Feel sad and reluctant at the idea of any intimacy with my husband :-(

[NotInThePlan]

Hugging is ok. Quite nice actually, although it makes me feel sad because I know that's all I want. When he kisses me I want to pull away. We've barely had sex in the last 3-4 years. He instigates and I put him off, feigning tiredness, illness, or just plain 'no thanks, not in the mood'. Sometimes I agree, because I feel I 'should', and I try to get in to it, really I do, but again, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that I no longer feel the way I used to about him and I don't know why. I've cried afterwards the last couple of times. I like spending time with him - we enjoy time together, going out with the kids, watching tv, going out for occasional meals. But intimacy? I can't. And I don't know why.

He's a good man. He's never done anything wrong, he's never treated me badly. He's a great father. Why do I feel like this, and how can I go on feeling like this. Or rather, how can I change feeling like this? Or is it a lost cause. Should I cut and run? I know that if I did that he would be destroyed. He knows things aren't great (obviously) but I think he also thinks that we're ticking along alright. He adores me, and he adores our children. He doesn't know my feelings regarding intimacy with him. Maybe I should leave him to find a future with someone who can be the wife he deserves to have.

I don't know what I hope to achieve from posting here, but I don't really know what else to do.

If you can afford it you could go to see a counsellor to try to uncover the reasons why you no longer want intimacy with your DH. Perhaps something happened in your own parents marriage or your children are now of a similar age that you were when something happened?? that is now impacting on your present.

Why do you not think you are the wife he deserves? He chose you and loves you - why do you feel unworthy?

I could have written your post OP...and I have no idea what to do either. I think partly it's being so caught up in being mummy that I have no idea how to be anything else...

Yes, I probably should see a counsellor but there's so much wrong with me I wouldn't know where to start! I'm very good at putting up a brave front - no one would imagine that I feel the way I do about myself or about about life. To everyone else I'm this strong, confident person.

I feel unworthy, I suppose, because I can't understand why he wants to be with me. And because I feel like I don't/can't love and cherish him the way he does me.

Interesting what you ask about my childhood. My parents divorced when I was 7. My mum went on to live with a nasty, controlling, emotionally (and ultimately physically) abusive man for nearly 10 years. My husband is none of those things though - I should be so happy to have him.

Your gp can refer you for psychosexual counselling, initially for you and then for you both as couples therapy. you may be told there is a very long wait list but ask to be referred, it can be a much shorter wait than you are told.

That too, Petra... I give my all to my children (4&7) and I work full time. Maybe there's nothing left to give. I feel like I'm letting them down (as well as us) by letting my marriage slip away though, but I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Another recommendation for some kind of psychosexual counselling here. Whatever the outcome (it may be that, after counselling, you decide that your marriage is unsustainable; it may be that a counsellor helps you find a way to enjoy intimacy with your H again) it's not workable just to keep plodding along as both you and your H will get more and more miserable.

Have your sexual feelings towards him changed significantly? Was it very different years ago, before kids and so on? Or has it always been a bit like this and it's just become more so over time?

Do you have any sexual feelings/outlet? That is, are you just turned off by intimacy with your DH and have sexual feelings/fantasies about other men - or is it sex in general that is the issue?

I have similar feelings, following a difficult few years in our marriage. When things were hard, I couldn't have sex with him, I was angry with him for quite a long time, and now I think it has become all caught up in my mind with those problems. It does make me sad because I don't want us to seperate, and I many ways things are better than they have been before - I would just live to feel like I wanted intimacy without having to make myself. I would recommend counselling, if you feel that you can talk to him honestly about it - I can't at the moment, so have not pursued it as an option.

"He doesn't know my feelings regarding intimacy with him"
I think that is a bit naive to be honest, if you have only had sex a handful of times in recent years I'm sure he knows something is wrong.

Do you have any libido at all or is it just him you no longer feel connected to?

I agree some kind of counselling is the way to go but I think it would have to involve you both.

I could have written your post op - word for word , I absolutely adore my dh too.

Has it always been like this? Or did you enjoy intimacy with him when you first got together?

Counselling is a must I think. At least you will know you have tried everything.

Well, when this happened to me, I didn't need psycho-sexual counselling or a test of my hormone levels, I had just gone off him bit by bit as the years went by and to be honest that has happened in every long-term relationship I have had.

Although it would be lovely if the feelings lasted, surely they don't for most couples, hence separation/divorce/affairs/unhappy relationships.

Do you want sex with anyone else, or ever feel sexy? Or never at all with anyone?

The pill can cause loss of libido, have you seen your gp? Any deaths or horrible things in the family? Are you secretly terrified of getting pregnant?

