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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my abusive ex is looking for me

62 replies

pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 18:21

Posting in Relationships as hoping I will get good advice in this topic...

The history is that I left my abusive ex nearly two years ago, after he threw a glass at me then went for me with a knife and threatened to kill our dogs. This was the final straw after months and months of emotional abuse and violent and verbal outbursts. The police also found some weapons in the house Shock

He was arrested for assault, bailed and re-arrested twice more for breaching his bail conditions (to stay away from me and not try to contact me) - he drove 20 miles to my friend's house and knocked on her door wanting to see me, then lied to the police that he was there (he got found out due to appearing on local CCTV, stupid idiot). In the end he was released, with no charges as the CPS wouldn't pursue it Hmm gutting!

It had a massive effect on me as I had to give up my business (I worked alone in rural areas so didn't feel safe) and my home (he owned the house). I was homeless and unemployed, seriously weak and underweight from all the stress, but somehow re-built my life. I found a fab new job and a nice room in a friendly shared house.

Now the thing that bothered him most - as well as losing control of me - was that the police said I should keep both of the dogs, and at the time he agreed to this (the police told me he had said this). I've now got wind via his recent Facebook updates that I "have a debt to repay" and that he's intending to track down one of the dogs (that he considers to be 'his'). Not meaning to drip feed but I feel I have a massive duty of care towards both dogs as I witnessed him throw 'his' dog across the room once and he had some pretty horrible discipline methods Angry the police put all of this in my statement and also concluded it was in both dogs' interests to stay together with me.

For a while I was incredibly secretive about my new whereabouts - overly cautious about what I post on Facebook, no photos of local locations that might give away where I live etc (no mutual friends anyway but just to be safe). I also didn't want him to find out where I worked but recently I set up a linkedin account as I need it for my job so did put my employer on there, of course. I had avoided doing this for ages but in the end got sick of feeling like I was in hiding, plus quite a bit of time had passed. I now see today to my horror that he's set up an account and viewed my profile Sad I am now petrified about him following me home one day - I work not so far from him. Maybe I am over reacting but having seen how he doesn't let things go (eg breaking bail conditions) naturally I am feeling uneasy. He even once told me he'd kill his (probably lovely) ex-wife if he saw her again (now I see why she wanted to have zero contact with him or tell him her address). I consider him to be dangerous and don't trust him one bit, he is a big chap too.

I have a 25 mile journey home along rural roads and am now dreading the dark evenings drawing in...

I don't think there's anything the police can do, as he's not actually done anything wrong. But I still feel terrified. I don't know what car he drives these days so won't be able to look out for him easily as I Ieave work. I don't want to live in fear anymore Sad

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 08/09/2014 18:30

Can you apply for a non-molestation order, I wonder?

Do you know about defensive/safe driving, how to check whether you are being followed?

Have a chat with Women's Aid - they are very used to giving advice to women who fear for their safety, especially after the breakdown of a violent relationship.

Also don't hesitate to talk to the police in the Domestic Violence Unit.

You don't want to be living in fear for the rest of your life, and there's steps you can take to feel safer.

AdoraBell · 08/09/2014 18:34

Is there any possiblity of traveling with a friend or colleague? I know you shouldn't need to.

I would still contact the police even though he hasn't actually done anything, just tell them he has viewed your Linkdin account without any prefessional reason to do so, and you do not feel safe. Assuming his job is in a different field to your's. Ask them to log your current address in case you need to call them.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 18:43

Thank you both for the advice!

No I don't have any colleagues who live near me, unfortunately.

I'd feel silly telling the police, especially as I've not heard from him in so long. I also had a bad experience with the police's handling of it. My case was dealt with by police in two counties, and one force (where I live) was particularly awful - the second force (where my friend lives) actually told me that the first had me down as a "paranoid woman" (when I reported the crime to my force they simply told me it was "best to stay away from him" - no arrest, nothing!). Thankfully the other force where my friend lives took things more seriously and also put in a complaint on my behalf. I did write a letter to formally complain but they never bothered to reply Angry

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 08/09/2014 18:49

How horrible. Ring the police with your former case number, to aee if they can flag up your number for urgent action.

Do the terms of his bail/ release/ ongoing restrictions include a section on electronic or remote contact with you? I guess that would include phone calls, emails, letters and social media (LinkedIn must count as the latter!). He could have breached conditions already!

Sorry that all sounds alarmist, but ypu deserve to have your fears acknowledged and engaged eith seriously, by "strangers on t'internet" as well slas by the courts snd police!

Also, have you ever thought of changing your name?

Fmlgirl · 08/09/2014 18:53

I feel for you. I also avoided changing my job on LinkedIn for ages due to similar circumstances. In the end I talked to my employer and told them that my ex might turn up. It's not nice having to look over your shoulder and wonder whether you will be followed home.

Can you speak to a solicitor with regards to actions? I would definitely try and do the non molestation order.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 18:56

His bail conditions have expired - they only lasted for about 6 weeks I think Sad

Basically he is pretty ruthless and a bit of a Jekkyl and Hyde character, he can snap in an instant. An example my friend gave to the police to describe him was that if he couldn't gain entry to a property, he'd just flip out and smash a window - we were so scared when he came to her home, despite the panic alarms etc. He very much thinks he is above the law. His mother even got a warning from the police, twice, as she got in her car and drove 200 miles looking for me, sending me messages trying to intimidate me into meeting her.

