Is anyone else's husband like this?

[Myhusbandishardwork]

I ve been together with dh for just over 3 years, been married for just over 2 years and we have a dd who is 23 months.

When i first met dh i didnt notice that there was anything different about him. As time went on, i noticed that he was different to anyone else i have been out with. Dh seems to struggle to do everyday things. He doesnt think he has a problem. The things dh struggles with is:

Being able to follow a conversation that people in a group are having. If there are 4 people sat at a table, dh cannot follow the conversation and sits there looking blank.

He has a sensory isssue where he cannot smooth clothing down or bedding. He also cannot touch certain material. He has to wear shoes in the house at all times, and cannot walk barefooted in the house.

If you ask dh a question, he will answer yes when he means no and vice versa.

He cannot remember alot of things in the past. He has had a bad childhood and says hes blocked it all out.

He will start a task, then abandon it and move on to something else without finishing what he originally was going to do.

When i talk to him, and wait for him to respond, he looks at me blankly whilst he processes what i have said.

He asks me to repeat myself alot even though he heard what i said the first time.

If dh baths dd which is rare, he forgets to brush her teeth or even wash her.

Dh does not learn from past mistakes and will repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

Dh did go to the doctors regarding these issues, and a lady came to see him, she said she thought he had dyslexia, but he would need to go privately to get a proper diagnose.

I feel he is getting worse and i feel like i have an extra child.

Can anyone advise me on this please

Was he never assessed for any of these issues as a child? Certainly sounds like he has difficulty processing information and also sensory stuff.

Not sure how easy it is to get assessed yet alone therapy for this as an adult unless self funding.

Asperger's Syndrome? Maybe?

I originally thought he had Aspergers.

The lady who came to assess him said that although he had some traits of aspergers, many of his symptoms were way off.

He went to a special needs primary school, but not high school.

I believe he went to a special school as he missed the first year or two of primary school and someone felt he would be better in a special school because of this.

Dh is very good at coding and website building and runs a very successful online business.

Nobody picked up on any difficulties as a child.

Dh tells me he was very sociable as a child and in his late teens, but says he feels himself getting worse socially

Along with the sensory issues it sounds like he has what's called 'poor auditory processing' or 'auditory processing disorder' - the key signs are finding it difficult to follow a conversation against background noise, and finding it hard to remember and follow verbal instructions, despite normal hearing.

www.ihr.mrc.ac.uk/downloads/products/apd_adult.pdf
(not actually very helpful - but it gives you the basics.)

Poor auditory processing goes with dyslexia, and it's also a feature of Asperger's, as are sensory issues.

Sounds Asperger's-ish to me too. The coding is a bit of a giveaway! There are quite a few threads in the archive about being with an AS partner. You may find some useful thoughts there. Sounds like it is quite distressing for him as well - it may be useful to get a diagnosis of whatever kind. And at least he is able to talk about stuff and recognises some traits in himself. That's a good sign I think.

Good luck Myhusband

Thank you

Is there anything we can do to improve things?

xpost -

I think it's unlikely that he would have been sent to a special school just because he missed a year or two of primary. Children catch up fast at that age. So it may have been recognised that a special school was what he needed.

APD (auditory processing disorder) often goes with learning disorders - I mentioned dyslexia above, but also ADHD, language difficulties and autistic spectrum disorders.

I wouldn't take the say so of this woman. Was she an ASD specialist? It seems unlikely if she came to your house.

I have a friend with APD and a lot of what you describe affects her, too. The not being able to follow instructions and needing things repeated

I have some similar symptoms:

Can't process conversation or instructions whilst thinking about anything else.
My infant school had em tested for deafness
Poor visual processing and photosensitive epilepsy
History of poor social fuctioning up to age 10 or so.
and 9 years as a professional coder!

I think I am undiagnosed ASD, what would have been called aspergers. A lot of my friends would agree.

My DS (only child) is non verbal at 3 1/2 years and has a dx of moderate ASD

The lady that came to the house was a lady that the GP had organised to come.

She said that she dealt with people in supported living who was much more severe than dh and therefore she couldnt help him.

So also did say that we should think very carefully about going for a diagnose as we have to think about what we will gain from this as there is still a big stigma attached to special needs etc.

Hi Myhusbandishardwork

He'll have to decide, but I would have liked a dx when younger. It would have helped me come to terms with being different. He doesn't have to get a tattoo.

I look different anyway because I sometimes have to wear dark glasses, especially indoors. I wish I didn't. It looks like a fashion error.

I have totally Identified myself by now to anyone who knows me!

Dadswood

Do people notice that you are different socially? How does your partner help you? Does she find you difficult to live with?

