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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think he may be cheating on me - or am I paranoid?

52 replies

TinyDancer69 · 08/09/2014 23:06

I'm a first time poster but long time lurker and I could really do with some impartial advice...I'll try and keep it short(ish). Been with fiancé 5 1/2 years; one DS who is 2 and DSS who is 8 and is with us 40% of the time. DS was a bit of a surprise as I was 42 when I got pregnant. I was delighted, he was less so, but came round and seemed happy, but not overjoyed. Couple of important points: he doesn't see or talk to any of his family - long story but they sided with his ex-DP when they split. My family are v important to me but live 60 miles away so we basically had zero support when DS was born. He is amazing and I adore him. But last 2 years have been horrendous for us as a couple. We only moved in together 3 months before DS was born and cracks appeared right away. He was not emotionally supportive at all and I was recovering from an emergency C section. Anyway fast forward to Feb this year - sex life non existent as communication was terrible and he'd give me the silent treatment repeatedly. I had a very unhappy maternity leavesad( so I found messages from a woman on his Whatsapp a/c including a topless photo of her. The panic of us splitting up kept us together and he made out she was a friend and it was really just confiding as there was no emotional support from me. So I tried to forget it...things didn't stay good for very long and then I see another message ( not sure if same woman) saying along lines of looks like he's not alone, 12.30 on Monday is good for me and hope McDonalds hits the spot sad(((( don't know if meeting happened and I haven't confronted him. Things are a bit better - he still likes me sexually - but I have a hunch he's up to a whole load of crap behind my back. And I feel sick and can't trust him. Travels a lot for work and does call and email and sounds kind of normal. I can't live like this but I'm scared to confront him...help sad((

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 23:20

If you can't trust him then there's not much basis for a truly happy relationship, is there? You know that you don't need a plausible reason to end a relationship. That you want to is reason enough.

Do you know the real reason why his own family sided with his ex? That won't be a trivial matter.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 08/09/2014 23:48

He was only with ex-DP for 3 months when she fell pregnant. What was meant to be a fling turned into a 4 year relationship that he felt he had to commit to for sake of his son. His dad left when he was a child and he swore he'd never abandon his child. He was deeply unhappy and thinks she may have 'trapped' him. His family took her side initially and then tried to make amends with him. But he swore he'd never talk to them again as they abandoned him when he needed them. All very complicated.

OP posts:

Sickoffrozen · 08/09/2014 23:53

If you think something is up then often it is! The topless pic certainly isn't a good sign!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/09/2014 00:19

Have any of the things he's told you about his family actually been corroborated by anyone else? I've never heard of a whole family abandoning someone when a relationship ends, even if it ends messily.

Still, none of that is to do with the matter at hand. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. You don't need any convincing evidence of an affair or anything like that. You just want to end it. He was caught in a flirtation (at the very least) but cleverly turned it back on you by blaming your lack of emotional support. Nice.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 07:42

I have never met any of his family. This is something that greatly upsets and bothers me particularly for my DS. His family did try and reconnect a number of times but he refused - said he no longer wanted anything to do with them because of them taking ex partner's side. He is very stubborn and can just cut people off. Also feels I used him to have a baby and that all I want is to be a mother ... So hurtful and really, would I wait til 42 to trap a man!? I have a bit more expectations for myself... So confused.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/09/2014 07:52

"What was meant to be a fling turned into a 4 year relationship that he felt he had to commit to for sake of his son"

Isn't history rather repeating itself? Sticking with a bad relationship because there's a child involved - or, possibly more accurately, a relationship turns bad after a child arrives? I agree with a PP that something doesn't feel right about the story surrounding his exP. Most families will close ranks and support their blood relative in a relationship breakdown. The exception being when the relative has behaved despicably - and even then, families are very forgiving.

Please think hard about whether you want to be in a relationship with someone you can't trust. It's a very long, slow, agonising death.

mammadiggingdeep · 09/09/2014 07:52

Ok. I'm going to be frank and honest. I'm sorry if it seems harsh.

He's an arse. He's probably an abusive arse. Emotionally unsupportive...check. Repeatedly giving silent treatment....check. Lying....check (about the topless pic being from friend)...check.

Have you ever seriously wondered why his family would side with his ex?? His own family??

To be completely very honest with you he was obviously text cheating with the topless woman, if not more. The maxdonalds thing sounds like a meet up.

In short- this man is a waste of your time. Really honestly, be true to yourself and ask yourself "what do you get from this relationship"???

My suggestion is to ltb before your self esteem is totally destroyed.

Primadonnagirl · 09/09/2014 08:03

I am married but have several male friends. I have never ever sent them a topless photo and I never would! The only sort of text message my husband would find from them is "Where shall we go for a drink? " Note no kisses. My point is that he is lying about their friendship....so what else is he lying about? You are 42 .. Your instinct is based on life experience..trust it.

magoria · 09/09/2014 08:05

Wow poor bloke. Several women in a row who have gotten pregnant just to trap him. What a prize he must be.

Does he take responsibility for having sex at all?

kaykayblue · 09/09/2014 08:11

I can count on no hands the number of topless pictures I have sent to male friends. That isn't something you do to a friend. That is something you send to someone you are sleeping with. I'm actually quite surprised that you bought the "friend" line on that.

This man is clearly not being faithful to you. For someone who doesn't want to be "trapped" by children, he sure is pretty fucking lax with contraception, since this has now happened to him TWICE.

