cheating husband with thai women

[livingaboard]

Hi there. I live abroad with 1 child. We have been together for 15 years, married for 9 and lived most of our life abroad.

My DH (darling husband)?! might change that to CH (Cheating Husband for this post) job means he travels often. He started a new business last year and its been a bit tough money wise. I am a mum on my own most of the time.

I have just found out that CH has had 2 affairs with 2 thai women. The 1st was sex not girlfriend I think. The 2nd is now I think his girlfriend. He pays for her flights from and to bangkok to other islands where we has work. They stay in nice resort hotels, I have seen photos of them out at lunch with other people I have met, friends of his. I know he has lied to her about what job he does, I dont think she knows about me or our son.

I am devastated of course, but have spent the last month gathering evidence and financial records. Found his and her facebook pages, she is pretty, very young, I know where she works and what she does for a job. I have both of the ladys email addresses.

Basically my post is how do I approach the Big show down? I have decided to tell him a day before he flies out again, as I want him to think and sweat. I am scared of D day. He is in control of money, property and is emotionally controlling and can be a bully.

He has lied a lot, I have found many lies and have copies of these lies. I have been speaking with many lawyers, my life will change completely as I will probably be left with not a lot. My friends are around everyday to support me. I am lucky to have them.

I have not told my family as I am very humiliated and they will be very upset. I have not even cried yet, I am trying to be factual, have a list of questions etc on paper that I have written with a friend to keep my on track and will try hard not to be emotional. He is having a midlife crises, loosing weight, listening to clubbing music all the time, texting constantly, is completely addicted to his ph and computer. We have been having a tough time, but never thought in a million years that he would cheat as he has always been so strong on the loyalty thing.

Your thoughts...
Ps; truely amazed how many posts on cheating there is on mumsnet, didnt know it was an epidemic!

Don't do the Facebook thing, please. Keel your dignity.

Keep

I agree the girlfriend won't be put off by feelings of guilt over breaking up a family. When economics are at play, ie highflying wealthy business man, pesky emotions like guilt don't get a look in. I''ve seen it here. I know a university educated woman, decent self respecting person by all accounts, who is proud of the fact that she got her rich husband away the woman he was married to when they met.

Yep, I've had it too. exDP leading a double life while working away, with a Russian woman. She knew about me and didn't give a shit. She certainy didn't feel guilty and has used every opportunity since to rub my nose in it.

As a matter of fact she often used Facebook to do it and it ony made her look pathetic so please don't do the FB thing. Keep your dignity.

Ok I hear you. He has told her he is a pilot!? I am resort reservations with him signing his name as a private plane pilot for some rich block..... So that means he is lying to her. I dont think she has a clue about me.

When I face him I want him out of the house the next day. I want him out of the country. I want him to sweat and worry and stress the whole time he is away. Will be harder for him to organise anything out of the country. And to be honest I think he has hidden everything anyhow. I have what I have and im sure thats going to be it. The only other thing I am going to try and get hold of is the internet banking statement of one of his offshore bank accounts. you need a key to receive the code and I know where that is. I am just waiting for him to leave his work bag at home.

I have half a metre hight worth of paperwork so far.

I also need to wait for him to get new business contract signed so I can try and copy that also he owes me 4k for last mortgage payment. He said he couldnt get the money there in time, blah blah blah.

dont worry ill get it somehow. I have whats app record of him telling me he will pay me back. In france you get a balif to read you phone and sign and stamp printed copy for you to take to the judge to prove it is true what is on your phone. handy.

Im lucky to have very experienced smart sassy french divorced friends... I have a big advantage with that. I also speak french way better than husband.

Has your lawyer got a forensic accountant? Or can you find one?

It's difficult to trace offshore stuff, if someone's determined to hide it, but that would help.

An other thing....
He has started a new business since the start of the year, it is all about to kick of with 2 new big contracts, shall i wait until the business is successful. I think I might have to ask my lawyer that question. Since the business is offshore.

I have started a daily diary and noted all dates he is aboard working. Which is a lot. Thanks for the idea for that!

