Is this a non-starter or am I being paranoid?

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

I met a guy online and we have been seeing each other for 3 months.

We have loads in common, and get on really well. We have similar views and opinions on most things, and he is successful within his profession with a nice house etc. He has 2 dc (as do I), and he is absolutely devoted to them and has joint residency despite them living in another country.

His dc stayed for 6 weeks over the summer, so obviously during that time we didn't see much of each other, as it's way too early for them (or mine) to know we are together. However we did meet a few times with the dc, who all just think me and him are friends.

We talk to each other pretty much every day on the phone, for around an hour usually. But here's the problem:

We hardly get any time to actually spend with each other. To begin with, apart from when his dc have been staying, we would see each other a couple of times a week. Generally, he turns up/I go to his, we drink too much wine, have sex, pass out, then in the morning he usually has to make a sharp exit to work or something (he is self employed so works irregular hours). However this seems to have petered out to once a week now, as he is busy with work or other stuff. Well that's what he says anyway, but for example on Saturday night he came over, an hour late, and said that the friend he was supposed to see that day had cancelled so he'd not really been doing much all day. And that friend had rearranged for the next day, so he had to rush off as per usual in the morning. So I got my usual 12 hour slot, over half of which we were asleep.

There's loads of stuff we haven't done. We haven't been for a meal (or anywhere public without the dc). We've never sat down and watched tv together. Normal things. We just see to drink, have sex, and sleep.

I know he is being super cautious about getting too heavy too quickly because of his dc, which I understand, and it is tricky as we are both single parents (though him only part time). But this does not follow the pattern of every other relationship I've been in, where you hit it off, then spend as much time as you can together. There's been quite a few occasions where there's been nothing to stop him jumping in the car and coming to see me, but he hasn't. It seems like his list of priorities goes like this:

1. his dc
2. his work
3. his existing friends
4. me

I feel like I just get chucked a scrap of time here and there, and I don't really matter to him that much. He doesn't give much away in terms of what he thinks/feels about me, he is very guarded like that. He was hurt very badly by his ex so I can understand that too. But it doesn't make me feel great about myself.

Is this way too early days to be worrying like this? It just doesn't feel like any other relationship I've ever been in, that said they were all car crashes so maybe that's not a bad thing. I really, really like and respect him, and worry that I am setting myself up to get hurt here. Do you reckon he's taking it slowly or genuinely not that into me?

Going to be even droopier when I put it in the bin tomorrow.

Suppose I should go and cry myself to get some sleep. I'm going to have the mother of all headaches tomorrow as it is, with all this bloody crying :(

Cheers AnyFucker, you're the only person who has made me smile today! Sleep well.

Think what a narrow escape you've had and bless your luck.

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through, which you do not deserve. But - I have to say this - I'm happy about all the pain you have been spared. Try to imagine how you'd feel about yourself after 30 or 40 years of coming last on this creep's to-do list. Do you really want to be that person? Did you honestly believe it would get better?

He sounds like the classic why-buy-the-cow-when-I-can-get-the-milk-for-free type. Better you learn that now than after you've wasted your life on him.

Use the last of the freebie champagne (if there's any left) to drink a toast to Uni & the DCs & mum & the BF & the dog & new friends & better days ahead. G'nite...

I really thought that's just how he was...that's what he said to me. But no, turns out that's just how he was with me. Because he didn't really like me.

Feel really crap today. Was lying in bed crying until gone 3.30am and I'm crying again now that I've woken up.

Ok, what are you crying for? Him or yourself? What would you say to a friend in this situation?

Both really. I am crying for him because I liked him so much, I thought it was really good between us and I thought at long last I'd found a decent bloke.

I'm crying for me because I am so incredibly lonely. I am so sick of doing everything by myself, having no one to share the ride with. The kids are great but it's just endless...constantly doing things for them with no break.

I really did nothing wrong here. I was caring, attentive, positive, fun to be with, always made a big effort with my appearance. I really could not have done more. I wanted it to work out so much. But I wasn't good enough for him. It seems like the only men who I can retain are abusive shit bags, the decent ones don't want to know. My confidence is at an all time low. Why would anyone worth having want me? I'm a single mum with 2 kids with 2 different dads, living in a council house, completely skint. I have a psycho ex who poses a massive threat. I'm not really a catch am I? I guess the sensible thing to do would be to give up on men, but I am just so fucking lonely.

