Is this a non-starter or am I being paranoid?

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

I met a guy online and we have been seeing each other for 3 months.

We have loads in common, and get on really well. We have similar views and opinions on most things, and he is successful within his profession with a nice house etc. He has 2 dc (as do I), and he is absolutely devoted to them and has joint residency despite them living in another country.

His dc stayed for 6 weeks over the summer, so obviously during that time we didn't see much of each other, as it's way too early for them (or mine) to know we are together. However we did meet a few times with the dc, who all just think me and him are friends.

We talk to each other pretty much every day on the phone, for around an hour usually. But here's the problem:

We hardly get any time to actually spend with each other. To begin with, apart from when his dc have been staying, we would see each other a couple of times a week. Generally, he turns up/I go to his, we drink too much wine, have sex, pass out, then in the morning he usually has to make a sharp exit to work or something (he is self employed so works irregular hours). However this seems to have petered out to once a week now, as he is busy with work or other stuff. Well that's what he says anyway, but for example on Saturday night he came over, an hour late, and said that the friend he was supposed to see that day had cancelled so he'd not really been doing much all day. And that friend had rearranged for the next day, so he had to rush off as per usual in the morning. So I got my usual 12 hour slot, over half of which we were asleep.

There's loads of stuff we haven't done. We haven't been for a meal (or anywhere public without the dc). We've never sat down and watched tv together. Normal things. We just see to drink, have sex, and sleep.

I know he is being super cautious about getting too heavy too quickly because of his dc, which I understand, and it is tricky as we are both single parents (though him only part time). But this does not follow the pattern of every other relationship I've been in, where you hit it off, then spend as much time as you can together. There's been quite a few occasions where there's been nothing to stop him jumping in the car and coming to see me, but he hasn't. It seems like his list of priorities goes like this:

1. his dc
2. his work
3. his existing friends
4. me

I feel like I just get chucked a scrap of time here and there, and I don't really matter to him that much. He doesn't give much away in terms of what he thinks/feels about me, he is very guarded like that. He was hurt very badly by his ex so I can understand that too. But it doesn't make me feel great about myself.

Is this way too early days to be worrying like this? It just doesn't feel like any other relationship I've ever been in, that said they were all car crashes so maybe that's not a bad thing. I really, really like and respect him, and worry that I am setting myself up to get hurt here. Do you reckon he's taking it slowly or genuinely not that into me?

This is what I would term a booty call

That's ok if it's what you both want.

But it's not.

I think you're right to be worried! Are you sure he's single?
First thing, have you been to his?

Oh sorry, just re-read your post and seen you have been to his.
As ever, I think AnyFucker has hit the nail on the head...

Yes he is definitely single! I have been to his, and also looked after his dc for him one day while he was working, and they would definitely have dropped him in it if he was with someone. Also, we speak on the phone every night for an hour or so, so if he is seeing someone else then he doesn't ever see them during the evenings!

I read a quote on here recently that made a lot of sense to me. It went something like, you'll know if a guy likes you, because he'll be around.

I think you've answered your own question here...you're not high on his list of priorities. I wonder if you've moved too quickly into the 'comfort zone', where you're convenient and available for him to enjoy but not worth much additional effort?

I don't know what my advice is worth but in your shoes I'd be cooling off somewhat, to see what his reaction is.

But with a booty call would you go through the bother of talking so much on the phone?! I certainly wouldn't have with any of the people I have just been using for sex in the past!

Hmm yes that quote is what my niggling doubt is I guess, mairzy.

I have tried cooling off in the sense that I don't call him, and he does call me (generally, though I have no idea where the bloody hell he is tonight).

I know with my last relationship, we moved heaven an earth to make sure we could spend the whole of every weekend together, despite living 200 miles apart. I compare what's happening now to that and I worry.

That said, he was an impulsive tosser who tuned out to be a nightmare. I am also guilty of jumping into relationships too deeply, too quickly, and so I am confused as to whether this is more of a normal and mature way of doing things, or whether he just doesn't give a shit.