I know it sounds awful but sometimes i just want to shake him

Hiya

I'd actually say ADD, with auditory issues. I have this and I am also in IT. I did quite well in school, have a six figure salary, considered to be very intelligent, the works.

My symptoms are:

Cannot follow a conversation unless it is 1:1. Even then, unless I REALLY pay attention, I often blank out. With background noise, forget about it. I make up for it by being really good with textual data. I could never listen to lectures, and indeed flunked any courses where I had to concentrate and listen. If given a textbook, I'd go through it in my own time and do fine. I cannot follow verbal instructions until I am truly 'turned on', no matter how many times the person repeats it to me.

I struggle to concentrate in all areas - can't watch movies or read fiction for e.g. (I process factual information much much better). I drop things very often, literally and figuratively. I'd be walking on the road and not see a bus approaching me. Even if I pay attention I always drop things, bump into things, forget things etc.

I also have very bad memory of things that happened in the past, although I retain academic or factual information quite well. "Bathing baby but forgetting to brush her teeth" sounds like me. I'm the kind of person who'd shower but forget to wash hair unless I remind myself. My mind always drifts. I'd have a huge fight with someone, then forget all about it the next day. Then I'll remember that I did have a fight, but not really (emotionally) remember why. However, I remember odd facts extremely well and often quote seminal papers written back in 19xx that said xyz. But can't remember the last time I was angry.

I was diagnosed with ADD on three different occasions and was put on medication. It definitely helps. I can actually finish given tasks, and when I started taking medication regularly, this is when my career took off. Before then I'd take on undemanding jobs so that I could 'space out' a couple of days a week and still keep my job.

I see quite a few people in IT who have auditory issues and/or ADD. I wouldn't be surprised if he is on the autistic spectrum. It's not so sever for me because I'm female (a lot more prevalent in males).

See if he can be diagnosed with ADD, and go on medication. It made a very big difference to me.

PS: I was also a late talker (3.5), was tested for autism, poor social skills etc until 10.

ADD

Thank you for sharing that with me, most of your symptoms are very much like dh, he also earns a great salary at what he does.

What does ADD mean?

Hi Myhusbandishardwork

I think she finds it frustrating when she's tired and just can't get me to understand what she is trying to tell me. The more agitated she gets, the less I can understand. She doesn't understand that the channel isn't open for her if there are TV adverts on or something. It isn't to do with faulty prioritisation, it's sensory overload. it's worse if I have worries on my mind or am tired.

Occasionally, she wants to shake me, but she is not quite as patient as me.

Hi - ADD is attention deficit disorder. I have a touch of ADHD which includes hyperactivity. So I fidget a lot and cannot sit still during meetings :)

ADD

Dh can watch a film all the way through, he doesnt fidget but gets bored very quickly

Dh has said that im the first person to mention any of these issues with him

Although it is attention deficit, it is a bit misleading. ADD sufferers can have 'hyperfocus' periods during which they are super-concentrated. It's just that it is not controllable. I'd get an urge to research something during an important meeting, and from then on I'm completely unable to concentrate. I'm totally switched off and obsessing about this thing I have to research.

My hearing is really bad. Unless you come and tap me on my shoulder I won't even know you are talking to me.

This 'hyperfocus' and auditory issues are very very common in IT. A lot of us don't like hanging out in loud areas, or anywhere with many people.

He cuts me off mid conversation to something he wants to talk about.

I will be telling him about dds day and he will cut me off and talk about something hes interested in like the rankings on his website!

When going out for a meal where the waitress seats you, he NEVER wants to sit were they seat us. He will ask to move straightaway. He will also ask for something thats not on the menu rather than picking something from the menu.

He eats very fast and when in a restaurant hes rushing me to eat mine quicker so we can go!

You say he didn't have a great childhood, do you mind me asking could he have been abused?
Has he ever considered counselling to try and deal with his past, remember stuff that might have happened?

I've no idea who this woman is but she's clearly not a specialist. Sounds like she may be from community health.

Her point about diagnosis is just bizarre: diagnosis and information about conditions people enormously helpful to the individual and their families, to explain why they are as they are, and also to get support.

I don't see how ignorance could ever be more beneficial than knowledge.

He was abused yes, not sexually but very physically and emotionally.

He never had counselling for it, but his younger brother did.

Since meeting me, he has gone no contact with his father, and doesnt see much of his mother.

He tells people that hes never had stability until he met me, and never been treated so well. Which is nice but heartbreaking at the same time.

That would explain why none of this was picked up in childhood.

Perhaps you're the first person he's been close to and lived with who was involved enough and cared enough to notice all these traits?

He lived with a woman before me for 8 years and he says she never mentioned anything, neither did her family etc.