H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

Just a reminder to you all of our talk guidelines
Hope you are okay Op
Thanks

MNHQ

[SnakeyMcBadass]

If this is genuine, I hope your children are close. Because they'll need each other. Your inaction in unforgivable.

[WanderingTrolley1]

I'm becoming more enraged the longer this thread goes on.

Your poor children :(

[OooOooTheMonkey]

Unbelievable. You're priorities are warped OP. Protect your children for gods sake. Your poor son.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Aww 12 years old. My Goodness O.P he's not much more than a baby. I will freely admit I have tears in my eyes. I hate children being hurt how anyone could harm a defenceless child let alone their own is way beyond mine and I don't doubt everyone on this thread's comprehension. I am so glad you are planning on divorce. I promise you life as a single mum will certainly be better than the life you and your d.c's are living now.
If he's away for 2 weeks see that as a God send as you have the perfect opportunity to get away. Call Women's aid if you have no relatives you can go to.

[borisgudanov]

I was routinely beaten up by my father who was a violent angry bastard and s repulsive bully. My mother refused to rock the boat. Forty years later I still despise the sight of the fucking pair of them and they have practically no access to their DGCs. Is that where you want to be when you're 80?

[MarshaBrady]

Deletion Really? How ridiculous.

Ffs and inconsistent.

Op you need to protect your ds.

[Tiredemma]

I'm flipping between feeling enraged and sad. This 12 year old boy with a bullying fuck of a father, a spineless mother and can't even escape to school for reprieve. For God's sake 'professional couple'? The type SS don't tend to 'sniff out'??
I hope to God this is a troll thread

[RalphGnu]

And please note that SS are not awful child-stealers who would whisk away your kids if you reported to the police. In situations like this IF the police contacted them they would actually be helpful to you if you can demonstrate that you're taking the proper steps to keep him away from them and make their welfare your priority. It would work in your favour if he applied for contact.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Yes I got deleted too

Don't worry mn op is just fine and dandy. She's got her and her husbands career to look after you know.

(Oh and some children but they aren't that important anyway)

[Shockers]

OP, if a stranger had done what your husband did, would you have been enraged? Called the police? Wanted to protect your son?

[EllaFitzgerald]

If his "horseplay" results in your children crying, then I'd suggest they've been at physical risk for some time.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're concerned about earning potential being damaged by an arrest because you have a mortgage to pay and you're worried about how you'll be able to support the children on a lower income. As someone else suggested, your priorities are a little skewed here. Try thinking about the relationship you'll have with your children as they grow up and realise you wouldn't protect them. It doesn't matter if you're in emergency accommodation. Your children have the right to be safe from physical violence. What on earth will you do if one of your children tells a teacher, or a friend, who then tells their parents? How will you explain putting your professional lives above your children's safety?

I very much doubt others would understand the situation Actually, I very much doubt that there aren't at least a few dozen women reading the thread that have gone through exactly the same thing.

[ouryve]

I am planning on separation/divorce, (there's no way this is going to get better with "a bit of therapy" or a few sessions at relate) but have reasons for staying at present. I very much doubt others would understand the situation and I'm not wanting to out myself but I've never considered the kids physically at risk before although h is always rough in his horseplay with them which can end in tears and I make the kids aware that h's behaviour is not acceptable when he's being an arse about something and exactly why. The kids are pretty much my sole responsibility unless h is in the mood for playing daddy and time spent with him usually involves him buying them stuff or paying for an exciting activity of some sort.

You really need to reconsider this, now you know that the kids are well and truly at risk. Do your reasons for staying really outweigh the way your DH behaved towards your DS, on Sunday? I know you're concerned about finances, but kids are more likely to grow up wishing they hadn't been bullied and physically attacked by their parents than wishing they'd had more money.

[FlossyMoo]

MNHQ you really need to delete this thread. It is going to get worse. The OP is clearly not interested in taking any advice and I am not convinced it is real. Send the OP an e-mail with support help line numbers and delete the thread.

[marne2]

I hope to god this isn't real and op is a troll , if not, OP please put your children before anything else, before H and before yourself, if you don't get away from this man now your children will never forgive you, no parent should ever lay a finger on their children, what your H did was physical abuse and it needs to be reported, you need to get out and put your children's safety before anything else.

[LEMmingaround]

Oh. You are worried about your careers and earning capacity, not to mention what people will think? Id say what people would think but id only get deleted. Id go and live in a fucking hostel on benefits before i let that alcoholic bully anywhere near my children...but hey. It must be hard when you have a professional lifestyle to protect

[PacificDogwood]

I think OP got the message and it's now getting too emotive for my liking here now.

I think if you reread your own posts, thelineiswhere, you might be able to see what we are all seeing. Strength and fortitude to you - your children need you.

[ilovelamp82]

Your poor children. Please call the police. They need to be protected.

[GoggleFox]

OP - hope you are still reading. As you had to ask the question as to whether your H has crossed a line by headbutting your son, the lines between what is acceptable and what is not have clearly become very blurred in your mind. This might have happened for a number of reasons: denial, confusion, fear, anger, worry, etc. The main thing is that you take immediate steps to protect your children rather than pondering this question as it is already too late. Can you gather up your children while your husband is away and take them to a women's refuge? Ask them to help you explain what has been going on and to phone the police. Don't worry for not about income, loss of face, etc., all that is secondary. Don't worry if your children are incredulous about what you are doing, you can explain it later with professional help from the refuge and/or social services if they get involved. Refuse to be judged but make up your own mind now to protect your children, it really is a choice you have to make today. I will be thinking of you.

[RalphGnu]

The OP's hardly likely to return for support and advice if everyone's sticking the boot in - it's helping nobody.

[HeySoulSister]

So you divorce him..... Then ( without proof of this occasion happening) he will have contact. Where he can head it your son again

Or

You can report this and be assured there's a paper trail so contact is assessed

[AnyFucker]

The children would not be incredulous if OP took action.

OP needs to do that, before someone else takes the initiative out of her hands.

I asked at the beginning of the thread if the son that was headbutted has been in school since Sunday. It is a matter of time before this goes wide open, and then OP will find her tenuous "control" of the situation is only so much dust.

[SlicedAndDiced]

I can't believe some people are reading ops latest post....and still thinking op is interested in support or advice.

You just can't reason with someone who puts money above her children's safety and psychological well being.

She isn't some abused woman. That is not what I read from her posts. Her major concern shown has been for her financial status. That us worth the risk and pain to those poor children.

I'm not surprised it's getting emotive.

I think I'm reading a different thread.