Hi, what is a forensic accountant?

A forensic accountant is a financial detective. They're expensive but worth it. Lawyer should be able to recommend one.

Please don't overlook the suggestion to take money out of joint accounts and put them in a personal account that only you can access. You'll have to even that out when you come to your settlement, but it stops him suddenly 'losing' all his money and becoming notionally poor.

No, don't wait til the business is successful! It makes no difference as the money will be in a business account, and you could be there forever, waiting for it to turn a profit whilst he pisses profit away on other women.

You don't need a forensic accountant! Any money you have or he has will be used to pay for this, be very careful! You need a good experienced lawyer. The divorce dissolves your marriage - the finances and child access are worked out after, so keep a diary of his interaction with your dc, does he call when away etc. it might come in useful in court one day.

He will be expected to pay what's reasonable, not depending on how much spare cash he has squirrelled away. So don't worry about that, concentrate on working out how much you need a month. He can agree or not, but if he can agree, it will be cheaper for you re the lawyer.

If you can agree an amount per month which he transfers and him to sign it, all to the good if he doesn't pay up and you go to court to attempt a forced payment. It may not be enforceable if he lives out of European jurisdiction. It doesn't matter to you where that is coming from as long as you get it.

And start to move money out into a separate account. Pay all nursery/ school fees up front for as long as they'll let you. Buy clothes for the next year or so for you and dc, wellies, bigger coats etc. Is the car in your name only? Go through everything practical. Book flights to where you want to be Christmas( you can always move them, for a small admin fee, etc etc)

I appreciate that living's very astute, and may not need a forensic accountant. But, since I know two women whose husbands cleared off to SE Asia with all the money - leaving only debts behind - and bearing in mind the many rich men who've successfully hidden major assets from the courts, I'd never write this option off where there are significant holdings.

This is also, of course, the reason for securing as much money as you reckon you'll (generously) need before opening hostilities.

Hi. An update. I have a large file on him now thats at a friends house. I have been k his ph. Whats app and his laptop. I know all the codes. He is on holiday with her in thailand as i post for 2 weeks. He says he is working in Singapore. I have the itineraries and the resort bookings in thailand. I have spoken to my lawyer. Told him i haven't found the courage yet to face him.
I have told my mum. He is very supportive and calm.
I have found that he owns the house we own and that at the time if signing he was resident in nz. So our home was 2nd residence hence does not mean i have access to half of it. Through my nz lawyer. Mum. Nz accountant i can proove this is not true and that he lied. Hence can fight that house was our and is our primary residence and home. Which is good i have a chance now.
Next step is to get back the 4k he owes me. See new notaire to discuss my proof he lied about primary residence. Once done i can have dday.
I am scared. On antidepressants and exhausted. But fighting fit. !

I just want to say GO GIRL! and good for you at pursuing it. Being on AD's is nothing to be ashamed of, you have been dealt a huge dilemma to deal with.

Forensic accountants may be necessary if the courts require a valuation of a business or shareholding. An experienced lawyer cannot provide that service. They can also advise on liquidity of a company and the availability of cash with regard to funding a settlement. Normally they provide an independent report which the court uses to consider division of assets.

That said, offshore accounts and holdings can be very difficult to unpickle, so it may not be possible to trace all his assets.

Wow, you are being very strong OP. I can't imagine how hard it must be to stop yourself from tearing his head off!!

Wow, you're being very strong and brave, can't believe he's on a. 2 week jolly

You are an amazing woman! You deserve so much more in life. Good luck. X

Thanks all. Some days good some bad. I am distracted with looking after ds. Dh is away a lot with work. That is how i have managed so far. Also very supportive friends who live close. 1 is a counsellor. So lucky. Though know its affecting me as i am in the toilet fist thing in the mornings. Its the anxiety. Been taking stresam which is an anti anxiety pill. Helps a lot. Perscribed.

Not sure when dday is.
Have not cried yet which is really odd.

I am interested in what happened to your story. I am in a similar situation and its relatively new for me. A lot of what you say about not feeling rage I identify with. How has your situation played out? If you don't mind me asking.