I am also sad for dd2 as she got to know him quite well, and she thought he was the bees knees. I never get any time away from her so There wasn't too much choice there, although as far as she is aware, he is my friend. She loved going to his house and loved his dc. Now she won't see him again, just like she won't see my ex of 2.5 years who she thought of as her dad, or her real dad who she has not seen since she was a toddler as he is prohibited by the court to see her. I took a gamble on this guy because he was such a nice, sorted, together bloke, maybe he still is, he just doesn't fancy me or whatever, I don't know.

He wants to be friends but I would find that really hard. But I kind of feel like I owe it to dd2 to maybe phase him out a bit more gradually. I really don't know what is best. She already has Halloween all planned out, which is when his dc are next visiting. She is like an elephant, she doesn't forget.

*We hardly get any time to actually spend with each other. To begin with, apart from when his dc have been staying, we would see each other a couple of times a week. Generally, he turns up/I go to his, we drink too much wine, have sex, pass out, then in the morning he usually has to make a sharp exit to work or something (he is self employed so works irregular hours). However this seems to have petered out to once a week now, as he is busy with work or other stuff. Well that's what he says anyway, but for example on Saturday night he came over, an hour late, and said that the friend he was supposed to see that day had cancelled so he'd not really been doing much all day. And that friend had rearranged for the next day, so he had to rush off as per usual in the morning. So I got my usual 12 hour slot, over half of which we were asleep.

There's loads of stuff we haven't done. We haven't been for a meal (or anywhere public without the dc). We've never sat down and watched tv together. Normal things. We just see to drink, have sex, and sleep.

I know he is being super cautious about getting too heavy too quickly because of his dc, which I understand, and it is tricky as we are both single parents (though him only part time). But this does not follow the pattern of every other relationship I've been in, where you hit it off, then spend as much time as you can together. There's been quite a few occasions where there's been nothing to stop him jumping in the car and coming to see me, but he hasn't. It seems like his list of priorities goes like this:

1. his dc
2. his work
3. his existing friends
4. me

I feel like I just get chucked a scrap of time here and there, and I don't really matter to him that much. He doesn't give much away in terms of what he thinks/feels about me, he is very guarded like that. He was hurt very badly by his ex so I can understand that too. But it doesn't make me feel great about myself.*

This was from your first op. It was not that you were not good enough for him - he was not good enough for you. Re-read your original op. Re-read it again. He was not good enough for you. Raise your bar - you deserve to have someone who is also caring, attentive, positive, fun to be with, always made a big effort with my (his) appearance. Do not settle for anything less than you can give of yourself.

Don't cry over him. He was not worth it.

Whether or not that's what I'm worth, the chances of anyone like that actually wanting to be with me I think are quite remote.

I've had hell of a lot of hurt and emotional damage the last few years, and I really laid myself on the line with this one, which was a big risk for me. What happened yesterday seems to have been a catalyst for opening up all those old wounds and feelings of worthlessness.

Littlefluffy you need to arm your clouds with some steel! You are worth someone like that. You can be like that so why would someone not want to be that with you?

Hi op hope your ok.. Well he sounds like a right prick.. I came across a couple like him when I was using an online dating site they actually sleep with a couple at a time hence the not having much time and not answering the phone etc.. They are trying to re-live their twenties and trying to be some kind of player and they are never a very good shag anyway! it's quite sad really.. You had a lucky escape his ego probably would have ruined things anyway Chin up lovely

Because of the reasons I gave above. I'm not a catch. I have made some crap decisions in life and now I'm paying the consequences.

I think dd2 would put most men off. I suspect that is what put the last one off. He said it felt 'too full on' between us and I think he must have been referring to the fact that dd2 was forming an attachment to him. She doesn't have any kind of father figure and I think that's quite intimidating for men. U

Littlefluffy stop. Listen, I made some really, really, REALLY crap decisions in my life. Some so awful that I'm ashamed to even think of them and will NEVER discuss them with anyone (dealt with them through therapy). The consequences of those decisions are in the past, as are yours. The only thing left from them are the valuable lessons I learned. The same is true for you. Please don't let the 'mistakes' of the past drag you down or make you feel you don't deserve a good future.

