Not in love anymore :( awful :(

[Notinloveanymoreandsad]

Hello, I have seen a thread on here many many months ago about a lovely lady not being in love with her husband anymore... It was very interesting thread.... Anyway
I'm in the same boat - I don't love my husband anymore. We have been married 11 years + 1 child.
I am upset with myself for feeling like this what do people do when they fell out of love?

Thank you so much for all your advice. I'm really taking it all in.
I don't really think I have an 'emotional blockage' but I feel trapped and feel like I just cant breath. I am starting to think about myself for the first time ever and I want to go back to work, study and make my child proud. I also want to be independent in case of a split.
After over 10 years it does seem like a failure to get divorced. I stood by my man when he was really dreadful and now.... I really do feel like I don't love him anymore :/ I know I don't make him happy these days either as I'm really cold to him, nagging, no sex etc. i really feel like I'm just a different woman?
But I'm really worried about dc and how life will be for my little darling when we split up. I just cant imagine it now dc is very very very sensitive. I don't want to fall in the trap called "staying for the kids " but maybe sometimes its better for the kids that way? If mum and dad like each other and love the child?
life

The video basically argues that being in love is an action rather than a feeling and you have to make an effort to do the things that came naturally and spontaneously in the beginning.

'If mum and dad like each other.....'

Stay for the kids if you like each other and can behave as if you like each other. But 'cold, nagging and no sex' and an atmosphere where both of you are unhappy - maybe spilling over into bad-tempered arguments - is not behaving as if you like each other. That's what damages children.

Ergh... U r right Cogito.... Who am I kidding? The reason I even consider leaving is because things started affecting our child...
Do u think he will be a good dad when we brake up? I mean he will be hurt and angry and maybe just nasty? Worried

I have no idea if he'll be a good father but he's the only father your DCs will ever have so they're all just going to have to make the best of it. Most people would be hurt and angry in a relationship break-down so that's probably a given. Then again, if he's as unhappy as you are, it could end up being a positive thing - a fresh start for you both

Maybe u r right, but its very very scary and hard.... I also have parents that stayed together and made each other unhappy.

I think if you suspect he might be nasty on breaking up (e.g., take it out on your innocent child) then you probably have your answer as to whether it's worth trying to revive the relationship.

All this stuff aboyt 'blockages' and 'working at the love'..... mmmm, comes a bit too close to 'subjugating your own feelings' and 'if it's not working, it's your fault cos you're just not trying hard enough. Well, maybe your feelings are actually corrrect and appropriate.

Follow your heart. Life is short. Show your child that happiness matters.

But I completely hear you. It's hard. But you know, life happens. It's natural you want to protect your child but..... were you protected by your parents staying together for your sake? Do you think they did the right thing?

concernedaboutheboy and cogito -
Thank you so much for your replies, both of you very wise and kind.
It actually makes me want to cry reading your responses....

"All this stuff aboyt 'blockages' and 'working at the love'..... mmmm, comes a bit too close to 'subjugating your own feelings' and 'if it's not working, it's your fault cos you're just not trying hard enough. Well, maybe your feelings are actually corrrect and appropriate" -

Thank u for saying that... I blame myself for not loving my partner, for thoughts about leaving, for wanting more, for being different, for everything..... Its refreshing to hear that my feelings might just be appropriate and ok.

"Follow your heart, life is short"
I told this to my my and grandma - they both said that I'm crazy and should stay for a child. Without my partner I will be homeless sahm and my dc will be unhappy. ://///
No support. Depressing :(

Notinlove: there are thousands of women out there getting on with their lives, raising their children with no family help at all. It can be done but you need to have confidence in yourself and your abilities. It doesn't necessarily follow that you will be homeless if you leave or that your DC will be unhappy. Unhappiness is being part of a family where there is no love or mutual respect and wondering why it's happening and whether it's your fault.

Set a few pounds away a week in an account only known to yourself. Think about what education and training you could put in place. It might not all seem so insuperable and hopeless once you have A PLAN. And it could make the present seem a lot more tolerable if there's an end in sight that you're working towards.

