Childcare issues causing woe

[VSeth]

I am married, have one child aged nearly two. I returned to work a year ago (wow that year went fast!). For childcare we use a nursery for 3 days and a nanny for the other 2. We get Childcare vouchers to help the cost.

Prior to returning to work I went out and found the nursery (only viewed 2) and I searched and searched for a nanny, fell really lucky with the lady we use, my DC loves her.

However my little one has been ill several times, last time hospitilised for 5 days (I stayed in hospital room). I got really exhausted and terribly behind at work. I juggled emails and calls on Blackberry when DC slept, worked at night etc, still not caught up really.

When I broached the subject with my DH of who would take time off when, to cover the nursery days the week we came out of hospital (DC too ill for nursery) my husband seemed a bit incredulous that I would be expecting him to have time off, told me he couldn't possibly etc etc. In the end he did take some time, I took more time and we got by. He ended up taking a day off because he was tired!? on a Nanny day, so we didn't need the cover.

DH is under the belief that we need to find someone locally to call on in an emergency for childcare, we have no family near by and most of my friends work full time. I have tried to explain that there isn't a fully qualified Nanny in the area just sitting waiting for our call, he is looking on childcare sites claiming there are loads of options, yes people looking for jobs! I have explained that childminders can't just take a sick/extra child on a whim etc etc in the end I have sent him a link to an emergency childcare site.

I feel like he should be stepping up as a parent, not trying to outsource the issue when our child is ill. He works an hours commute away, my hours are flexible and do travel for meetings, I do all the drop off's/pick ups, he has done about 5 in total when I have been away. His company are a family company, he hasn't ever been refused time off and has loads of annual leave to use.

What do other working parents do? I am very down about this, is my DH's attitude typical? We have rowed terribly about this.

Sorry its so long

I wouldn't scarper out of the house leaving my young child, 23 months old to be looked after by a stranger when ill. Who would?

I am not against using an emergency agency nanny but not for illness.

Oh man. You need to keep fighting this fight because he is SO UNREASONABLE. I've had a couple or five and feeling very very indignant on your behalf. He walks out in you and DC when an argument isn't going his way?? WTF is up with that? He needs to man the fuck up and do his job as a parent. Make him call the nursery, talk to the nanny, etc etc. What a wanker.

He isn't a surgeon btw. He works in construction management. Very important role but still not a surgeon. Earns roughly same as me on basic, he gets overtime, I get sales bonus. If I got my full otb I would earn more.

I just don't know how to reason with him. Mediation?

they must have people on call, just in case
I don't think nurseries do. My son has been at the same nursery/after-school club for over 5 years and they have never once had anyone in like that. Sometimes, during bad weather, they have had situations where not enough staff members could get in due to snow or ice and they shut the nursery for those days even though it was fine near the nursery. It's not realistic to think there are people trained to work in nurseries, trained in the procedures of that nursery and properly vetted, just sitting around for extremely sporadic potential work.

But the whole thing is very telling about his attitude to people who look after children - they're just interchangeable commodities that you can order anywhere, anytime.

He really will look like a real idiot if he pursues this with nursery and thinks they're withholding information from him.

I am not against using an emergency agency nanny but not for illness.
Well quite, that is the crux of it. A sick child needs their parents/family to look after them.

I can't reason with him
No, you can't. Don't engage at all in these ludicrous ideas of his (for example trying to explain why they won't work) because it gives them credibility. If your bottom line is that you won't use emergency cover for a sick child, then just stick to that broken record. If he comes up with ideas, insist they're his so he can call. Lots of sympathy, I'd be totally frustrated and annoyed.

I've never heard of couples having mediation who weren't divorcing, relationship counselling sounds more the ticket, or a boxing ring.

He's being an utter dick about this, his bizarre assumptions are ludicrous, so the only thing you can do is stop arguing with him and let him get on and discover that for himself.

Ah, I assume he knows you wouldn't leave the sick child with an emergency nanny.

He sets it up or says he will, you refuse and have many rows, in the end you stay home and look after the child because you are the unreasonable one.

Simple straightforward manipulation.

Does he have form for this?

Has he ever looked after the DcC on his own? Maybe he is scared witless at the idea.

Just let him do the research on this issue and then he can find out.

Does he know you use Mumsnet? Suggest he starts a thread himself to get the advice he needs?

The thing is, you are 100% right, but he is not totally wrong either in that there may be some merit in using an ad-hoc person from time to time - if you can get someone reliable whom your child knows, as we did. If you use this person for 'Category B' situations eg. Nanny is off sick, nursery closed, then it gives you more leeway to ask for time off work when you have a 'Category A' situation such as your child being ill.

But his ranty, blustering, bombastic attitude is a major problem.

I really don't like the sound of him claiming that he pays the mortgage/cleaner. So he thinks that if he pays them he is the boss? Or your contribution is not as valuable as his? And he throws this at you in an argument to make you do as he says?

He needs to step up as a father and to discuss this with you as an adult, not.by shouting you down and bullying you.

Cerealqueen yes he looks after DC on his own, normally does a good job. He doesn't want to be in a position where he is being asked to forgo work to do it. Despite having loads of annual leave to use.

