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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help, affair confrontation. He's in denial

76 replies

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 13:03

Hi all, a quick plea for support. No one in r l knows of this. Have just confronted my h about him seeing a woman who he had an emotional affair, at minimum, two years ago. I know he's been to her house at least twice in past two weeks as it showed up on find my iphone on the iPad. I haven't told him how I know, just that I know he's been to her house. He is saying he doesn't know where she lives or what I'm talking about. Keeps asking when he was meant to have been there and who's told me that. I am saying nothing, just I can't talk to you until you stop lying. What shall I do next??? There was no other evidence on phone etc, he is very careful since the lady episode...

OP posts:

bleedingheart · 08/09/2014 13:53

You don't need to wait for him to tell you the truth. You can end the marriage at any time.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Spanglecrab · 08/09/2014 13:55

As others have stated he is trying to work out what you know to try to come up with excuses that fit the circumstances. How long was he there for?

HanselandGretel · 08/09/2014 13:55

Keep on saying what you're saying. Then silence. He'll fill the silence eventually. If it's with more lies, rinse and repeat.

I disagree that you need to keep pressing for the truth. Why wait for him to admit anything, he will only mess with your head, if he is out to deceive and you have your own proof that is all you need to know right there.

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 13:56

I know the dread of having to carry on and do 'normal' day to day things while inside you are breaking. But - you can do it!

I carried on as normal for 3 weeks, I used to sit at my desk and cry, I would cry in the supermarket, I was a mess. Then I realised I needed to take some time out and my GP signed me off work.

Put on sunglasses to pick up your son, give him a big hug when you see him and get home.

Please remember that this is no longer your 'D'H's decision as to whetehr he tells you the truth. You know where he's been, you know he has been lying to you. This is your decision to make, you are in control but take your time. Maybe ask him to leave for a couple of weeks so you can think.

Have you spoken to anyone in RL?

This has been going on for 2 years?! Your DS is 2 - for me it would be unforgivable.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 14:00

The two times I saw on iPad were around 45 mins I know alone that doesn't seem much. How many other times, he had ample opportunities. Dog walking, playing badminton, riding bike etc. And it's her, it's her who he sent 5o texts a day to and rang for up to two hours a time two years ago. You are all right, I am not behaving with any self respect

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 14:07

Oh no mojo - I don't think anyone on here has said that you are not behaving with any self respect. It is him who is treating you with no respect. You have done nothing wrong.

I was advised to get more evidence of my stbxh's affair but I decided for my own health, I didn't need or want to know any more detail. You know where he has been and that he is lying, you don't need to know anymore. Take some time to decide what is best for you.

CaptainFracasse · 08/09/2014 14:07

Is it possible he has another phone so you can't find his texts and phone calls that easily?

WellWhoKnew · 08/09/2014 14:08

Tell the world Missingmojo34, tell everyone as soon as you can. The local gossips will do the rest for you - but that's what enables you to get the support you need to get through this.

If I could turn back time, I would have picked up the phone right after and told someone, anyone what was happening.

It is the support I have received from neighbours, friends and family that allows me to face each day, each of the hard moments - and there have been plenty.

It is like being run over by a bus and expecting to put a sticking plaster on yourself to make it better.

It won't help you heal by dealing with this on your own. You cannot avoid dealing with it, but get as much help and support as you can for YOU.

Too many of us know the "disbelief" and sense of being "mad" that this kind of news makes us feel. It is, without doubt, the hardest thing as it makes you question your past, makes you terrified of the future and yet hate the present.

BUT THE THING TO REMEMBER: From now on, he has to take care of himself. YOU have to take care of YOU.

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 14:12

He just called me, I said I don't want to talk to him until he stops lying, he said he isn't lying so does that mean he can never talk to me? I repeated and said I didn't want to talk to him or for him to come home until he stops lying, he said he couldn't come home then as he can't tell me something that has never happened , I'm shaking

OP posts:

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 14:13

And I do think he has a secret phone yes

OP posts:

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 14:16

Is there any chance I am being paranoid and blowing it all out of proportion?? Secret phones and trusting data tracking apps??

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 08/09/2014 14:19

No chance I'm afraid missing, text him back and tell him that as he is obviously unable to return home you will be putting all his stuff in bin bags, and getting a local man with van to take it round to (write her address) and she can have all the shit to go with the arsehole....

Bogeyface · 08/09/2014 14:28

she can have all the shit to go with the arsehole....

Oh please text this! What a brilliant line!

I have to say that if you do say that you are sending it to her address (and give the address) I think he will back pedal so fast he will turn inside out. Once it is clear that this isnt based on gossip (him asking who you had been talking to shows he was rattled and thought someone had ratted him out), he will realise that you do in fact know what is going on.

HanselandGretel · 08/09/2014 14:47

Does the phone give an actual door number?

Quitelikely · 08/09/2014 14:55

You are doing the right thing. A man like that is not worth your time or love. You have given him a chance and he has blown it.