Any body issues with you or him?

Personally I went off my dh because he was a nasty selfish git and I fell out of love, but yours sounds lovely- but that doesn't mean you have to fancy him. What do you do at night when the dc are in bed? Slump in front of the tv or Internet? What about putting a no sex rule in and playing games like scrabble, no tv, chatting, learning to dance.

What are you doing for orgasm?:)

you mention 3-4 years and that your youngest is 4yo, i am not clued up but wondering if there is a connection there

Apologies for disappearing. Back now.

someday Yes, I've little doubt that there is a connection to having my last child. I think now that I more than likely had PND. Unfortunately I was so busy 'keeping up appearances' that no one noticed, not even me, until more recently. I took ADs for a while a year or so ago but hated taking them and stopped after about 9 months. I felt like I was in a fog, and that by taking them I was 'cheating' or covering up my life. Irrational, I know.

Everythingcounts / horsemad No, things haven't always been like this. We used to be at it all the time. And we'd always been quite affectionate, holding hands and cuddling etc. I think I started to change after our first child, and got progressively worse. After our second child we didn't have much sex because I was too tired, and also it hurt (which I saw my GP about, which wasn't a lot of help, but the hurting stopped a year or so after the birth). It's more recently (last 2 years) that we didn't have sex because I just didn't want to. At all. Ever.

lavender Not on the Pill. Haven't used any hormonal contraceptives since we had DS (7 years), we've used condoms since. I thought about getting a Mirena, thinking that maybe it would increase spontaneity, but then read lots about loss of libido/moodswings etc and worried that it's make things even worse. And yes, there are body issues. I hate myself. I've gained and lost more weight than your average 7 year old weighs, more than once. DH is similar in terms of yoyo weight gain/loss but right now is the fittest he's ever been, yet I don't fancy him.

Balia, eyebags, lavender, re: libido. If you'd asked me that question perhaps a year ago I'd have said that I had absolutely no libido whatsoever. That I wouldn't have cared if I never had sex again, with anyone. Now... Yes, it's definitely changed. I fantasise about other men and I feel stirrings. I want to have sex. But I can't make it happen with DH. He kisses me and I'm ashamed to say that inwardly I ever so slightly recoil. I close down. I try to make it so that he wan't want me. I pick a fight, or I stuff my face with food to try make myself more unattractive.

It's a giant bloody mess. I am a giant bloody mess.

How does one look in to counselling? If I were to ask for a referral do I have to tell the GP all of this or can I just ask to be referred? If I were to go privately how much would I be looking at - how would I know who was any good? This Psycho-sexual counselling some of you have referred to - would it need to be both of us, or would I go on my own (at least for a while)?

Those of you who have said you are going through, or have experienced similar, do you see a solution for yourselves?

Long post. Sorry!

Did he ever give you the fanny gallops?

Yes. Once upon a time, I think.

That seems a bit vague. I just ask as I'm of the opinion that if it was there In the past, there's a chance of recapturing it.

Do you ever get time away from the house, DC etc? Time to reconnect and be you two again?

I completely understand how you feel - I felt like I'd lost 'me' when my DC were younger. Things are better now they're older but for a while I just wasn't interested in us as a couple (undiagnosed PND contributed to that I think).

I would speak to the GP and ask for a referral for counselling. Tell the GP what you've said here.

I would speak to your GP and get counselling if you do want to save the relationship. My children have left home now and looking back the child rearing part is over so quickly and we are in our own. We are really enjoying it. It it would be unbearable if we were parents and nothing else.

The suggestion that you try psuchosexual therapy is a good one. Relate have an excellent program which could be very effective if you have the will and the desire to do it.

Asking if it is just your dh who you don't want sex with isn't very helpful, I don't think. Unless op has a string of boyfriends, she doesn't know if this is because of her dh, or a done deal across the board.

Something no one else has touched on since you wrote it, op...

I think I started to change after our first child, and got progressively worse ... and also it hurt Are you worried you may start to experience pain again?

It went by itself, in your mind are you worrying that perhaps there is nothing to say it won't return again, especially as your gp seemed a bit ineffective?

When you cry after sex, what exactly are you feeling? Is it shame? The feeling of being used? The fact that you didn't enjoy it?

Does your dh help with the running of the house?

Oh & how does you dh build up to sex? It is a slow paced build up, with kisses, cuddles, talking etc, or is it a quick grope & on he gets?

Sorry about my terminology!

I do know a couple of counsellors and one, I think, does email consultations. Would you like me to dig out the info, OP?
(Bear in mind that I don't know you, or anything about you, and you would be under no obligation to take it up - it's just that this woman is someone I know and have a good opinion of.)