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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has said he will consider an affair if I don't have more sex with him.

87 replies

misspollyhadadolly · 22/09/2006 14:31

And he woke me up with this news at 7.30 this morning.

Our sex life is quite tame compared to most people's (about once a week I suppose)and then I go through phases (depression, exhaustion) when we could go for weeks without it.

When we do have sex though, it's usually good and lots of fun.

Now he says that he didn't actually mean the affair comment, but it's out now and to me, doesn't feel like much of a choice (force myself to have more sex or allow him to have an affair)

We have 4 children (youngest is 5)

FFS - I hate this!

OP posts:
hazelnuts · 22/09/2006 21:08

I just seen this thread. What a *. My xp2 and I had it once a week. If that sometimes. He worked 50 hours + a week with long driving time. I have 3 dc and a house to look after. We love having sex. As we did not have it all the time, it was even better when we did. I would tell him now that you do have sex more than once a week. And that it great and you don't have to wait for anyone to be around to have it.Then say that you need some rechargeable batteries lol

Molton · 22/09/2006 22:32

I don't think he's being as awful as some of you make out. The affair comment is totally out of order and he should bloody apologise for that, but, at the end of the day, sex is very important to most men. End of story. And if, by marrying someone, you are vowing to be their only sexual partner, it is a fair thing to do what you can to meet his needs in that department.

However (big however) I'd see it as his responsibility to create the conditions for this to be reasonable. By this I mean arranging and paying for a babysitter, for example, giving you time to yourself to relax, giving you the care and attention you need, generally putting himself out so you feel inclined to have a quick (or long) bonk. PLus being reasonavble in his expectations given the size of your family. You said in your original post the sex you have is good and fun - is a compliment to you that he wants more of it. Internesting to see what other men on MNet think......

siang · 22/09/2006 23:59

my oh is ust as bad only dont threaten affair he just strops and starts calling me names. i have four kids eldest is 7 youngest is 6 months also he dont work and does f* all to help with our kids or the never-ending housework mountain and still expects sex at leastv evry other night. i am beginning to resent him and have been thinking for a long time that i would be better off without him. by the way dont have prob with undressing im a size 10 dont have confidence prob im proud of my stretch marks just too bloody tired

Original poster
misspollyhadadolly · 23/09/2006 00:01

Molton, its good to get another mans opinion and I was initially going to post this in the mens room.....

We both need to make more of an effort (in different respects), but his comments have really hurt me, especially as he travels abroad on business a lot. Never had any reason not to trust him before now and wouldn't have said he was the affair 'type'.

As someone commented earlier, its almost as if he's using my lack of interest as an excuse.

Anyway, im gladou posted, would also like to hear more input from men.

OP posts:
Pinky1 · 23/09/2006 00:17

He definatly needs to be more supportive.Women tend to want a physical realtsionship more when they feel desired and motivated by their partner so tell him to ' try harder or you will have one !!'

expatinscotland · 23/09/2006 00:18

Think some counselling might be a good idea. Even a sex therapist.

expatinscotland · 23/09/2006 00:20

He hasn't done it.

He was honest w/you.

I felt the way he did once.

Not b/c of mismatched sex drives, but b/c he didn't want any kids.

Believe me, it was hard to tell him I was considering an affair.

I'm not letting him off the hook, you've had 4 kids, ffs.

But he didn't do it.

ghosty · 23/09/2006 04:43

He doesn't know he is born .... Once a week? My DH would say he is a lucky bastard!!

I know of very few couples with kids who have sex once a week.

YeahBut · 23/09/2006 05:53

Am so gobsmacked that I can't think of anything else to say. What a dreadful position to put someone in.

LadyTophamHatt · 23/09/2006 06:56

Misspolly, I'm 6months PG with our 4th and we haven't had sex since I was about 5weeks PG!!
Everything with the pregnancy is fine, theres nothing to stop us, I just don't want to.
My DH is fine about it, he jokes about it never happening again and forgetting how it's done, or that his wanger will fall off () but I'd told him it's tough luck, He'll have to sort himself out.

Tell your Dh he's a pratt.

trinityshiftingherleatheryarse · 23/09/2006 07:50

I am appalled that this is happening to you. I am 6 months pregnant and have had sex twice since we found out at 6 weeks. We still snuggle and dh understands that I just don't feel like it.
Even when not pg we don't have as much as once a week and with 4 kids I think your doing really well. aybe you should show him this thread.
He has hands, tell him to use them. He is being completely unfair to you. Having said that sex is often a problem between couples because women need a reason to have sex, men need a place!!(sweeping generalisation of course)
It's just the way we are wired, it stems from when we were cavepeople.

FrannyandZooey · 23/09/2006 07:55

Obviously he is going the wrong way about it but I would think is he feeling something drastic has to happen. It sounds like the two have you have talked it over many a time but nothing much has changed. I would try to take this as a signal to you that something needs to change urgently. I don't meant that you should force yourself into having sex if you don't want to. But the two of you need to work something out, with or without help from Relate etc. A few alternatives I can think of are:

You talk it over and find a way to reassure him that even though you don't often feel like sex, you still love him, and he becomes able to deal with it.