Sorry to say but he's just not into you enough - you're more booty call than gf... If he wanted to be with you he would. At this point I would say that he should be putting you ahead of time with his mates more often than not.

Talking to you on the phone is just whiling away time. How far away is he? Honestly even an hour's drive away doesn't stop sleepovers or popping over for a couple of hours in the week.

That's what I'm thinking too :(

He lives an hour away.

Maybe somewhere in-between a 'friend with benefits' and a 'booty call', then?

I think things have fallen (too quickly) into a pattern where he doesn't expect to do anything more than drink/shag/sleep. If you want something different, then you'll need to break the pattern. Next time he wants to come over tell him instead 'let's meet for a bite then go to the movies'. The not going out and doing things together in public is a red flag to me. Not necessarily that he's involved with someone else or married, just that he may be a skinflint or maybe that I'm not important enough to him to take out in public.

Frankly, if I considered someone 'more than just a friend'/potential love interest and he told me that a friend had cancelled on him and he STILL showed up an hour late for our 'date' I'd be insulted. Not that I would necessarily expect him to ring me immediately and make plans for the day (sometimes it's nice to have a day to yourself), but just that I would expect him to be on time since he wasn't doing anything else.

I suspect he is into you in his own little way but hes set into his own little world? You obviously arent happy with the way things are going so you need to tell him and see his reaction hopefully will either make him make more of an effort or be honest with you.

Ive been in the situation where work and kids are effecting the time we spend together and had plenty of nights like you discribed but after about the 3 month mark we started to make more of an effort to make time

I have made a few little snarky comments about how I feel but in a jokey way, I think I do need to sit him down for a chat about where this is going. I'd rather cut my losses now if this is his idea of an ideal relationship.

He has never had a relationship with anyone with kids before, unbelievably at the age of 47. Apart from the mother of his dc, obviously!

I would expect to start doing things like meals out / cinema / gigs pretty much straight away, as part of the initial "dating" stuff, tbh. You can still come home and shag afterwards

Did either of you suggest those kind of things in the early days?

Three months in I'd be hoping to start planning things like a weekend away, for eg - requires a bit more effort / co-ordination when you have DC, but also therefore demonstrates a bit of willingness and commitment to take things to the next level.

You really need to spend more lengthy periods of time with someone if possible to know whether you actually to, iyswim.

I'd also have been annoyed if someone arrived an hour late and then told me they'd been doing nothing all day

I'm afraid I agree he's either a rather lazy / boring person or he's just not that bothered. Sorry

Please don't make snarky, sarcastic or pissed off comments. They're horrible to hear and the message tends to be lost as all he'll hear is the unpleasant tone and the words will tune out.

You need to change your time together so that you're out doing stuff and... shock horror... don't shag him. Do something fun for a couple of hours midway between your homes and then go your separate ways plus you need to talk to him in a grown up but non-heavy way about wanting to spend a whole weekend with him occasionally and seeing more of him.

Don't forget that it needs to be a two-way street though! If there's no improvement, don't make excuses. Leave the relationship so you can find someone you are more compatible with.

Re the late thing, he claims he thought he'd said 9.30, when he'd definitely said 8.30. He's not generally late, so it's possible.

Yes I think I need to be proactive in changing the pattern we've fallen into. To be fair to him, it has been difficult as I rarely get any time away from my youngest dc, she doesn't have a relationship with her father. Also neither of us are going-outty kind of people, though I do like going out for meals etc.

I live in a new area and don't really have any friends nearby, whereas he's got quite a busy life with lots of friends where he is, so I guess I have more time to dwell on what's happening between us than he does.

Bit perturbed as to why he hasn't called tonight. He said he would call me, which he did while I was out earlier. Tried phoning him back, no answer, tried his mobile, no answer. I'm sure there's an innocent explanation but I will go to bed now fretting about why he hasn't phoned me back. Even if there is some kind of crisis, or he has gone to see friends or something, a text wouldn't have gone amiss would it? I hate feeling like this, I feel like I'm powerless and at his mercy.

