Can’t sleep because of a girl

[Theanonguy]

Hi I'm a 27 year old guy but I thought I'd ask Mumsnet since you might have some good ideas on what to do re the girl.

This has to stop now. I’ve been seeing a girl for 3 weeks now and whilst I’m really quite fond of her, what has tied in almost exactly is a distinct loss of sleep. I’ve gone from about 7 hours to 4-5 hours, every night, day after day. I’ve gone from usually passing out at 10:30/11 and waking up at 6:30 to going to sleep at about 10 and then waking up at about 2am and from then on its patchy sleep until about 5:30 after which I can’t go back to sleep.

Shes quite paranoid because shes been messed about before which I think is part of the attraction for me, shes real sweet, bombarding me with texts full of x’s and this started from day one, day after day. I don’t know quite what I’ve gotten myself into but thinking about not seeing her just plain sucks in comparison to seeing her.

So is there anything I can do about this? I prepare as well as possible (I think) for bed, eat well, stop tv etc at 8:30pm, get in bed at 9:30 but it makes no difference to my sleep after 2am. I am sleeping very well from 10pm to 2am which is what’s keeping my fit enough to do my job but I know my work IS suffering which is ultimately the main importance in my life by a mile.

I’ve taken a day off work today to fix this and I’ll be asking this on many forums + seeing the doc today. Thanks for any advice.

How is she responsible for your lack of sleep?

Good question!

And why are you attracted to her because "she's been messed about before"? That's a bit dark.

Loss of sleep usually stems from stress, over-stimulation or anxiety. Things like that. If you're three weeks into a new relationship, that's pretty exciting. Not necessarily abnormal, therefore, and should settle down quickly.

However, being bombarded with texts and so forth from someone you describe as 'paranoid' sounds very full-on and, if she's rushing things at a pace you're not comfortable with, that can lead to stress. People who behave that way are often not 'sweet' - or they turn out to only be sweet when you're giving them all your attention. If they think you're wavering they can get quite irrational. Not respond to a text quickly enough and all hell breaks loose, for example. Anything like that going on yet?

I would tell this girl that you like her but she has to cool her engines. If she is a decent person, she should respect your boundaries. If she really is paranoid... put your tin hat on.

Whys it dark that I'm attracted to a girl because shes sweet? You sound dark for suggesting that.

I'm not blaming her, I'm blaming the fact that I'm certain it's because of her that I can't sleep. We had a patchy 3 days over the 3 weeks and suddenly I could sleep again.

Thanks CogitoErgoSometimes, yes something like that is going on. The amount of x's etc I get correlates a lot to the swiftness of my response etc. I am going to have to talk to her about it.

I don't think it's 'dark'. Someone who presents themselves as vulnerable can bring out the protective, rescuing side in someone. Not necessarily a bad thing but do be very cautious of getting involved with anyone who badmouths exes as a way to manipulate the new guy. 'He was such a bastard.... not like you'. It sounds flattering but it can come back to bite you.

What does 'a patchy 3 days' mean, exactly.?

You say "Shes quite paranoid because shes been messed about before which I think is part of the attraction for me".

Can you not see how that seems a bit off?

I'm wondering if deep down you know you are out of your depth with her and it is affecting your sleep?

She is paranoid and bombarding you day in day out with texts from the off.

If she has been messed around and is insecure then you could be in for a disasterous time unless you are very careful. You may end up being accused of all sorts when you have done nothing.

Make sure you have well placed boundaries.

By patchy 3 days, we had a disagreement and it seemed like it was off but suddenly it got better again.

Yes plantsandflowers, followed by "shes real sweet". It is her paranoia over being messed about that leads her to making a lot of texts full of compliments and x's. It's really over the top but it's also real cute to me.......... -.-

Do you see her every day?
It sounds as though this is getting too intense too fast. Can you slow it down and let her know that her attention is making you feel bombarded?

@PlantsandFlowers.... some people are drawn to women and men that claim to have been hurt by previous relationships (or a bad childhood, a difficult family, money problems, you name it). They are attracted by the idea that they can rescue this person with love and kindness. It doesn't necessarily mean they are preying on the vulnerable in a sinister way.

Yes magoria, I think like I said I'm going to have to talk to her a bout this. I hope she can see reason but part of me wonders whether she'll catastrophize and think I'm trying to slowly call it off. Sigh.... maybe it would be for the best.

What was the disagreement about? Did the 'paranoia' feature in it? Who caved first?

Yes TheHouseatWhoCorner, I failed to mention that we actually work in the same building. It's a big building with lots of people but we at least catch a glimpse of each other every day. Plus work has a social messaging service so we're chatting there too.....

The disagreement was we went out for a meal and a movie and at the end I may have suggested her coming back to my place, to which she kinda freaked out about. That was less than a week ago so I don't think it was too soon.....

Being attracted to someone because you have similar interests, find each other physically attractive, have the same world view etc is one thing.

Being attracted to someone as they're paranoid and have been messed around before rings alarm bells, it just does. It sounds creepy.

...and you're taking a day off work to ask what to do on various forums.

Okaaaaaaaaaaay.

3 weeks? Surely being this intense and having sleep issues after 3 weeks doesn't bode well. And you've even broken up in this time too. I may not be the right person to comment though as someone texting me every day from the off would have me running for the hills.
I agree, slow it down, date, have fun, get to know each other. This all seems way too much, too fast.

This is a strange thread ..

Thanks Polly. You're right and if I we're looking at this from outside I think I might be laughing. I think I need to put this all on the back burner and if that isn't good enough for her then so be it.

I think, sadly, someone like this girl is going to either be 'on' or 'off'. If you really like her it's worth having the 'slow it down' conversation but then judge what happens next based on her reaction. As you work in the same building it's going to be interesting.

Yeah it sounds like it. I was interested to get people's reactions and just reading them along with my comments makes me think this aint good. Bah, oh well.

Does Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly still answer problems in The Guardian? She can usually respond to trivial enquiries with just the right amount of nonsensical but mildly titillating indulgence- it could mean you save hours of time on popular parenting sites, and thus get back to work with your problem solved before they start drawing up the next round of redundancies.

Well I don't think I'll be fired just yet since I just got promoted. I decided to take just a half day off today instead. I'll look up Dr Connolly but for now I got to get her off my mind (shes on my mind a lot!) and just focus on work full stop.