Not in love anymore :( awful :(

[Notinloveanymoreandsad]

Hello, I have seen a thread on here many many months ago about a lovely lady not being in love with her husband anymore... It was very interesting thread.... Anyway
I'm in the same boat - I don't love my husband anymore. We have been married 11 years + 1 child.
I am upset with myself for feeling like this what do people do when they fell out of love?

I'm wondering that too, he is older then me and I'm thinking that I'm stealing his only chance to meet somebody and be happy and even have another baby(he is 42 now)
Problem is he wants the family to stay together, its awful, I really feel for him, feel sorry for him that he lives with me now - I'm not very nice to him. Cant help it :(
I'm 10 years younger and feel like life is going through my fingers....
I just don't know what to do :(

I went to CAB and the lady there was really rude and rushing, I started mumbling something about my situation and she said £64 child maintenance per week + £20 child benefit, tax credits and in the court it will probably go 50/50 childcare.
I asked how it will work 50/50 as I'm sahm and he is working A LOT!
She didn't have much advice, was rushing and stressed out, she made me feel like an idiot so I think I will need to fork out and go to see a solicitor.

Some solicitors will offer a free initial consultation and you can learn quite a lot from that. If you appoint them to deal with your divorce sometimes they can be persuaded to take their final feel out of the financial settlement rather than up front. Most will recommend that you go to mediation to work out the details regarding money, property and dividing time spent with children rather than take up court time.

You can either get a free 30 minute slot with a few solicitors, or go back to CAB. If the person is rushing, ask to make an appointment where you can discuss things when they will be able to "focus on your questions" which is code for "stop fucking about".

If they get tersey with you, ask to speak to their manager, and wait. Explain to the manager that you have come in, in a vulnerable position, looking for practical advice, and have not appreciated being spoken to in a rude, condescending and completely flippant way. If they are no better, don't get drawn into a fight, but ask for the address of where you can send a formal complaint to their superiors.

Then double check the address online when you get home.

You are only 32. You have plenty of time to re build your life. Having the children away from you may seem like having your heart ripped out, but it is perfectly healthy to spend time away from your children, so you can work towards giving them a good life. A good life means a mother who has confidence, and can demonstrate to them that it's okay to depend on yourself and not stay in intolerable situations.

It's no surprise you have ended up in a marriage like this if your mother was in the same position. Children tend to replicate the marriages of their parents. Do you want YOUR children to end up in a marriage like this?

If you mother complains again, you can tersely remind her of all the complaining she does about how she sacrificed her life. She has taught you by example not to do the same.

By the way: there is NOTHING scarier for people than having customers threatening to lodge a formal complaint.

Thank u ladies, actually I got so upset about the whole thing that I am not too bothered about the complaint. Its done now.
Lesson learned - need a solicitor.

Being 'in love' is mostly a bit of a cop out. You fall in love, you fall out of love, its not your fault it's this external force over which we have no control.....
Being in love is that period of a relationship when you suppress all critical faculties and see only the things you want to see - and it can last for years.
There are very few long term relationships that do not have to struggle with their partners' feet of clay.
The reality of separation will be less money, less emotional support,less time for achieving your personal ambitions and a poorer childhood for children. The only upside is the prospect of another chance at the perfect loving relationship. A triumph of hope over experience.
Having said all that, I am still very much the romantic - I just don't trust love as a guide to action.
Good luck in whatever you choose.

"The only upside is the prospect of another chance at the perfect loving relationship. A triumph of hope over experience."

The 'upside' in the first instance is going to be a calm and happy independence!!!! Freedom. Autonomy. Why do people assume that the opposite of an unhappy marriage for a woman is another relationship? There is such a thing as being content with your own company. It is not compulsory for anyone to be in a relationship, compromising & accommodating someone else.

Being in love may be a transient & debatable thing but when those feet of clay you mention are causing everyone in the home misery and are no longer tolerable, then ideas of love are redundant & it's time to make a sharp exit.

Im in a very similar situation to you OP. Ive been married for 14 yrs and have 2 DCs. We have had severe financial problems and ended up losing our house, DH was unfaithful, weve both had health issues, - basically ben thru shit. I've stayed (rightly or wrongly) for the sake ofthe kids. We don't fight but I hold all my anger, resentment and unhappiness inside which causes me a lot of stress. Recently Ive been crying a lot and it's just getting all too much, pretending to the outside world that everything is fine. I haven't told anyone how miserable i am or what's gone on in the relationship as I'm ashamed, plus we live in a small community. I work from home but don't earn enough to support myself and the kids. I plan to retrain and find a job fulltime, tho I'm 45 and the job situation is dire where we live. I would love to have the confidence to just leave tomorrow. I have no savings and our financial situation is not good.

In the same boat, he is 10 yrs older ww have 2 dc 3.5 and 8 months. I've lost my feelings for him, we are incompatible, and i know its me thats pushing him away. Waiting for him to fuck up so I can have a go at him. I hate the way I am.

**SingleDadretired The reality of separation will be less money, less emotional support,less time for achieving your personal ambitions and a poorer childhood for children. The only upside is the prospect of another chance at the perfect loving relationship. A triumph of hope over experience.
**
This is very depressing statment.

Cogito - thank you for your reply - I'm not looking for a "better" version of my husband. I want to leave because we no longer work and I'm suffocating in this relationship.
Comments from people like SingleDad really knock me down :/

Welsh - thank u for sharing - I feel your pain - I'm not nice to my husband as well - just nasty hoping that he might do the hard work and leave me first! ?? really awful

Perthmom - thank u for sharing.
I feel trapped just like you, money is tight, people on the outside think we r solid couple and should stay together, but nobody knows how lonely, empty and sad I feel when I am with a man I no longer love ... :/
Life is short and we only got 1 shot at it - I want to be happy!

So.... quick sad update, told my parents today that I want to take some time away from my husband.
Long story cut short - they were so angry, shouting and telling me to get a grip, they said they r poor and wont let me live with them, told me that I'll be homeless, poor and alone, I was speachless and left in tears.

Notinlove - possibly not what you needed to hear from your folks. They sound shocked and scared. But you can manage alone, oh yes you can! And you k ow in your heart you will be happier and therefore so will the kids.
Build a network or support around you and believe in yourself . I hope your parents are coming round to it.