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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I try to meet this man or run for the hills?

90 replies

coffeewithchips · 06/09/2014 20:05

I recently met a guy on a dating site and I felt we clicked. We have similar interests and lifestyles and at first, it was looking positive. He lives about an hour away from me, so we spoke online for a few days and planned to meet when both of our jobs have eased up a bit more. We haven't met in real life yet but I was very happy to organise a meeting soon (until recently.)

The thing is, there is something about him that's really intense and a little clingy. He wants to speak to me every evening for the whole evening. If I don't reply for some reason, he will send a sad message that sometimes guilt trips me a bit. He also messages every day saying 'have you thought about me today?' which is awkward because sometimes I haven't.

The last straw came when I got a really long essay basically moaning that he's seen I've been online and I haven't replied to his message and he knows I'm talking to other people because he's 'not naive'. He wrote loads about investing in me and wanting to feel appreciated so that he gets something back. I haven't actually been talking to other people though, or even online! I have an app on my phone that perhaps keeps me logged in but tbh I'm thinking of deleting the site as OD isn't for me.

I got fed up with this because if he is like this before we've even met, what will he be like further down the line? I refused to give him my phone number which he also got upset about, but I just think he'd be texting constantly.

So I sent a polite message explaining that he seems to need a lot of attention so perhaps it would be better if he dated someone nearer to him who can give him that time.

He wrote back saying he was 'always happy to hear from me' and that he enjoys thinking about me every day because it's 'not hurting anybody' to do that.
Then he said that he's not going to 'leave me' just because of that, and that I am smart enough to know that things aren't ideal. He said he will move jobs or towns in the future to be nearer to me. He just wants to know that I think he is special too.

On one hand, it is nice that he seems to think so much of me as most men in the past haven't treated me well. However, he seems a little clingy and intense. I am considering deleting my account so he will have no way to contact me but I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do. Half of me thinks that I should go through with meeting him and perhaps it would be a good relationship. But what if he becomes obsessive? He seems a bit of a loner. Never mentions seeing any friends etc. so I am a little worried.

Any thoughts on the situation would be helpful.

OP posts:

Vacillating · 07/09/2014 09:06

Honestly don't date until you are ready and you sound a long way from being able to have a healthy relationship. Great that you are heading this one off but terrifying you had to ask.

Freedom programme, counselling... Get what you deserve

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/09/2014 09:11

Agree with everyone else. Run!!

DustBunnyFarmer · 07/09/2014 09:21

I agree with everyone else who has said run.

This is not an area where I have experience so I am sure the MN massive can advise on the wisdom/foolishness of this: is there any value in sending a final message before blocking along the lines of: "You seem to have misunderstood my previous message. I don't want a relationship with you. Do not contact me again." Then you have a very clear, unambiguous statement you can fall back on/show to the Police if he does start popping up in real life. I only mention this because he sounds pretty obsessed and, as others have hinted, one with potential for stalker-like behaviour.

Original poster

coffeewithchips · 07/09/2014 09:57

I have deleted my account, blocked him and blocked him from my email. The only email address he had was a new account I created because I didn't want to give him my real one. I guess when I look back, it shows that I was uncomfortable if I had to make a false email. I hope he can't find me in real life.

I did have a gut feeling he was bad news but he seemed so interested in me and normal at first and I wasn't used to that. That's why I gave him a chance. It was the complete disregard of what I wanted that rang alarm bells. I had tried cutting off contact a few days before as he was pressuring me to move where he lives in the future and leave my family, job and friends. He seemed really annoyed when I said I doubt is consider it. Was asking questions like 'well your town isn't the only place you can work in your field, why are you obsessed with staying there?' When I stopped talking on the OD site, he started emailing and asking what was wrong

I need to take a break from dating and focus on myself. I need to spot red flags earlier and draw the line when I notice them. Not just with men but all people. I think I let things get too far and I need to work on that.

OP posts:

EllaFitzgerald · 07/09/2014 09:57

I don't think you should run. I think you should jump in a very fast car and drive to those hills. Possibly breaking the speed limit as you go.

I've had experience with a man like this, although not through online dating. Once they get into your life, it will take a crowbar to get them out again!

Meerka · 07/09/2014 10:47

phew, he really was scary.

KneeQuestion · 07/09/2014 11:20

Well done OP

That is a really good idea. Enjoy being you!