Do you know life is so much nicer and better when the person who your in a relationship with treats you with love and respect.

One thing to note: my dh has an app like the one you described. I used it once via the iPad to see where he was. When he got home he knew I had used it because he said his phone tells him. So I dunno if you want to try it on your phone and see if it tells you. That way he will already know you knew where he was. It just seems odd that he hasn't mentioned but like I say it could be a different app

LiberalLibertines · 08/09/2014 14:57

Text felicitys suggestion. He will shit himself, and hopefully start talking.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/09/2014 15:07

Is there any chance I am being paranoid and blowing it all out of proportion??

I find it hard to express how completely I understand you asking this - it's what years of doubt and anxiety do to you, as your previous comments made clear

As everyone else has said, he'll say nothing to incriminate himself and his only concern is trying to find out what you actually know and can prove, so that he can tell a story to match

Given his history I'm afraid the lies won't stop, so only you can decide what you want to do. The good news here is that you don't have to rush; some can make a quick break and some can't, but do prepare yourself for realising, as I had to, that divorce is the only realistic option in the end

Original poster

Missingmojo34 · 08/09/2014 15:10

The app said he was at number 28, she lives at 26

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 08/09/2014 15:12

"he said he couldn't come home then as he can't tell me something that has never happened"

In my opinion this is not something that an innocent person would say. Not in a million years. He'd be begging you to check his mobile, read his emails. Absolutely anything to reassure you that you're wrong about this. He'd be swearing on everything that's holy to please believe him. He can't believe that you'd think this of him. He would never dream of betraying you. He loves you with every fibre of his being. Etcetera etcetera etcetera. He hasn't.

kaykayblue · 08/09/2014 15:17

OP - what is sad is that you are handing him all the power in your relationship on a silver platter. He may never willingly tell you the truth. So what, you will just spend your whole life in limbo?

You don't need PERMISSION or an ADMISSION to end the relationship. You know what you know. So take control of your own life and make the decision for yourself. See a solicitor. Serve divorce papers.

He knows that you know, but isn't willing to admit ANYTHING until he knows exactly how MUCH you know.

Text him saying you are sending his things to the address, as others suggested. Then simply ignore his calls. He will get angry. He will want to know HOW you know.

I would recommend that you actually give him a false proof at first and see how he explains it. You could say that a close friend of yours SAW him going into the address, so you researched it and it was her address.

At which point he will tell you that he went there to fix something, or he went there for a cup of tea, or whatever. And then he is like a rat in a bag, because he will have given you PROOF that he was there.

If he denies it completely then you just need to stand by your guns and say "well, I wonder who has more to gain through lying about this. My friend - who risks losing our friendship through telling the truth about what she saw, or you, who risks an acrimonious divorce through telling the truth? Hmm. Difficult....so difficult..."

sparechange · 08/09/2014 15:31

Have you looked at the location logs on the actual iPhone?

If you can get his phone, go to Settings, then Privacy, then Location services (which should be set to 'on')

Then scroll to the bottom to 'system services' then click 'frequent locaitons'

It will bring up a list of locations that phone has been for the last few months, even it wasn't used to make a call/text at that location. It is pretty accurate, and will give you the exact time window that the phone was in that location plus the number of visits made to that location.

He can disable the feature by flicking 'location services' to off, so he might be wise to it but it isn't a particularly well-publicised function of iPhones... You can also clear the history, so lack of data on there isn't proof of innocence, but the address listed will be definite proof of guilt

mammadiggingdeep · 08/09/2014 15:50

He may never admit the truth- mine didnt. If you know it, you know it. You don't need them to admit it- you'll wait forever.

It's empowering to stop asking them and tell them you KNOW who they are, you don't like it and then take control. Personally my advice would be to ltb but I know it has to be your call.

Bogeyface · 08/09/2014 16:35

I agree that waiting for him to admit to everything before you make a decision is simply crazy making. Even if he did admit stuff you wouldnt know whether it was the whole truth. Cheaters will only admit to what they think you already know. So he was there, this you know, he may eventually admit to that. What happened while he was there? Chances are you will never find out for sure, he will swear it was for a coffee or to fix her laptop or whatever. In reality that is extremely unlikely (and 45 minutes, how romantic!) but as you cant say for sure, he will never admit it.

What you need to be doing now is thinking about what you want to do based on the information you have. He has lied, he is still lying, he is not doing anything to reassure you and his comments so far show that he is rattled by what you know. He is already questioning your mental health by suggesting you are paranoid, he would rather let you worry that you are losing your mind than admit to anything (a common one sadly, they will do anything to protect themselves). On balance it seems likely that this is a physical affair but I doubt you will ever get proof of that.

What do you want to happen now?

handfulofcottonbuds · 08/09/2014 16:39

I don't want this to upset you but my guess would be that he will say that she has been hassling him and he went round there to tell her once and for all to stop contacting him.

You are in control of this and the tears will stop, but you need RL support.

Bogeyface · 08/09/2014 16:42

handful I was thinking that too, they are so bloody predictable arent they?

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