Tell me what a 'good' marriage looks like please

[startinoveronmyway]

STBXH left, doesn't love me anymore, and looking back checked out emotionally a long time ago.

I'm wobbling now and feel like I want the familiar back, if that makes sense, just to make this god awful pain go away. I don't want him back!

I know marriages are not perfect, but for those of you who have stayed together without major issues like infidelity, trust issues, ea, etc.... whats does that look like? What does a good partner look like?

How does it feel to be in a happy marriage? I desperately need something to compare and put in perspective how crap mine was.

My happy marriage is unremarkable. I am the best version (ie me without guilt or apologies) of me with him in my life. Yummytummy I feel so much for you. I have felt totally doomed by previous relationships (not helped by controlling exh).
It sounds mad but I created a true list, not what I wanted. But how I wanted to feel about a relationship. I wouldn't 'settle' etc. But I had particular self esteem issues.
Please don't 'dare' to deserve. You deserve it, believe it.

Been together 12 years, have had some horrible lows but out of those we came together to create a stronger partnership. He is literally my other half now, what I don't do, he does and vice versa, he's the cooker and cleaner, I take care of the financial and paperwork side of things, we work to each other's strengths ( I phone the takeaways in as he hates speaking on the phone, he goes to the door to collect them as I am generally not fit for public eyes with jama's and hair awry!)

He is a great dad, he listens to our children and always makes them know how loved they are, he likes to spend time with them and play with them.

He never stops telling me how gorgeous I am (I'm not!) but supports me in my efforts to lose weight because he knows it will make me happy. I know he desires me as he will often cop a cheeky grope as he walks past but he never pressurises me, he knows that 'I can't be arsed tonight pet' means no, even if he's heard it 10 days in a row.

I look forward to seeing him, spending time with him, even if we're doing nothing other than watch tv in bed.

I'm very lucky because I know this should be the norm. But I am aware it isn't for many people.

And yes. Cherished is a great word. I feel that not in a 'little wifey way' I cherish him for being him and he the same.

DH and I have been together 9 years, married 7 this year. We work in a job notorious for marriage break ups and I have seen lots of marriages fail. We have had an extremely challenging 18 months and I think a lot of people might have thrown in the towel, I feel we've come through fighting and stronger for it.

We accept the other for who they are, we don't try to change each other (well I would like DH to be tidier).

20 years here. We don't shout or swear. We have the same views on stuff like finance,education,holidays ( neither of us ever want to ski) and same goals.We say thank you. Our division of jobs is more traditional because that works for us. ( but I shift the spiders)
This is my 2nd marriage,ex dh was a good man but we were young and our goals diverged as we got older.

Been together 30 years. At the end of the day , I love him and he loves me and everything else gets worked out, one way or another. He is "home".

Yes that's exactly how I feel too. Been together 23 years, 3 kids.

30+ years. A good marriage is not perfection. I find my husband quite irritating sometimes and I think he finds me a bit irritating too...but I don't think it matters . We love each other warts and all.

My DH and I respect each other a lot. I really think he is a cool person and I admire him.

We are physically affectionate and are kind to each other. We just got back from a trip where he insisted I go and see some Bronze Age burial mounds... That shows me how much he must love me. In return I go and watch cricket with him It's important to want to do things for each other.

I have never ever worried once about him having an affair and I'm sure he hasn't about me. It's never been an issue.

We laugh a lot too.

We never swear or shout at each other although we do a bit of being grumpy. I can't think of a single 'awful' thing he has said to me. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone who had called me disrespectful names.

We've been married for 15 years, so not a 'new' marriage, but the thought of him still makes me go tingly and a bit silly .

I always look forward to seeing him at the end of the day, as he does me.

I trust him completely, no wobbles or doubts whatsoever. Well, actually I don't trust him with the leftovers in the fridge, but I do on all the 'big' things in life .

I can go to him with anything and he will always try to help me and make me feel better. He's 100% on my side, and will defend me to the ends of the earth - and vice versa. He's funny, kind, smart and a fantastic dad, and I thank my lucky stars somebody didn't snap him up before I did.

And last but not least - I fancy him like mad . He 'fits' perfectly into the 'man mould' I always had in my mind; ie tall, well built, dark hair, which definitely helps.

I'm not sure what our marriage 'looks like' from the outside, but I'm pretty sure friends and family know we are 100% happy together. Partly because we never put each other down around other people, as so many couples seem to. When I announced I was pregnant with DC3, a friend said 'ah what a lucky baby to be coming into such a lovely family'. I'll always remember that comment

Oh and I knew him before we got together. We worked in an office full of women. It was easy to see how he related to women ( good) and how everyone related well to him. A genuine person, so no secrets once we were together. Having read some mumsnet stories on here about dates etc I think that was important for me anyway,I'm a hyper sensitive person, to know the person before getting involved and know he was kind to everyone.

Sorry, meant to say OP that I was in a horrible relationship in the past - as many have been .

At the time people used to tell me that I could do so much better and would do one day - I never believed it either...

I feel respected, and trusted, and loved.

That's not to say we don't fight and have our niggles. I imagine every couple does, and the level of those fights and niggles will vary from couple to couple; there is no 'normal' there.

But I trust that he would not hurt me, and I know that he has my back. We're a team. With DD we are a family.

My marriage is definitely not in this class. :(

mutual respect and trust
the right for all parties to have an 'off' day without it ending in a big row/sulk.
both parties 'mucking in' with whatever needs doing.
being there in time of need

Yummytummy I know quite a few exceptionally happy and content single people too. This thread is lovely, of course. BUT you can have security, warmth love and companionship without a DH. You can have a safe haven for a home, food, wine, laughs, self esteem - all of those things work beautifully for two but they work just as bloody marvellously for one. If you look at the posts on here the most striking aspect for me is the humility of them. Not dinners out, holidays, jewellery or dates but the simple comforts of home - they can and will be yours

rawls You are so right too. I need to work on me first, to love myself and work on my self-esteem so that I am in a happy state first and foremost.

I refused to 'wait around' for someone to 'save' me from loneliness! This is a deep dark fear of mine that I need to sort out for myself.

One day (not to far away though) with all of these wonderful things to look forward to in a happy relationship, I want to keep that hope alive in me that says...maybe, just maybe I can have and deserve what I'd like (which is all the lovely things everyone is saying here).

God I have had one long term relationship and currently in failing marriage and neither of them have been like this. Was like this initially in marriage till I got pregnant and he started hitting me , I think as my attention was no longer so focused on him (I dpreviously had miscarriage and then with successful pregnancy had morning sickness) . Elle my fearsome spots made me cry :-(

to Op

Paddling duck I had cancer treatment too and he told me I should feel guilty for what I d put everyone through, just remembered that gem.
He fixed my phone this week and thought he,d been absolutely amazingly kind.

The kind of things we have found are those you would expect - love, loyalty, wanting the best for the other person, compromise, chemistry and attraction, being prepared to admit you are wrong, joint goals, aims and dreams and getting lucky in finding the right person.
The symptoms of this are things like giving each other the best looking meal when cooking even though nobody is likely to notice (keeping the funny shaped salmon for yourself); note on the pillow when away for the night; doing things they would like instead of what you wanted; talking and listening etc.
Also we have found over 34 years together that being prepared to change and develop together is good. I am now a SAHH and do all the housework stuff whilst DW continues to work (I am still getting feedback though on how I hang up with washing)

MediumExpectations haha.......I too get lots of feedback but it is usually helpful.

10 years 3 kids and lots of shit to content with (family stuff and cancer)

We are better people and happier together than apart. We disagree respectfully. Laugh lots. Forgive. Talk . Compromise. Share everything.
Im an introvert and he is the one person I dont need rest from. He is my rest and my recharge and im his.

sus14 I know it isn't the done thing here My ExH used to hit me too. There are good men out there, and there are happy marriages.

I'm much like ourve. We have a partnership and are both trying our best to make it work.
DH isn't good at communicating at all and is missing clues on a regular basis but what counts for me is the fact he is trying ( just as I am).

Sometimes I'm dreaming for relationship with someone who gets me, understand when I'm feeling down/tired and how to best cheer me up (DH needs to be told both of those).

OP I don't think there is a blueprint for a 'good marriage'. Every marriage is unique.
Some marriages last for ever but they aren't that good. But people 'settle' and rub along. I've many friends who confess they'd not marry their DH again if they turned back the clock.

IMO a good marriage is the same as a good friendship. You support each other , listen to each other's problems and try to help, try to have fun in life a bit, and bring up the DCs if there are any to be independent, happy and well adjusted adults.

Some couples argue about stuff especially if they each have strong opinions, but still stay together.

There is give and take, time spent together , time spent alone, and time spent with friends doing stuff. I don't believe a good marriage means people never argue or are joined at the hip. But the bottom line is you care about each other.