H headbutted ds......advice please

[thelineiswhere]

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

I don't really understand why you care about protecting your husband's career, OP. He must really have done a number on you, because you seem to be worrying about him rather than everyone else. How many years have you been putting him first and trying to manage his abusive behaviour?

Headbutting someone is a particularly nasty thing to do, and it speaks volumes about the kind of man your husband is. It's very different to a push or a shove and was absolutely intentional (indeed, he told your son that it's what he does to people who hit him). And now that he'd done it, it'll happen again (and probably mor regularly). He's given himself permission to be violent now and you are all in considerable danger. He hasn't even so much as apologised, and has tried to blame you for his abhorrent behaviour.

Phoning the police and/or social services (or just phone up the school and tell them; they'll do everything else) now because you want to protect your children will have no negative impact on your career. Trying to cover things up and not protecting your children may have a seriously negative impact on your career though, because when it all comes out (and it probably will) the first question you'll be asked will be about why you haven't done anything.

And, as others have said, you really don't want this man having unsupervised contact with your children. Social service involvement will help you to get measures in place to ensure that your husband has to move out, and that he doesn't come back. That will help you with leaving and divorcing him and keep your children safe.

Note: not that him apologising would make any difference, but the fact that he's shown no hint of remorse is very scary indeed.

I seriously think this is a wind up. well I bloody well hope it is as makes me feel sick.

Blossom, I too hope this whole thread is just a sick windup. But if it isn't - then OP is facilitating the behaviour of the violent, spiteful, nasty drunken sot who is her husband. Does she not realise that the head-butting, combined with the poor son then ricocheting into the wall behind, could have resulted in concussion at the very least, and brain damage and even death? And the 'horseplay' that leaves the kids crying? While she leaves them to it? Beyond belief! And at school, the poor boy is being bullied. What a life for a child, and the other children.

As I said, hope this is just a horrible 'wind up' by the OP and none of it is true ... but if it is, then yes, I hope the poor child or one of the other children tells a teacher and that the book is thrown at OP and her disgusting, violent husband IF she doesn't NOW take steps to rid herself and her suffering children from this thug.

I personally find it very troubling than MNHQ is condoning the actions of a person who has systematically failed to report violent, physical abuse of a child (through consistent reminders of the 'talk guidelines' to posters). I don't know if a few people have crossed the line with particularly nasty wording of their criticisms, but I honestly had expected more from the moderators here.

Feel free to delete due to criticism of the powers that be, obviously.

The ones in this situation without any sort of voice are the children. They deserve to have people standing up for them, even if it's unpleasant to have to accept. Child protection is one of the most important priorities in our society. Whatever "reasons" or "long game" the OP might have for not reporting this will be unacceptable to the police and social services. That is a fact.

I was deleted for calling op the opposite of a good mother

I don't really understand why you care about protecting your husband's career,

It is their carers so it seems that the OP is protecting herself over her children too.

If your main concern is that you don't want to get yourself into trouble with social services (rather than your children's welfare , you need to behave in a way which would not cause social services concern.

So you need to separate from your husband immediately. You are, quite obviously, not going to report him to the police to protect your lifestyle, even though you should. But at very, very least, you need to remove your children from living with a violent bully.

And not at a random stage in the future. Today.

I think it is an insult to victims of DV, and women in general, to suggest that the OP may be have been 'conditioned' to think this is acceptable and has had her perspective altered. I have read many accounts of and spoken to victims of DV whose catalyst for leaving was the second the perpetrator began to show anger to their children.

I don't accept that any adult could ever be 'brainwashed' enough to think it was okay for a child to be headbutted by a grown man. This thread is either bullshit or the OP is an enabler of child abuse.

Exactly Basgetti.

I feel sick reading this. My child is 12, I would do anything to protect her from this kind of abuse. I cannot understand any parent who wouldn't.

It is the OP second post that is even more chilling to me, the fact that she could not rebothered to read replies as she is soooo busy. Still think it is a wind up though, I urge you to come back either way OP as you have upset many people. If wind up time to fess up if not then seek help for your children

OP, this is wrong on so many levels. I would like to state the obvious, your child is 12, quite able to tell someone at school what has gone/goes on. The school won't hesitate to contact SS, and won't give two hoots about your H or your careers. If you want to look at it selfishly, you'd be better of reporting it yourself than an outsider. You will be seen as acting in your childrens best interests, which as a mother I sincerely hope you do.

Basgetti that kind of brainwashing and conditioning really is real. I work all the time with people who have had this happen to them. It happens to thousands of abused people, men, women and children. She did not really think it was OK, or she never would have bothered to come on here and ask. But she does appear to have had her perspective and thinking altered by whatever situation she is in, and has been in.

I think it is an insult to victims of DV, and women in general, to suggest that the OP may be have been 'conditioned' to think this is acceptable and has had her perspective altered. I have read many accounts of and spoken to victims of DV whose catalyst for leaving was the second the perpetrator began to show anger to their children.

Exactly. I was a victim of severe DV and I'm Cantrell you that if I had had children and he had showed any anger to them I would have been gone.

And yes, she is an enabler of abuse, certainly. But there are always reasons for someone's actions or inactions. Not excuses, reasons, a very important distinction. Once again, in my job I have to look for and try to explain the reasons for the most terrible of behaviours, but do not view these as excuses or justification. In this case, thinking carefully about what the reasons might be for her behaviour might help us to offer the kind of support which would make it most likely that a vulnerable child will be spared further abuse.

But she does appear to have had her perspective and thinking altered by whatever situation she is in, and has been in.

Or because that is the way she thinks. No one knows the OP or how she is in RL however her posts do speak volumes

True enough, she may always have been like that, we just don't know. But I was simply putting forward the idea that her situation may be distorting her cognition, and name-calling and vilification are not going to help the poor child, who is in serious danger (if all this is true).

Sigh.

I, and others on this thread have had this happen to them. We have had the brain washing the altered self perspective the works.

And it is still fucking insulting that people are suggesting that that would excuse standing by and watching your child's being seriously physically assaulted, not doing anything, minimising it afterwards. Telling children they are down on the list of priorities and not worth protecting by your actions.

D.v.victim. Is. Not. A. Child. Abuse. Enabler. Op. Is.

Again, NOT excusing. Trying to consider why something has happened.

Many of the people I work with have committed crimes of the order eliciting the response "lock them up and throw away the key". Working with them and trying to explore why things have happened is NOT excusing them. It is an essential part of assessing and managing future risk. Same in this case.

theDude I am curious actually, seeing as you work with families like this.

If a child is being seriously assaulted and has been emotionally abused for years. The parent in question that just stands by and let's it happen is too busy to listen to anything you have to say. And has stated she doesn't want anything to affect her or the abusers professional lives.

How would supporting the enabler actually help? If as you say they are too entrenched in this brain washing to do anything to protect their own children what would it help.

Surely the only appropriate response is to take the children away from the situation?

I spent 3 months in a refuge following DV. I stand by what I said.

Reversing brain washing and damaged perspectives takes an awful lot of time.

Time ops children possibly have not got.