What's your experience or your opinion of "settling"?

[GoatsDoRoam]

Just that.

Especially interested in people's experience. My own immediate reaction is that settling means being untrue to yourself, as well as being cruel to the person you are settling for, and should be avoided at all cost.

However, I have at least one couple among my close friends where it is clear that she has never been "in love" with him, but they clearly share fondness, respect, values, and now a baby, and I can't find anything wrong with that, despite my intellectual principles of To Thine Own Self Be True. In fact, I suspect they will be the most solid and long-lasting of the couples I know. They've chosen to put in their lot together, with no romance involved but with plenty of more solid stuff instead.

And now it's a choice I'm facing: there is a man who is good and kind and wants a future with me, and I respect him, and love him without any kind of spark; it's more like fondness and affection with plenty of lust. But there isn't that softening of my heart whenever I catch a glimpse of him, no deep urge to connect with him when we are apart, that I have felt with my ex. None of that mental connection where I could talk to him for hours. Just the knowledge that this is someone kind and dependable (and hot). It doesn't seem right to engage in a future with him without that spark. Am I right? Or being too idealistic?

I am mid-30s, living in a town with precious few single men in it, but I am not especially broody. This could be my only shot, though. Your thoughts?

It's different for different people. I've known people madly in love after a few days only to move on to somebody else a short time later. (Men and women!) Other people spend a whole lifetime waiting on a soulmate who sometimes never materialises. You can only do what you think will make you happy.

Some Questions for anyone thinking about "settling".

• Are you sexually compatible? So actually desiring them not just tolerating sex for the sake of producing kids, or "keeping him indoors happy". If you're just tolerating sex from the start then you'll be looking for excuses to get out of it ASAP. And then he'll start feeling rejected, and you'll want him less and less...and the vicious cycle will backfire....

• Are you Ok socially with them in public?

I think there's issues when one person isn't "proud" of their partner and wants to keep their relationship a secret, or is only happy spending time with them as part of a wider group, or with the kids. Settling in terms of "not Mr Butterflies" is fine. But if your partners social mannerisms or appearance are bugging you, then thinking "well its Ok we'll just live in the same house as a family team" is really, really, unfair.

Imagine your partner surprises you with a romantic 1-1 weekend in Paris, you'll both be dressed up for dinner, the waiters will be looking at you AS A COUPLE.

Can you ensure you won't secretly be thinking "I wish I was with someone else and I feel embarrassed to be seen in this situation with this person" ?

Or you bump into your workmates/handsome ex with them and you're happy to say "this is my husband/wife".

I think "settling" becomes dangerous when someone can't do any of the above.

Personally I think it would be a shame not to find someone who you emotionally like better than EVERYONE else and who you aren't looking at and thinking "wow" on a regular basis (not just about looks, can be other things)

But then again, in modern society, if you want a particular family set-up to a particular timeline, and a particular living standard, and have your emotional/social needs largely met by family/friends, maybe it makes sense to compromise a bit on the 1-1 spousal relationship.

It's fine until you meet 'The One'.

Then trouble may ensue.

Really struggling with this question myself at the moment. Been with boyfriend for 8 months and he is a lovely man. Kind, considerate, brilliant with my son, loves me, into same stuff as me (music etc). We have great sex - probably best I have ever had as it is inexplicably better post childbirth and i feel totally comfortable with him. However he is not dynamic like my ex's, not as charismatic, terrible clothes (totally superficial I know!) I do love him but I know I have settled. A lot of these posts make interesting reading. Not sure of the answer op! I would love to feel that all consuming love but I am actually not sure I am wired like that and besides, my son comes first now.
However I suspect it is not enough. And if that is the case I will break up with him - I just want to give it a chance though. We go on holiday together with ds next week. I think I will know after that.

I always refused to settle in the past, having broken up with my 6 year boyfriend at 29 as I knew he wasn't right, but I think sometimes in hindsight I didn't give people a chance. I would never have looked twice at my current boyfriend then.

I don't sound like a very nice person here I know! I do think there can be different people for different times of your life though. Only 1 of my ex's would be someone I would want to be in a relationship now with ds to consider.

I'm not sure about this "can you live without them?" business. I got dumped by someone I thought I couldn't live without, but after a few months of weeping and pain, it turned out I actually could live without him just fine. Fireworks and passion and talking all night are great, but they aren't the substance of a relationship. You respect the guy, you love him, and you fancy him. What more could you need?

^I agree. I'm not saying marry a guy if you merely tolerate him but if you're mid thirties and think you might want kids within a stable loving relationship, be realistic about the chances of something better coming along within a reasonable time frame.

I'm not sure this trope about 'what if you meet The One, waa waa' is very helpful. For quite a lot of people, the idea of The One is irrelevant bollocks.
Even for those people who do want, or do have, a longterm monogamous relationship that's happy, there's nothing magical or mystical about it. The longterm partner could have been any one of hundreds - s/he just happened to be around, available, attractive to you, with a similar outlook and wanting to commit to a longterm relationship at the same time you did.