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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my abusive ex is looking for me

62 replies

pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 18:21

Posting in Relationships as hoping I will get good advice in this topic...

The history is that I left my abusive ex nearly two years ago, after he threw a glass at me then went for me with a knife and threatened to kill our dogs. This was the final straw after months and months of emotional abuse and violent and verbal outbursts. The police also found some weapons in the house Shock

He was arrested for assault, bailed and re-arrested twice more for breaching his bail conditions (to stay away from me and not try to contact me) - he drove 20 miles to my friend's house and knocked on her door wanting to see me, then lied to the police that he was there (he got found out due to appearing on local CCTV, stupid idiot). In the end he was released, with no charges as the CPS wouldn't pursue it Hmm gutting!

It had a massive effect on me as I had to give up my business (I worked alone in rural areas so didn't feel safe) and my home (he owned the house). I was homeless and unemployed, seriously weak and underweight from all the stress, but somehow re-built my life. I found a fab new job and a nice room in a friendly shared house.

Now the thing that bothered him most - as well as losing control of me - was that the police said I should keep both of the dogs, and at the time he agreed to this (the police told me he had said this). I've now got wind via his recent Facebook updates that I "have a debt to repay" and that he's intending to track down one of the dogs (that he considers to be 'his'). Not meaning to drip feed but I feel I have a massive duty of care towards both dogs as I witnessed him throw 'his' dog across the room once and he had some pretty horrible discipline methods Angry the police put all of this in my statement and also concluded it was in both dogs' interests to stay together with me.

For a while I was incredibly secretive about my new whereabouts - overly cautious about what I post on Facebook, no photos of local locations that might give away where I live etc (no mutual friends anyway but just to be safe). I also didn't want him to find out where I worked but recently I set up a linkedin account as I need it for my job so did put my employer on there, of course. I had avoided doing this for ages but in the end got sick of feeling like I was in hiding, plus quite a bit of time had passed. I now see today to my horror that he's set up an account and viewed my profile Sad I am now petrified about him following me home one day - I work not so far from him. Maybe I am over reacting but having seen how he doesn't let things go (eg breaking bail conditions) naturally I am feeling uneasy. He even once told me he'd kill his (probably lovely) ex-wife if he saw her again (now I see why she wanted to have zero contact with him or tell him her address). I consider him to be dangerous and don't trust him one bit, he is a big chap too.

I have a 25 mile journey home along rural roads and am now dreading the dark evenings drawing in...

I don't think there's anything the police can do, as he's not actually done anything wrong. But I still feel terrified. I don't know what car he drives these days so won't be able to look out for him easily as I Ieave work. I don't want to live in fear anymore Sad

OP posts:
wafflyversatile · 08/09/2014 20:26

Firstly make sure you have a screenshot of his debt fb status and keep an eye out for others.

Can you report it to the helpful police and remind them of the difficulties you had with your local team?

And agree with calling Women's Aid.

I think you might need to tell your work and ask them to be wary of anyone asking for you at reception or even give a photo to them to keep an eye out.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 20:28

Luckily we have a security guard you have to get past if you want to come in but where I park is outside the fence so on a dark night anyone could be lurking in the car park or following me up the road. Am I over-thinking this? Maybe.

OP posts:
FooFooFoo · 08/09/2014 20:33

Hi,

Sorry about this, having suffered/suffering similar I know EXACTLY what kind of dynamic you've been through: the whole "am I paranoid, the police think I'm a lunatic" thing. Your life is being twisted with the continual fear but because they stop "just short" of doing something, they manage to continue and make you ashamed and afraid..

Just to point out that the legislation was changed a couple years ago to (in theory, obviously its new and I'm not sure how well it is being applied - I am soon to find out myself Hmm) to protect people in our situation. See HERE for more information.

There are two new amendments; section 2A stalking and section 4A stalking. To prove a section 2A it needs to be shown that a perpetrator pursued a course of conduct which amounts to harassment and that the particular harassment can be described as stalking behaviour. Stalking is not legally defined but the amendments include a list of example behaviours which are following, contacting/attempting to contact, publishing statements or material about the victim, monitoring the victim (including online), loitering in a public or private place, interfering with property, watching or spying. This is a non exhaustive list which means that behaviour which is not described above may also be seen as stalking. A course of conduct is 2 or more incidents.

They recommend talking to your local MP who might be able to help. The whole website seems really good. Keep posting here: you are NOT being paranoid.

Thanks
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 20:34

Actually, I don't think you are over-thinking this. Do you know how long ago he saw your profile on Linkedin?

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 20:41

I think he looked either yesterday or today. I worked from home today which actually wasn't good as I felt very alone and on edge.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 21:01

Foo thank you for the information about stalking. I will have a read. I don't think the police would say this is enough evidence of stalking. He isn't the kind of person to draw it out over a long period, he's more the type to do something sudden and one-off, he's not clever enough to be sneaky but also not scared of using violence and intimidation to get what he wants.

Also a bizarre thing that happened, he once told me he'd committed a serious crime in self defence and killed someone - he said it as if he was proud of it and was trying to get a reaction of admiration from me. The police later told me this never happened and there was no record of it anywhere! I do think he has a bit of a fascination with violence and likes to be seen as some kind of hero, oh dear not painting a good picture am I...?!

OP posts:
NorksEnormous · 08/09/2014 21:50

Take a screenshot of the status saying you have a debt to pay. You are not being paranoid. Where are your dogs when you are at work? If he knows where you work I would be worried incase he follows you home some night, finds out where you live then comes back the next day while you are at work for the dogs

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 21:55

Dogs are at home in the day, and my friend pops in at lunchtime to let them out. I really worry about them in case he does turn up while I'm not here. I don't have any reason to believe he knows where I live but reckon it's only a matter of time. Wish I could just run away abroad or something!

