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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advise needed

52 replies

meatpie · 10/09/2014 09:51

My Wife is a housewife, every morning she argues with me that I get up and have a shower, while she feeds the kids and gets them ready for school, once I finish getting ready (for work) I try and help with dressing the kids.

is she out of order to demand that I help fully, given that after they are at school, she had the day to herself, where as I have a 8 hour stint in front of me?

Is it wrong that I want a shower and a cup of tea, before I leave home?

OP posts:
meatpie · 10/09/2014 09:58

*Advice ;)

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 09:59

She is not out of order. Children are a joint responsibility, mornings in most families are on a tight schedule and everyone should be pitching in, not one doing all the work while the other has a leisurely time of it.

Hope that helps.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 10/09/2014 10:00

Maybe she's fed up of doing breakfast every day. Probably wouldn't kill you to breakfast then get in the shower. Or get up earlier.

Quitelikely · 10/09/2014 10:03

I don't think it is wrong that you want your shower and a cup of tea tbh. In my house hubby gets up has his shower, during that time I get up and make us both a hot drink. By which time I've also got the dc up and maybe or maybe not started breakfast. Once he's out of the shower I go in.

There is usually an hour between him getting up and leaving. Time for two cups each!

My dc aren't all at school but I do get your point. If they were I would try to ensure if my dh asked for a shower and coffee in the morning that I could help him achieve that.

However not your wife so unfortunately you may have to reach a compromise to keep the peace

Quitelikely · 10/09/2014 10:03

Should say I'm not your wife!

ScarletButterfly · 10/09/2014 10:03

Of course she is right. They are your children too. You have an eight hour shift to do? So I'm assuming you think she sits on her arse all day doing nothing? She doesn't. Fact.

She may be a 'housewife'. That in itself is more than a full time job. You should be helping properly, not sitting and having a leisurely shower and cup of tea while you watch her run around after children that are also your responsibility. I appreciate you have to get ready for work, but so does she.

Bisou88 · 10/09/2014 10:18

Im on both sides to be honest. On one hand, you have the option to get a shower and a cup of tea before work, she doesnt, her work starts as soon as she opens her eyes. Yes, they are your responsibility too, and if she is requesting your help then its your duty to offer it. Your a parent too, remember?

On the other hand, i always deal with the kids while DP gets ready for work, it just doesnt bother me that much...

VanitasVanitatum · 10/09/2014 10:22

Depends what she does in the day time I think.

thisisnow · 10/09/2014 10:23

Can't you shower the night before? That's what I do! Don't have time to shower in the morning!

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2014 10:37

What's a housewife? Is it 1950???
Perhaps she should welcome you home with a fresh martini having made an effort to put on a naice dress and some make up?
Get up 5 minutes earlier and have a shower THEN help with the kids

rb32 · 10/09/2014 10:43

Get up ten minutes earlier, have a shower, get dressed then have breakfast and your cup of tea with your familly. After breakfast, help get them ready for school. Easy really.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 10/09/2014 10:46

The thing is, they are your children too.

Getting them up and ready for school is part of the work of parenting. You are also their parent. Or do you consider yourself only their parent between 2-4pm on a Saturday afternoon at the park, for example?

Being their parent, through stressful mornings, means you are teaching them valuable lessons about organisation, timekeeping and the importance of being ready for the day. They need to learn to be independent, but also cooperative and helpful to each other and their parents.

What are you teaching them right now?

That your wife and they are less important than you. That you don't have to support your life partner, and that your children's daily lives are not important to you. An awful lot of two-way communication about your children's lives happens in that slot. You are cutting yourself off from it.

I also don't like the way you say your wife is a housewife. What a box to put her in. She is a person, presumably the person you cherish most, and she feels you act as if the rest of the family are nothing to do with you in the morning. That hurts (I've been there) on many levels.

Also, parent and housewife are separate roles. Housewife happens in the spaces around the children, who are more important. Parenting is 24 hours. AS IT IS FOR YOU! Housewife is her 'job', parent is who she is. Does your wife only 'housewife' between 9-5? Does she only 'parent' for set hours? Why do you feel you get this perk when she doesn't?

I think you are failing to THINK, about who you are, who she is. I think you are not thinking about the kind of PARENT you are.

She is asking you to step up.

Will you?

aermingers · 10/09/2014 10:56

It's rare my husband is still there because he's up at 5 for work at 7 to work a ten hour shift with a 3 hour round commute. He only sees our little boy for half an hour in the evening. If he is around he enjoys helping out as it's a chance to spend time with him.

If I were you I would just appreciate that you're getting to spend time with them. A lot of Dad's who just get a snatched 15 minutes in the evening to read a story (and if late miss them entirely) would love to be in the position to be able to spend time with their kids for an hour in the morning. I know mine would.

HappyGirlNow · 10/09/2014 11:31

How is being a 'housewife' when the kids are at school a 'full time job'??

If she doesn't want to work in paid employment then the lions share of the childcare must be hers.. Doesn't mean OP doesn't get involved and should help out but he's out working all day.. And she's.. Well, no way she's working for the bulk of it!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 12:24

What the DW does all day is a different discussion. The principle is one of teamwork at a time of day which is often pretty stressed and everyone being happy with the arrangement. It's not a competition of who puts in more working hours

minkah · 10/09/2014 12:33

Getting the children ready for school each morning...maybe the way of doing it needs to be looked at, so that it's easier?

Practically speaking, are there ways it could be streamlined?

What time does your wife get up? What time do you get up?

Has she been up for ages with the kids, while you have a lie in then a shower, for example?

Does she make the coffee,,and you come down and pour yourself a cup?

So many factors, really, that could be causing the snarl up between you.

kaykayblue · 10/09/2014 13:01

I know this might be an avant garde suggestion, but have you tried actually talking to her about this?

If you don't understand what she is struggling with, then you don't know what the situation is. Getting the kids ready for school has a definite time limit on it in which to do everything - it might be completely irrelevant that she has the rest of the day off if she is struggling to get everything necessary done before the kids have to leave the house.

If someone tells you that you have to run a marathon every day, then it's fine if you have all day to do it. But if you have to have finished within a very specific time frame, then it simply might not be possible.

If that's the case, then yes, you are being unreasonable to expect to get a nice relaxing morning whilst she kills herself trying to desperately get everything ready.

If she is dealing with the children if they wake up in the night, or have nightmares, or other night wakings (so that you can get a decent night's sleep before work), then it's natural she'd be shattered in the mornings, and it would be reasonable to expect you to help out.

There are reasons why she might be totally reasonable in her request, and there might be reasons why she is being unreasonable.

But you won't know until you actually have an adult, non competitive, non aggressive discussion with her about it.

What isn't helpful is to point blank reject the idea that you should help with your children before you go to work, purely on the basis that you have work afterwards.

If the children are in school now, perhaps you could both sit down and discuss whether it's worth her returning to work, or looking for something part time. In which case you would both need to deal with all childcare issues 50/50 (or whatever split depending on whether she goes back ft or pt).

If that isn't possible because you need someone to do child pick ups, drop offs , someone to look after the kids when they're sick, then you need to re-evaluate your view on what your wife actually does. It isn't just that she is sat at home on her arse all day whilst you...sit at work behind a desk all day (? lol) - what she is actually doing is making herself available at any time in case a child care issue arises. And that in turn allows you to work undisturbed, and without having to pay for child care, or arrange drop offs, or pay for extra activities to keep the kids busy until you two finish work.

lunatuna · 10/09/2014 13:16

Surely primary aged kids can more or less get themselves ready, unless they have special needs? Mine sort themselves out mostly. All that needs to be done here in the morning is helping them get their brekkie and nagging asking them to get dressed, brush teeth, shoes on etc. Not tricky.

Maybe she is annoyed with your attitude in the mornings. Are you getting yourself ready and ignoring all around you? Pitching in with breakfast is easy and would make it more of a family thing to do, rather than leaving your wife feeling like she is on her own.

HowardTJMoon · 10/09/2014 13:27

If all you do most mornings is to have a shower and a cup of tea then bugger off out leaving everything to your wife then you are being unfair.

Yes I know that you say you "try" to "help" dress the kids but that's only after you're ready yourself. How often would you say that actually happens? How long does it take to help dress your school-age children?

Bogeyface · 10/09/2014 13:54

Sounds like you get up, shower, have your cuppa, shout "get your shoes on!" at the kids and leave.

In contrast, H gets up first usually to use the bathroom and get ready for work and takes the kids down when he has done. He gets their breakfast while I am in the bathroom, then I do the lunches while they are teeth cleaning, washing etc and between us we get the toddler dressed and chivvy along the older ones. Everyone does their bit.

Also your comment about "has all day to herself" speaks volumes. You dont value what she does at all do you?! Does the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing all do itself? do you "help" when you get home from work or whine that you have been at work all day?

Roseblossom2 · 10/09/2014 13:57

I think you're getting a hard time here at people being offended by your term of phrase. A lot of people use the phrase "housewife" or "househusband" if the OH doesn't go to work but the other does. So first - ignore people nitpicking!

As for your actual issue - As long as you are chipping in with the children in the evening...etc then I see no issue with you getting yourself ready for work, and your wife getting the kids ready for school.

I'd give everything I could to be able to stay at home and not work, the housework takes up all my evenings so to do it throughout the day while the kids are at school would be brilliant.

She's not doing the childcare all day and if she was working full time you'd both be in a lot worse off position with the housework and children and have even less time to yourself, so I'm sure she gets time to put her feet up in the day, and at night with you.

It's all a matter of opinion though, and if she's miffed off about it there's not much you can do :/

NoImSpartacus · 10/09/2014 13:58

If you're working all day and your wife is at home while your kids are at school then, yes, she is out of order! You should be free to get ready for work while she gets the kids ready for school as once they are at school, there isn't really that much else for her to do, apart from housework, and before anyone jumps down my throat, if she has opted not to work, then the practical sorting of the kids IS her responsibility, as is ensuring that the kids get ready for school IS her responsibility.

Your responsibility is getting yourself up and ready and on time for work so that you can afford the luxury of having a wife who doesn't work when the kids are at school. She wouldn't be v happy if you lost your job because you were late for work because you were getting your kids dressed. It always surprises me when posters moan about their husbands not pulling their weight when they are at home all day and their husbands are out working hard and earning a crust, the crust that keeps them in a good enough lifestyle to not have to work! If you decide to become a SAHM then your 'work' becomes the kids and the housework!

Roseblossom2 · 10/09/2014 14:06

Completely agree with Spartacus.

Staying at home and doing the housework and child chores as your full time job is less than any couple working full and sharing the house work, children time and chores.

Matildathecat · 10/09/2014 14:31

OP, you haven't given a lot of detail here so on the face of it I'd say, yes, she should be sorting out the kids and letting you do your thing. My DH is up, showered and out within about ten minutes so that in itself surely isn't too hard.

But, are there at her things at play here? Do your children play up badly in the mornings? Are they screaming, bickering, whinging, demanding difficult breakfasts and generally giving her a nightmare before the day has even begun. In that case, yes, I'd be fed up,too to see my DH sort himself out and swan off. Even if I then did have the next few hours to myself to clean, tidy, shop, wash, iron, sort the admin and bath the dog.

Take a look at the whole picture and together work out what the problem is. Could more organisation be done the evening before? Clear kitchen, breakfast things out, bags packed, lunches prepared, homework finished, spellings learned and so much more. If there are behaviour issues look to see what the flash points are and how they can be worked on. These are things that can be shared. Depending on the ages of dc bring them into the discussion and motivate them to cooperate.

One thing above all others is in creating a good day you need a good start. It sounds as if you are currently getting that and for whatever reason your dw feels she isn't, so work out why then hopefully the whole family can enjoy a calmer and pleasanter morning. Smile

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 10/09/2014 14:34

Advice.

How many children have you got and how cooperative are they with their morning routine?
If your wife argues with you every morning then I suggest you two sit and have a conversation about changing and streamlining the morning routine so that everyone can get out of the house in good time and relatively stress free.

My DH is also gone out of the house before anyone else is awake, so I had to work out a routine and make sure that as far as possible everyone stuck to it.
It can't be pleasant for anyone having this constant aggro.

Hope that all helps.