Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I try to meet this man or run for the hills?

90 replies

coffeewithchips · 06/09/2014 20:05

I recently met a guy on a dating site and I felt we clicked. We have similar interests and lifestyles and at first, it was looking positive. He lives about an hour away from me, so we spoke online for a few days and planned to meet when both of our jobs have eased up a bit more. We haven't met in real life yet but I was very happy to organise a meeting soon (until recently.)

The thing is, there is something about him that's really intense and a little clingy. He wants to speak to me every evening for the whole evening. If I don't reply for some reason, he will send a sad message that sometimes guilt trips me a bit. He also messages every day saying 'have you thought about me today?' which is awkward because sometimes I haven't.

The last straw came when I got a really long essay basically moaning that he's seen I've been online and I haven't replied to his message and he knows I'm talking to other people because he's 'not naive'. He wrote loads about investing in me and wanting to feel appreciated so that he gets something back. I haven't actually been talking to other people though, or even online! I have an app on my phone that perhaps keeps me logged in but tbh I'm thinking of deleting the site as OD isn't for me.

I got fed up with this because if he is like this before we've even met, what will he be like further down the line? I refused to give him my phone number which he also got upset about, but I just think he'd be texting constantly.

So I sent a polite message explaining that he seems to need a lot of attention so perhaps it would be better if he dated someone nearer to him who can give him that time.

He wrote back saying he was 'always happy to hear from me' and that he enjoys thinking about me every day because it's 'not hurting anybody' to do that. Hmm
Then he said that he's not going to 'leave me' just because of that, and that I am smart enough to know that things aren't ideal. He said he will move jobs or towns in the future to be nearer to me. He just wants to know that I think he is special too.

On one hand, it is nice that he seems to think so much of me as most men in the past haven't treated me well. However, he seems a little clingy and intense. I am considering deleting my account so he will have no way to contact me but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. Half of me thinks that I should go through with meeting him and perhaps it would be a good relationship. But what if he becomes obsessive? He seems a bit of a loner. Never mentions seeing any friends etc. so I am a little worried.

Any thoughts on the situation would be helpful.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 19:20

He doesn't have Facebook thankfully. He said he hated technology and social media and...

Ok. Did you know that gullible isn't in the dictionary?

Hurr1cane · 07/09/2014 19:31

He hates technology but knows all about online dating? Don't think so like.

coffeewithchips · 07/09/2014 19:33

FunkyBoldRibena, I'm not stupid. I have searched his email using Facebook search and Google to check. He does seem odd enough to be a complete technophobe and on his profile, he wrote about how he doesn't like that sort of thing so deliberately doesn't use Twitter/FB etc. Given how eager he was to stay in touch, I think that if he'd had a Facebook, he'd have asked to add me on there when we were talking.

I know I should have cut contact faster but you are making me feel even worse than I already feel.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 07/09/2014 19:43

The longer you leave, the harder he is going to take it.

Personally I'd be telling him that I am sorry but I decided to get back with my highly protective, slightly crazy and very big and strong Ex???

(not really but I'd be a little concerned about this guy if he has any of your personal details - only skim read so not sure if he does!!)

sonjadog · 07/09/2014 20:00

He will probably move onto someone else now. Don't worry any more about it. Move on and find someone nicer!

Footle · 07/09/2014 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footle · 07/09/2014 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazylady321 · 07/09/2014 23:10

Doesnt sound right, can you block him? Has he got your mobile number? or any personal info on you?

YouAreMyRain · 09/09/2014 12:52

My DP is a complete technophobe (eg every time he wants to copy and paste I have to show him, EVERY time!), he doesn't have FB twitter PTA smartphone etc but we met through OD. He uses EBay and coped with OD but everything else technical is a total mystery to him.

Sounds plausible to me.

minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 09/09/2014 12:56

your radar was on op, take strength from that fact. Prob not necessary to have deleted your profile, could you not have just blocked him?

startinoveronmyway · 09/09/2014 13:10

Oh god, save yourself woman! Men like this are deep sea parasites!

mummytime · 09/09/2014 13:36

If you have had several relationships which were controlling you might want to think about Counselling or even the Freedom Programme.

M27J5M · 09/09/2014 13:41

Either delete your account or just block him!!

Hissy · 09/09/2014 13:52

I know I should have cut contact faster but you are making me feel even worse than I already feel.

Please don't beat yourself up love, you just weren't prepared for someone like him. The fact that you are a nice person is not a weakness, but without boundaries and a trust in your instincts, a person like him will see that vulnerability and exploit it. People like him can sniff that out.

When you have had a few days to think calmly, try to look back and see if now, with hindsight, you can see the signs that were there which is why you did the separate email and didn't want to give your number.

We should ALL have done some things sooner, I shouldn't have wasted 10 years of my life with my ex... you can imagine how much I kicked myself and how monumentally idiotic I felt when finally free... you have not reached that level by a long shot!

Eyes, tits and teeth love, dust yourself off and carry on. You did the right thing, and that is all that counts.

cafesociety · 09/09/2014 15:23

I echo what Hissy says. You did well, I think you were 95per cent there in realising this guy was weird, very weird....and wanted confirmation.

Many of us get taken in by certain personalities as their distorted predatory behaviour, bizarre logic and deviousness is not something we know about ourselves so we don't identify it that quickly.

I've been taken for a mug more than once, and beaten myself up about it....and hung around too long with people who are bad for me. But they are the ones with the problem alright.

I am still learning about myself, about what to be wary of in life. We are all constantly learning about life, instincts, and what we need to know. You have learnt a valuable lesson and had valuable experience without real damage done.....and more aware of what some people are capable of.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread