What's your experience or your opinion of "settling"?

[GoatsDoRoam]

Just that.

Especially interested in people's experience. My own immediate reaction is that settling means being untrue to yourself, as well as being cruel to the person you are settling for, and should be avoided at all cost.

However, I have at least one couple among my close friends where it is clear that she has never been "in love" with him, but they clearly share fondness, respect, values, and now a baby, and I can't find anything wrong with that, despite my intellectual principles of To Thine Own Self Be True. In fact, I suspect they will be the most solid and long-lasting of the couples I know. They've chosen to put in their lot together, with no romance involved but with plenty of more solid stuff instead.

And now it's a choice I'm facing: there is a man who is good and kind and wants a future with me, and I respect him, and love him without any kind of spark; it's more like fondness and affection with plenty of lust. But there isn't that softening of my heart whenever I catch a glimpse of him, no deep urge to connect with him when we are apart, that I have felt with my ex. None of that mental connection where I could talk to him for hours. Just the knowledge that this is someone kind and dependable (and hot). It doesn't seem right to engage in a future with him without that spark. Am I right? Or being too idealistic?

I am mid-30s, living in a town with precious few single men in it, but I am not especially broody. This could be my only shot, though. Your thoughts?

I agree with Twinklestein. I think that, often, what we call 'settling' is actually 'real life'. It is neither realistic nor desirable (imo) to expect love to be Everything, to expect your partner to fulfil every desire and want and need, to make you go weak at the knees every day. I think that way disappointment lies. The 'spark' is often borne out of anxiety that it's all going to go tits up, ime!

You describe this man as evoking respect, fondness, affection AND lust? I think that sounds pretty good actually!

I do agree that there's a difference between 'settling' because you've realised the Fairytale Romance is just that, a fairytale, and what you actually have in front of you is a fine man who you could build a happy life with... and settling' because you feel you've got no other options.

I think men do it all the time and this is borne out by the number of errant husbands. Some women must do it too because the clock is ticking.

I did it, aged 27 because I was on the rebound from one of those dizzy heady sparky romances that was all excitement and angst. I also knew I wanted a home to make home, a piano, a few children, some pets...and some security. He turned out to be a good bet but the feelings have always been mismatched. He is irritating, not because he is inherently irritating but because I can't forgive his little quirks, his odd moments or any divergence from what I can tolerate. This I believe is because I don't and never have loved him enough. We won't stay together but I have a great friend for life and two great Dc.

I think it is possible but I think it depends just as much on your own personality as it does on the two people involved. Some people favour security, kindness and bedrock devotion over passion and all consuming love. Some people just want a quiet, simple life without sparks. It may also be that people need different things at different times in their lives. This was and is the case for me. I wouldn't rule him out OP, but think very carefully about whether he is what you need, what you need now. Life is long and with the best of intent many marriages fail. I don't regret settling because I have two lovely children, I may though have lived to regret combing the earth for my "other half" only to have missed the boat.

Oh I think it just depends on too many factors to have a definitive opinion on it to be honest.

No-one should ever settle for someone who is abusive in any way shape or form. Ever. That's my first caveat.

No-one should settle with someone who they know has much stronger feelings for them than they reciprocate. It's not fair for one person to be so totally loved, and the other to be just a convenience.

No-one should "settle" when they are still in their twenties. Even the concept is kind of bizarre to me, since you are still so young!!!

No-one should ever settle, unless they are prepared to take their vows seriously. I'm not saying they can't divorce if their spouse turns out to be a nasty piece of work, but if you meet someone that you find amaze balls a few years down the line - tough shit. You made your choice. The other person shouldn't have to suffer simply because their partner couldn't be bothered to keep looking for a more suitable partner.

But these are really just the tip of the ice berg really. Some people "settle" in really good relationships - it's just that for some reason they have this idea that because there is one or two "boxes" that their partner doesn't tick, then they are "settling".

Hmmm, we you can't know for certain what your friend feels within her relationship, or that she has misgivings.

You clearly do have misgivings. And as you are not looking for someone who brings the opportunity of parenting, you can afford to enjoy it for what it is. Why the need to make this relationship your cul de sac?

FWIW entry of people 'settle' on the other side too, but it isn't seen as such. They settle for one who arouses passion and gut feelings but offers no security, promise of good co-parenting

What you describe OP is what I been looking for in 2 years of dating

I don't think that settling is a good idea unless both people have agreed to it.

I would rather stay single than settle for a less than a total merging of hearts.

Thank you very much for all of your replies! I found wisdom in all of them.

To me settling is being with somebody who you know isn't right for you, but you drift along because there is nothing better available.

Settling is marrying/ partnering a person you can live with, not one that you can't live without.

Yeah, the guy sounds pretty good to me too!

My friend "settled". She was going out with this guy throughout her twenties and she would freely admit that whilst he was her best friend, he wasn't going to be the love of her life. He made her laugh though, and he was nice, and I think the sex was good - in other words there was absolutely no reason to break up with him.

