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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, affair confrontation. He's in denial

76 replies

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:03

Hi all, a quick plea for support. No one in r l knows of this. Have just confronted my h about him seeing a woman who he had an emotional affair, at minimum, two years ago. I know he's been to her house at least twice in past two weeks as it showed up on find my iphone on the iPad. I haven't told him how I know, just that I know he's been to her house. He is saying he doesn't know where she lives or what I'm talking about. Keeps asking when he was meant to have been there and who's told me that. I am saying nothing, just I can't talk to you until you stop lying. What shall I do next??? There was no other evidence on phone etc, he is very careful since the lady episode...

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Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:04

Excuse typos, last episode not lady

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however · 08/09/2014 13:04

Keep on saying what you're saying. Then silence. He'll fill the silence eventually. If it's with more lies, rinse and repeat.

Good luck.

IAmAShitHotLawyer · 08/09/2014 13:05

He's not in denial love, he's just lying.

what do you want to do? It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:08

It is a deal breaker for me, especially as same person and again filled with lies. I only have this one piece of evidence, is it enough for me to stick to my guns?? I plan to stay silent until he fills it yes! Shall I tell him when I know he's been there or just say nothing. Thank you for quick responses, I needed that

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PlantsAndFlowers · 08/09/2014 13:09

If he were 'in denial' he wouldn't believe it himself. He knows it's true and he is lying.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:11

Is there any possible chance that it's not true?

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Bogeyface · 08/09/2014 13:11

I only have this one piece of evidence, is it enough for me to stick to my guns??

You dont need evidence to end a marriage if you choose to. He is a liar and a cheat, you dont want to stay with him, so dont. Its easy to question yourself asking "is this a good enough reason to leave?". "I dont want to be married to you anymore" is all the reason you need and after what he has done to you I dont blame you for not wanting to stay with him.

Bogeyface · 08/09/2014 13:11

Missing

You know there isnt dont you?

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:12

He's all I've ever known. 16 years together and nine years married and 2 children. I'm frightened

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handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 13:13

My stbxh denied it for 2 months. I wish I had been stronger to trust my instincts as he made my life hell for those 2 months and turned into a nasty monster. He continually made me feel as if I was going mental. I eventually found conclusive evidence - he still denied it and I kicked him out. He admitted it later and we are going through a divorce.

Trust your instincts, keep strong and don't let him doubt yourself.

As the pp said, keep on and he will fill the silences eventually.

I am so sorry you are going through this

Quitelikely · 08/09/2014 13:14

Tell him the game is up. Tell him you know and this is his last chance to tell the truth.

I'm so sorry that this has happend to you.

If he is at her house do you think it is physical now rather than just emotional

however · 08/09/2014 13:14

You don't have evidence. You have proof.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:16

Sitting in bath crying while 2 year old watches c beebies. Thank you handful, how horrid. He's already making me feel like a paranoid crazy lady. But to be honest I have done for past two years. It took two weeks of him admitting to one tiny bit of evidence each time it was uncovered and he never admitted to anything physical happening. There is no way of me prooving any more. I feel a mess, don't know what to do

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Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:17

I do think it's now turned physical. There is no phone evidence of Any communication at all, but there must be some or he wouldn't be at her house would he?? And leaving by back door

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handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 13:22

For me, it wasn't actually the affair that broke me (although I always thought that would be a deal breaker for me), it was the cruel way he treated me for those 2 months that I had so much difficulty in coming to terms with.

Please don't put yourself through that, your life and your health is too precious.

Cry all you need, hold your little ones close and try and stay strong in front of him to show that he cannot treat you like this, he has no respect at the moment.

Please try not to beg him or apologise for your suspicions, I did that and he looked at me with contempt. It was only when I showed I wasn't going to listen to his crap that he admitted it - and he broke down. It was pathetic.

He may be all you've ever known but you don't deserve to be treated like this, nobody should have that power over you.

I'm not saying LTB - it is your decision whether it is a deal breaker for you. It's the lies and deceit that is so hard to deal with. I truly hope you have real life support.

kaykayblue · 08/09/2014 13:31

Well he isn't in denial, he is just lying because he thinks he can get away with it. He wants you to tell him what proof you have so he can formulate a bullshit excuse to justify it. He can't do that though until he knows what you know. So the safest bet for him is to just deny everything until you crack. Otherwise he runs the risk of admitting something that you don't know yet.

You don't need to wait for him to suddenly decide to be honest. You already know what he has done. If you don't want to live the rest of your life with such a deceitful, non remorsful piece of shit, then tell him you want a divorce and get him to jog on.

You might love him, but it's quite apparent that he doesn't love you. There's much more to life than being miserable in a one sided marriage with someone who is happy to cheat on you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 13:34

Two years ago he had an "emotional affair". Two years you've had this in the background to everything you've experienced with him since.

Angel, you don't need any more proof other than what you know now. If you know he's been to her house, then that's all the proof you need that he's a lying, conniving arsehole.

It's up to you what you do next. You're in control. You can do absolutely nothing for the moment. You could ask him to leave this evening while you decide whether you want to be with him any longer. You could see a solicitor to confirm what you and the kids would be entitled to should you separate and divorce. You can then decide to act on that information or not, as you wish.

Making you feel like a paranoid crazy lady is part of The Script once the outright denials appear not to be working as h hopes they should.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:34

Thank you so much for your kind, honest and supportive words. Helping me to be stronger. Thank you xxx

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Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:37

And also making me feel desperately sad. How can I go and pick up son and go to work tomo and just carry on until he decides to tell me truth? Never thought this would happen to me

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Badvoc123 · 08/09/2014 13:43

But you know he has been on her house.
You have your proof.
What is it exactly you want him to say?
What do you want him to day?
I'm sorry op x

CaptainFracasse · 08/09/2014 13:48

Why do you need to have him telling you the truth? What is going to happen when he does? Are you going to tell him to leave? Or are you hoping that. from that, he will try and save your marriage/go to cancelling/stop seeing her?

You know. You know what he has done. You know what he is doing. Do you really need him to say it to be able to make a decision on your relationship?
Take responsibility of your life. Decide how you want to live it. With him and his lies or wo him and with more self respect that you've had in the last two years.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 13:49

How is it that you know he's been to her home when he stated that he doesn't know where she lives?

Right now, he's trying to formulate a cover-story depending in what he thinks you know. Tell him nothing.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:51

I don't know, with his admittance then I'm not just a crazy lady chucking our my children's father for no apparent reason? With his admittance we aren't in limbo land?? I just don't know. Your honesty is appreciated and time ladies thank you

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PlantsAndFlowers · 08/09/2014 13:52

I have heard (on this board!) that those things aren't 100% accurate, and someone's phone has said they were in random places that they weren't.

However the chances of the phone saying that he was at the OWs house if he hasn't been there? So close to nill as to be non existent I'd say.

And if he's been to her house and is lying about it I doubt very much that it is 'only' and emotional affair.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:53

We live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, we went to each other's wedding receptions. I thought it was her street then directory enquiries confirmed it

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