civil responsibility. Financial retribution may be obtained from the offending partner in favour of the victim, who can thus sue for damages and interest.

Since the obligation of marital fidelity is public, it is impossible for spouses to renege on this obligation.

Spouses remain bound by their obligation, even during the divorce procedure. Until divorce has actually been pronounced, adultery may still be deemed to occur.

I'm also pretty sure that most off shore accounts are illegal - you could do him for fraud as well.

Sorry for the numerous posts. Not intended as spamming.

I think you are so strong.
One thing I am worried about though is if you give him the chance to "think" then he could let you think he is working on it while hiding yet more money/information/taking your child, while you are lulled into a false sense of security

I've heard of this a lot, men 'working' in thailand with thai wifes/girlfriends that their unsuspecting wife back in the UK doesnt know about. They are definitely not the only man these women have too. Half the time they are financing the thai woman's whole family and thai husband.

You take your vows seriously, but he doesn't. He's a controlling, abusive bully who has cheated twice that you know of - if he works in the far east I guarantee that fucking local women, probably sex workers, is his favourite hobby. (Not because he works in the far east before anyone misunderstands, but because he is a cheat who works in the Far East)
I'm very sorry to say but you really don't have a marriage to save. He keeps you at home because you're convenient to have there while he jets off spending family money on other women, being a bully and pushing you around when he is with you, oh and withholding sex. He's no prize. I get that life as a LP especially abroad will be tough but no worse than this special kind of hell you are currently living. You would never trust him again would you?

Hi, thanks for the posts. I dont know why I am not more angry, why i havent cried, why im being so reasonable. I no I am scared of him financially cutting us off, the damage us splitting up will do to our ds, who is my main priority, joy and life. It seems I have put my wants, needs and emotion on the back burner, like im willing to sacrifice a certain amount to keep the family together. I know I will never trust him again. We worked together for 10 years before ds and we are a very good working team, he knows this to. I dont know if this is a midlife crises or what it is really. I really dont know what the best thing is to do. At a bit of a loss. Need to face him with it, but at the same time scared of changing our daily lives forever. Scared of what he will do.

Check with lawyer about foreign offshore accounts. Noone can touch them, but I have photocopied every piece of financial docs I can find, including all his cards. Offshore bank accounts are not fraud, they are legal. I can threaten to show them to the fiscal tax office here, as we pay tax on a certain amount. That is all I can do. Threats to get what I want. I have all passports hidden, all jewelery hidden, all evidence at a friends house. I look for evidence every few days, everytime he leaves the house I check stuff, im like a detective, doing this makes me fell ill as its so against my nature. The lawyer says i have found enough already.

I just cant seem to get in my head that he will not be in our lives anymore, he has been in my life for so long and I think I still love him. crazy as that sounds.

I would defo divorce 'en fault' which includes adultery. I have been explained all the way of divorcing in france, there are many.

he's living a double life. He's not your husband anymore, you're sharing him with another woman, maybe more than one. Sorry, what a shit thing to go through.

It's a kind of shock really. Your brain can't really take it in as it's such a massive betrayal. You will start to feel angry though, and disgusted with him. Staying for the children is just such a mistake. Modelling a relationship based on disgust, lack of respect and no love isn't good for kids.

I am so sorry this is happening to you Livingabroad. I think you are still reeling and in shock. You will become angry at some point. I think that will help you. You sound like a very kind person. Your concern for the women involved is admirable but, I think, sadly misplaced.

I have lived in Thailand. I saw many 'happily' married men do this kind of thing. These men are despicable and you don't want one for a life partner. The fact that he has withdrawn sexually from you is so cruel but now you know why. Please tell some more people. Do not keep his disgusting behaviour secret. And do consider sti tests.

You sound very intelligent and your actions surrounding paperwork are brilliant. I have no advice re the legalities. Maybe post on the legal board on here? I know you are scared but try very hard to not reveal the extent of this to your husband. He is a pig. Lots of luck.