Oh Lord, I still remember the 'why hasn't he called' 'where is this going' 'does he like me as much as I like him' worries & late night convos with friends. I've been 'off the market' for over 26 years but it looks like things haven't changed much.

Maybe you should try to cultivate new friends in your area? I know it's hard when you have young children, but even a mum & child playgroup (although those can be rough, mum-politics ugh!) or volunteering somewhere would give you something else to do.

Again, I'm old and waaaayyy out of practice on dating protocol, but at 3 months, assuming he has 'couple friends', would it be too soon for you to have been included in something with them?

Or:

1. his dc
2. his work
3. his existing friends
4. sex (happens to be you)

Take away the sex and see what happens. Don't tell him what you are doing. Just don't have sex. See if he hangs around.

I agree with Wrapdress. Stop having sex with him. Next time he contacts you suggest meeting for a meal out or something similar, and always have some excuse or reason for going home alone. Also suggest that you meet up with one of his friends who has a partner, for a drink/meal/invite them to yours, to test if he is willing to put you in a different 'zone' of his life.

The fact that he calls for an hour a night might mean he just wants to keep things going as they are, or that he genuinely enjoys chatting to you as well as the physical side. Even so though, that doesn't mean he sees this developing into anything beyond what it is.

The alternative approach is to just be very upfront with him. Say that you've noticed that you've fallen into the pattern you describe here and ask him calmly if that is basically what he wants from the relationship or if he sees it going anywhere else. Don't indicate what you want till he has answered. If he says he does want things to change, test him on that by expecting real changes to happen within the next couple of weeks if he is to be believed. He could just say whatever to keep you sweet, so actions need to back up his words. If he says actually, what we have now suits me, then (unless you feel the same) tell him that isn't really what you're looking for and it is probably best for you to stop seeing him and move on.

I had a similar "relationship" last year op. We never went out!

I woke up at 3am one morning, realised I was being a bit of a mug, and kicked him out.

Well looks like the choice may have been made for me. I tried calling him again on both his numbers and still no answer. He always has his phone on him so I'm fairly certain I'm being blanked.

I'm really hurt, there was nothing to suggest this was coming, no arguments or anything different to usual.

Also it's just hit home how lonely I am. I have no friends round here, I'm not likely to make any as I'm always here on my own with the kids. I am starting a degree this month, and got an email to say I've been awarded a scholarship, but I've got no one to tell. Tried calling my mum, she's out. My best friend is at work...she is all happy happy as her new man has moved in with her this week. Everyone seems to have a life, except me. I feel like such a loser. Going to take the dog for a long walk because I have nothing else to do.

Congrats on your scholarship!

Oi, pack it in. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You have been seeing this guy for 3 months and now it has fizzled out.

Your life is not over. You are starting a degree, you have a best friend, you have a scholarship, you have a mum and you have children and a dog

Yo don't need a man in the mix. Stop measuring your worth by how much some tosser you met online dating thinks of you. Put two fingers upto him and get on with your life.

Sheesh.

Congratulations on your scholarship AND your plans to get your degree. You DO have a life! One with a great future. Soon you will be involved in learning and improving your circumstances.

Consider that you've probably dodged a bullet. Sounds as if (sad as it may make you feel right now) that he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were. I'm sorry it didn't end up the way you wanted, but at least you only put in 3 months. I expect you feel it more since BFF has a new man. You're entitled to feel sad, but don't waste too much time.

If you feel lonely & haven't made friends, is there some particular thing keeping you where you are? Could you move closer to where your BFF or your family is?

My best friend is just like you! Sounds like a bad case of becoming too invested, too quickly. I'm gonna give you the same advice I give her - STOP THE SEX!

If your still together, seriously try that, and for the love of god stick to it.

Also , go out for a meal together, not a movie, because then he can't escape deep conversation when your both sat down to food. HA!

Tbh you may not have had time to date him when focusing on the scholarship anyway. CONGRATS :)