Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I think he may be cheating on me - or am I paranoid?

52 replies

TinyDancer69 · 08/09/2014 23:06

I'm a first time poster but long time lurker and I could really do with some impartial advice...I'll try and keep it short(ish). Been with fiancé 5 1/2 years; one DS who is 2 and DSS who is 8 and is with us 40% of the time. DS was a bit of a surprise as I was 42 when I got pregnant. I was delighted, he was less so, but came round and seemed happy, but not overjoyed. Couple of important points: he doesn't see or talk to any of his family - long story but they sided with his ex-DP when they split. My family are v important to me but live 60 miles away so we basically had zero support when DS was born. He is amazing and I adore him. But last 2 years have been horrendous for us as a couple. We only moved in together 3 months before DS was born and cracks appeared right away. He was not emotionally supportive at all and I was recovering from an emergency C section. Anyway fast forward to Feb this year - sex life non existent as communication was terrible and he'd give me the silent treatment repeatedly. I had a very unhappy maternity leavesad( so I found messages from a woman on his Whatsapp a/c including a topless photo of her. The panic of us splitting up kept us together and he made out she was a friend and it was really just confiding as there was no emotional support from me. So I tried to forget it...things didn't stay good for very long and then I see another message ( not sure if same woman) saying along lines of looks like he's not alone, 12.30 on Monday is good for me and hope McDonalds hits the spot sad(((( don't know if meeting happened and I haven't confronted him. Things are a bit better - he still likes me sexually - but I have a hunch he's up to a whole load of crap behind my back. And I feel sick and can't trust him. Travels a lot for work and does call and email and sounds kind of normal. I can't live like this but I'm scared to confront him...help sad((

OP posts:

captainmummy · 09/09/2014 19:39

As felicity says - get rid. When you split and you are free and happy, he will still have to pay for the maintenance of his child. It's not all your responsibility, and don't let him tell you otherwise.

I can't beleive you paid him £5k for your 'maternity leave' - It's his child!!! Not jsut yours,- and you are not a burden if you are caring for his child - you are enabling him to work.

Flossiex2 · 09/09/2014 20:10

You didn't owe him money for being on maternity leave. You are supposed to be a couple. How he must have manipulated you to get you to believe that.

TimBurgessILoveYourSmile · 09/09/2014 20:15

Hi
just a quick message to say now you have seen the light please get yourself and your son out of this situation, because he will be much better of with himself and his mother well out of it, you are young still, you can find happiness, he has more than proved he isn't where your happiness lies...

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 20:20

The only time he is interested in doing anything as a family is when DSS is here as he worships him and spent a fortune to get access that ex was trying to limit. I have spent the last two years pretty much bringing up my son and every other weekend built around DSS. Honestly I feel like the one positive he feels about our DS is that DSS has a brother. I'm like a surrogate or something! It's never felt like DS was ours to enjoy and dote over - it's never been that way and it breaks my heart. Just have to work out how and when to tell him. Thanks ladies - your support had been amazing - I feel vindicated.

OP posts:

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 20:21

Thank you TimBurgess - I appreciate your support. I have just seen the light...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 20:40

TD, you sound lovely

You are worth more than this. Go find a better life for you and your DS.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 20:53

Thank you AF - it's been so so long since anything nice was said about me. It's been a dreadful 2 years and I know he is hurt too. But then he is so weak - whereas I'll fall back on my friends (who I never see at all) and family to look after me and my DS he'll fall into some woman's arms. She is welcome to him...

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/09/2014 21:01

Good lord, he was furious with you for having to support his family while you were off work looking after his child? You gave him £5k to make up for it? He's done a huge number on you and you seriously must leave him.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 21:09

Put a bow on his stupid head and send him off for some other poor woman to prop up

He is a rubbish bloke and a rubbish father.

thicketofstars · 09/09/2014 22:15

I don't think you should have had to save for your maternity leave, to be honest. Yes, perhaps you could have put something by, but not necessarily. You were working hard on a job you weren't being paid for at the time. You were performing a role that would also have been your partner's responsibility to fulfill full-time, had you not been doing his share (during working hours). If you were to live on his salary during that time, it would only mean that he had reciprocated and taken some of the burden off your shoulders, too. Does he think your maternity leave was a holiday?!

