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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I try to meet this man or run for the hills?

90 replies

coffeewithchips · 06/09/2014 20:05

I recently met a guy on a dating site and I felt we clicked. We have similar interests and lifestyles and at first, it was looking positive. He lives about an hour away from me, so we spoke online for a few days and planned to meet when both of our jobs have eased up a bit more. We haven't met in real life yet but I was very happy to organise a meeting soon (until recently.)

The thing is, there is something about him that's really intense and a little clingy. He wants to speak to me every evening for the whole evening. If I don't reply for some reason, he will send a sad message that sometimes guilt trips me a bit. He also messages every day saying 'have you thought about me today?' which is awkward because sometimes I haven't.

The last straw came when I got a really long essay basically moaning that he's seen I've been online and I haven't replied to his message and he knows I'm talking to other people because he's 'not naive'. He wrote loads about investing in me and wanting to feel appreciated so that he gets something back. I haven't actually been talking to other people though, or even online! I have an app on my phone that perhaps keeps me logged in but tbh I'm thinking of deleting the site as OD isn't for me.

I got fed up with this because if he is like this before we've even met, what will he be like further down the line? I refused to give him my phone number which he also got upset about, but I just think he'd be texting constantly.

So I sent a polite message explaining that he seems to need a lot of attention so perhaps it would be better if he dated someone nearer to him who can give him that time.

He wrote back saying he was 'always happy to hear from me' and that he enjoys thinking about me every day because it's 'not hurting anybody' to do that. Hmm
Then he said that he's not going to 'leave me' just because of that, and that I am smart enough to know that things aren't ideal. He said he will move jobs or towns in the future to be nearer to me. He just wants to know that I think he is special too.

On one hand, it is nice that he seems to think so much of me as most men in the past haven't treated me well. However, he seems a little clingy and intense. I am considering deleting my account so he will have no way to contact me but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. Half of me thinks that I should go through with meeting him and perhaps it would be a good relationship. But what if he becomes obsessive? He seems a bit of a loner. Never mentions seeing any friends etc. so I am a little worried.

Any thoughts on the situation would be helpful.

OP posts:
Gruntbaby · 06/09/2014 20:21

Get away! Very worrying behaviour. Seriously - delete your account, block him from FB etc, check all your security. Hope you haven't given him any personal details.

AdoraBell · 06/09/2014 20:22

Can you print the messages? If so keep the one of you telling him it's finished and his response then delete your account.

Run. Hills are >> that way.

VeryLittleGravitasIndeed · 06/09/2014 20:24

The antidote to men who've treated you badly in the past is NOT to consider dating a stalker Confused

coffeewithchips · 06/09/2014 20:27

Thanks for your opinions.

I do have a history of attracting men who end up putting me down and being controlling a few months in. I think it's a self esteem thing as I'm often too nice and I put up with a lot.

I will delete my account and get rid of this guy. I think I was mistaking the controlling behaviour for caring about me/ liking me a lot. He kept saying he didn't want to change me but I think he's dodgy. Glad I didn't give him my number.

OP posts:
Meerka · 06/09/2014 20:30

god yes, it'd be a sight harder if you'd given him your number yes.

Maybe take a long look (in a kind way) at yourself and work out why you don't kick the controlling types to the curb quickly. I think everyone who's dating attracts them but some women don't give them the time of day and they quickly move on becuase they sense their tactics won't work.

I suspect the fact that you even needed to ask about this guy indicates that you have some work to do on telling tossers to go jump in the canal

despicableshe · 06/09/2014 20:34

Run Forrest!

Corabell · 06/09/2014 20:36

Run, block and delete.

Thank goodness he doesn't have your number.

Do you have Facebook? Could he find you on any other social media?

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/09/2014 20:40

It's great that you are recognising the early warning signs of this type of man. Consider that a success when you block him.

coffeewithchips · 06/09/2014 20:42

I do have facebook but he doesn't know my full name or email so he couldn't look me up.

OP posts:
YoniMitchell · 06/09/2014 20:43

"What if he becomes obsessive?"

He's already there!

Glad you've decided not to take it further with him, he sounds a nut job!

Footle · 06/09/2014 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 06/09/2014 20:50

I was going to suggest that you take up running, but I see it has been suggested already.

it's wrong, wrong, wrong.

Corabell · 06/09/2014 21:14

Could you shut if down for a short while just in case - he knows which town you live in and half a name is enough to give him a chance of finding you - or if any of your friends have open pages.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/09/2014 21:15

This man has more red flags around him that a Communist Party Convention. Do not contact him further but block and delete. No further engagement from you is required.

re your comment:-
"I do have a history of attracting men who end up putting me down and being controlling a few months in. I think it's a self esteem thing as I'm often too nice and I put up with a lot".

If this keeps happening then it is certainly in your interests to work further on you through counselling so that you can better recognise red flags and reigning in any co-dependency and/or people pleasing behaviours. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. There's likely an awful lot of stuff that needs to be unlearnt and that process needs to start now.

neiljames77 · 06/09/2014 21:23

Ask him to lend you a £1000...........wait until the cheque clears..........then run.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/09/2014 21:49

They end up being controlling a few months in? This one's controlling before you've started! Do not touch him even with somebody else's bargepole.

Gruntbaby · 06/09/2014 21:51

Maybe tell him you're moving to, I dunno, a city the other side of the country as you've been offered a job there. That might redirect his attentions if he starts hanging round your town looking out for you.

Best not to contact him again though.

Any passwords which have pet names, family names, interests he might guess from your conversations with him, change them pronto.

YouAreMyRain · 06/09/2014 22:17

Run.

You don't need to delete your OD account, you can just block him so you are invisible to him.

I met a guy once (once! Ffs!) and he wanted to move in with anyone daft enough me! I ran.

heyday · 06/09/2014 23:11

Delete your account and thank your lucky stars that you had a narrow escape from this overbearing weirdo.

Zazzles007 · 06/09/2014 23:18

Urgh, yuck, your description of this guy makes my skin crawl. Another vote for running for the hills!

AppleAndMelon · 06/09/2014 23:39

Do you really need to ask?

QuintessentiallyQS · 06/09/2014 23:44

He is a nutjob!

ForalltheSaints · 07/09/2014 08:07

Run away, just try and be polite about it.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/09/2014 08:29

Wow. I'm shocked that you even have to ask. This behaviour is completely off the scale crazy.

KneeQuestion · 07/09/2014 08:53

Run away, just try and be polite about it

This is half the trouble when dealing with dangerous men like this, women are conditioned that they must 'be polite', or 'nice', even when a man is not affording the same respect to them.

With men like this, being polite is seen as encouragement.

The OP, or any woman dealing with someone like this, does not owe them politeness. She has tried polite and he completely ignored her wishes.

Sod polite.

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