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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not in love anymore :( awful :(

67 replies

Notinloveanymoreandsad · 07/09/2014 20:47

Hello, I have seen a thread on here many many months ago about a lovely lady not being in love with her husband anymore... It was very interesting thread.... Anyway
I'm in the same boat - I don't love my husband anymore. We have been married 11 years + 1 child.
I am upset with myself for feeling like this Sad what do people do when they fell out of love?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 21:07

It depends on the individual and context. What does 'falling out of love' look like for you? Has something specific happened or have you grown apart?

mrsmaturin · 07/09/2014 21:21

I agree - what does 'not being in love' look like for you?

Original poster
Notinloveanymoreandsad · 07/09/2014 21:31

We have had our ups and down I guess like everybody, but he did let me down many times.... No cheating though.

How do I know that I don't love him anymore? In the past when things were really bad I still felt inside the 'love' for him, but now even when things r good I feel just Empty. I really don't have any feelings for him anymore. Its really awful :/ I cant have sex with him anymore and I'm very inpatient with him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 21:35

Would it come as a shock to him if you said it was over do you think, or is he aware that your marriage is on the rocks?

Original poster
Notinloveanymoreandsad · 07/09/2014 21:49

I think he is aware that things r a bit "different" now... No sex and I am a bit more selfish as well as I started to focus more on myself, studies and thinking about going back to work (sahm) but for sure he doesn't think I no longer love him.
We have been through s..t and I didn't leave him. Now things r much better and he is a good man so he definitely doesn't suspect lack of love or anything like that.

But what do I do now? Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/09/2014 22:17

Get legal advice, practical advice, moral support, start making plans, have it all worked out how things will proceed and then give him the bad news. It's going to be tough but there's no point dragging these things out or giving people false hopes.

joanofarchitrave · 07/09/2014 23:39

I personally think that long-term couples have to, and can, fall in love more than once. But what do I know, I'm struggling myself atm.

MamaMotherMummy · 07/09/2014 23:53

Do you think you've fallen out of love because he's a 'good man'?

Were you passionate about him before but no longer are? Do you have other passions in life? What really makes you interested/excited/enthusiastic in life?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2014 07:12

If the OP has fallen out of love it's going to be a function of 'let down many times' and that they've 'been through shit'. The two statements may or may not be connected but I would estimate that, during these rough times, the OP has been under stress and become increasingly disillusioned with her DH but chosen to hold it together & 'stand by her man' - possibly because the alternatives seemed worse. I'd also speculate that the desire to get a job, complete studies etc comes from a feeling of insecurity. The OP felt under threat in some way, possibly financial, and is resolving to rectify it by being less dependent on their DH

I read it that now the crisis is over and the stress has subsided they are looking at their partner in a new light.... and not liking what they see.

Chuckthefucklebrothers · 08/09/2014 07:59

I was in a very similar situation to you OP - I ended the relationship (well, what was left of it) six months ago. It was very hard but it just felt like the only honest thing left to do. I still feel guilty (he knew things weren't right but wanted us to stay 'together' anyway) but I still feel that I did the right thing & like a massive weight has lifted from my shoulders. I am mostly happy & I hadn't been for a long time. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Original poster
Notinloveanymoreandsad · 08/09/2014 15:05

U r right Cogito...
When things were tough(and things were really awful :/)I stayed because I still loved him and being sahm with no support I didn't see any other options. Now our dc will be 4 and understands the tension or lack of love between us. I think. DC is also very sensitive and I don't know what to do :/
If I leave - I have nowhere to go and we will be poor maybe? Don't want my child to suffer because of me :/

OP posts:
Original poster
Notinloveanymoreandsad · 08/09/2014 15:07

and even though he is better I just don't love him :/

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2014 15:10

If you're being held back by 'maybe' that's the time to go & get some rock solid information. Accommodation and finance are usually top of the list of concerns for people in your position. See CAB, see a solicitor, get well informed and eliminate 'maybe'. Then you can make a decision based on hard facts and not fears or assumptions.

minkah · 08/09/2014 15:14

Your feelings have gone numb. You are blocked, or shut down.

You can Find ways of re animating your feelings.

You could Warm up your hearts toward one another. Decide if you want to release the old resentments that are clogging your emotional arteries.

Unblock yourself, unfreeze the ice.

You need to do this, for yourself, for your own emotional well being.

The issue of going or staying is secondary, the first thing to address is your numbness. Sounds like you may have a backlog of unresolved disappointments.

startinoveronmyway · 08/09/2014 17:16

Agree with minkah .

Is it about him or is it about you ? How are you feeling about your life with issues not related to him. Do you like your life, yourself?

How would being apart from this person improve your life? Would you do things you are not able to do now?

Conversely, how would it feel to be in love with him again? Would that be better than being apart? Never mind if you do or don't think you can fall in love with him again, that ember most likely can be sparked again (but as a couple, not on your own).