SourSweets · 07/09/2014 11:33

Good call OP, I was reading your first post thinking "dear god, no!"

AppleAndMelon · 07/09/2014 11:34

Bloody hell - wanted you to move and you hadn't met him?

I'd make yourself non searchable on Facebook for a bit and block him on LinkedIn etc.

HanselandGretel · 07/09/2014 11:42

Creating a new email address was wise but really you shouldn't have even done that. If you are OD'ing messages on the site should suffice.

I doubt he could find you through FB, did he have your mobile? If that is stored on FB then you would be wise to change your setting so that no one can look you up by the number you gave etc.

Jacksonville14 · 07/09/2014 11:49

So pleased you blocked him - also, online Freedom Programme will be invaluable

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

blueemerald · 07/09/2014 11:49

Don't be too hard on yourself, OP. You spotted this guy a mile away and just needed a tiny nudge to confirm what you already knew. That sounds like massive progress compared to your previous encounters with inappropriate men. Just keep working on yourself because you are getting there.

Walkacrossthesand · 07/09/2014 11:50

Well done OP, you didn't reveal enough about yourself to make you traceable, and you backed out when it was clear he was not 'sound'.

I created a separate email address for my foray into OD - these are strangers you are talking to, and they can turn out to be not what they seem even after a few dates. Last thing you want is to add 'having to change your long-used email address because he's pestering you' to the disappointment of finding a bad 'un.

kaykayblue · 07/09/2014 13:14

This is the first time I have ever seen a long thread with totally unanimous advice!

Glad you blocked him. He sounded like a fucking nutter.

aylesburyduck · 07/09/2014 13:24

I am always wary when people say they click on line, purely because I have clicked on line before with previous dates and partners and then.... zip, nada, nowt in real life.

I developed a thick skin and let all that "I dreamt of you last night" and "I think I could fall in love with you" bollocks go in one ear and out the other.

When they start spouting that spiel I reckon they are:

Commitmentphobes
After a cheap thrill
Wearing beige slacks purchased from the back of a sunday supplement.

You'll find your prince but this one is most definitely a slimy warty toad.

HanselandGretel · 07/09/2014 13:37

3) Wearing beige slacks purchased from the back of a sunday supplement.

Perhaps we should have a 'beige flag'...!

Original poster

coffeewithchips · 07/09/2014 13:38

Thanks everyone.

He did seem annoyed when I wouldn't give a phone number so that's why I made the fake email because he was very persistent and I wanted to stop him asking. So relieved I didn't give him anything now.

I am slightly worried though, as I had photos of myself on my OD profile. I hope he hasn't copied and saved them as the thought of him having them unnerves me.

OP posts:

HanselandGretel · 07/09/2014 13:48

I doubt it OP, probably too busy emailing you and he didn't know you were going to disappear so wouldn't have the wherewithal to save pics.

I'm beginning to wonder if he wasn't some sort of scammer? That's what they do to draw you in, come on really strong before asking for a loan for their sick granny whatever. Probably not but just a thought.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/09/2014 14:00

Come on OP - a little clingy?

I think you need to step back from dating for a while if you can't read the signs, and do some sort of programme to get some self esteem back into your life. You shouldn't have needed to ask people whether you should meet someone like this - you really shouldn't.

Egghead68 · 07/09/2014 15:05

Blimey.

Agree - step away from the internet dating.

AppleAndMelon · 07/09/2014 15:06

Facebook is doing strange things currently and throwing people up as friends for me that it shouldn't be - it is pulling information from an email account despite the fact that it is not the email account that Facebook is linked to or even the same provider. Be very careful OP because if he knows your first name and you have a picture up then you may come up for him on Facebook.

Jacksonville14 · 07/09/2014 15:17

Find him on facebook and block him now? Then he will never find you. Block his friends too.

StickEmUpYourShnozz · 07/09/2014 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

coffeewithchips · 07/09/2014 18:46

He doesn't have Facebook thankfully. He said he hated technology and social media and so didn't have any accounts like that. He used to talk about how his phone was old and basic and he hates smartphones. So I don't have to worry about that.

OP posts:

KneeQuestion · 07/09/2014 18:53

I wouldn't take his word on that.

If you have his full name or his email address, search him on facebook and block any possibles.

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