You spend more time with him in bed doing other things rather than full sex - maybe you could just lie with him and chat or kiss him while he does the job himself.

You explain to him the things that would make you more likely to want sex more often and he does them.

You see a Relate counsellor and follow their advice.

I know what he has said is upsetting and hurtful to hear but he is telling you he is deeply unhappy with the way things are in this part of the relationship and that he can't cope with just putting up with it by himself. I have felt the same way so I do have some sympathy. Just because other men can and do put up with this doesn't mean that your dh is happy to do so. He is probably feeling unloved. Hope you can improve things somehow, together.

lilymolly · 23/09/2006 08:08

we have similar problem- i.e we dont have sex at all!!! once a week would be great!! but it is my issue, dp would have sex loads more if given half the chance. We are going to relate to sort this problem out. If my dp said that he would have an affair I would tell him to F**k Off, but to be honest he would never say that.
4 kids?? and once a week- I think thats wonderful.

Sobernow · 23/09/2006 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 23/09/2006 08:10

He is assuming someone would want to have an affair with him....

WideWebWitch · 23/09/2006 08:10

You know, even if there is an issue with mismatched desire here he went the very, very wrong way about expressing it, as I think we all agree. And while I agree that a marriage is a partnership and sex is important in that partnership, so is being considerate and appreciating that you can't always have what you bloody well want. That's the deal.

He needs to apologise profusely imo and then a) arrange for you have a weekend away alone to recharge and b) wine, dine, woo you c) accept that he will get as much sex as you BOTH want when you want it and that comments like this will work the opposite way.

I'd be absolutely fking furious if my dh threatened anything like this or even said this jokingly. It would sting for a long time.

Sobernow · 23/09/2006 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrannyandZooey · 23/09/2006 08:12

The thing is he could easily be saying this not as a threat or a bargaining tool but as the god's honest truth. That he doesn't know what else to do. That he can't cope like this and that he feels so desperate that he would even consider having an affair and risking his marriage because he is so unhappy. He's sad and silly if he can't think of better ways to make changes but he probably feels he has tried everything else he can think of and it hasn't worked. I do feel sorry, for both of you.

Molton · 23/09/2006 08:48

Surely there has to be a way that works as far as possible for both getting what they want/need. This stuff is far too important.

I'm not a man btw (though I do have very large feet I'm just married to one who is happy to explain to me how the male mind works (after he's made me a cup of tea and put the washing on.....)

MPHAD, am 99% sure your DH does not want to have an affair. If he did, he'd be having one - not telling you about it. From what you've said, he wants to sort things out but, in typical male way, is going about it in a somewhat cack-handed way. Please, please don't focus solely on this aspect - sure it's a shock tactic to get you to listen to him. I think you really need to tackle this one - relate are so good and will be able to point out very gently to either one of you as part of counselling if expectations are unreasonable. Maybe also find him some nice porn (hides under desk to avoid inevitable backlash....)

Original poster
misspollyhadadolly · 23/09/2006 09:29

sorry for thinking you were a bloke Molton (btw, I have large feet too)

We are still very much in love, so Im sure we will sort this out. He doesn't want porn (or a DIY session in the bathroom, he's very gentlemanly about these things I suppose!!) he just wants me, which after all these years giving birth, breast feeding and running around like a blu-arsed fly with zero time for myself (my morning pamper routine consists of me brushing my teeth and tying my hair back - a bit of concealor under my eyes if I am feeling frivolous!), so I guess I should be thankful

We went through a phase a few months ago when I would email him and invite him home from work for a bit of lunch , it was great but didn't last long as kids, work, house, flu etc etc got in the way.

Now I am cross with him though because his comment was unbelievly stupid and I know for a fact that if I ever said anyting like that to him, he would NEVER let me forget it.

So he shouldn't be planning on having sex anythime soon.

OP posts:
lucy5 · 23/09/2006 09:42

Tell him, you are already having an affair and thats why you don't want sex with him!

Molton · 23/09/2006 10:05

He sounds like a lovely DH (last couple of days excepted Good to be so in love after so many years / kids

Hope you get it sorted - bet he feels bad about what he said x

TLV · 23/09/2006 14:39

hate to say it but your dh sounds like a dick and I would be very

tell him to go ahead and have his affair but to take the 4 kids with him to give you some peace and quiet

TLV · 23/09/2006 14:41

ps apologies in advance, I only read the op hope it gets sorted out, christ i only have one child and can't even remember when I last had sex!!! once a week is great imo

divastrop · 23/09/2006 14:53

i have 4 children and am expecting number 5.it is hard work looking after 4 kids but if ur dh helped u alot more then u would have more energy for more of life's pleasures.
and point out to him that he should approach delicate subjects in a more sensitive way in the future!