You ARE a catch, you just haven't nibbled on the right 'bait' yet. And at the risk of sounding like my darling mother (who actually was very wise and right most all of the time) you have to be ready for Mr Right and right now you aren't ready. You need to love yourself first. You need to accept yourself as you are, warts and all. When you do you will be ready and be able to hold your heart in until a man has proven himself to you. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but it's really true, at least it was for me. Sigh, all that money I spent on therapy when all I needed to do was listen to my mother .

Look forwards not back, you have so much coming up in your life.

Look, if he didn't want a little girl forming an "attachment" to him, he didn't need to behave in a way that promoted it, did he ?

Stop blaming yourself

I know what you are saying about loving myself but I don't know where to start. I had to move away from the area I lived in for 10 years, and not one of my friends that I had there has ever bothered to call or text me since. I haven't made any friends in the area I have lived in for over a year. I did an access course last year and the people on it just didn't like me, and I have no idea why. I am friendly, I listen to people and I think I am a good conversationalist, but people just seem to act like I don't exist. I have two good friends from school that I still speak to a lot and a few friends that I will be ring for an occasional chat. Pretty crap for 33 years on the planet. And now I am racking my brains to think what is wrong with me, of course I am plagued with self doubt but I am good at putting on a front, and I can honestly say that in this last relationship I didn't let on at all about how I really feel about life, I only do that with people I know really well. I was just fun, upbeat and bubbly and (I like to think) fairly humorous.

Yes he did act in a way that promoted it but I guess he didn't have a choice about that as she is always there. He was really kind, for instance when we'd only been seeing each other a few weeks it was dd2's birthday, and before we came over he went into town and got her some little presents, and had them waiting for her all wrapped up. I picked her up from school today, and she got a comic in the shop, and the first thing she said was that she was going to show x and y, his dc, and when were we going to his house so she could show them. I gave a vague answer but the truth is she won't see any of them again, and I'm so sad for her. She had to make a little book about her family and friends and stuff before she started reception, and on the friends page she put a picture of him and his dc. She won't forget in a hurry and I don't know what to say to her.

Don't worry about 'loving' yourself for now. Just begin trying to accept yourself for who you are, warts and all. Accepting means not actively having negative feelings about things you do or think. It means 'well, that's me right now'. Once you accept yourself you can move to slowly changing the things about yourself you wish to change. Or just fully accept that you DO love yourself, just the way you are. It all takes time, counseling can help.

You have two good friends and several 'regular' friends. Obviously, you are able to make and keep friends, so there's nothing 'wrong' with you. Making new friends as adults isn't as easy as it was when we were children. Children so readily accept other children into their games and play. Adults have their set lives and circles of already established friends. We also seem to be more resistant to change. Not that new people can't become part of their lives, just that it's harder. I think you actively have to pursue a friendship, invites to lunch, asking for help with a work or school assignment, that sort of thing. It's a bit more like encouraging a romance, really. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. You just have to remember that 'it's not you, it's them'.

I think one of the things about us yanks is that we make acquaintances pretty easily, & things may or may not progress from there to friendship. We'll strike up a conversation with a complete stranger in a queue, on a plane, standing on a corner, or in the veggie aisle. If we find out we have things in common, we'll say 'hey, you wanna grab a coffee/drink?' or 'yes, I wanted to see that show/exhibit, too. Shall we meet up?'. My understanding that that it isn't quite so easy in the UK.

It's not that easy here no! People look at you like you're bonkers if you do that kind of thing here.

I do go through phases where I make a real effort to make new friends, and reacquaint myself with old ones. I never seem to get very far though, and then I run out of steam.

Oh Clouds, you ARE a catch! You're articulate, empathic and they don't hand out scholarships to just anyone so you must be hella smart to boot!

This man has legged it because he is a wanker, period. Nothing you or your daughter did caused this. By the way, he really left no cliche unturned with his little speech, didn't he? It read like an amalgam of all the breakup converstions I had with my teenage exes!

When the time is right and if it's what you want, you will meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve.