He has done his research apparently, by Googling nannies in the area. Then showing me the results and believing that it is highly unlikely that these people are available on demand to look after a sick child. Despite not logging onto any site. One was a babysitter site, that I have used before and have never found a babysitter through! Despite giving a few days notice yet he believes he will get childcare on demand when it suits him from there even though he hasn't even logged on.

Let him get on with it, he says he will register on these sites or speak to nursery so let him. Some things you can tell people, some things they have to find out for themselves. Next time he mentions it instead of saying" that won't work there isn't anyone etc" say "great". Leave it to him now to find the solution.

The nursery option isn't actually a bad idea, I have in the passed used people from the nursery 'bank' at short notice although not to cover illness of child.

Googling and leaving the rest to you doesn't cut it, he has to follow through and find these on demand nannies, that he insists exist, himself.

Agree with pp, he has to find the person.

Sorry agree with others your H is in the wrong here. Both DH and I work full time. We both cover DD's sick days as well as we could between the two of us. He has more leeway at his work so he usually takes more of them as 'working from home' and then catch up in the weekend.

And agree let him look for the sick cover nanny then. Or how about having a nanny full time? Maybe that's what you need if he won't bulge on taking annual/unpaid leave for sick child.

If he thinks it's all so easy to find someone, then you have to let him know that he will be the one dealing with doing that next time. Not sure how it is in the U.K but here in Australia nurseries really struggle to find temporary staff. Usually a childcare student from a college is called in if they are available. That could be an option for you if he posted an advert on their student boards asking for people to sign up for an 'emergency childcare' list (and make it clear that well above MW would be on offer should you ever call upon them).

It really sounds like there are more serious issues in the relationship IMO.

I also think it's wrong to leave a sick child to emergency care. It should be with someone they know and trust. Therefore, it wouldn't be a friend they aren't familiar with either. That's why I think the regular nanny would be ok, so would family/adults he's used to.

I don't think anybody would want to take care of someone else's dc with for example a vomiting bug for any amount of money. It can put you out of work for a week, they're very contagious and my dc had a few each of these. My own dm wouldn't do it for the gc she adores. When they're very small and ill, you can't leave them with someone they don't even know.

My dh had a very inflexible employer. A lot of redundancies were being made. He couldn't afford to compromise his position. My employer was seemingly more flexible but you'd get a lot of flak and underhand comments when you came back. It had me in tears some days.

What do other parents do?

Going forward, long-term, I took the decision to give up my job and do something else part-time from home. Because it isn't just the sickness, it's them wanting you to be there when they're in a play or reading out their work. Very little notice was ever given at our school and these things were always in the daytime in infants.

You could achieve it all with a full-time nanny. But for us it wasn't financially viable.

You can't keep patching up the cracks with ad hoc childcare. You need a long-term strategy.

I can't afford to give up working, my job isn't available part time, I also don't want to be financially dependent on my DH.

mum9876 sadly I think it comes down to either 1) flexible employer or 2) full time nanny.

We are lucky that both DH and I have flexible employers. DH has taken a lot of leave or catch up in weekends/evenings days. I just changed jobs early this year and they have been very flexible too. They have no problem when I needed to work from home or take emergency annual leave.

I agree with LuvDaMorse, this is pure manipulation on your DH's part.

He doesn't want to forgo work to look after a sick DC, so proposes an unworkable "solution". You point out the flaws in his "solution" and effectively veto it, so you become the bad guy who won't compromise and he becomes the good guy who has tried to suggest a solution - and because you are now the bad guy the problem becomes yours to fix.

I think the line to take here is not to become the bad guy. So as others have said, agree with him, don't point out the problems with his suggestions, leave him to research and arrange his "solution". However if he is this manipulative don't be surprised if he still manages to make it your problem when it comes to the point of DCs being ill and someone needing to take time off.

I know it sounds silly as you see him every day but maybe you should email your DH your concerns and try to be bullety-pointy rather than emotional. I think you are totally in the right btw but this issue could go round and round in circles and cause a lot of resentment.

Onelittletoddler - yes I think that's very possible if you have two flexible employers and work can be left for a time. The people I know who seem to manage have family nearby or long-term friends and neighbours who are willing and able to help. And the ability to work from home with no notice. Sadly we didn't have any of these things.

VSeth - would a full time nanny be an option you could take?

Mum9876 you said this; You can't keep patching up the cracks with ad hoc childcare. You need a long-term strategy.

I have a part time lovely Nanny, a friendly family run Nursery, I will register with an agency for non illness related emergencies and my child has 2 parents, what other long term strategy is there?

I don't understand why people think a full time Nanny is the answer tbh, this will be a new person, will cost a lot more and will also need time off for holiday, sickness etc and I won't have the Nursery to fall back on.

Will the Nursery give out peoples contact details to my husband when he storms around there? I get on really well with the staff there and do all the drop offs/collection so I am worried that he really piss them off, I have asked that he has the conversation before collecting the little one and not with her there.

vseth the reason I suggested full time nanny is precisely because it sounds like your husband is not willing to step up with care during illness. A nursery won't take a sick child. Sometimes as minor as conjunctivitis or chicken pox or a minor temperature. Ie illness that you don't even bother with a visit to a GP. A nanny will be able to take care of this without you taking leave. It's just an alternative to an unwilling husband.