I started to get a bit worried when 30 was looming - I had a serious chat with her about basically setting him free to be with someone who worshipped him. She said not to worry "I want to be dancing down that aisle with someone - I can't see myself walking down the aisle with him". Then she kept on again about how he was her best friend.

She kept up this line right up to the moment he proposed. Then she clammed up and showed off her enormous ring. I said to her "So when did you know he was The One?" She answered "When he proposed, I guess"

In other words, she was hitting 30, he wanted to marry her, he was nice and funny and dependable, they were good pals, he was smitten with her....and she couldn't see a single reason to dump him and have to start all over again.

But you know what? They seem pretty content. He's still nice and dependable and lets her pursue whatever jobs/interests she wants. They have 3 nice kids now and a nice house. They seem to be on the same page. They'll certainly last the distance. She seems happy.

Does she ever fantasise about someone to swoon over? Who knows - she hasn't breathed a word of dissatisfaction since the moment that engagment ring went on.

But she made her choice and I don't think she did too badly out of it.

Problem is one person's 'blown away' is another's 'compromise', so that doesn't actually help.

One of my best friends is totally blown away by her husband - she's easily blown is all I can say...

I wouldn't do it, but then I don't want a couple-relationship and prefer to be single.
If you don't want to have children, there is no reason at all to move in with or marry a man unless you really really want to live with him, specifically. Being single is fine. It's much better than being in a crap relationship.
If you do want children, particularly if you are at the age where you don't have that much time to find The Perfect Husband and Father, it might be a good idea to consider finding a Good Co-Parent and agreeing to have a child together but not bother about the couple aspect of it.

I got unexpectedly pregnant with my DS, and his father, a long-term drinking buddy and occasional FWB of mine, is a great father to him and a decent man - we have a happy family relationship that works fine. But DS dad and I don't live together and are not a couple. If we tried to be, we would drive each other insane and it wouldn't be good for us or DS.
I think one of the reasons our little family works is because neither DS' Dad nor I have any real interest in romantic relationships: we are both happy to be single.

It sounds a bit depressing OP. Will it last through the hard buts if life?

What Flossie said about bad boys. There have been men in my life who set my knickers alight with a mere glance. And I'm bloody glad I'm not married to any of them!
There's also been caring, intelligent, generous good guys who've been in mad unrequited love with me. All of them friend-zoned. I just couldn't do it.
I like to think that my fiancé is just right, a happy medium. I've been with enough blokes to know. He gives me the feeling of being "home". Never had that before. I consider myself lucky.
However, I do have girlfriends that wanted a baby or to get married who went for the best candidate at the time. They complain about their husbands a lot... A friend & I were musing about past boyfriends we could have made it with, but as with the settlers it's all about timing.

*bits

I'd rather read a book.

I settled for a while. I had lots of rubbish relationships with bad boys in my early twenties, then I met a kind, handsome and funny man who my friends and family all adored. And, well I loved him but I wasn't in love with him. Which is such a cliche I know.

We were together for five years, planning our lives together, looking for a house to buy......and I met the man who is now my DP. And it sounds horrible, but it was just love at first sight for me. And then everything got very messy, and, to my shame and regret, the kind and handsome and funny man got very, very hurt.

I have been with DP for 25 years now. I should have waited for him. I shouldn't have played at it with someone else.

I have a friend too who definitely settled. She was one for the bad boys too and I think when the rest of our circle settled down she panicked a bit and settled for an old friend who had adored her for years.

I would say they were really happy for about ten years; she got the lovely house and the two kids and he always absolutely had her on a pedestal. But he's definitely cooled in the last few years, and she's always been cool with him. It's all a bit sad.

I think it only works if you're both 'settling' in that you want a marriage, a nicer home than you could afford on one income, and DC but neither of you is desperately, passionately in love with the other. That way, even if you get bored after a few years, you may be able to part without too much bitterness.
The worst mistake a lot of people make is to marry someone who is kind, solvent, well-mannered but who they feel no sexual desire at all for.. Women sometimes do this on the grounds that sex is not very important to them and that they will be able to 'put up with it' now and again in order to have children. This is nearly always disastrous unless the man has a very low libido as well. Because if he has an active libido, he will make the reasonable assumption that the marriage will involve some sexual activity - and if he's a nice man, the sort who only wants sex with a partner who is enthusiastic about having it with him, he will grow increasingly miserable at the lack of sex, particularly as the woman's distaste for sex with him will increase over time (it's hard to 'get used to' having sex with someone you simply don't fancy). If he's not a nice man, he may become a sexual bully.

I could have settled and I'm glad I didn't. I used to live with an ex boyfriend and after seven years I knew deep down that I wasn't on love with him. We could have stayed together but I split up with him and I'm glad I did.

I'm now married to DH who I met a few years later and it's completely different. I couldn't wait to marry him, I love him, he's such a nice bloke and fantastic Dad to our DC. Most importantly I still fancy him after 7 years and I love the bones of him.