Off shore accounts aren't illegal- many expats have them.

Your issue will be they don't come under jurisdiction or will be harder to force maintenance. You need a shit hot lawyer.

I also think you can divorce in the UK even though you aren't resident and didn't get married here. You need to check with a UK lawyer and I pm'd you one of the best around. He also has a forum you can post on.

You power is your ds. File first in the country which benefits YOU wrt divorce and look at reunite website for advice.

Thailand is outside European jurisdiction to force payment of maintenance so start squirrelling away lump sums. Don't mess about- big ones. Make something up if you have to as I suggested.

Good to stay calm, keep a diary of his behaviour every day, and its very harsh I know, but staying for your ds isn't the best thing. As he gets older and looks on Facebook, realises his pop is away not so much for work but for other women.. Better to get away from this influence and start afresh. You're doing it alone anyway, aren't you?

Why don't you try to get house in both names. Play the long game. Say you love him. Then divorce.

You have to divorce in the country you are domiciled in, or you husband is domiciled in.

We didn't marry in the UK but a third country. Juridiction is key - in the race for filing, you can choose to divorce his domicile or yours.

Thankfully, my husband stupidly decided to divorce me domiciled here (he won the race), not where his STBW is.

I thank my lucky stars every day.

I can't advise you on French law. Should you wish to return to the UK, you need to live here for a year and a day before you can claim 'domicile'.

Just so you know.

I know you think loyalty is a big thing for him but it seems to me that means everyone else's loyalty to him. As in you, the loyal wife. He can do as he pleases and you will remain the loyal wife. And as long as he keeps telling you how important loyalty is and how loyal you are that keeps you in line.

You say your family is split between UK and NZ, are you British? If so, if I were in your shoes I would get myself and DS back to UK and proceed from there. At least visit family and while there get some legal advice from a UK lawyer.

You say he's going away again. Say nothing till he's gone. Hang fire, make a tactical retreat.

Whilst he is away you should go into battle mode, see a solicitor, find out what your rights are. Get the locks changed or find somewhere new to live. Make sure you get access to all the paperwork regarding his income, savings and properties. Make copies, but them somewhere safe so he can't diddle you in the divorce. Ideally at a friend or relatives place he has no access to.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He's not only cheating on you he is exploiting these other women too, which is sickening.

But please, please, please don't tell him before he goes away. Wait until he's gone so you can get your house in order, find out exactly what your rights are and what you're entitled to and make sure you are somewhere safe. Then tell him on his last day away. File the divorce papers and be done with it.

But the time he is away provides you with a golden opportunity to make sure everything is done in your favour, you are prepared and are in a position to walk away from this with the maximum amount of security.

You need a lawyer to answer the uk question. Do you have property there? Did you ever live there together? Are either passports British? My girlfriend lived with her husband in the cayman but divorced through the uk.

You are right, I have to divorce where I am domiciled which is France. I am a british citizen but have not lived in the uk for 15 years. I have immediate family in the uk. We have no property there.

I have got all the paperwork sorted, well as much as i can find, I have seen 2 lawyers in fr, 1 in the uk and 1 in nz. So know my rights here. The worst thing to do is leave the family home, as here it is my right to live here for up to 2 years and he has to pay the mortgage.

It is illegal to change the locks. I have hidden passports, jewellery. All my bank records, passwords, cards etc. There is nothing at home for him to find.

I am going to face him just before he leaves for business again/triest with girlfriend, whatever you call it. I want him to sweat. I am planning on a friend request to his girfriends facebook page, so she will see me and our family photos. That will put the cat amoungst the pigeons.

I do have a inside door locks, so while I am in the house he cannot get it.

Why give him the heads up before he leaves so that he can plan his next move without you?

I would do it as he arrives back. Get him guilty and see what comes up.

The girlfriend really won't give a fuck about your family photos. If she thinks you are upset then that means possible divorce and a man free to marry.

I have famiy 'experience'.