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 21:58

I am going to watch behind me closely now every time I leave work. If someone is behind me as I approach my area I will turn off and go in a different direction until I lose them. I am not taking any chances. What a ridiculous situation Confused

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 21:59

He found out where she works over the weekend but she hasn't been in today. So he doesn't know where she lives yet. I'd be leaving work at different times and taking a different route home each day. I'm another who doesn't think you're be unnecessarily paranoid. Please polly be very careful.

Have you called Womens Aid yet?

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 22:01

No I've not called yet - my little sister is here and I don't want to scare her (she isn't the strongest if characters and does scare quite easily). I will have to do it tomorrow from work.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 22:05

Almost subconsciously I think, I do tend to leave work at very erratic times - eg sometimes 4pm, sometimes as late at 6pm (I can vary my hours a little). Sometimes I find myself looking out the window at my car and thinking what if he's watching it? There is only one route home really but when I get closer to my area I do take a little detour sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 22:06

Almost subconsciously I think, I do tend to leave work at very erratic times - eg sometimes 4pm, sometimes as late at 6pm (I can vary my hours a little). Sometimes I find myself looking out the window at my car and thinking what if he's watching it? There is only one route home really but when I get closer to my area I do take a little detour sometimes.

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 08/09/2014 22:22

"Debt to pay" plus 2x LinkedIn views (leaving named "footprints", not anonymous glimpsesof an open FB page, which is what you are doing) is already 2 or more incidents. Coupled with your history and the explicitky historical nature of his comment (a "debt"), I eould be jumping up and down by now. Can you report to police (so there's a log) and go straight to court for s non-molestation order?

Maybe consider tge animsl protection angle as well: would the RSPCA have some ideas about protecting the dogs from falling back into the hands of an abusive former owner?

BlackeyedSusan · 08/09/2014 22:23

have you tried contacting the police crime commisioner if your area sucks at DV?

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 08/09/2014 22:26

I am worried that if I go to the police it will open a can of worms and they might decide the easiest thing would be for me to just give him the dog. They tried that before but then the officer dealing with me confessed if it was him that he wouldn't as he thought the best thing was for both dogs to be with me. My ex also goes away for long periods of time for work, so the dog would constantly get farmed out to god knows who. I think I am worried about stirring it all up and wishing I'd never said anything.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 22:35

Call the 101 number and ask for their advice. He didn't find your profile on Linkedin by accident or by chance. That, coupled with the "debt" comment on FB I find quite alarming. If you're over-reacting and nothing bad happens it's all good. Otherwise.........

Adarajames · 09/09/2014 00:50

If you're worried he might come and take the dogs, could you maybe have them fostered out if your area for a while until you feel things aren't so scary?

Tiptops · 09/09/2014 02:09

This sounds dreadful for you OP. I am angry on your behalf that he is still trying to affect your life. What an evil, vindictive person.

Please do inform the police. At the very least they can place a marker on your home so if you call for help it is flagged as urgent. But I agree with others, this needs a non molestation order ASAP. I would expect the police to be proactive in protecting you, not reactive after an event. Maybe an officer should forewarn him now to back off.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/09/2014 06:27

Didn't sleep a wink, just lay there wishing he would just go away and not be part of my life anymore, I feel so on edge and all the feelings I had before are coming back Sad don't know how I'll get through work today!

I don't want to send the dogs away anywhere, and there isn't really anywhere they can go at short notice. Really, I just want to move house and settle somewhere new and away from here - not miles away, just far enough that it feels like a fresh start.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 09/09/2014 07:09
Sad
pluCaChange · 09/09/2014 08:00

Why not "miles away"? Couple that with a change of name (you would have all the legal documents to show employers, but it would be a bit like using a cv which was partially gained before marrying and changing one's name).

Of course, that is extremely drastic, and it would be much moreeffective to start by calling Women's Aid then the police, or the crime commissioner, as BlackEyedSusan suggested.

Please call someone, though. Your situation is too frightening to imagine, otherwise!

trackrBird · 09/09/2014 09:56

I remember that police officer's throwaway remark about handing over one of the dogs. It was just unthinking and foolish.

The situation is completely different now, in any case. The relationship ended some time ago. You have a new life. This man is or may be stalking you. No police officer would suggest handing over one of your pets to a stalker in the hope he'll go away. It would be madness: he wouldn't go away for a start, the dog would be at risk, and crimes aren't punished by giving the criminal a pet.

So hang into that thought and speak to WA and the police now. Tell them it's a dv and stalking case and you need advice now.

Scuttlebutter · 09/09/2014 10:25

I don't want to comment in detail on your dealings with the police, but can comment on the situation with the dogs, as I do a lot of voluntary dog rescue work. There is a specialist dog legal expert called Trevor Cooper who runs a website called DogLaw. here As well as being a national expert, he is also an incredibly nice man and very approachable. Please check out his website and give him a call. It will help considerably to get proper legal advice on this issue so that you are armed with facts before you need to speak to anyone else. From everything you've said, there is no need for either dog to go back to your ex.

Wishing you all the best in the future.

Original poster
pollypocket99 · 09/09/2014 16:45

Thank you Scuttle. Actually, I recall coming across Trevor when all this trouble started up - nearly two years ago now. He does seem quite the expert. I am very limited money-wise at the moment (paying back all the debt I got into when I wasn't working Sad). I will look at his website anyhow to see what info there is on there...

OP posts: