DH has said he will consider an affair if I don't have more sex with him.

[misspollyhadadolly]

And he woke me up with this news at 7.30 this morning.

Our sex life is quite tame compared to most people's (about once a week I suppose)and then I go through phases (depression, exhaustion) when we could go for weeks without it.

When we do have sex though, it's usually good and lots of fun.

Now he says that he didn't actually mean the affair comment, but it's out now and to me, doesn't feel like much of a choice (force myself to have more sex or allow him to have an affair)

We have 4 children (youngest is 5)

FFS - I hate this!

A lot of men would say nothing and have the affair. At least he's trying in his hamfisted affair to communicate something that's not right for him and therefore as a couple you need to sort out. May be he neesd to pay for more childcare so you can feel more relaxed and rested for example. Perhaps he could look after the chilren alone all day Saturday whilst you relax and get more in the mood. May be there's some physical/medical issue to be sorted out.
Who initiates sex? Perhaps it's his fault and he never makes a move?

I think once a week is heroic what with the daily demands of your busy life. Even before we had DD DH and I did not always manage once a week (usually went in phases lol, mad and rampant then very little for a while)!

I think that no matter what prompted your man to make his "affair" comment shouldn't make any difference, he knew before he said it that it would be nasty and hurtful to you, but he still said it anyway and that is not acceptable from one who loves you.

Saying that, you say you are still very much in love, so you both now have the opportunity to be completely honest with each other. He needs to understand how he made you feel and that there could, potentially, be a trust issue now. He needs to deal with that. I agree with the others who said that he needs to help you out to give you more peace and time for yourself, so you can feel in the mood more often, and you will both be happier.

Not wanting frequent sex is a very, very common problem with ALL couples, not just those with kids, maybe you both need to sit down and discuss what is going to be realistic for you both.

Tell him to have his affair, after he's given you his keys and told CSA where he's living!!!!

Watch his face change....

Don't forget to empty the joint bank account first!!!!!!

Just reinforces to me how childish men can be. Threw his rattle out the pram and now that he's got your attention he's trying to act as if it was'nt such a big deal. Tell him to visit Rosy Palm and her five sisters. If you wanted to be really cruel you could tell him you often have a flick yourself

or u could just use each others hands if u havent the energy for owt else

He was very unsensitive to say what he said, and I think that you are well within your rights to feel less attracted to him for a while.

But as you say this does need sorting out.

I (a woman) have a stronger sex drive than my DH most of the time, possibly due to an age difference. Sometimes I feel rejected if he's simply too tired to play with me.

I do remember once saying to him that it was important to me because I had never, and would never have sex with anyone else - so I needed us to sort things out. I'm 20 years old, and the thought of our sex life continuing the way it was forever was a bit sad. I hope I didn't make him feel inadequate but I was clear that I wouldn't have an affair. However a lot of it was that I had an underlying distorted belief that all men wanted lots of sex all of the time, and therefore if he didn't then there must be something I was doing wrong. As my self confidence has grown, my need for reassurance through sex has reduced, and we are much happier and have much more fun.

Obviously this particular line of thinking is probably not the case for your DH - but maybe there is a line of thinking that needs to be explored.

Otherwise I think that you have to have a frank discussion with him about how you understand that sex is an important part of your relationship, but that he really hurt you with his comment (however jokingly intended). You need to be able to tell him what you think are the barriers to more sex which you could enjoy. Things like arranging a weekend away, extra childcare, getting holiday at the same time off of work, him making some romantic gestures, etc.

Best of luck.

it could have been his hamfisted way of trying to tell you he wants to do it more often, making to make a joke out of it

i've done it with the young man i see, but then again we are not in a full proper relationship, and it's been during banter with a smile on my face, in the sense of whether or not he needs replacing

but like i say we arent a couple as such

Just got back from a weekend away (with kids in tow, so no sex still!)

Just wanted to say thnkyou all so much for your replies - some of them too funny

I am in a similar postion. By the time I have sorted out my kids and husbands daily demand, I really cant be bothered to have sex. I have been like this for a few years and 3 weeks ago my husband said exactly the same thing, that he was considering having an affair. I went to the doctors the next day, very upset and they did a blood test to make sure it want hormones (which it wasnt). Doctor had now recommended counseling.

Thing is if I have sex, as in "duty sex", it means he is happy and in a good mood with me the next day. If I dont he is miserable with me and really hard work.

thing is if you have duty sex....
you will be expected to have just that..all your life (or at lest till the children grow up)
tell him
youll give him a hand out with his bags
or a hand
or better still
he can give you a hand
with the kids
or a hand!!!