You have a choice.....leave him, hands up and walk away, or hands up, share with him and do the work needed to spark that flame.

Either way, do something soon and don't make him live a lie.

Original poster
Notinloveanymoreandsad · 08/09/2014 17:48

Thank you for all your advice.
I know I have to do something soon or I will just go crazy. I keep thinking whats better? Leave and jump into unknown or play safe and live with the father of my child without the spark, sex, intimacy etc.
i know my parents want me to stay at home and thats sad that I cant count on them, but I feel like.... I dont know... I feel like I'm suffocating. He works a lot flexible hours + weekends which makes it for me almost impossible to work :/
He is trying now but... it just annoys me. He had to be better earlier... Now it seems too late....
He wants us to stay together, he believes that once we have a child we must stay together.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2014 20:30

Please don't go that 'stay together for the child' route. It's horribly unfair on the child. If you stay together, do it because it's what you really want and not just because it's the safe option. That way lies a lifetime of resentment. If you're feeling that it's too little too late then it's sad but it happens. If your parents are likely to put pressure on you to stick it out I think it's even more reason to get information around you. Take the split seriously, show them you're committed to making the break and you'll probably get more support than if you appear wishy-washy.

Original poster
Notinloveanymoreandsad · 09/09/2014 21:52

But maybe quiet and easy life for our dc is better then the alternative?
I cant even imagine having to share my dc, not have my child full time with me. Just awful.

I feel stuck. Angry with myself:/

R there many women out there is the same boat?

OP posts:
minkah · 10/09/2014 10:09

Yes. Everyone has to work to keep their feelings alive. Love dies without nurturing and attention, just like a plant.

If we don't address our tendencies to shut down emotionally and reject others, we just move through relationship after relationship, blaming others for their fallibility.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 10:25

"R there many women out there is the same boat?"

Thousands, I would say. All waiting for some big crisis to finally put the mockers on a crappy relationship that isn't going anywhere but isn't totally intolerable yet. I don't know what the PP is going on about ('addressing tendencies to shut down emotionally'? what a load of rubbish) but what's probably holding you back is fear and lack of confidence. Fear of the unknown, fear of not seeing your DCs for a couple of days a week, financial fears, fears of parental disapproval, fear of disrupting children... the list goes on.

My parents have been together 56 years now because neither of them ever had the guts to make the split. It's been like watching a very long, very slow train crash and IMHO it's been a massive waste of two perfectly good lives.

So if you stay together, pull out all the stops with counselling etc. If you split, do it cleanly. But please, as someone who grew up in a loveless household, don't go for a half-way house and stay miserable because it's an utterly rotten experience for the DCs

minkah · 10/09/2014 10:30

Op knows in her deepest self if she wants to revive her feelings, or if there is an irretrievable breakdown.

Cogito, I'm sorry about your parents. I wouldn't project your dismay at their lifestyle, onto OP here, if I were you. The situation may not be parallel.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/09/2014 10:35

I'm not projecting exactly, I'm using the example of my parents to illustrate how a half-hearted relationship that is not bad enough to end can lead to a very long, very slow decline that is miserable, not just for the couple themselves, but also to their DCs. If you note, I conclude by saying that if they choose to stay in the marriage, to do it wholeheartedly.

QuintessentiallyQS · 10/09/2014 10:38

I feel for you. I think that sometimes love can come back. But if you have gone through shit and been let down, and now see him in a different light, the likelihood is that you will not fall in love with him again, unless he had a light-bulb moment and really tried hard to focus on his wife and child.

However, there does not seem to be any abuse, alcoholism, or mistreatment from his side, so it is not like you need to flee.

How about plan your life, complete your studies, and find a job? Plan towards independent life, and get us much information together so that you approach this calmly. One step at the time.

If he meanwhile surprises you while you work towards your goal, all the better.

Phalenopsis · 10/09/2014 10:53

My advice OP is to focus on your own life: go on that training course, get a job, arrange childcare. Try to make yourself as independent as possible not solely because of financial reasons and implications but also to boost your confidence. Another way to boost it albeit indirectly, is to see a solicitor for a free consultation. Knowledge is power and gives you confidence. You don't have to act on the solicitor's advice straight away but it's good to know what is likely to happen if you do split. It'll seem less daunting. Also find out what you'd be entitled to in terms of benefits etc.

I mention the above because you're obviously scared of the future and who wouldn't be but by focusing on yourself and 'getting your ducks in order', it'll help with perspective and help separate your fears for the future and feelings for your husband which I suspect at the moment, are all mixed up.

Note: I wouldn't be advising all of the above if the OP was in an abusive relationship. The OP doesn't sound as though she is in one.

Murdermysteryreader · 10/09/2014 10:57

Have you read: 'I love you but I am not in love with you.' google this on Amazon - some useful pointers in this book by Andrew Marshall about how to know whether it is the end or how to get the love back. really worth a read.

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