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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell me what a 'good' marriage looks like please

51 replies

startinoveronmyway · 11/09/2014 06:41

STBXH left, doesn't love me anymore, and looking back checked out emotionally a long time ago.

I'm wobbling now and feel like I want the familiar back, if that makes sense, just to make this god awful pain go away. I don't want him back!

I know marriages are not perfect, but for those of you who have stayed together without major issues like infidelity, trust issues, ea, etc.... whats does that look like? What does a good partner look like?

How does it feel to be in a happy marriage? I desperately need something to compare and put in perspective how crap mine was. Sad

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 11/09/2014 06:47

It's amazing, just thinking about my DH makes my heart feel all light and makes me feel happy.

DH enhances my life and I enhance his. Together we are stronger, happier, content and fulfilled. I feel completely loved and love him more than I ever thought possible.

I know he will always be there for me, always be nice to me, and neither of us says or does anything that would intentionally hurt the other person.

I used to be in a terrible relationship with an abuser. This is nothing like that. Don't go back to your ex, there are plenty of other men out there that you could love and could love you back!

Stay strong.

Nulliferous · 11/09/2014 06:52

21 years together.

It feels...easy. Home with OH is a haven from the stress of the world. We help each other and care for each other, without thinking about it.

Original poster
startinoveronmyway · 11/09/2014 06:53

over just reading your lovely post made me cry because it is all I ever wanted with my ex! I so so so so want to feel this someday and I know I am not ready yet, but just to have that hope that if I want to, I can have a happy relationship with someone who makes life better, not worse or is hard work. Thanks

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 11/09/2014 06:55

DH makes me feel safe. He makes me laugh, I still can't wait for him to come home every day and I enjoy doing things to please him. Stupid things like tracking down certain dil pickles he likes or loading music on to his iPod for when he is at the gym.

We still kiss every night when he gets in and hold hands when we are out.

I find him attractive, even the smell of him, I wear his deodorant sometimes when I am missing him. He is funny, intelligent, kind, generous, thoughtful and safe.

We laugh a lot, have stupid rituals like 'Crimewatch Night' which entails getting the kids in bed, eating early and making sure all the windows and doors are locked and curtains closed just in case we get murdered by one of the wanted people.

He knows he has to peg the washing on the he line with the same coloured pegs or I will have to go and change it.

We do not swear at each other and of we are cross we talk about what is making us cross.

Basically I know that if he were to disappear from my life I would not just miss a companion, a warm body, someone to hold. I would miss him.

Sorry turned into a bit of a stupid ramble.

You deserve someone special though not just a companion but someone who makes you feel adored.

Joysmum · 11/09/2014 07:00

It'll be 20 years for us at the end of this month.

Yesterday I met up with DH for lunch and I was so excited to be seeing him during the day when I don't normally.

To me, the secret of a successful relationship is when you have 2 people who's mission is to make the other person happy. That's it in a nutshell.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 11/09/2014 07:04

It's amazing, just thinking about my DH makes my heart feel all light and makes me feel happy.

That's not a 'good' marriage, that's a new marriage! Wink

A good marriage is often not quite as exciting as all that! At least not after the first 5 years.

Doilooklikeatourist · 11/09/2014 07:20

Married 20 years
DH makes me feel safe , he protects me ( sometimes over protective )
I look after him , do as much for him that I can
He can't cook , but he does wash up
He can't do heights , so I go up ladders
I can't cope with spiders , he does
He worries about things too much , I don't , so tell him to get a grip ( I'm the grip )
It's give and take
We kiss goodnight every night and snuggle up together ( until he turns over to go to sleep )
It's all very boring and normal really

treaclesoda · 11/09/2014 07:50

We've also been together twenty years.

DH treats me with respect, and I do the same to him. We snap at each other sometimes, but we don't have screaming arguments and don't hurl insults at each other when we're pissed off - hurtful words can never really be taken back.

We've had very hard times, but we've been in it together so we've got through.

We make each other laugh, and 'get' each other and we have shared interests.

DrCarolineTodd · 11/09/2014 08:55

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you. I've been where you are and the danger is you can convince yourself you won't have something better. You can and you will. But it begins with knowing yourself, as well as working out what a good relationship is.

Kindness is a key part of a good marriage. Discussing feelings not acting them out. Making decisions as a team. Both of you caring about both of you and not having one person's interests come first. Feeling able to bring up problems. Being happy for each other's successes.

You can have that, and you are right to hope for it.

MrsDavidBowie · 11/09/2014 09:45

I am definitely not in a good marriage.

Flexibilityisquay · 11/09/2014 09:50

Been married 10 years. What sums it up for me, is feeling like home is a safe place, where I know people will be kind to me, and TBH home doesn't have to mean the 4 walls where I live, it is where my family are. Sorry you are having a shitty time OP, but hopefully things will improve soon, now you are free.

MillyCariad · 11/09/2014 09:56

MrsDavidBowie Sad Thanks

JacktheLab · 11/09/2014 10:05

I think I have a good marriage,

We are a partnership, talk every day don't go to bed on an argument.

I could live without him, but my life would be much less in many ways

Everyone deserves to be loved and cared for and most importantly respected

noddyholder · 11/09/2014 10:10

I don't agree it can't feel like that after 5 years I feel more like that after 22 years although maybe the fact we aren't married is why

clickers123 · 11/09/2014 10:16

To me, it's about the caring.

ElleMcFearsome · 11/09/2014 11:10

For me, it's that we respect each other's individuality whilst working as a team, AKA complementary strengths. He loathes admin and form filling, so I do that. Equally I hate ladders, so he does that, etc.

We want each other to be happy, and we understand that this sometimes requires compromise. We talk, rather than fight and we've never yelled at each other. That doesn't mean that we don't disagree, but rather that we talk and find a way forward, rather than hurling insults at each other.

We support each other, but also challenge each other. He played second fiddle for 18 months whilst the DDs DF was dying and I was trying to help them get through it and manage my (complicated) emotions about how I felt. He never pushed me to talk, never invaded my space (or my head) never demanded any of my emotional reserves. He was just there. He took me to the beach, and walked me to the deserted end bit, stood behind me with his arms wrapped around me whilst I screamed at the sky. He bought me chocolate, he made me take exercise and eat, even when I couldn't be arsed to. When his DF died a few months ago, I held his hand whilst he was being the strong one, and then when his DSis and DBro left, he wailed and keened and I held him.

Every night, no matter how stressful the day has been, we talk lovey-dovey nonsense for 10 minutes before we go to sleep.

I know that he has my back, completely and utterly. I also know that he loves me unconditionally, and vice versa.

OP - I had two crappy marriages Thanks because I remember that bewildering feeling of 'what has happened and why do other people seem to be happy'

ouryve · 11/09/2014 11:25

DH and I have never been lovey dovey but we are good friends. And we're a partnership. Bringing up our boys isn't for the fainthearted and we're in a situation where there is a very high rate of marriage breakdown. We try to work through the difficult bits together. We try to do things to make each other's life easier. And when one of us is truly struggling with something, we try to problem solve, together.

I've been in a crap marriage. It's miserable.

batgirl1984 · 11/09/2014 11:38

Married 11 years. Its about bothering to read the other person's feelings, and talking honestly when you can't. Wanting to help each other rather than feeling resentful if they have it easier than you. Lots of small gestures - like staying in rather than going to the gym when they are having a bad time and need you, cups of tea, being forgiving and helpful when you mess up and lose stuff. When I had recently passed my driving test my mum was very ill, I had to do my first big solo drive to look after her. He defrosted the car for me coz I hate being cold. I was so grateful that he does it often now!

batgirl1984 · 11/09/2014 11:43

Forgot to add, kids make it harder. You both get shoved down the order of priority. But seeing each other with the kids adds another dimension to your love as well. But all that being nice to each other is harder, you have to be forgiving and compassionate while letting each other know if you are being a pain!

MagnificentMaleficent · 11/09/2014 11:44

I agree with the feeling happy and light when you think of DH and we've been married 9 years.

He makes me feel happy and safe, and respected. He is a great dad, not just because he looks after and cares for our children, but because he sees us all as a family unit against the world.

He compromises and accommodates and looks after me. And I do the same to him.

I think that any adult relationship is fundamentally easy - be nice to each other. If you can't then you are not in the right relationship.

123upthere · 11/09/2014 11:50

18yrs here

someone who although you may only see them for an hour each evening due to work commitments, you just KNOW that safe feeling when he's there, you KNOW he 'gets' you, you KNOW he will offer a good solution to any problem you mention.

You just KNOW that in this big, stressful, crazy world, that you have a special person to see at the end of each day.

It's looking back on your life together and seeing your memories of life before kids, of your shared travel epxeriences, of remembering those times when utterly skint, but still happy as you were together getting through it all, of remembering those times of abundance and both of you enjoying it all together

when he makes a cup of tea for you,

asks you if you'd like a cold beer after a long day,

cooks dinner every weekend,

does supermarket shopping as he knows you hate supermarkets,

buys you surprise restaurant vouchers to enjoy with your friends. Sorry mammoth post!

brings home your favourite home interiors mag

takesnthe kids out on weekend afternoons so you can have a nap

steppemum · 11/09/2014 11:52

we've been together 15 years.

So many lovely things said on this thread and I agree with lots of them.

With Dh, I feel relaxed, at home, safe.
Above all I can be myself, no pretence.
He respects me, and treats me as a equal. This also means he expects more of me than I do of myself sometimes. He challenges me.
I respect him too.

I like talking to him, we think in a similar way about lots of things and that is very relaxing, don't have to explain yourself. But we still have good debates about ideas, theology etc, which we both like.

We are partners. In life, in the house, in bringing up our kids, in work too.

I know he loves me. I know he would never leave. I know he would never cheat.
Now my brain knows that you can't actually 'know' that for sure. But I know him well enough, know how he is, to know that if something wasn't right, he would deal with it with me, not by walking out, having an affair etc. Why? Because of respect.

I still find him sexy, and despite my fat wobbles and saggy bits, he still finds me sexy too.

yummytummy · 11/09/2014 11:59

This thread is really upsetting me. Have left a horrible abusive marriage and all the good things described above feel like they are from another planet. Cant ever dare to imagine I would ever have any of that. Few dating attempts have failed miserably and a kind partner seems something which isn't meant for me

Original poster
startinoveronmyway · 11/09/2014 12:37

Oh, I do so appreciate all of these wonderful things you all have said!

On the one hand, I am balling my eyes out because every single one of these things was lacking in my marriage!! How could I be so blinded to how miserable a marriage it was? My hope for it being better than it was blinded me to the stark reality.
On the other hand, it gives me such hope that one day, one very precious day, I just might have a chance at feeling those wonderful feelings of being loved, respected, cherished......but oh my goodness, it feels like another lifetime from now.

OP posts:
MillyCariad · 11/09/2014 12:41

Been together 30 years. At the end of the day , I love him and he loves me and everything else gets worked out, one way or another. He is "home".