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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, affair confrontation. He's in denial

76 replies

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:03

Hi all, a quick plea for support. No one in r l knows of this. Have just confronted my h about him seeing a woman who he had an emotional affair, at minimum, two years ago. I know he's been to her house at least twice in past two weeks as it showed up on find my iphone on the iPad. I haven't told him how I know, just that I know he's been to her house. He is saying he doesn't know where she lives or what I'm talking about. Keeps asking when he was meant to have been there and who's told me that. I am saying nothing, just I can't talk to you until you stop lying. What shall I do next??? There was no other evidence on phone etc, he is very careful since the lady episode...

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2014 16:53

Sparechange, I didn't know that was all stored! Just checked my phone and there are all the places I've been. They're pretty accurate too!

Op, if he's happy to show you his phone, find the details, take a photo on your phone for when he later denies everything, ask him to promise you he has never been to OW's address (with a "this is your last opportunity to tell me the truth or we are over"), give him a long silence to fill, and then show him the proof and ask him to leave.

Whatever excuse he may use afterwards is then irrelevant.

But whatever happens, you don't need his permission to leave. You don't trust him, you are not happy, these things alone are valid reasons to move on.

HanselandGretel · 08/09/2014 16:54

Ok, well unless he knows someone at 28 too then I guess that is your proof OP.

Hissy · 08/09/2014 16:55

I don't want this to upset you but my guess would be that he will say that she has been hassling him and he went round there to tell her once and for all to stop contacting him.

if that were the case, he'd have told her, right there and then.

the truth is easier than the lie.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 17:01

Spare... This is a service I need, just looked how to do it on my phone and frequent locations isn't an option? I know you are all so right. He's come home from work and keeps saying I haven't done anything , but not saying anything reassuring at all .

OP posts:

Vivacia · 08/09/2014 17:02

But his is an iPhone, did you say? So it will be on his.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 17:08

Mine is an iphone? Iphone 4 though his is a five. Dishing up kids dinner then taking his phone and going out of house with it. Want to know I can find what I'm looking for! Thank you ladies. I'm reading quickly but thank you all

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2014 17:17

Missing, mine is a 5 and it's exactly where spare said it was.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 17:19

Done it but it's not listed as a frequent location?? Just home work and various pubs from what I can gather but don't have long - now what? Maybe he is telling the truth??

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2014 17:20

If he only went there a couple of times it may not be on there. Mine doesn't have everywhere I've been, just where I am most.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 17:22

You are right, clutching at straws

OP posts:

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/09/2014 17:24

It's understandable :( but you know what you saw.

I think you might need to face that he's not going to admit to anything. So what do you want to do if that's the case? Living without trust is a horrible way to live.

sparechange · 08/09/2014 17:34

There are a couple of explanations, including that he hasn't been there
But it might also be that he hasn't been there enough for it to count as a frequent location, or that he has been wise enough to put his phone into plane mode before he goes there, or turns it off.

Did you actually click into each location? For me, the first list only has 5 or 6 places listed, but when I click those (they are town names) it comes up with street names and numbers.

It isn't infallible though, so I don't think an absence of evidence is proof of innocence, if that makes sense? It would be more a way of finding concrete proof that he was there than concrete proof he wasn't... For example, on my phone, the park I walk the dog in most days is only showing one visit in the last 2 months...

But at least you know of another way to subtly check his stories out in the future, as it shows the times you are at each location. So if he says he at the pub all night, you can see if he is telling the truth.

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 17:34

Have you asked to see his phone?

This limbo is so hard for you. I agree though, without trust what is there?

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 17:36

sparechange - I had no idea about all of that!

Not that I do anything wrong, or that there is anyone looking into my whereabouts but technology is incredible - but not infallible as you say.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 18:56

I can't live with this lack of trust and anxiety. His lack of reassurances or any declarations of love at all hadn't even crossed my radar till now. He still is just denying he knows where she lives or ever bring there. I am sitting with kids to get them to sleep then going downstairs and will ask him to go. His texts to me the afternoon were this....
Him - babe, for f sake I don't know where she lives and have never been there
Me - you are a liar
Him- nice thanks
Me -true
Him - give up

Is this it?? Him fighting to prove his innocence?? I know he's not going to say anything until I ask him where he was after badminton last Thursday. He left his mates in pub and went to he's for forty five minutes. I have a screen shot of him at her house. Didn't really want to show him as it looks like I've been spying and there's no other hard proof.....

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 08/09/2014 19:00

OP you know what is going on here and you know he will deny deny deny.

Next he will say yes he did go there but only because he felt sorry for her, and nothing happened.

Then he will say they kissed once...blah blah blah.

I am so sorry you are in this position but you have already backed down haven't you? You have allowed him home and he is still lying to you so as far as he is concerned he has got away with it and it can all be swept under the carpet.

Is that what you want?

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 19:02

I didn't allow him home, he was here when I got back , can't force him out and argue in front of children.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 08/09/2014 19:12

Do you have any way of getting her phone number? Is she married too or might she be more inclined to confess if you confront her?

hamptoncourt · 08/09/2014 19:14

Shit.

I really feel for you, my ex lied for a couple of days, just lied and lied and lied.

I had written evidence of his cheating but kept it up my sleeve just to see how long he would lie for. It was gobsmacking.

I love the idea of sending all his shit to her house tomorrow when he leaves the house. I would just do that and change the locks to be honest, I wouldn't keep on confronting him as he clearly isn;t going to fess up or leave of his own free will.

Is she married?

FelicityGubbins · 08/09/2014 19:16

I wouldn't give a shit about looking like I was spying tbh. If you are unhappy being with him that is itself enough of a reason to end it, you don't need him to confess to boot him out

hamptoncourt · 08/09/2014 19:23

When I found out a (different) XH was cheating, I didn't confront him at all, I just told him I wanted to split up as I just didn't love him or fancy him any more.

Really fucked him up. Upset him far more than if I had confronted him about being a cheating bastard as it hurt his huge ego.

I realise it is too late here for you OP and the fact you have DC together complicates things but felicity is right, you don't need to have a dossier of hard evidence. It is OK to say you have cheated. Goodbye.

WipsGlitter · 08/09/2014 19:35

So you're totally reliant on what the app says? Would he have any reason to be next door?

YellowTulips · 08/09/2014 19:54

So find my phone isn't 100% accurate in the sense that if the iPhone is indoors somewhere (and thus access to GPS timeing signals is blocked) it will be relying on alternate means of locations services, such as wifi-node location or cell tower location, either of which is an approximation at best.

Having said that, this margin of error could explain the house number being different, it does not explain why he was in the street and could well have been at her house.

Upshot is I would calmly tell him the game is up and get myself to a solicitor ASAP.

Personally I don't think hiding how you know makes a difference. He will come up with some shit story but the upshot is find my phone doesn't lie. A quick google of any bullshit he throws back at you will show that.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/09/2014 19:54

You really don't need him to tell you anything, love. And you don't need any reason to leave other than that you are unhappy. The trust is broken, isn't it? And lack of trust in this one area (fidelity) will inevitably lead to lack of trust in all areas of the marriage. And it's impossible to rebuild trust unless BOTH partners work very hard at it.

If you haven't already worded it this way AND if you wish to try and save the marriage, I'd take one last time of saying "This is it. This is your last chance to admit that you have seen 'XX' and have been unfaithful to me. I already know it, now just admit it. If you don't, our marriage is over as I will know that I cannot trust you to be truthful. Without trust there is no marriage. This is the last time I will ask you about this and if you aren't truthful, our marriage is over". But you MUST mean it. If you are not prepared to leave (or ask him to) then do NOT issue an ultimatum.

If you are not interested in working on the marriage, then don't bother trying to get him to admit anything, just make your exit plan and leave. You know what you know, his 'admission' is irrelevant.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 09/09/2014 08:07

Say the app was wrong. It would be a massive coincidence to pick her street out of any street in the country. Twice.
You know what you know. He may never admit it but you don't actually need him to.
The previous affair if reason enough to ditch him and it's not a court of law. You don't have to prove it to anyone. You have seen the evidence with your own eyes and he will bluff until he knows what you know - then the excuses and minimisations will come thick and fast.
It must be driving him nuts trying to figure out how and what you know!
Keep that power!
Don't give him back the power by begging for admissions which you will probably never get.

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