What's your experience or your opinion of "settling"?

[GoatsDoRoam]

Just that.

Especially interested in people's experience. My own immediate reaction is that settling means being untrue to yourself, as well as being cruel to the person you are settling for, and should be avoided at all cost.

However, I have at least one couple among my close friends where it is clear that she has never been "in love" with him, but they clearly share fondness, respect, values, and now a baby, and I can't find anything wrong with that, despite my intellectual principles of To Thine Own Self Be True. In fact, I suspect they will be the most solid and long-lasting of the couples I know. They've chosen to put in their lot together, with no romance involved but with plenty of more solid stuff instead.

And now it's a choice I'm facing: there is a man who is good and kind and wants a future with me, and I respect him, and love him without any kind of spark; it's more like fondness and affection with plenty of lust. But there isn't that softening of my heart whenever I catch a glimpse of him, no deep urge to connect with him when we are apart, that I have felt with my ex. None of that mental connection where I could talk to him for hours. Just the knowledge that this is someone kind and dependable (and hot). It doesn't seem right to engage in a future with him without that spark. Am I right? Or being too idealistic?

I am mid-30s, living in a town with precious few single men in it, but I am not especially broody. This could be my only shot, though. Your thoughts?

I am of the opinion that I give up a part of my own freedom and selfishness to be in a relationship and that it is only worth it if it is the Right Person.

Ive been with dh for eleven years and can honestly say there is no-one I could imagine I would rather grow old with. There is no-one I could depend on more, and there is no-one I would put myself put more for than him.

I like my own space. He is worth giving that up for. I wouldnt give it up for someone who is simply "a nice enough dependable sort"

What about his feelings? I can't imagine he would want to be 'settled for' in this way. Essentially a sperm and cash donor who is the best currently available. What happens to him when you suddenly meet the man who does create that spark?

No, in my view settling down is as in settling down in a warm, snug, safe place that you love ie your relationship. It isn't a compromise made due to lack of alternatives.

I do see your dilemma but please don't do it. It's hugely unfair on the nice man you mention.

I wouldn't do it. But then I'm lucky enough to be madly in love with a man who wants to marry me, I might have thought differently if that hadn't happened.

I'm not really an adherent of the Love Means Everything idea. I personally think that marriages have roughly the same success rates if they're free-choice or if they're arranged (more or less, there are a few caveats).

If you are what he wants and if you have a good compatibility, like each other a lot and a good sex life, then I think you've got a really good basis for the future. Better perhaps than with your ex since, well, he's your ex.

The proviso is that it's a really good basis for being together - as long as you consciously make that commitment and arent looking over your shoulder all the time for something better. If you make that commitment and then move on, it'd be cruel. Better to wait, if you know you want it all.

I'm not a fan of settling. Largely because I know myself and, if there was any suggestion that I'd compromised, I'd know I would be increasingly resentful and that's not the kind of person I want to be. Other people are less fussy and maybe there's something to be said for mutual gratitude rather than anything more exciting.

I think the pressure to find someone to have DCs with often skews this one .

I think how a person views friendship matters. Some people have no desire to be their partner's best friend. For them, they have other people to fulfill that role and their partner is their partner.

Others however and I'm one of them, find it essential that their partner is their best friend. I have other friends sure, but the person that I confide in all things to is my husband and my friends are for fun mostly and are less intense and close than the relationship I have with my husband.

I didn't think phoarr when I first met him as I had with other men. I saw him and thought he was handsome and I knew him already to be kind, patient and funny. He is someone I can talk to. Have I 'settled' because he doesn't turn my legs to jelly? To some perhaps I have but after having had a rather lonely childhood and adolescence, I always wanted someone to talk to, a best pal in every sense of the word and I'd rather have that than lust and subsequent incompatibility which was the theme of my previous relationships.

In your case OP, if you can't talk to him and that is an important factor in finding a partner, then he isn't right for you. A person doesn't have to tick all the boxes but there are some non-negotiables.

Nevermind you, on his behalf I would say don't do it. Imagine being the person being spoken about here and being settled for??

Poor guy.

Don't settle for him. Let him find someone who loves him back.

Don't be selfish.

I think that everyone has their own non-negotiables and that they will be different for different people. And it seems unlikely to me that someone could tick every single box you think of, but that them not meeting certain criteria could be crucial to one person.

I don't believe in settling as when I did it in a long relationship, it never felt like an equal partnership because our feelings for each other did not match. In another relationship where my heart wasn't in it but I thought I would give it a go, I grew extremely irritated by him to the point where it was difficult to hide.

Having said that, you are talking about love and lust for this guy - what more are you looking for?!

I have only ever felt the ' spark ' with someone unsuitable eg bad boy/player in any case.

Why not go on a few more dates and see how it goes you say u already like him and think he's good looking why not just see how it goes rather than thinking of it as settling ?

I think it can be interpreted in different ways.

To me you are settling if you go for someone who is less intelligent, less interesting, less kind, that you don't really fancy: when you compromise on really key factors because you're afraid that this is the best you're going to get.

Some people call settling what might actually be a perfectly good relationship, it just doesn't happen to fit with certain romantic notions of what a partner should be: he's handsome and rich and funny and kind and brave and strong and you talk all night and he makes you go weak at the knees etc. In that case, that's not really settling, but being realistic.

I think it really depends on the extent of the compromise.

In your situation OP, I'd probably go with it, being a pragmatist. Because I think being with someone who you are fond of and is sexy is more fun than being alone. And what you have is a perfectly good basis for a long-lasting relationship. If you lived in a bigger city and had more opportunities to meet other guys I might say different.

For all the meeting of minds with your ex, you're no longer together.

Goodness! I have a friend with whom I DO have that lovely thing where you can talk and talk for hours and really look forward to seeing them again. But as there is no real desire to jump them, I won't be going there. I know that it is important to fancy your partner, it really does matter to at least feel it in the beginning even if you can't muster it 5 years in when you are covered in child sick and cross and tired. You should at least start out with a high level of fancying, FGS. For this reason, the person is staying firmly as a friend, lovely as they are.

I don't know if some people would regard me as being really fussy and holding out for something impossible. Perhaps they would. But I know I would get fed up in the end if I didn't ever really have the sexual spark with someone in the beginning, and I would break their heart in the process. And I have no wish to do that.

"None of that mental connection where I could talk to him for hours. "

I'd be a bit worried about this - it's great that you fancy him (often this situation is the other way around and that causes plenty of it's own issues).

But won't you get bored?! My OH and I don't sit and talk for hours on end particularly (there is only so much conversation anyone has in them!) but I'd say being with someone you are on the same wavelength as is pretty important - certainly if you're considering committing for the very long term.

For us it helps us to face up to the tougher times in life together and unites us as a team... and that's what we see being together as being about.

I think Twinklestein is right. What exactly does 'settling' mean to you, OP?

I can think of two friends who 'settled'.

One did so in her mid-twenties, brilliantly clever, rather tormented, longing to have children. someone who is terrified that if she doesn't grab something right now, it will never be offered again. She quite consciously 'settled' for a good man who shared her values, had a similarly screwed-up family background, was highly intelligent, UC, not particularly career-oriented, decent and dependable, and attractive, but with whom she was never deeply romantically in love. They are happily married and suit each other well, especially as he is a SAHP while she focuses on work, and they have made a happy, secure family unit totally unlike their own backgrounds.

The other friend was in her late thirties, cosmopolitan, a successful lawyer, after a string of bad relationships, who wanted a child before it was too late. Her now-husband is a decent, straightforward, timid, rather pompous man - she phoned me to laugh about him after their first date, but I think his obvious sincerity and devotion to her won her over gradually.

Friend A told me she knew she was settling, Friend B hasn't said so explicitly, but has never pretended to be romantically in love with her husband. She thinks they will have a good life together. I see why they shouldn't be as happy as friend A and her husband. Neither woman would, I think, be unfaithful, and they thought seriously about what they were doing, and take their wedding views seriously. The only thing that might damage Friend B's marriage irreparably is if they are unable to have children, but then that damages a lot of marriages.

Like a pp, I know people who had arranged marriages, and don't think that the only valid relationships are born out of intense romantic love.

I'm not firmly in either camp, but veer towards not settling. I sometimes think the urge to settle hits you harder in the late 20s and mid 30s. Perhaps it's linked to fertility or social expectations, I don't know? But I think it's better to wait a while if you're not sure.

I do think settling comes with its own risks. For example - what if either of you meets someone who is really special in your eyes. You finally feel that heady rush and warm affection. Will the 'settled for' relationship withstand it? The same applies if you hit severe challenges. If the ties between you are more convenient and amiable than they are strong, will you get through hard times together?

That's not to say I think you should be intense or all consuming in love, because that has its own problems. I just think stronger emotional bonds than 'settling' might be necessary.

Of course, the risk of not settling is, perhaps, never finding anyone. This is why I'm not firmly in either camp...

Please don't do it. I settled and struggled for many many years to accept my choice. It didn't work, we are now divorced and back to being great friends. Which is what we should have stayed 25 years ago. I settled for a kind thoughtful generous man who helped me through an abusive first marriage and convinced me I would grow to love him over time. I didn't, and should never have married him.
Talk out loud to yourself and be brutally honest with yourself.

I settled and wish to god I hadn't. I was only in my early twenties but I thought I wanted the domestic life he offered. 14 years in and I know, have known for some time, I made a terrible mistake. But now there is DD to consider. I won't wreck her life because of a poor choice I made, so I'm sticking with it for now. Doesn't help I've fallen for someone else - nothing physical has happened - but he ticks so many more boxes. My DH is a very decent man; kind and generous. But there's no spark, no longing, no missing him when I go away for work etc. it's becoming a lonely existence :(

This was my marriage criteria: is he the person in the world you most want to spend time with? Do you want to spend time with him more than with any of your friends? Is he the person you enjoy chatting with whilst one of you does the washing up? I think if you have this it is a good basis for a marriage.

I agree with people who have said that if you decide to get married you have to be completely committed to it and not always looking for the someone better to come along and you both have to understand how each other feel going into the marriage.

I never experienced the talking all night thing we DH, tbh I do wish he was mor of a talker but ultimately the relationships with people where we did talk all night, or that were more intense didn't work out, and this one has. Mainly cos there is mutual respect and he loves me for who I am, and I respect who he is. I don't see it as settling, I have had more highs but equally more lows in previous relationships and in this one I have experienced more stability. Which was more important to me when having a family than feeling I couldn't live without someone, but I did and still do fancy him and there has to be that chemistry when you do decide to have children, because there's nothing like having kids for putting you off sex, so knowing it will be good when you do get round to it really helps!

I proposed to my DH after we had a stonking great row. I looked over at him and thought, 'God you're such a wanker!' But hot on the heels of that was the thought that despite having had a serious row I never wanted to be without him. I proposed then and there.

Settling to me is when somebody doesn't want to be with their partner when things are at their worst. It's all too easy to say your relationship is good when things are at their best so that's not the time to judge.

I think sometimes when you've had a string of relationships or trouble finding someone who ticks yours boxes, it's possible to 'settle' for the first person who vaguely is right. You have to question though how long settling can last. I think if you truly do settle, your feelings can change when the right person does come along.

It is imperative to fancy someone IMO. It is much more fun to be alone and free to have fun with someone who us lovely but who just dosn't turn me on.
This is why I'm single, I have turned down lots of lovely men as they don't do it for me. No regrets.

I just couldn't sacrifice for my independence for someone who has mediocre attraction for me.