I would also be deeply suspicious as to why his family took the side of his ex. That is very, very rare.

The fact that he is now re buffing their attempts at a reunion, for me personally, is more about trying to prevent his past from catching up with him (and you), rather than any actual moral sense of being wronged.

Let's face it - a guy who is sexting other women whilst his partner is looking after their young child can hardly expect anyone to believe that they have any sense of morals whatsoever.

Do his family even know you exist?

Theoldhag · 09/09/2014 10:03

I too am about his family situation. Something is way off, as blood tends to be thicker than water and all that.

This man is not a good partner, he lies, minimises, ignores etc

Why are you with him?

I would in your shoes contact his family and make my own way with my dc without him.

It is your call.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 10:27

Thank you ladies for your support. I really thought I was crazy and it was my fault. The point about abusiveness hit a raw nerve. He told me I was lazy, a poor role model to his son who he worships. He even told me to f* off about it during an argument. He said I don't do any housework etc. all crap. I am very good to DSS and yet DP let's him back-chat me a lot and does nothing. Silent treatments were awful especially when I was on mat leave. What a fool I've been. But I wanted with all my heart not to put my DS through what DSS went through. I feel so stupid but strangely relieved. I am at work currently so only dipping in and out but your support is greatly appreciated. I just need a ton if strength now...

OP posts:

Vivacia · 09/09/2014 10:44

What do you want to happen Tiny?

mammadiggingdeep · 09/09/2014 11:02

I also went through the worst of it all during maternity leave. These type of twunts love it when a woman is even more vulnerable and dependent.

What you would be 'putting your ds through' by ltb is much better than what he would be put through if he was brought up under a roof where his mummy was ignored, told she was crap, lazy and lied to.

You could kick him to the kerb for the texting alone...let alone all the nasty ignoring and lack of support.

Fwiw my advice would be to dig as deep as you can and make the break before you waste the best years of your life on a shithead who likes to recieve topless pictures from ow and then lie through his teeth to you about it. The friend line isn't even a good lie?! Pathetic.

Dignity is your friend here. Show him you are worth a million times more than the way he's treated you. His own family don't want to know him- that should tell you all you need to know!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 09/09/2014 11:40

Correction: his family have made approaches but he's not responded to their blandishments. This is a man with PLENTY to hide. That, even without the descriptions of his lamentable behaviour would have my antennae twitching from here to kingdom-come.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 14:48

Thanks so much ladies. Guess I've been in denial because of consequences for me, DS and DSS who's been through it before. So sad. Vivacia - I really wanted everything to be ok in the end, and that this was a bad patch with pressures of a new baby (we have only had two nights out together since DS was born two years ago). My mum told me a while ago when I confided that things were tough that when she visited me in hospital after giving birth that she had an uneasy feeling about DF and felt he didn't care about me... But she put it out of her mind until I confided. Sixth sense...

OP posts:

IrianofWay · 09/09/2014 15:04

Did no-one ever tell him the facts of life? When you are a man and have sex with a woman she MAY become pregnant. If you are a man and you really REALLY don't want to become a father take charge of your own contraception. Otherwise stop all that whingeing about being trapped into fatherhood. When so many men apparently feel ambivalent about being a parent it's quite astounding just how free they are with their sperm

Jan45 · 09/09/2014 15:18

Your instincts are right, he is messing behind your back and deep down you know it, topless pics are not exchanged between friends, he's pissing all over the relationship and you've already let him off so why wouldn't he continue, he has no real commitment to you, get him told, stop accepting shitty behaviour, he sounds a self entitled twat at the best.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 17:21

I'm no angel and have to accept some responsibility for some of this. We both have decent jobs but I've never been good with money and didn't save for Mat leave. This meant he paid vast majority of household bills and was rightly furious about this. I have apologised several times and now that I'm back at work pay my fair share. I also gave him 5k that I had recently to make up for my mat leave. So he had issues with us not having a joint a/c and I'm ashamed of that . This is all devastating to me. I was divorced 10 years ago because relationship didn't work out but thankfully no DC. Then I was single for 6 years before we got together. Thought I'd sorted previous issues out - but obviously not. And now my DS will have to live with my poor decisions in life. So don't people to think I'm guilt free but need the support...

OP posts:

Joysmum · 09/09/2014 17:29

'You' saving for 'your' maternity leave?

Don't you both save for the leave your child needs, not you.

FelicityGubbins · 09/09/2014 18:30

My DH worked 3 jobs to support me and 2 children while I was pregnant with my 3rd child, I had spd, couldn't work and wasn't entitled to any benefits at all, we were financially on the bare bones of our arse and he never begrudged a single penny or hour that worked. Never made me feel like a scrounger or a burden. your post has made me feel incredibly hurt on your behalf....

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 19:07

Thank you Felicity - that made me want to cry because I have been his burden even though I'm his child's mother and treat DSS well ( and he can be really nasty to me too - just watches the his dad treats me). He clearly doesn't love me. Wonder if he can love anyone. I have thought he is narcissistic - he has a strong sense of entitlement and of being wronged. Clearly I've wronged him by getting pregnant and scrounging off him.

OP posts:

Finola1step · 09/09/2014 19:12

Leave him.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 19:16

I think that's what I want to do now. I have no choice because I reckon he's working up to telling me something - he's been very distant. Probably thinking about his sordid text mate.

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 09/09/2014 19:25

Please don't cry

Get rid and be happy

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