I cannot cope with this all starting up again Sad

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 08/09/2014 18:57

I'm limiting my advice to your LinkedIn issue. I know this is too late as he has already seen your profile but you can change your settings to prevent any further viewing by him. Make your profile private (only connections can see details) and now that he has an account you can block him so that he cannot see anything at all - you will just "disappear" from LinkedIn as far as he is concerned. Even if he creates a second account, if your profile is now private he will not be able to see any details, just your name.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 18:59

Oh and as for LinkedIn, even if I block him, he can just create another account surely? A bit like Facebook. Plus he already knows where I am working, so not much to be gained from blocking him now. Wish I'd never gone on there, but it's essential for my job unfortunately.

OP posts:
Glastogirl · 08/09/2014 19:03

Not sure if this is a really stupid suggestion but I would change your place of work on linkedin. Somewhere nowhere near to where you work.
I know you said you need it for work but it sounds like your safety has to be the top priority and him knowing your where abouts doesn't sound safe from all you've said about him.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 19:04

Also aside from LinkedIn, if he just did a Google search my name comes up linked to my employer - so he could find out through other means. It just worries me that I know for sure that he actively looked me up in LinkedIn, gives me a chill down my spine.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 19:07

If I did that it would open a huge can of worms at work and within the people within the industry. I have tried so hard to keep all of this separate from my work. Ironically it's only now that it's having an effect as I am not able to focus on my work and keep looking out the window feeling totally on edge all the time. And there's no solution, he could turn up on any given day and I'd have no way of knowing or stopping him. I feel sick Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 19:09

I feel stupid and naive as the last few months I was feeling really happy and starting to move on. Now I feel like I let my guard down and am paying for it now.

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Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 19:17

I feel anxious and self conscious going out walking my dogs anywhere in any case he or anyone he knows spots me and alerts him. Crazy I know.

OP posts:
Iconfuseus · 08/09/2014 19:48

Please tell the police what is going on.

I assume someone you know saw his Facebook posts. Can you ask them to take screen shots for you and forward them to the police?

I would speak to your boss as a matter of urgency and tell them that you need your name removed from their websites. I would also shut down your linked in profile for now. Your boss needs to know there is a chance that he might show up and that he must be denied access to your building. Surely they would be able to do this?

This might seem strange, but can/would you consider changing your name? Perhaps to your mothers maiden name or something that means something to you. That way you could have a new Linked in profile. If you think about it women change their professional names all the time.

pluCaChange · 08/09/2014 19:51

Lots of xposts, sorry!

If the counties are being rubbish, police-wise, I don't suppose you live in a larger administrative district (e.g. a devolved government which has an overarching police / DV policy)? Maybe Women's Aid will have some suggestions!

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 19:55

No I saw them for myself - I set up a second Facebook account so I could keep an eye on his movements. I had previously blocked him from my regular account but using this one I could see many posts he'd left public, just gave me peace of mind eg if it said he was out of the country for a while etc. The police even told me ages ago to try and keep my ear to the ground as much as possible as to where he was, without making myself too neurotic. All was fine, sort of (I am constantly looking over my shoulder or hiding round corners if I see a car like he used to have) but recently I have had a very unsettled feeling and can't put my finger on it, my senses are suddenly heightened.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 19:59

If it gives you some idea of what he's like, when the police were trying to arrest him the second time, they couldn't locate him, he didn't return their calls and they told me afterwards that they thought he'd been hiding in a forest near where I was staying.

^^ this is why I am scared Sad

But if I go to them and say "he looked at my linkedin profile" it will sound so lame and pathetic. And like I only have myself to blame. But I can't live my life in secret forever either.

OP posts:
trackrBird · 08/09/2014 19:59

Please do talk to Women's Aid.
Then police. But women's aid first. They've seen it all before, and will give you the best advice.

Get whatever support and advice you can. You don't have to sit and wait, and be afraid, that's what he wants you to do.

Also, don't feel bad about anxiety; it's not in the least crazy to feel uneasy, given your experiences. I remember your original thread vividly (name changed since)... and I'm sorry he caused you so much distress and wasn't prosecuted. Angry

You're not naive. You're an innocent person living courageously. Take whatever steps you can to support yourself now.

Iggly · 08/09/2014 20:00

Tell the police. Honestly. Even though they were useless last time, tell them anyway.

Talk to women's aid as well.

pluCaChange · 08/09/2014 20:07

Hiding in a forest?! How much of this police interaction have you got on record?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 20:09

You need to confide in your HR people as a matter of urgency and despite your reservations you must inform the police that he knows where you work. Speak to Womens Aid right away. Like now! Your spidey senses are telling you something that you must pay attention to. He possibly doesn't know what car you drive or where you live yet.

If at all possible I'd be asking for a couple of days off work to figure out how you can disappear again.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 20:15

When you say on record, all I know is what the police told me verbally. They couldn't track him down and he ignored their calls.

The thing that got me about his first arrest after he went for me with the knife was, I had told them in my statement that I thought there was a gun and machete in the house. Rather than surprise him, they PHONED him to say they wanted a word, which prompted him to text me saying did I know anything, he came home, found me not there and could easily have found me if he wanted to. And the police knew he had weapons in the house and knew where I probably was. This is why I feel they won't protect me.

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 20:20

If you fear the police won't protect you then you must, must, must take every step to protect yourself.

You are not being alarmist or paranoid. You have good reason to be extremely wary. If you can't take a couple of days off work can you call in sick? At the moment your workplace is the chink in your armour. You must not take any unnecessary risks.

Is there someone you can stay with this evening or is there someone there with you now?

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 20:23

Also forgot to say a good friend of his has also been looking me up on LinkedIn. Ok so it might not be a crime but why can't they just leave me alone to re-build my life?! Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 20:26

The thing is he probably won't do anything this week, or next. But at some point he will flip and suddenly decide to take matters into his own hands and I can't predict when that will be. He does have a tendency to behave rather erratically so I don't think he will turn up tomorrow but the clock is ticking.

OP posts: