advise needed

[meatpie]

My Wife is a housewife, every morning she argues with me that I get up and have a shower, while she feeds the kids and gets them ready for school, once I finish getting ready (for work) I try and help with dressing the kids.

is she out of order to demand that I help fully, given that after they are at school, she had the day to herself, where as I have a 8 hour stint in front of me?

Is it wrong that I want a shower and a cup of tea, before I leave home?

Why not just get up a little earlier...?

Sparticus and rose blossom clearly live in Stepford. They are your kids too, they are not a job.

Shermouse

Don't get personal it's not necessary. Grow up. I'm not making daft assumptions about you.

Of course they are his kids too and I said that there shouldn't be an issue with his morning routine IF he is putting the work in with her when he gets home.

From the situation I am gathering is that he works fulltime therefore subsidizing the the fact his OH stays at home even while the children are at school. Since he is either at work, or at home once the kids are already at home they both pretty much have equal share of the children at the house minus them coming home from school before him. (All assumptions but we can't ask for his life story)

The fact that he is asking for opinions and getting so many different ones means we all have different views on it.

I work a 45 hr week, I'm up and out before my other half rolls over in bed, and he works 4 hours a day, 20hrs a week. As I'm up so early and out, he does the morning chores before he leaves, then a bit more when he gets back at lunch, When I come home I do more in the evening.

therefor I'm just basing it on personal experience. Far from a perfect life, the man is asking for advice.

My husband is out of the house for 12 hours for work - he gets up at 6. While he showers I sort out the dogs, and he gets DS up when he's dressed. He makes DS breakfast while I shower, then leaves for work when I come back downstairs. We choose to do this because it gives him some time with his son, who as a result sees him as a co parent rather than a Disney Dad. What are your priorities? Have you spent a day in your wife's shoes and seen for yourself what she does during the day?

Everyone seems to be of the opinion meatpie that you do just as little once you are home from work than you do in the morning when you're getting ready, so maybe you could explain to us you teatime/evening and bed time with the children and what you both do then, so we know how much weight you both pull throughout the day.

I am a SAHM and have been for 21years. My DH got up at 6am, got himself ready for the train and left at 645am, not to be seen again until at least 7pm (twice a week) and after 9pm most days.

I got up at 7, got the dc up and ready/breakfasted/dressed/clean and out the door for the school run. I would not question that h helped - he didn't have time, was too early anyway, and it was MY JOB! I did everything, (and yes, it's a FULLTIME job!) and remember begrudging him the 'alone time' on the hours commute as I didn't get much. I never even got to read the paper (on the same day it's printed) whereas he did....

Course, now, I lie in till 715 and they get themselves up and out

OP - all I can offer is that she gets some time to herself at weekends, and you get some child-bonding time.

Sounds like a good deal you have there CaptainMummy :D

Check the birth certificate. Does it have your name there as "father"?? That means you're a PARENT. That means you help raise your children.

So... when you're home and they're home... you jointly raise your children with your wife. This is not "childcare" as they are your children. This is PARENTING.

Get up a bit earlier, take your shower, have a cuppa, then help with all aspects of getting the dcs ready. If you have sons, this sets a good example for them in future when they have families. If you have daughters, this shows them the behaviour they should look for in future partners (someone who is not just all about himself).

I agree with the comments about parenting being the responsibility of both of you, I personally can understand that whom ever is off to work in the household needs five minutes in a morning to come around before they go, I am quite certain (as SAHM with twins before I returned to work) that she certainly DOES NOT sit on her arse all day as another OP quipped [totally get what you are saying btw Other poster]. At the same time I always found Balamory provided tea o'clock for me when I was at home! a well earned break for ten minutes. She probably is just bored to death of the routine of it all, yes you have an 8hr stint, she has a bloody long day of bickering and chores and the school run to negotiate! I can see both sides. At least you are around to help, my poor husband leaves at 6.20am and returns about 8pm, he would love to be around for their breakfast, he works 12hrs a day before the 2 hr commute there ands back....

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore

I think you are missing the point that one of them works full time, and the other doesn't work at all.

Maybe he should suggest they both work part time and be away at work equally and both be equal at home too? That is the only way you nasty comment about him not being a father would work and make things an equal fairy tale.

Then they can both then spend equal time with the children in the morning, and in the evening, both split the house work, and the quality time with children, and everything will be hunky dory...

or not....

he's just asking about the mornings. Not his role as a father.

Really? Because I thought his role as a father was pretty much any time he was with the kids. Equal parents. I don't recall him saying they both split the time with the children in the evening. He's not mentioned how much quality time he spends with them. He's avoided any mention of how much time he spends with them or how much actual "parenting" he does. So yes, I think it's well justified to comment.

He asked for advice. I gave some. I presume he is an adult and doesn't need you to speak for him or defend him.

Not sure about it being a 'good deal' dizzy. He worked long days, so did I. At one stage I had 3 under 5 and he was still working away for a week a month... And 14 hour days away from us.

He did help when he was there. Not sure how much time you actually have in the morning op, all I'm saying is that time to sit on a train and read that days paper, do a crossword, have an adult lunch, coffee, tea breaks on his own!... Well I was massively envious of that! I know how hellish the commute is, but it seemed idyllic to me, with 3 DC who came with me EVERYWHERE, even to the loo. I suspect your DW really, really would like just 5 minutes of a morning to read a paper, have a coffee in peace, even just wash and dry her hair without 'helping'hands!

I find it strange that you see parenting your children when you are home as 'work' and her job?

When parents are at home they have co responsibility. The whole, what she does when the kids aren't there thing is a whole different matter.

ok, to add a little more detail lol..

I am home-based BUT have to travel to sites at different times of the morning (depending on where I need to be), so if I do have to travel I get up at the necessary time or the same time as my wife 630 if I am working close to home (or at home), when I am at home I feed the kids breakfast and take them to school, and try and pick them up when working from home.

The thing that probably frustrates my wife is that she expects me to do all of this, and my job dictates that things could change without notice, so there is a conflict between what my wife has become used to, and the reality of my work life.

Things would be so much more simple if I worked 9-5 and traveled to an office everyday.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore

Get yourself an attitude transplant

meatpie
If your job requires you to be at different places irregularly at different times then it's just something that has to be done.

Would your wife want to get "used to" getting a job herself and you both splitting the time equally so you can get a job that is more convenient and regular for her in terms of child care?

Probably not...

I've said that to her, it just ends up in an argument, the problem is she can't get a job, cause I often work late and unpredictable hours.

This is not something you can resolve on a message board OP. The opinions on MN are not going to win the day. You and your DW have to approach this as a team the way I hope you do everything else. If the morning schedule conversation always ends up as an argument, does the same thing happen with other things you disagree upon? Or can you normally hold differing opinions without coming to blows?

Consider going to couples counselling and finding ways to express feelings and reach compromise without it becoming heated.

I think you are missing the point that one of them works full time, and the other doesn't work at all.

Really? I'd like his wife to read that comment.

Nanny0gg

She can feel free to read it.

The fact is two full time working people in a relationship have the SAME amount of house work as a relationship where one of them stays at home and does the house work instead of after work.

We all have house work to do, I do even though I work 45 hours a week. unfortunately my house work isn't part of my profession so I do that on top of my work.

It also states the kids are at school. So she has a child free day with the house work.

Working couples who's children go to school pick the kids up, come home, THEN do all the chores that the stay at home people do through the day.

People don't come to the house dropping off extra work that us working people don't have to do.

Sick of hearing about it being a real job. I don't mind people staying at home if finances suit it, and they work bloody hard, I know I do when I'm doing all the house work. But it doesn't mean that it's a job in its own right.

I don't care how many feathers I ruffle saying that.

The husband also states he works from home and chips in with the house work and child work - but sometimes his work pattern means he can not do the morning routine all the time.

Good grief Dizzy you certainly are overly invested in this, aren't you?

OP - if she can't get a job due to your hours of work, how can you reasonably nitpick that she isn't working while you are? Do you really not see how that doesn't make sense?

I do think you need to have a conversation with her - but not along the lines of "what the flaming heck do you do all day?" because that's a fast track to nowhere. And it's insulting.

Being a parent is something you BOTH should be doing - if you are both home, you are BOTH parents - hence sharing the tasks.

But she is obviously upset about something specific in the morning routine, so perhaps a non-confrontational discussion about it would be more helpful.

I highly doubt that she literally does nothing all day while you're working. I don't work, have 2 children, and I spend my time cleaning, baking, cooking, running errands, taking the dcs to various appointments, doing odd things here and there like (for example) taking the car in to get a tyre replaced tomorrow and then to the other car place to get the brakes checked. These kind of little things take time. Then there's laundry, washing up. School runs in the afternoon. And then when the kids are home, it's helping with homework, monitoring them, breaking up arguments, organising a snack, getting tea ready, tidying up, baths, bedtime schedules, etc etc

So her work schedule may not be 9-5, but it starts early and goes late, even if she or the kids are ill, every day even on weekends (extra time because on weekends they're home all day). So I think you need to re-evaluate why you think she has the day to herself - because I'll bet she has a list of things to do a mile long that you're not even aware of.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore

I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to respond to people who respond to my comments.

Sorry I shall leave and refer to the number of comments or discussions allowed in a thread.

Was I allowed to answer that or does the extra comment mean I get another shitty remark from you?

I remembered why I stopped coming to this site.

Toodles.

It can be very mundane to do all the routine by yourself. perhaps she feels frustration as it sounds from what you posted that the hours of your job are preventing her from having a career.

Dizzy wow. Good grief. As I said, I think you're a bit overinvested in this one. Relax.

I think there is still not enough detail to know who (if anyone) is being unreasonable. Certainly if you are working away so have to leave at eg 6am then she shouldn't complain about having to manage herself on those days.

I think the key thing is that you both get up at the same time, early enough for everyone to get ready. I'd be really pissed off if I had to get up at 6.30 to get everything sorted by 8.30, while DH had a lie in til 7.30 then got himself ready & swanned off at 8am. But this doesn't sound like the case here. I'm wondering if the DW doesn't have access to a car so if OP doesn't take the kids to school it means she has to be ready earlier on the days when she already has to get the kids ready on her own?

How many children are there & how old are they as this also makes a big difference?

The best solution is to agree a timetable of who does what and at what time in the morning to make sure it's fair & efficient. Is there anything that can be done the night before (such as putting out clothes, school bags etc) to make life easier? The fact that she isn't going to work is a red herring as it's the children who need to be washed, fed and at school on time.