He sounds horrible.

thicketofstars · 09/09/2014 22:16

And I wish you hadn't given him the 5K. Better taking that to get yourself set up independently of such a nasty man.

Cabrinha · 09/09/2014 22:51

I want to shake you for giving him that £5K! But very gently, because you need support right now.

He IS cheating on you - topless photos?! WTF?!

I expect his ex would have an interesting tale to tell.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 09/09/2014 22:54

Oh dear - it's all so clear now. I really did feel dreadful for taking the time off and him picking up the bill for that. He did pay for everything and I felt so guilty. But deep down I guess I knew he resented it because he resented me getting pregnant. Had I known how against it he actually was DS wouldn't be here - thank God I didn't...he ruined my first christmas with silent treatment because I couldn't afford to buy a lot of presents - it was terrible and DS was only 5 months. DP was furious. It was my poor mum who gave me the money - we've moved into a new house which he bought so I gave him the 5K to help and make up for Mat leave. As thicketofstars says, should have used for me and DS - guess I was desperate to make this work but it's made no difference ( he took money and barely acknowledged it ).

OP posts:

thicketofstars · 10/09/2014 00:26

The 5k doesn't have to be wasted, OP. Your DP's miserable, rude reaction to your giving to him could signal the start of something new in your life. As others are saying, there are better men out there and you don't need to put up with someone who is being nasty to you. I think you're getting to know that you don't have to settle for this.

Time to identify where your friends are and get a crisis response sorted out for when the time's right.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 06:39

5K is a small price to pay for getting your eyes opened and getting this fucker out of your life.

captainmummy · 10/09/2014 08:26

Get legal advice, OP. I think you'll find that he is the one who'll be out of pocket.

And as PP have said - maybe try to get in touch with exWs family? Get theri side of it?? You never know what ammo you might find.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 10/09/2014 10:04

Thanks for all the advice. I'm dreading having the conversation to bring it to a head. But my pride can't let me be passive only to have him tell me he's met someone else and it's over. What a catch - two children to two different mothers...some role model. I still have feelings for him and remorse. What if he convinces me to try again? Doubt he would - gut feel is he wants out and wants a relationship with someone who can give him their full attention. Just like I did for 4 years before DS was born.

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 10/09/2014 10:09

Well, you'd have to let him convince you. He's not going to hypnotise you.

You seem to know you have a lot - a child at 42 (how fantastic!) and a support network. He isn't your only future option. He would have to have a solid gold willy for you to think he's your best option at this point.

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 10/09/2014 10:16

Thank you Annarose - that did make me smile! Well last time I checked it was far from solid!

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 10/09/2014 10:17

HAHAHAHA!!!

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 13:41

Oh christ, a bit of a limp dick too, huh

He's looking less and less like a prize to be had

Original poster

TinyDancer69 · 10/09/2014 13:44

When should I tell him? I haven't made alternative living plans - going to need support from my family on that one. But I want him to know I'm not putting up with his contempt anymore. Even yesterday DSS back chatted and DP doesn't say a word. So disrespectful. I work 4 days a week and take a Wed off as my day to be with DS but also to take DSS to school as he overnights with us on a Tuesday. Who the hell else would take a Wed instead of a Mon or Friday as their day off?! I've been such a doormat - no wonder he thinks he can treat me like rubbish. Enough!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 13:56

Make your plans and then present it as a done deal ? That is what I would do.

Vivacia · 10/09/2014 14:04

What AF said, but then I am a big one for plans and lists and getting my ducks in a row.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/09/2014 15:52

Yes- make your plans, tell him and then go. Don't try to discuss the past- he'll deny things, rewrite history and he'll have you thinking it wasn't 'that bad'.

Don't forget to look up what tax credits etc you'll be entitled to.

I wouldn't contact his family/ or his ex wife. Don't get drawn into any drama- just move on.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread