Childcare issues causing woe

[VSeth]

I am married, have one child aged nearly two. I returned to work a year ago (wow that year went fast!). For childcare we use a nursery for 3 days and a nanny for the other 2. We get Childcare vouchers to help the cost.

Prior to returning to work I went out and found the nursery (only viewed 2) and I searched and searched for a nanny, fell really lucky with the lady we use, my DC loves her.

However my little one has been ill several times, last time hospitilised for 5 days (I stayed in hospital room). I got really exhausted and terribly behind at work. I juggled emails and calls on Blackberry when DC slept, worked at night etc, still not caught up really.

When I broached the subject with my DH of who would take time off when, to cover the nursery days the week we came out of hospital (DC too ill for nursery) my husband seemed a bit incredulous that I would be expecting him to have time off, told me he couldn't possibly etc etc. In the end he did take some time, I took more time and we got by. He ended up taking a day off because he was tired!? on a Nanny day, so we didn't need the cover.

DH is under the belief that we need to find someone locally to call on in an emergency for childcare, we have no family near by and most of my friends work full time. I have tried to explain that there isn't a fully qualified Nanny in the area just sitting waiting for our call, he is looking on childcare sites claiming there are loads of options, yes people looking for jobs! I have explained that childminders can't just take a sick/extra child on a whim etc etc in the end I have sent him a link to an emergency childcare site.

I feel like he should be stepping up as a parent, not trying to outsource the issue when our child is ill. He works an hours commute away, my hours are flexible and do travel for meetings, I do all the drop off's/pick ups, he has done about 5 in total when I have been away. His company are a family company, he hasn't ever been refused time off and has loads of annual leave to use.

What do other working parents do? I am very down about this, is my DH's attitude typical? We have rowed terribly about this.

Sorry its so long

My DH does help out but normally it is me. He will also be adjusting his hours to sort out a childcare gap.

So you need to a) take a step back from work yourself - do you need to check emails etc all the time b) let your DH try and sort out this mythical childcare c) have a frank discussion about his unrealistic expectations of you.

Do you have a cleaner?

Can you not have your nanny full time instead of the nursery days?

There would probably still be days when your DC was ill and needed an actual parent but it would be far less than the number of days you are going to be rejected from nursery for quite minor things.

This is going to rumble on and on so you really do need a good solution. I think an FT nanny is it.

My DH and I both work full time in but like everyone else, we split illness between us as best we can. That way neither employer is unfairly affected, we can both try and rearrange to cover what needs doing at work and our DC have their parents when needed.

My DH understands totally how childcare works - he does half drop offs/pick ups each week so he is used to how it all works. He helped choose the childcare we use because although he trusts me, he wanted to make good decisions for his children and doesn't see childcare as my job to arrange.

There are points as another poster said, when you might be in a desperate position and need emergency childcare. When my DH or I are abroad, we ask my mum to come from another country so we have back-up in case of illness if we have something important on at work. But that shouldn't be for the day to day stuff that DH or I could cover.

None of the men who work for me have an attitude like your DH either. So you are not being unreasonable (unless he is a brain surgeon or doctor etc and has real issues in letting down his patients taking time off.)

DH and I both work FT. If and when DD is poorly we discuss each morning who will remain off with her. He is a TA and works with young people on the spectrum and some days he really needs to he in (teacher out of the class for the day training etc) and others he knows in advance that they are fully staffed that day, and I work in a Hotel - if I have an important meeting or if something out of the norm is happening (system upgrade, VIP clients/events) then I would work and he would remain behind.

Fair is fair. DD has two parents in similar circumstances. Simply because I have a vagina does not mean I am the primary carer. We split wverything equally.

Haven't read the entire thread, but having been a single mother I feel for your predicament. However, if your DH would step up the mark, where would the problem be?

One of the most successful men I know always alternated with his wife looking after his dd when she was sick. When there are two parents, the leave is cut by half and no-one's career is adversely affected.

This is a problem for all working parents. You would be very lucky to find someone who would be on stand-by for the odd day let alone for when your child is sick.

Tell your husband to find someone himself if it's so easy.

Ideally you would both take it in turns to take time off. However in my job it is severely frowned upon when fathers take time off to care for sick children (isn't that awful) but accepted more when mothers do.

I have had to take on a more flexible role with reduced hours and pay for similar reasons.

You're being far too kind to this man and his mother being a SAHM probably had less to do with his attitude than you think. He won't be the first man to think that having a penis exempts him from domestic and childcare responsibilities and your struggle to juggle is ignored because he views you as the lesser party in your partnership.

His behaviour really isn't that surprising given your previous cleaning battle. Yes I know, this time we're talking about his child but selfishness and a sense of entitlement are remarkably transferable sentiments.

Your job (and that's how he views childcare, cleaning etc), will always be dismissed and he's not willingly going to take on (in his eyes) your responsibilities until you stop treating it as your sole responsibility. Which means, you are going to have to take a much harder line with this man and stop taking up his slack.

As infuriating as my Ex's attitude to domestic chores and childcare was, I enabled his sexist views by playing my role and unsurprisingly his selfish and entitled behaviour wasn't restricted to cleaning and childcare.

Ask him how that's going to work exactly...is he expecting the childcarer to come to yours or are you shipping your ill child to theirs? What does the childcarer 'do' for the times that your child isn't ill? Is your child then going to infect the other children? What will the childcarer do when they take other kids out to the park etc? Will your ill child be left home along?

I'd tell him to crack on sorting this out and as he is doing it so well, to take the leave himself until he sorts out the childcare as you will be at work.

Or is he saying that having a penis means he can't take leave to look after his child? Even thought he penis actually was part of the process of creating the child. Interesting...

I agree he is being sexist. We both work full time and we spilt time off equally, depending on who has what on.

The not believing you about how childcare works would piss me off tbh, it's undermining.

As someone else said, why doesn't he organise the childcare then?

Do you need to work, money-wise? If so, and if you can't get anywhere with your_DH through reason alone, I'd ham up the fact that you are likely to lose your job unless he pulls his weight. This may shock him into activity.

My DH does all school drop offs ( which makes him late for work) but i do most bog-standard school stuff (assemblies, open afternoons). In order to cover sick days we preferably alternate days between us, unless work responsibilities mean that other arrangements need to be made ( half days etc).

My DH is 100% aware that we need both our wages, and unless he fancies being the sole wage earner, he bloody well has to pull his weight!

I had a similar issue with DH when I went back to work part-time after having DS1. He'd become so used to me being available 24/7 when I was on mat leave, I think it came as a bit of a shock when he was expected to step up! After having DS2 it came to a bit of a head, as I was so stressed with having to handle everything that I resigned and took a couple of years off.

I'm back working part-time again now and he's much more supportive!

Sorry I haven't been back on, ironically I have been busy with work!

CharlesRyder the full time Nanny idea could potentially leave me more exposed not less, what would happen if the Nanny is ill (or her DC) and what would happen during her holidays? (full time would be potentially four weeks of the year). In these circumstances I have managed to get the Nursery to offer a couple of extra days. Also I like the interaction of Nursery, I think that a combination of the both works well.

BeeinYourBonnet, yes we need the money, also if I left my role it might be hard to find another on the same/similar salary in the future, I am 40 next birthday. Also feel very exposed if something bad happened and he couldnt work.

I have worked for my current employer for 7 years, when I returned from maternity I had to change roles as my job hadnt been kept open but I am on the same pay grade, I work mostly with men, not many women at my level. I am still catching up from the 5 day hospital stay we had last month. Thankfully LO has recovered well from that illness, workwise I couldnt have coped with any more time off, especially as I was covering for my boss so running the team, in hospital I worked on Blackberry when DC asleep and into the night, I am still behind and worked after DC went to bed last night.

I have said to DH that we could register with www.emergencychildcare.co.uk for non-illness cover, (Nanny away and nursery not able to cover etc.) and when DC is ill share care between us. However he is still trying to find this magical person, has suggested that our Nanny MUST know someone (I said she wasnt withholding information) and told me to contact our nursery and others about they deal with getting staff at a short notice. (I havent).

" told me to contact our nursery and others"

His idea! How about he contacts them?

His idea! How about he contacts them?
Quite! Why should you do anything to address the problem of his creation because he doesn't get that when both parents work, looking after ill children is a joint problem. You're willing to do your share. If he's not, then that's pretty disgraceful, but that aside: it's his problem to research and resolve.

DH does most of the cover when our toddler DD is ill, as his job is more flexible. Not only is his work fine with it (university lecturer), he seems to receive many hero points for doing it, whereas my employer, while reasonable, accepts it only if I have no choice (large secondary school). It is harder for me to catch up also, so I feel your pain. I would be at your DH's attitude. Not only is it sexist, it show lack of care for his DC. Both DH and my DMs were SAHMs, but we are living our lives in our context, not theirs.

Exactly, why is he saying you should sort this out?

not quite answering the question that you are after, but we do have an emergency nanny service to use when our childcare arrangments fall through or the DCs are not well enough for their usual setting
www.myfamilycare.co.uk/
we get 15 sessions a year for a fixed fee.

I had this issue and told XH that if he failed to step up one more bloody time I would jack my job in, we would have to sell the house and his standard of living would be shot to pieces.

Obviously XH knew I was wild enough to do something like that, or LTB, so he stopped being such a dickhead about it and realised he had to at least take turns in having time off when the need arose.

Good luck.

Tell your DH to grow up and take responsibility for his own DC. I'm really fucked off on your behalf.

I work part time and my DH full time, and a year ago my youngest was diagnosed with a congenital problem that required immediate treatment.

We went from everything bring lovely to a month in hospital, surgery, and constant follow ups. My DH stayed in hospital for that month with DS2 while I looked after DS1 and spent as much time as I could with them.

We are about to embark on potentially more treatment and hospital time. He is 100% on board.

That's how out should be.

I don't know why you don't get a nanny. They're less likely to be sick than your child, you agree to take holidays at the same time - with a 50/50 split between you and nanny deciding when they will be.

Honestly it is way more convenient if you have a stressful job.

He is being an arse, what parent wouldn't want to take time off to look after a sick child.
They want mummy or daddy not an agency worker.
He is being VVVVVVVVU. x
I think he's being a rubbish Dad too.

Which one of you leaves for work, first? I'd be tempted to run out of the house before he could and then he'd be stuck dealing with the situation.

Tempted. Probably wouldn't do it.

I think we all (mostly) agree that he is out of order and not me but how do I deal with this? I am sat in tears after another argument.

Today he came up with idea that "I should call our nursery and others to ask what cover they use in case one/two of their careers don't turn up, they're not going turn 3/4 babies away because staff don't turn up, they must have people on call, just in case".

I asked him why he wants to ask this (I haven't called the nursery), he said because then nursery can give us the details of their on call/employee details. I said they wouldn't do this, for numerous reasons including confidentialty. He won't believe me, insists they will. Am I going mad? They really won't will they?

He then says he will finish early Friday, collect our little one and ask them himself, this is ironic given that he is claiming that he can't possibly take time off?!

What do I do next? I can't reason with him, I lost my temper trying to give the reason why nursery won't give him their staff contact details, we both shouted and he comes out with bizarre things, saying our nanny needs to step up to her responsibilities, wtaf she works for us two days and is a star. Shouting at me that I think his job is menial, I haven't said that (nor think it). Shouted at me that he he pays our cleaner, he doesn't. Pays the mortgage, he does but I cover an equal amount in other bills.

What do I do next? We rowed Sunday night, He went out to the pub on the way home last night, told me on text, I asked for him to get home before DC bed time 8pm, he didn't. He came home at 930, ate went to bed. Tonight he sent me a text saying he was stopping off at pub, wouldn't be long, I was furious so I took munchkin to the park for distraction. He then got home in a great mood a few minutes before DC bedtime. Then we rowed, he stormed off.

What's wrong with him asking the nursery himself on Friday?

If he's wrong, what's the problem?

If he wants to find childcare to cover his 50% of the sick days instead of taking annual leave that's a good solution. Let him get on with it.

Hand him the emergency child care links PPs posted here and let him call them himself.

Just make damn sure you don't cover his 50%, even if you have to scarper out of the house early when you have a sick child.