I know what it's like to go through shit and be let down. Respect flies right out of the window and love follows soon after.

All I would say about your DM and DGM comments is that they are from a different generation and are influenced by their own decisions and experiences.

If your mum thought it was best to stay together for the sake of the children, that's probably why she thinks you should do same. My parents are also 'deniers' e.g. think putting up and shutting up is preferable to causing "a scene". My mum is almost pathalogically selfless and always puts her own needs last. It's not been healthy for her.

OP-Im in the same situation.DH and I got together very young and have simply grown apart.There is no abuse, and actually we are still friends most of the time, but thats it-there is no longer any spark for me.We first discussed this two years ago and agreed to try at the relationship, but really with the best will in the world, we were as good at being friends and parents as we could be, but there was no way of getting anything else back.DH has taken two years to begin to accept this.Meanwhile we are still living in the same house, albeit with increasingly separate lives.As our girls get older, they are beginning to notice more-not because we argue massively, (we have argued only once in their presence and both felt dreadful about it), but because we sleep in separate rooms and don't go out together etc etc.
We are trying to agree on a way to move forward but this isn't going well.DH earns a lot more than me but also works longer hours, though we both work full time.As such I do most of the childcare before and after work, which makes it hard for us to split time with the children equally if we were to move out of our house say and live seperately. DH insists he will only do this if he can have the kids half the time, which would actually be more than he has them now and isn't possible with his current job.He can't move past this standpoint but nor has he sought to decrease the time he is at work etc, so we are at an empasse. This is a miserable situation for both DH and I as neither of us are able to move on.
My parents love my DH and have been extremely condemnatory towards me-they say, as many do, that if its not abusive per se, then you should stay and suck it up.They now have a better relationship with him than they do me, which I have found to be extremely hurtful.I am trying to maintain the girls and my relationship with them although at times have had to step back from it as any conversation ended in an argument and made me feel more awful about myself, which I already did and do anyway....None of this is easy at all, and I've not done any of it lightly, but I felt like I was dying by trying to stay in a dead relationship and thinking towards the future what will happen when the girls grow up and leave home-what a waste of both dh and my lives it will all have been...
I have lost a lot of our mutual friends over this as well although am lucky that I also have a set of friends that are very supportive.
DH earns a lot more than me and we live in an expensive area.Financially the future looks quite scary and there is a lot of uncertainty, which is scary.
I have felt extremely sad about the end of our relationship, petrified and very guilty regarding the effect this will have on the girls, and guilty towards DH who is genuinely a good man and a great Dad.
But for all that I still remain convinced that it wouldn't be right for us to stay together.The option of splitting up is the harder one definitely but I think ultimately we will be happier apart in the end.
Best of luck to you whatever you decide...

OP- Im also in the same boat, I feel like everyones world would be turned upside down if I was to leave so I stay for the peace/ safety/ familiarity etc.

I feel no passion/ romance/ dont fancy him/ dont really want to have sex but the alternative (leaving) seems like a worse option right now.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - thank you for your advice, have u been let down by your partner too that you talk about "Respect flies right out of the window and love follows soon after" ? Leaving is difficult money-wise too - all I have is £300 in my account - thats it. Not enough for deposit, not enough for anything.

concernedaboutheboy - thank you,
my mum is the same as yours - always put herself last, which I don't like. These days she always acts as a "victim" moans that she sacrificed her life for us etc ... Its awful :( she doesn't respect my dad and their marriage is pathetic - I don't want a life like that :/ but its hard because when I told her about leaving my partner - she told me to have more kids with him (?!?!) :((

Yardley - thank you for sharing with me your story, I can see how difficult your situation is, I'm glad that u r still friends and kind to each other, but I think your husband is being unreasonable, he knows he cant have girls half the time as he is working a lot and so far didn't cut his working hours to spend more time with the girls(?) if u r working I think u could maybe cut one day off work to look after girls and pay less for childcare and claim working tax credit? Would u stay in family home? If he earns much more money then u I think it would be easier for him to find a place on his own? How old r your children?
My dc is 4 and started noticing that something is not quite right.... :(((

getthroughit - thank you, I really feel for you as I am in exactly the same situation. I feel no passion or love for him. I am dying inside but scared of the fall out :(

they are 7 and 8 OP....I can't cut down a day unfortunately as mine is the kind of job that you have to be in situ for-managing care services-so can't do part time, plus its a new-ish job so need to wait another 6 months or so before I could even put in a flexible working request....in many ways I think it might even be better for me to stop work all together-maybe you get more rights as a sahm in terms of custody?-but have never not worked and it wouldn't feel right for me to stop work now for that reason...it would be alot easier for him to find somewhere on his own-but he won't hear of it, and yet still won't explain how he intends to look after our girls on the hypothetical days he has them but is at work....I suppose this way he retains control of the situation and as he probably feels quite precarious emotionally still, then he's hanging on to that.Not good for anyone involved really :(

I think personally that if u like your job and don't feel comfortable not working then that means u should work. Girls r 7 and 8 so not babies that need their mum full time. If u r thinking about leaving your husband - u need income. I'm sahm and I feel worthless / I don't even have money to rent anything, to provide for my own child, I'm nobody :( and worried that in terms of custody it wont look very good... :/ I feel so stuck and scared and trapped :(((((((((
I don't know what to do anymore.

Back to u - I think your husband is just talking BIG BS - he obviously knows that he cant have girls while he's at work and that he earns more then u so its easier for him to find a new place + better for girls to stay in a family home.
I think he is a bit of a bully?
Trying to show u that he is the boss here, in control?

You aren't worthless at all.Had I had the choice when the girls were young I would have stayed home with them-we just couldn't afford it then.you have done the best for them when they re little and didn't you say you were going back to college?Thats a huge step-you have to be quite brave to do that after being away from work/education for so long.
In terms of any custody I actually think stay at home mums might be viewed favourably-just on anecdotal evidence....
I don't think my H is a bully per se, he is a very devoted Dad and he just can't get his head around his idea that he won't see the DD's as much-Which i do get.However, he also can't see the reality that in practice he won't see them much less than he does now-he will simply have to plan his time to see them, rather than just be able to come at whatever time he chooses (as designated by work hours etc) and we'll all be there as we are now (albeit the girls are just going to bed or already asleep when he gets in).And thats quite frustrating for me as until he gets his head round it we're all stuck.And so we go on...

don't think my H is a bully per se, he is a very devoted Dad and he just can't get his head around his idea that he won't see the DD's as much-Which i do get.However, he also can't see the reality that in practice he won't see them much less than he does

*by bully I just meant that he is manipulating u into staying on the grounds that "he wont see his daughters" but the truth is he wont see them much less - he will just have to plan to see them and will spend time with them Without u"
He knows that - he is just stoping u from leaving... Maybe he is hoping u will stay? U didn't leave so far...

Ah, well yes I think there is an element of that.He know I can't leave due to finances so...still he's away not til next week so at least thats a breather for us all...

Thats what I'm scared off - finances.
I don't have money and scared of being very poor and my dc suffering :( we live in London so very expensive to rent. I'm also worried how will my husband behave once we split? Will he be resentful, hurt and nasty? Will he fight with me for our daughter? I'm just so scared and anxious about it all :(

it might be worth going to the CAB just to see hypothetically what help you can get benefits wise etc...then at least you'd have a realistic picture.
They can also advise you about what rights you both have as parents. I guess then you can weigh up wether you want to stay or you think it even possible to go it alone.Knowledge is power I suppose.
We're also in the South East, just North of London and its hideously expensive which doesn't help at all, you're right...
I would say that if you do decide you want to leave he will inevitably be hurt, angry and probably at least a bit nasty at first.But do you think he would be able to kind of calm down after its had time to settle in....is he a vindictive person per se? But then you can never know how someone will react I guess.
My only other point would be that would it be even fair to stay knowing that you don't love him anymore? because it doesn't give him much of a chance at happiness either I suppose...but that might just me be projecting my feelings about my own marriage on to you, so feel free to ignore :)