DH and I mtarted dating when my DS1 was three. DS1's birth father had been out of the picture (by his choice) since DS1 was one. From their first meeting ( like you, I only introduced him as a friend), DS1 obviously thought DH was brilliant

And you know what? It didn't put DH off one bit; in fact, he thought DS1 was just as brilliant.We've been married three years now, have toddler DS2 and DH is on the way to adopting DS1.

I'm not telling you this to brag. The point I'm trying to make is that this is not special. This is how any man of character who has a regard for the feelings of other people besides himself and who loves you would behave.

This guy was out for himself and unworthy of you. Think of this as the universe telling you that your life is going to take off so time to purge the dead weight.

I honestly don't think it would have made any difference what you did, whether you showed your anxieties or projected major confidence and happiness. It wasn't anything wrong with you. He has said himself that he likes talking to you, and he obviously liked sleeping with you. I suspect he just wasn't at a time/place where he was looking for a proper relationship. As they said on SATC 'his light wasn't on' (the theory that people are like taxis and have to meet when someone is looking for the same thing, or something ..).

There is also always a chance that someone likes us as a person, and is attracted to us physically, but just doesn't feel that certain something that makes them think it can work long term. That does not mean anything would be 'wrong' with you, there are lots of people who are stunning and wonderful and desirable but not everyone will always feel an intense connection. In fact the person they have broken up with may go on to feel that connection and love with someone less objectively attractive or eligible, because it is just there.

It could also be due to some other preference of his, that does not reflect on you, such as hesitancy about getting involved with a family. Again, that is about him - you don't have to apologise for having your lovely dc. They are part of the deal if anything is long term.

So there are a multitude of reasons that don't mean anything bad about you. That might not ease the hurt initially, but it does mean it is pointless to analyse what you did wrong. Remember that whatever the case may be, your worth is never defined by what someone else thinks of you or how they treat you.

Sorry to double post, obviously I don't know the full story but I agree it looks like he was prepared to get what he wanted from you and was careless of the consequences for your feelings or for your dc. Not the kind of man you need around, nowhere near good enough. It would have been great if he'd turned out to be someone other than that, but unfortunately that's who he actually is, not much of a catch.

Did you say he was 47 and you're 33? I'm not against age gaps at all if people fall in love, but they can be less than ideal. He was too old for you really.

Thanks for the kind, reassuring words, both of you.

Yes he was 47, but lied on his profile and said he was 40! Only found the truth out when I did some online digging. I decided to overlook it as I really liked him, and I have been out with guys older than him (daddy issues!)

Well I've drunk most of a bottle of wine (thanks ocado) and I'm off the wagon and back on the fags, so feeling much better right now.

'Attagirl!

Do you know what fluff.? You sound really similar to me. I've just been dumped and not that I would rush into online dating. .. I can't. I have my children all the time no babysitters. My friends are all coupled up.
The loneliness is crushing and there feels like little hope of ever being in a relationship. On your bright side is university and a whole new world. Im sorry about the pain that goes with a break up. and hope you feel more positive soon. Its the weekend so it is and a new start next week

It's rubbish isn't it? :( apart from a couple of festivals over the summer (where I had the kids), I haven't had a night out anywhere since may.

However! I messaged the only friend I have made since I moved here (not really a close friend, we have only seen each other 3 times) and I will hopefully be going out with her and her friend tomorrow night, as long as my mum will babysit. Fingers crossed! Then on Wednesday I am going out for a meal with people from uni (I haven't met any of them yet). So I am making an effort.

Still feel very sad. Dd2 has only been awake half an hour and has already asked when we are going to see my ex twice :(

My house looks like a bombs hit it and I've spent the last few days mostly in bed crying. I've can't remember ever feeling this upset about a relationship being over. I need to get a grip. Doesn't help that dd2 has spent all afternoon drawing pictures of ex's dc and obsessively talking about when we next see them. I just had to tell her that my ex doesn't want to be my friend anymore so I'm not sure when we will be seeing them again.

Went on to fb last night, luckily he isn't on there so I don't have the politics of do we delete each other etc to deal with, but of the adverts that came up on my newsfeed, two were photos taken by him (he's a photographer and works for a lot of huge brands). There is no escape. I am trying not to dwell in it but it's really not easy.

I am falling asleep here whilst mn-ing but I just want to say I completely understand your emotions. Be kind to yourself drink (not too much) I will post again tomorrow.
This too shall pass. I also feel shit and low.