I think my abusive ex is looking for me

[pollypocket99]

Posting in Relationships as hoping I will get good advice in this topic...

The history is that I left my abusive ex nearly two years ago, after he threw a glass at me then went for me with a knife and threatened to kill our dogs. This was the final straw after months and months of emotional abuse and violent and verbal outbursts. The police also found some weapons in the house

He was arrested for assault, bailed and re-arrested twice more for breaching his bail conditions (to stay away from me and not try to contact me) - he drove 20 miles to my friend's house and knocked on her door wanting to see me, then lied to the police that he was there (he got found out due to appearing on local CCTV, stupid idiot). In the end he was released, with no charges as the CPS wouldn't pursue it gutting!

It had a massive effect on me as I had to give up my business (I worked alone in rural areas so didn't feel safe) and my home (he owned the house). I was homeless and unemployed, seriously weak and underweight from all the stress, but somehow re-built my life. I found a fab new job and a nice room in a friendly shared house.

Now the thing that bothered him most - as well as losing control of me - was that the police said I should keep both of the dogs, and at the time he agreed to this (the police told me he had said this). I've now got wind via his recent Facebook updates that I "have a debt to repay" and that he's intending to track down one of the dogs (that he considers to be 'his'). Not meaning to drip feed but I feel I have a massive duty of care towards both dogs as I witnessed him throw 'his' dog across the room once and he had some pretty horrible discipline methods the police put all of this in my statement and also concluded it was in both dogs' interests to stay together with me.

For a while I was incredibly secretive about my new whereabouts - overly cautious about what I post on Facebook, no photos of local locations that might give away where I live etc (no mutual friends anyway but just to be safe). I also didn't want him to find out where I worked but recently I set up a linkedin account as I need it for my job so did put my employer on there, of course. I had avoided doing this for ages but in the end got sick of feeling like I was in hiding, plus quite a bit of time had passed. I now see today to my horror that he's set up an account and viewed my profile I am now petrified about him following me home one day - I work not so far from him. Maybe I am over reacting but having seen how he doesn't let things go (eg breaking bail conditions) naturally I am feeling uneasy. He even once told me he'd kill his (probably lovely) ex-wife if he saw her again (now I see why she wanted to have zero contact with him or tell him her address). I consider him to be dangerous and don't trust him one bit, he is a big chap too.

I have a 25 mile journey home along rural roads and am now dreading the dark evenings drawing in...

I don't think there's anything the police can do, as he's not actually done anything wrong. But I still feel terrified. I don't know what car he drives these days so won't be able to look out for him easily as I Ieave work. I don't want to live in fear anymore

Hope you're ok today. It's a bit unnerving not hearing from you.

Hello plu, I am okay, thanks so much for asking feeling a bit more together and on top of things today, less panicky, more clear-headed. I've not spoken to the police or WA yet but did confide in a couple of trusted colleagues.

Phew. Good to hear from you.

dear sephthewriter, as I have a sister suffering from ocd (which effects relationships in a similiar manner) I can vividly simpathize with your story. First of all, is your new girlfriend familiar with the fact that you have BPD? Depending of the kind of person she is, and if she is willing to help grow the relationship she herself might be the solution to the problem by understanding your weakness / motives / fears.. and helping you out with it. If she doesn't know yet than take the time, tell her when you feel it's safe. In any case, you already mentioned that you associated physical intimacy with negativity from a force of a habit. Try to look at the current relationship (if it's worth it) as "the new habit" that will replace the old associations.

What do you think?

B.T.W: check this out, it helps me when I need to get some unbiaced direction to act upon

How easy would it be for you to move? Do you have a mortgage, or do you rent? Is your industry one where there is a lot of geographical movement - could you move job?

I would start by getting your employer to remove you from the web-site, and also now that there is the Google privacy thing, try googling yourself to see what comes up.

I think changing your name is a really sensible idea. Who knows if it is over the top, but you don't want to be in a position where you find out.

Also, if he is fixating on the dogs, could you think about getting them fostered for a while?

I do think you need to speak to the DV unit (get your address and mobile set to immediate response) and Women's Aid to advise you on your safety.

Hope you're ok today

Yes I'm okay thank you, I had to work late tonight and then didn't want to go home at all as I feel safe at work - people around etc. As soon as I leave I wonder if he is watching me. Most likely not, but I worry that the day I let my guard down will be the day he follows me home. But I am feeling a more positive today and have been thinking about moving (I rent so wouldn't be as hard as having to sell).

Sorry, battery dying, but

Am now wondering if I was totally over reacting about everything because I'd not been sleeping well. Maybe I need to get all this in perspective. It is very likely that he won't do anything at all. Though I spent most of the afternoon checking out the window at work to check he wasn't in the car park (he has Fridays off work)

Ok so he may not do anything but you do need to be cautious. You are doing the right thing by altering the time you leave work so it is much harder to track your movements.
My advice would be to make sure you lock the doors in your car whilst you are out driving and make sure that your mobile always has credit and is always charged.
This man has made you feel anxious and 'paranoid' and that is understandable as he is violent and unpredictable. Hopefully, he will decide that you're just not worth the hassle and will leave you alone. I truly hope so.

Given the threats on Facebook, I would say he has 'done something wrong' and you can alert the police. He has form for attacking and harassing you, and if he seems to be starting up again, that's probably grounds for a further non-molestation order to forbid him from attempting to contact you or approach you in any way.

Oh, please don't say overreacting! Just report the stalking, in the context of his past actions. It can't do any harm, and you ciuld be very glad of it.

As a minimum, you deserve to have your right to live without fear acknowledged.